“Sadie was acutely aware that beneath the robe he was naked – and male”

When we ran screaming from the pages of Taken by the Sheikh to the warm embrace of Secrets Uncovered, Prince al Drac'ar al Karim believed he had found the perfect temporary wife for his elder brother, Vere. Together they co-rule the desert paradise of Dhurahn, but are being forced into arranged marriages to strengthen ties between their neighbouring states. Their only option is to find dim-witted Western virgins to marry quickly and then divorce once the fathers of their arranged brides have found somebody else. For Drax the plan sounds flawless and all seems ideal when he meets young English businesswoman Sadie Murray. The only spanner in the works is his own spanner, which tightens his bolts whenever he sees or thinks about Sadie. However, Drax has betrothed her to Vere, and the sacred bond of twin brothers is not to be meddled with, especially not by some woman, no matter how adorable, smart and sexy she is. For Sadie her attraction to Drax is instant and startling, so she is willing to undertake the many ridiculous plot machinations it requires to bring her to Dhurahn in expensive clothes, mostly because she is a dim-witted Western virgin.

While Vere is conducting business deals abroad Drax has the small matter of entertaining Sadie and convincing her the real reason she has a room at the luxurious palace is because the rulers wish to build a financial centre in town and seek those with knowledge of such things to join their growing team. Without employment, money or her passport, because Drax stole it, Sadie sees little option but to accept the job offer. Slowly their sexual chemistry is explored over a plentiful array of sequences involving fleetingly-glimpsed male nudity, light frottaging and displays of arrogance and emotion.

With all going as predictably as possible, Sadie and Drax run into Jack Logan during a tour of an office building. Jack is in Dhurahn for commercial reasons, yet his wandering eye and insistence all women agree to either consensual sex or rape cause severe problems for Sadie, who rejected him years ago when they used to work together. Jack maintains a grudge and having complimented her vilely he begins to grope and kiss her in the atrium. Drax intervenes in timely fashion, but his faith in Sadie's innocence has been compromised. If she were a demure virgin suitable for Vere, how come she kisses Jack Logan with his hand on her breast and terrified look on her face?

Instead, Drax resolves, he will marry Sadie himself, because sluts are more his speed. Suddenly, without warning for reader or Sadie, the first sex scene begins, but alas, with a hand gripping Drax's penis Sadie's inexperience betrays her, forcing him to wonder if the Jack Logan-incident was as damning as it had initially appeared. He abandons the sexual enterprise and instead has a brief, yet enlightening, chat with Jack, where the conceited Brit conceitedly admits he likes to scare women who have spurned his advances by threatening them with violation, but always jokingly and only when they have it coming. How could Drax have mistaken Sadie for every other girl on the planet? He rushes back to the mansion for the second sex scene, this time working himself into a frenzy only to abandon things to propose marriage. Sadie breathlessly accepts, and consummation is put off until their wedding night.

Unbeknownst to Drax, Sadie and Vere have already met in one of the opulent gardens of the palace, where Vere witnessed her charms for himself. Unfortunately for him and soap opera fans, despite their striking similarities, Sadie did not feel her heart beat inside its chest wall, her nipples pebble, or her sex moisten, so she was all too aware this Drax-lookalike was not her Drax. Therefore he could either be Vere or one of those doubles all Middle Eastern leaders seem to have. As it turns out the man is Drax's amiable, but emotionally-reticent, twin brother. Suddenly the younger Prince's best laid plans are torn asunder, so he retreats to aloof disdain, to allow Sadie to forget him and marry Vere instead, as promised in the prologue.

Shortly thereafter comes that time of the year to celebrate the anniversary of the Oasis of Two Doves, where Dhurahn's independence was first declared, at an oasis with a pair of doves. Typical of everything concerning this fictional Arab state the festivities are expansive and sand-swept, but sadly for Sadie and the servants of the party the entertainment must be cut short, due to a violent, incoming storm. Thinking this is as good an opportunity to confront Drax as she is likely to get, Sadie heads for his tent, only to be beaten to the punch by Vere, who has also decided an important conversation comes before fleeing certain death. Sadie has entered through a side tent-door, but is immediately trapped by a parked four-by-four. With no choice but to stay and overhear the twin brothers' discussion she misconstrues Drax's sarcastic comment, not made in his native tongue for reasons that are not entirely clear, about he and Vere sharing Sadie for their sexual pleasure, swapping her back and forth, turning her over only once one side gets stained.

Sadie scarpers, out through the side-door she was unable to get out through moments before, just in time to miss the next sentence, where the brothers clarify that sharing Sadie was not at all what they intend. Instead it is decided that Drax marry her, because while Vere thinks she the perfect wife he simply means perfect for Drax. You see, Sadie? They said innocent, complimentary things about you. Where are you going? Surely you're not about to steal a range rover and head straight into the sand-storm, desiring either to escape or die in the process. Wait, you are going to steal a range rover and head straight into the sand-storm, no doubt to crash into a bank of sand and hurt yourself. Oh, what a big, tragic confusion, and so close to the final chapter.

Drax heads off into the howling wind and sand, finding Sadie groggily semi-conscious and bleeding from the head. They return to the tent Vere considerately left for them to face the consequences of abandoning a threesome, while ignoring the head injury Sadie has suffered. Sensing the need to apologise and rectify the dire situation with a few words of explanation, Drax and Sadie strip naked and take to his bed, concluding that if they are about to die engulfed in sand, then waiting for their wedding night is an empty symbolic gesture. Soon the storm has ceased, Sadie has been filled with exquisite, tingly pleasure and Drax has left a baby in her belly. Penny Jordan marries them as something of an afterthought and then leaves them alone in their palatial bedroom quarters confessing undying love and hopefully finding out one or two personal things about each other, if they have character traits, that is, because the narrative failed to mention any.

So ends Taken by the Sheikh, a classic Mills & Boon Modern Romance, devoid of theme, romance, modernism or editing. With a tedious, contrived plot, a listless heroine, two-dimensional hero and atrocious prose style there were no redeeming features and no insights into why sheikhs are popular when they are nothing more than a synonym for billionaire in a slightly altered outfit. Previously, in a post concerning The Blagger's Guide, we referenced Penny Jordan's five tips for writing. Lamentably for her readers, Jordan was unable to follow her own straightforward advice, failing to introduce both hero and heroine by the end of the first page, and having a bland opening line, 'So the negotiations went well, then?' What kind of credible author begins a sentence with, 'So'?

Furthermore, her dialogue never convinces, the sex scenes gloss over sensuality and emotional intensity, instead insisting on lazy clichés and awkward euphemisms, while the protagonists are simplistic stereotypes of the genre. He the sheikh, arrogant, intelligent, but a deeply sensitive fool when it comes to matters of the heart. She the timid virgin with no personality, in the throes of servitude to male potency. Finally Jordan skimped on the conflict, her mismatched pair entirely made for each other, and both looking for love and a long-term commitment, although neither would have admitted it when the story began. Instead the author uses devices she swears against, the secondary character and two hokey misunderstandings. Where were the differences each had to overcome, where was the emotional development and what happened to the arcs? Finally, how has Penny Jordan been allowed to get away with this for so long?

"Drax frowned his dark, arrogantly slanted eyebrows over an equally arrogant aquiline nose"

Last month when searching for helpful pieces of advice for the upcoming New Voices competition we took the advice of Penny Jordan, legendary Mills & Boon novelist and author of some two hundred romance books (including Passionate Protection and Passionate Possession) in a prolific career spanning five decades. As part of her Arabian Nights series Jordan offered up excitement in various forms, such as first love with a sheikh in The Sheikh's Virgin Bride, pleasure with a sheikh in One Night with the Sheikh, passion with a sheikh in Possessed by the Sheikh, sexual harassment with a sheikh in The Sheikh's Blackmailed Mistress and sand everywhere in Prince of the Desert. Bewildered Heart preferred the feel of the more mysterious sheikh, rattle and roll of Taken by the Sheikh, a modern romance with a very modern twist on what exactly Penny Jordan believes a sheikh to be, and where exactly Penny Jordan believes a sheikh comes from.

Welcome to the sultry, exotic lands of Dhurahn, an oil rich Middle Eastern state governed by Prince al Drac'ar al Karim and his brother Vere. Drac'ar al Karim, Drax to his friends (Hi, Drax!), has returned from a business trip to London when he learns some frightful news from the leaders of Dhurahn's neighbouring states. The Ruler of Zuran wants Vere to wed his youngest sister, while the Emir of Khulua wishes Drax marry his eldest daughter. While the twin brothers are both thirty-four they are not yet ready to settle down in matrimony, even if it will strengthen the ties between the three countries. There is only one way to resolve this problem and save them from a marriage of convenience. How about, Drax proposes, a marriage of convenience? They will find two innocent, virginal ladies glad to wed and foolishly compliant enough into accepting a quickie divorce without any sort of financial compensation. The sooner they find their prospective brides the sooner they can decline the Ruler and Emir's proposals without causing offence and accidentally creating an international incident. Do women such as this still exist, asks Vere. Did they ever exist, asks the reader. Furthermore, where will you find such a creature, lost, confused, penniless, local, a virgin, and willing to sacrifice all of the virtuous personality traits that made her that way for a misogynistic sheikh with arrogant eyebrows and a suspicious job offer?

Meanwhile, in nearby Zuran City, capital of Zuran, Sadie Murray has been fired from her vague job description by the cantankerous Madame al Sawar. It seems Sadie was unwilling to trade sex for business agreements and her employer's company was solely successful because clients were rewarded with sex for agreeing to business deals. Sadie is thrown out without pay or the means to return to her home in the United Kingdom. Things look bleak for intelligent, morally responsible, virginal and selfless Miss Murray when who should walk through the gate but the Madame's noble and kind husband and his friend, the devastatingly gorgeous and overwhelmingly masculine Prince Drac'ar al Karim. Sadie has never felt physical attraction before, but suddenly her womanly senses are tingling and her throat is dry for a reason besides the humidity. She does not recognise Drax, of course, because the reader can only assume she is as politically ignorant as the writer has made her well-educated and politically knowledgeable. She hurries away, bound for the city airport or British Embassy, defeated by Madame al Sawar's cruelty and reluctant to accept Professor al Sawar's help. None of this goes unnoticed by Drax, however. His manly desires are stirred by Sadie's silky hair, reminiscent of his horses, her honourable pride, reminiscent of his falcons and her other features, probably all comparable to an animal Drax owns.

With only the merest few touches of contrivance all the pieces needed for the plot implied in the prologue have been laid within the opening two chapters. Drax quickly gallops after Sadie in his luxurious, yet unassuming, town car and finds her walking on the dust that passes for pavement in the State of Zuran. In her rush to escape Madame al Sawar Sadie dropped her passport and forgot her hat, rendering her with a nasty case of heatstroke and the embarrassment of reaching her destination with identification. Fortunately for her, the hunky piece of royal goodness has found her passport and has an unopened bottle of cool water in the car. If only Sadie would climb aboard with Drax she could reclaim her valuable documents and not die as a result of dehydration and over-exposure. Drax has an entirely different kind of exposure in mind for this pale beauty and he will stop at nothing to convince her to stay, including refusing to return her passport and locking all the doors once she is in the car. With her attention now finely tuned to his passionate sexiness and in-no-way-revealing dishdasha Drax lays out the whole truth over hurried mouthfuls of thirst-quenching water.

While Dhurahn enjoys a fair amount of wealth from its oil reserves the country's main resource has been the river that runs through it and its verdant, fertile land. Dhurahn's strongest industry is its produce, but the ambitious twin brothers have greater plans than this and yearn to create a financial centre within the country to rival those of New York, London and Hong Kong. Both Drax and Vere have been travelling regularly to England for the meetings necessary to create a financial centre worthy of competing in the money market, and Drax has learned that such a venture will require people with an understanding of financial services to work in the buildings he will eventually get around to constructing. Therefore Dhurahn has begun searching for suitable candidates for such a prestigious role, perhaps those with a degree and an MBA, who happen to be nearby and looking for a job. A likely story, thinks Sadie, who wisely deduces that when a man offers a woman employment it always turns out to be an elaborate scheme to trick her into an arranged marriage with his brother. She turns down the opportunity, finding Drax's claims to the Dhurahni throne incredulous, but Drax smartly reacts as any Prince would, with the offer of a ride on his private jet. There the third chapter ends, Drax convinced he has found Vere's bride despite his own inexplicable physical attraction to her, and Sadie unsure if heatstroke has reduced her to a gullible idiot with a degree and MBA.

With relations between Western opinions of Arab businessmen and Arab businessmen at an all-time high, as they were even back in 2007 when the world made sense, Penny Jordan struck and Taken by the Sheikh is classic Mills & Boon escapist fantasy, spoilt only by hackneyed plotting, ludicrous characters, inept sentence structuring and a worryingly blasé attitude towards Middle Eastern geography. Jordan rehashes the story of every previous Modern Romance with lazy similarities to the likes of The Billionaire's Housekeeper Mistress and the wager prologue of The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal. Not that Penny Jordan can be blamed, as those novels were written after this one, but the similarities to the former are glaring. The timid virgin fired by her mean-spirited bully of a boss only to be rescued by a suave billionaire who only offers a job as a means to seducing her. One of the many obvious faults with The Billionaire's Housekeeper Mistress is that Australian billionaires are less popular than Arab Princes and housekeeping will never be as appealing as business management. How have sheikhs proven so popular in romance fiction when they are nothing more than a means to produce a new series of books by swapping out billionaire, or cowboy, for sheikh and leaving the majority of the other words alone?

Nevertheless, the predictability of the narrative and the generic formula are no match for Jordan's amateurish writing style. Whereas the  unchallenging simplicity of many a Mills & Boon can infuriate for its lack of nuance and skill the authors are at least aware that they must maintain character perspective over lengthy passages, and not tally back and forth sentence to sentence. This may keep the reader on their toes, as Penny Jordan might believe, though angry at the assertion from an unknown weblog that she is mistaken, but while Bewildered Heart knows Jordan has written many books before we would counter that the effect is comical and slows the pace to so glacier not even the sizzling chemistry of the characters can melt the ice and drown the reader in a flood of emotion and competent writing.

Vere would have his own story told a year later in the series, so we can rule out his participation from Taken by the Sheikh. This leaves us with Drax and Sadie. One needs a wife and has been celibate for too long, while the other is a virgin who desperately requires a job and her passport back. For Drax the prognosis is obvious, he should sleep with Sadie and convince her to marry him to avoid the arranged marriage to the Emir of Khulua's eldest daughter, only to then fall in love with Sadie before she discovers there is no work in the financial sector and she is being used and lied to. Then Drax is merely one impassioned speech away from eternal happiness. For Sadie she is a handful of unlikely sequences away from hearing an impassioned speech and having a husband and a well-paid job in the financial sector of what is clearly a deeply-troubled and openly corrupt nation where the indulgent elite of two princes rule. We can only forlornly hope Jordan sees fit to develop a backdrop of topical and blood-thirsty revolution. With the chances of that seeming as incredulous as anything else that has happened thus far only one question remains, who will the titular sheikh turn out to be?