"He shuddered even though there wasn't an air conditioner or fan in sight"

Mills & Boon has mustered all the pride they can manage for their product to announce this year's New Voices competition. For the first time in quite some time the publisher has made the newspaper headlines for non-detrimental reasons. Enough with the destructive qualities of their work, enough with the psychologically-traumatised women who only wished to read a nice, relaxing novel, but wound up cracking up and complaining their own husband wasn't named Buck Rodriguez. It is time Harlequin reached out and attempted to procure a few more admirers and writers to eventually psychologically-traumatise. New Voices sets out to discover the next big thing in romance authorship, where a judging panel and the public combine to vote on best opening chapters, second chapters and third chapters featuring a pivotal moment involving said characters, where presumably the heroine is horrified to learn that the gorgeous Hispanic stranger carrying her dog up a flight of stairs and the ruthless property developer determined to tear down her beloved former high school gymnasium are one and the same. Uh oh, Buck Rodriguez!

As we have learned many times before and proven in the previous paragraph, dreaming up romance scenarios is simple, but for those potential competition entrants still unsure how to proceed The Independent on Sunday has written a Blagger's Guide to Writing a Mills & Boon Novel, in order to help improve your chances of landing the coveted winner's spot. From the previous year's eight hundred entries, the champion, Leah Ashton, and two runners-up, Lucy Ellis and Louisa George, will, or have already seen, their efforts published. Who shall it be this time? Well, tempted yet trepidatious reader, have no worries as Bewildered Heart and, to a lesser extent, a national newspaper are here to help.

Let us begin with how New Voices works. First, authors submit their three chapters before the closing date of October tenth, and the judges select a short-list, from which Mills & Boon fans can read and vote for their favourites on the Romance is Not Dead website. The initial twenty authors chosen will be given a romance mentor to improve their decisive second and third chapters. From there four finalists will be singled out, and the eventual victor shall be announced from those four by the beginning of November. This lucky writer will be rewarded with a year working closely with a Mills & Boon editor, as she or he completes the remainder of the manuscript, which will then be published, to coincide with next year's event, and then forgotten about almost immediately.

The Independent, sensing further help was needed, sought the wisdom of Penny Jordan, who has been churning out romance fiction for over twenty-five years, selling ninety million copies of her one hundred and seventy books. If ever there was someone who might be able to offer valuable insights, it would be Penny Jordan, and so she did, revealing the five top tips of writing romance that only a professional romance writer would know, and that the rest of us could merely hopelessly guess at, mourning the inadequacies of our feeble brains.

Number One, 'Grab the reader's attention in the first line and introduce the hero and heroine by the end of the first page,' says Jordan, making a solid beginning to explain the importance of solid beginnings. Make the reader know they are reading from the outset. There is nothing worse than being thirty pages into a book before you realise it is a book you are staring at. Do not allow your target audience to gaze absent-mindedly at the words you have written. Have your words stand out and demand attention, possibly by utilising bold or a large font size for your novel's first letter. With your hero and heroine meeting within the opening few pages you have set up your story's focal point, these two characters have been brought together through fate and shall be kept together by plot contrivance, until they come to the inevitable conclusion there is no escape and agree to marry one another.

Number Two, 'Convincing dialogue is crucial. Speak it out loud to make sure that it sounds right and flows easily.' Do not let every Mills & Boon book fool you into thinking that cringe-worthy, unlikely dialogue is acceptable, because according to Penny Jordan, it is not acceptable. Reading it out loud is decent advice, however, although her statement needs amending with an appendage. After you have penned your believable dialogue for your incredulous series of ridiculous situations read it out loud quietly, and make sure no one is around who might be able to hear you.

Number Three, 'Sex = Sensuality, Emotion and a certain amount of X factor. Balance the physical aspects of any sex scenes with the emotional intensity of what the characters are feeling.' There were we thinking that Sex = No Sex + Lady, when the correct equation is in fact Sex = (Sensuality + Emotion) x X Factor. Who knew Mills & Boon authors could only think carnally through the use of technical sums? When Bewildered Heart becomes an old enough blog to discuss how to write a sex scene we will hope to explain how to put into practise the lessons Penny Jordan has tried to teach us. Until then, let us assume that emotional intensity means the heroine and hero react to love-making with intense emotions, resulting in some sort of conclusion that renders them emotionally drained, naked and sleepy. However, there is little need to worry about explicit desires as of yet, because you are still only completing your opening chapter and none of your characters should be doing anything more than denying their emotions at this point.

Number Four, 'There must be a strong element of conflict between the heroine and the hero, but they will come to value their love more than their differences. Restrict the plot to the hero and heroine; there is little room for secondary characters in a story of 50,000 words.' Ah, the unwritten Mills & Boon formula and how everyone understands it, while rejecting its very existence. Occasionally, and increasingly commonly, the structure hopes to resolve these conflicts through an emotional arc, where the differences that would at first have prohibited a relationship are conquered with each character teaching the other an important lesson, helping them get over their arrogance, shyness, neuroses, self-doubt or body issues. In Wild Child by Cindi Myers Drew and Sara had to overcome their utter stupidity and literal distance by accepting their idiotic behaviour and also one of them moving. Whereas in Cathy Williams' Bedded at the Billionaire's Convenience Georgie helped Pierre relax his attitude toward business, money and intelligent women while he taught her the joy of responsibilities by impregnating her with a baby.

Number Five, 'Believe in your characters, let them take over.' Not so much as to blur the line between reality and fantasy, mind, as we have already explained that kind of mental breakdown should only occur in the minds of your readers, but this standard piece of advice suggests writing a romance novel is not a short-lived whim, or a joke between friends, but actually a long-term commitment and consuming passion. You must love the genre and throw yourself fully into the act of reading and writing, conjuring up a man you would love to run into one day whilst walking past his luxurious mansion and a heroine you would be proud to call your friend. They must be real, credible and the perfect fit not only for one another, but also for your book. Of course, The Blagger's Guide and Mills & Boon have only given us one month before the deadline of their competition, so for the sake of saving time and getting on with writing this last one is probably best glossing over until you have finished.