In such a month previous to this one Bewildered Heart had its first skirmish with the publishing titans Mills & Boon when an opening chapter submitted to the Fast Track competition was mercifully rejected with reassuring promptness and professionalism. This very weblog has long-held aspirations of succeeding in the world of romantic fiction, as many middle-aged authors and other flippantly half-hearted internet sites have over the years. Where once it seemed anyone could dash off fifty-five thousand words of trite emotional epiphanies and sexual euphemisms and earn money and approval from Harlequin or their modern competitors, now the standards are moving ever higher, despite all evidence to the contrary. Since Bewildered Heart's own attempt at a ground-breaking romantic tale of medical colleagues finding happiness against the odds in a world that has forgotten how to love, an admittedly wordy title, has been read and judged, and our Bewildered Heart has recovered from being as shattered as our dreams, we can concentrate on discovering why, perhaps learning a little something for the next time we dare to wager our livelihoods on our writing abilities. The Medical™ Romance Team, whose job it was to peruse the entrants in search of literary magic, sent the following message out-lining their grievances with this particular Fast Track response.
The eye is naturally drawn to the neat top three list of things worth bearing in mind. However, mere sentences earlier we learn that the characters and story did not feel sufficiently developed for an introductory chapter of mysterious billionaire doctors enigmatically fluttering their thick eyelashes in brightly-lit hospital corridors where life makes sense. This disappointing lack of development may be the direct result of reading Mills & Boon novels and assuming a style and formula from said research, but what do the proceeding hints say about this glaring fault? After all, how much development is possible in any opening chapter? Whereas a traditional speculative submission would see the opening three chapters proffered, Fast Track did away with such time consumption and chose instead to form an opinion on pieces anywhere between three and five thousand words. Can a future Nora Roberts be plucked from obscurity based upon the minimal amount of reading? Going by Bewildered Heart's own reviews of Mills & Boon novels unwavering judgements often seemed to be formed by the end of the first sentence.
Sensing an abrupt refusal was not nurturing enough, the romantics at head office attempted to soften the blow and stir the winds of inspiration by cutting and paste three titbits from a presumably endless list of generic criticisms. 'Ensure that your story and conflict are character-driven against the backdrop of a contemporary medical setting.' More fool you for writing about doctors in Ancient Greece dealing with crises created by the frivolous gods. Nothing about The Greek Surgeon's Virgin Olive Oil Salesgirl suited the Fast Track brief. Nevertheless, even with the most archetypal situation and characters a love story must be rooted in the emotional journeys of the hero and heroine. Even when limited to an opening chapter the author must lead their characters into making life-altering decisions and not have them simply react passively to contrived circumstance, as seen before in every romance novel Mills & Boon have ever published. Bewildered Heart's unfortunately restricted knowledge of the Medical™ subgenre has only Neurosurgeon... and Mum! as an example, but Kate Hardy's novel is perfectly appropriate. The heroine is broken through loneliness and professional tragedy, while the hero struggles with grief and single fatherhood, thus making the unlikely coincidence of their living together seem less formulaic and transparent than it appears when recounted later in an article on the internet.
Secondly, 'Focus on the internal emotion conflict of your characters.' This particular point is eye-opening for numerous reasons. What is external emotional conflict? Should the characters be persuaded to deal with their doubts, attraction, anger and fears solely on the inside, lessening the dramatic thrust of the narrative? Should the writer begin their book by explaining that hero and heroine are as incapable of verbalising and emoting their thoughts as they are intellectualising them in an enjoyable or readable way? To keep emotional conflict within the interior monologues of the protagonists is to play to one strength of prose. However, when handled poorly, in the style of the majority of romance fiction, this tactic quickly becomes tiresome and displays the author's shallow use of psychology and the blandness of their characters. Furthermore, the unbalanced focus exemplifies the lack of genuine twists and reveals a story merely treading water until the ending the blurb had sign-posted arrives. Despite this, a series of tumultuous revelations, tear-soaked confessions and bitter arguments works against the satisfying character arcs Mills & Boon guarantee their audience. Therefore, the author must find a compelling middle ground between neurotic, silent agonising and standing on a mountain cursing the whims of the gods.
Thirdly, 'Use the secondary characters to add richness and depth to your central romance but don't let them take over!' When discussing the problematic nature of Medical™ the issue of patients was an obvious concern. How can a plot weave in injury or illness, giving the characters something to do besides pining, without the life and death emergencies of the profession becoming more gripping than the they-will-they-will machinations of the romance? Kate Hardy side-stepped the dilemma by utilising a series of one-off patients, never allowing the reader to become involved, but as a result squandered any excitement by applying a superficial gloss to the individuality of the subgenre. Does the reader wish for a House MD mystery, an ER-style shot of adrenalin, a bit of whatever happens in Grey's Anatomy, or do they simply want some technical language involving blood cells between their vital scenes of internal conflict and external love-making? Since Bewildered Heart has no more expertise to go on other than the rejection letter we can only assume we still have no idea.
For many the Fast Track experience will have proved beneficial and for a few it will bring the opportunity of a lifetime. While the three points this weblog received shed no light on how to break into the industry there are lessons to take away otherwise. For example, there is no sense attempting to write a Medical™ Romance unless you have a passion for the field or for the subgenre itself. The research required for even a veneer of credibility is time-consuming and a distraction from the actual writing of the book and the additional reading about Ancient Greece. Mills & Boon will ask their aspiring author to pursue the novel the author wants and not the novel the author thinks Mills & Boon will want. This is fair advice, albeit possibly misleading and certainly frustrating to consider once the rejection letter lands on the doorstep. Since the results of Fast Track have been revealed the publishers have announced their new competition, bigger than New Voices and Fast Track combined, and with it the prospect of achieving a long-held and half-hearted aspiration has begun to emerge. Enough trying to offer romance readers what they desire and what they already have, here is the chance to offer them something better. So You Think You Can Write is that chance, despite what appears to be photographic proof that we, in fact, cannot.
When we left Part Two of The MacGregor Grooms at the end of the third chapter, Catherine 'Cat' Farrell and Duncan 'Duncan the Blade' Blade where smoothly gliding down the Mississippi River on their way to eternal love and sassy bickering. As the fourth chapter began, however, what had once seemed plain sailing on calm waters had somehow turned to a perfect storm, with high winds of intrigue, tidal waves of emotion, undercurrents of refusal, preying sharks of unresolved family issues and Somali pirates of sexual tension. Duncan had bought Cat elegant, thoughtful gifts such as perfume and trinket boxes and made heartfelt, honest offers of candlelit dinner and candlelit sex over the course of one frustrating week, but every advance was thwarted by a swift rejection. As the Comanche Princess docks in New Orleans Duncan has begun to wonder just what he has to do to convince Cat to sleep with him. As always in romance fiction leaving the woman with no choice turns out to be the way to go. He takes her into town for authentic local cooking and then down a darkened alley for a sampling of authentic palm-reading. When the day is through Duncan is more smitten than ever, while Cat remains as beguilingly enigmatic as the plot forces her to be for the sake of narrative padding.
Shortly thereafter the twosome’s chemistry proves too great and as another evening of luxury, singing and gambling comes to a close Cat and Duncan indulge in a bout of unprotected sex and their lives are changed irrevocably. Duncan is just so glamorous, charming, handsome and wealthy that Cat is powerless against his roaming tongue, fancy suits and big words. Equally, Cat is available and has a tendency to call people Sugar inbetween sips of water, a combination that prove impossible to resist. Within minutes Cat has moved her clothes, gifts, perfumes and American sofa into Duncan's sizeable cabin and they are at the mercy of their unwavering attraction for however long it is before Nora Roberts returns to the story. Taking temporary respite from Duncan's manhood, Cat strolls about the boat in search of Duncan and a room with a lock. There she finds her hunky piece of masculinity with his arm around a gorgeous, svelte blonde and her romance is about to meet its first and only fleeting obstacle. Nevertheless, hold your raging, Cat, because this sophisticated young woman is in fact Duncan's mother, Serena MacGregor, and with her is husband Justin Blade, of family Blade, world-renowned arms dealers with absurd genetics.
Once the embarrassment fades into excruciating memory likely to haunt her forever, Cat surmises Duncan Blade comes from a mighty dynasty of fantastically beautiful people. Not only are Serena and Justin onboard, but The MacGregor and Wife also show up, due to the contractual obligations of the novella. Daniel Duncan 'Mac The MacGregor' MacGregor takes an instant shine to Catherine and she develops quite the crush on him too. Who wouldn't, of course, the devious silver fox and his excessive drinking have combined to seduce numerous women into his burgeoning legacy and soon enough Serena, The MacGregor and Anna have declared Cat suitable baby-making material. They then urge Duncan to continue what he has been doing for weeks already as they return to their memoirs of breath-taking reflections. While the male half of the couple is easily convinced Cat remains somewhat dubious for reasons that the author never bothers to explain. Perhaps she feels undeserving of such a glorious specimen as Duncan, or maybe she doesn't understand love, or she could possibly be holding out for more expensive presents. Then there is her dream of a singing career and perhaps a marriage aboard a boat, back and forth along the Mississippi, isn't as appealing as it is for Duncan Blade, the drunken gambler who loves boats.
Unbeknownst to Cat, and any readers not paying close attention, Duncan had sent her demo tape to Reed Valentine of Valentine Records and, to use musical terminology, Reed had flipped for that groovy jam. Duncan breaks the news with champagne and moonlight, and Cat is overwhelmed with joy and amorous gratitude. As Part Two draws to a conclusion there is only one final fight to be had, in which Cat attempts to break things off and fly to New York to be a professional chanteuse, only for Duncan to persuade her to marry him, live on a Mississippi riverboat and then fly to New York to be a professional chanteuse. At long last Cat realises she can have it all, love and a career, singing and gambling, copious amounts of food and a slim figure, a giant diamond wedding ring and no worries about anything ever again, because a man is here and he has money and all of life's answers at the bottom of a bourbon bottle.
While Part Two of The MacGregor Grooms is a woeful waste of time Nora Roberts appears completely aware of its absence of drama and compulsion. While Part One, concerning DC and Layna, showed enough glimpses of genuine hang-ups and personality clashes, there is so little standing in the way of Cat and Duncan the story instead represents everything that is wrong with modern romance fiction. The characters are unrealistically good-looking, to the point of parody, they are talented and without troubles, they move through life utterly at ease, all the while waiting for their perfect lives to improve with the introduction of idealised love, attained without struggle or sacrifice. Roberts needlessly shoehorns in Serena and The MacGregor, if only to break up the endless number of sex scenes, but with in-laws this perfect there is never any danger of conflict. Instead Roberts utilises the steadfast opinions of the impossibly youthful old people to further demonstrate how wonderful Catherine is and how canny The MacGregor's eye, as if additional proof were necessary or interesting to read of. It is more likely that the strongest appeal of the MacGregor series is the loveable rascal who dominates proceedings through meddling, sentimentality and a haze of cigar smoke. While Daniel Duncan MacGregor's cult of personality is the highlight of every story this isn't achieved so much through his magnificence, but rather through how hopelessly tiresome and predictable all the other characters are.
The MacGregor Grooms belongs to a bygone era when physically flawless billionaires were aspirational and therefore suitable for romantic heroes. Unlike the majority of similar fiction, however, Roberts comes unstuck with her male protagonists for numerous reasons. Namely, she is unable to write convincing male characters, and while the narrative jumps back and forth between viewpoints, the book's title and family theme will always draw the reader to respond emotionally to the hero, as Duncan and DC are the active pursuers with goals to achieve. Whereas a more conventional novel will see the poor, innocent heroine nurture the powerful, arrogant tycoon into the emotionally stunted mummy's boy hiding within, The MacGregor Grooms subverts the formula while retaining the archetypes. The reader is expected to empathise with the controlling playboy as his years of getting what he wants are momentarily delayed by a stunning woman who is as equally successful and purpose-built. Roberts then asks her fans to relax and enjoy the easy-going, passionate, tender romance as it builds toward a marriage proposal and endless offspring, foolishly assuming the truncated word count absolves her of a professional duty. Now Nora has one final opportunity to get things right, as Ian meets Naomi and somewhere, in a castle over-looking the ocean, a ninety-year-old shouts merrily at no one to bring him more whiskey. How canny that man is.
No sooner had we Bewildered Hearts sent our Fast Track entries into the Mills & Boon offices than Harlequin had announced a brand new competition. Yes, the benevolent publishers have launched a multi-layered global writing contest with a press release and a website, So You Think You Can Write, finally throwing down the gauntlet to their many admiring readers who probably all believe they are literate. ‘Do you dream of being a world-famous published author?’ they begin. If so, writing for Mills & Boon is a deeply illogical choice. However, simply by removing the phrase ‘world-famous’ from that sentence the slightly amended meaning suddenly seems much more appropriate. ‘Do you dream of being a publisher author?’ If so, does the internet have the career opportunity for you. Here is your chance to send a manuscript to that hallowed centre of disposable romance fiction and perhaps see your fake name sandwiched between a bombastic, sexist title you did not choose and a gently pornographic photograph of two unsuccessful models canoodling that you had no say over. Last year’s winner, Kat Cantrell from Texas, will see her debut published in February 2013 and critically-lambasted on this very weblog possibly afterwards.
Much like New Voices and Fast Track in every way conceivable, So You Think You Can Write will attempt to discover those hidden talents whose manuscripts were until now doomed to remain where they belonged, in a drawer or on a slush pile. Because Mills & Boon lack imagination and originality they have decided to create an event of their competition, but unlike the ebook Secrets Uncovered that preceded New Voices, So You Think You Can Write submissions will have been tailored to perfection by a twenty-four hour a day, seven day a week week-long online conference where potential entrants will work alongside fifty romance editors over a variety of cutting edge technological communication tools, including, ‘Podcasts, videos, webinars, blogs, live chats, community discussions and Twitter events.’ Many of those are things that exist. Webinars are seminars that take place on the internet and are so-called because who ever invented the term didn’t take the time to check the etymology of seminar.
In case everyone wasn’t excited enough by the illicit thrills of learning the differences between webinars, videos, podcasts and live chats, ‘Aspiring authors will attend a virtual romance-writing "boot camp" designed to teach them how to write a romance novel that will attract the attention of publishers.’ Who doesn’t enjoy a boot camp experience? This online international festival of smut and mediocrity will last from the seventeenth to the twenty-fourth of September, giving plenty of time to those wishing to hone their novel before the competition deadline on the thirteenth of October. From there participants will submit an opening chapter and brief synopsis before the many hopefuls will be whittled down to twenty-eight through a combination of a public vote and Harlequin themselves. The twenty-eight writers will then send off their finished manuscripts, which professional editors will judge and select a final three for another communal election. The overall favourite will win a publishing contract to write a series romance novel, slightly undermining the amount of work, stress and unrestricted online opinion they will have had to endure from a contest with such a friendly, non-confrontational name.
With the press release released Mills & Boon swiftly moved onto the next obvious step. In order to prepare for the crash university course taking place in September there will be three month prep class, which will consist of numerous blog entries regurgitating the wisdom of Secrets Uncovered and fed to the next generation of unskilled romance writers eager for learning and eventual worldwide fame and glory. First up are two short essays, Vanquishing the Terrifying Empty Screen and How to Stand Out from the Slush. According to the latter, the crucial difference between the thousands of rejected opening chapters and the few selected success stories is, ‘The author’s natural voice – all too often we receive submissions that may be technically very good but there is no personality or spark to the writing. Sometimes it feels like writers are trying to emulate authors that they have read before but we’re not looking for a paint by numbers romance.’ While it may intermittently sound as if Harlequin lies in its promotional material this statement has the indefinable, elusive enigma that explains the publisher’s vague notion of quality control. Helpfully How to Stand Out from the Slush immediately moves on without a further word of insight.
Other than that opening, head-scratching statement the leftover hints are the straight-forward classics we have covered before such as dazzling dialogue, emotional intensity, colourless inflammable hydrocarbon, originality, humour, chemistry, characterisation and relatable, contemporary issues no matter what century the story occurs in. As Bewildered Heart has foolishly promised not to repeat itself on countless occasions we can therefore return to the troubling challenge of believably faking naturalism. We are consistently told that writing romance fiction is not easy, and while an understanding of sentence structure and narrative form can be acquired from schooling or scrolling downwards the skill of displaying affection for love and for this genre is an innate gift authors either have or do not. Furthermore, and most troubling for anyone after an easy payday, a winning personality cannot be disingenuously engineered, unlike technical ability. If a high standard of romance writing could be achieved through cynicism, research and pretence the company behind our cherished novels would lose any remaining credibility they hadn’t squandered through the drearily low standard of their product.
After all, Harlequin have set their stall out as editors with a sharp eye for the real thing, and can distinguish between writers born to churn out special moments and those writers willing to change a few adjectives in a Marie Ferrarella book and calling it their own. Expecting… In Texas becomes Trouble in Tennessee with a minimal amount of reworking and would a Mills & Boon editor really sense the missing ethereal elements they are paid to discover lacking between the words? If they were unable to shouldn’t we Bewildered Hearts establish a competition entitled So You Think You Can Judge? Regardless, So You Think You Can Write will select as winners only the novelists passionate about romance and dedicated to rewriting Marie Ferrarella with loving attention to detail. This should call to an end the dispiriting years of cynicism, research and pretence. There are romance writers and then there is everybody else. With any luck the boot camp will crush any desire among the aspiring authors to make any such suggestions about the duality of man.
The eye is naturally drawn to the neat top three list of things worth bearing in mind. However, mere sentences earlier we learn that the characters and story did not feel sufficiently developed for an introductory chapter of mysterious billionaire doctors enigmatically fluttering their thick eyelashes in brightly-lit hospital corridors where life makes sense. This disappointing lack of development may be the direct result of reading Mills & Boon novels and assuming a style and formula from said research, but what do the proceeding hints say about this glaring fault? After all, how much development is possible in any opening chapter? Whereas a traditional speculative submission would see the opening three chapters proffered, Fast Track did away with such time consumption and chose instead to form an opinion on pieces anywhere between three and five thousand words. Can a future Nora Roberts be plucked from obscurity based upon the minimal amount of reading? Going by Bewildered Heart's own reviews of Mills & Boon novels unwavering judgements often seemed to be formed by the end of the first sentence.