“Don’t you dare speak about the man I love that way”

The winner of So You Think You Can Write was announced shortly after contestants had submitted their entries. The champion was none other than the most predictable, Resisting the Sicilian Playboy by Amanda Cinelli. Nothing says Mills & Boon quite like a handsome tycoon overcoming resistance through a combination of handsomeness, money and strength, and the judges agreed. All those underwhelming rip-offs of Sleeping with the Enemy were no match for an underwhelming rip-off of everything Mills & Boon has ever published. For her part in the success, Cinelli receives the bounty of victory, which culminated in having her novel published on Valentine's Day 2015. Therefore Bewildered Hearts should look out for Resisting the Sicilian Playboy on bookshelves near them, taking pride of place among such titles as The Silician's Innocent Mistress, Love Slave to the Sicilian Billionaire, Bought for the Sicilian Billionaire's Bed, Captive at the Sicilian Billionaire's Command, Resisting the Billionaire, Bedded by the Italian Playboy and What the Greek Can't Resist.

The novel is available, in exchange for a modest fee, for all those who didn't manage to read it when it was free to download on the So You Think You Can Write website. The pitch introduced us to the characters and then to the plot, but the book itself tells a similar story with an equally predictable conclusion, albeit with thousands of extra and unnecessary words. Leo Valente is notorious among readers of tabloids, although the cause of his infamy is left vague. Still, wedding planner Dara Devlin needs his family estate for her client. Leo has only one request, that Dara work for him, as his entertainment-consultant and girlfriend. She accepts, as wedding planners are fearless pioneers willing to risk anything for the perfect wedding plan. What follows is largely guessable from the title, a playboy, an exotic location and some resistance. Dara's occupation suggests wedding planning, which leads us to assume the novel will end with a wedding in an exotic location.

The first chapter begins suitably enough with product placement and a heroine straddling a balcony ledge of a Milanese nightclub. Quickly come the Chick-lit asides that display a misunderstanding of how to wear footwear, 'A woman stood by her shoes, no matter how sticky the situation.' Dara is a woman only a sidestep away from being fully dressed, but there are bigger problems to deal with. Originally from Ireland, based in Syracuse and taking frequent trips to the mainland, Dara knows a thing or two about going the extra distance. Yet her latest assignment has been a series of failures. Desperation pushes her into a foolish plan, which she organises pedantically into three stages. Firstly, she must break into Platinum 1, which is either reopening or celebrating its ten year anniversary, Cinelli changes her mind. Secondly, she must find the owner, Italy's most beloved playboy Leo Valente. Thirdly, she must convince him of something. Her plan is both foiled and achieved when Leo finds her scaling a glass wall.

Leo Valente is not your standard sort of enigmatic hero. His hair is slightly askew. His eyelashes are overgrown. He has stubble. His gaze is smouldering. His voice sounds like silk, were silk able to make noise. His eyes are a unique shade of dark forest green. His chest is quite hairy. Despite these physical imperfections, he does at least have unresolved father issues. Herein lies the crux of the novel. Dara wishes to use his Sicilian castle for the wedding of Portia Palmer, the most famous English actress Ireland has ever produced, and requires Leonardo's permission. Leo has no interest in being reminded of another piece of property he owns, because this one just happens to be a metaphor for his arrogance and intimacy issues. Dara and Leo must wrestle for control of a metaphorical building that is also a building, only then will they be able to live happily ever after in the metaphorical building that has changed its metaphorical representation from his emotional aloofness to their empathetic love.

Leo has furnished the opulent Castello Bellamo with haunting memories. This explains Cinelli's follow-up prequel, The Sicilian Playboy's Incompetent Interior Decorator. Meanwhile, in the present, our titular playboy is a troubled man without paint or photographs of nice things. His father's ruthless business actions have alienated him from his homeland, the fictional town of Monterocca. At this moment, a beautiful blonde breaks into his private floor and offers him several opportunities. After all, she is on first name terms with Mr. Umberto and Mrs. Gianni Lucchesi, despite Gianni changing her name to Gloria halfway through the novel to avoid confusion when a man named Gianni Marcello turns up. With her reputation bolstered by the approval of potentially important characters, Leo realises that Dara's plans could repair his broken image among the poverty-stricken yokels of Sicily. More fundamental to life than business, family, island economy and identity, of course, is a visible bra strap. Leo and Dara have gone so long without sex the only thing they need to have sex is each other. This seems sure to happen, but a phone call interrupts their conversation and the first chapter ends abruptly, without much of a story to show for itself. Fortunately for those still interested, the second chapter soon follows and ends within a few sentences.

In the third chapter, Leo takes Dara to his favourite restaurant in Milan, known for its magic coffee cups. They talk for pages about their personalities and readers are well-advised to skip over this sequence. From there they head to the party Leo has asked Dara to organise in the few minutes between courses. Her skills at uniform designing and party-guest-separating impress Leo, who until meeting Dara had only hired inanimate objects to do his thinking for him. Yet Leo does not want Dara for her meticulous eye for detail, although he does also want her for that. No, Leo wants Dara to be his fake girlfriend, and not just any fake girlfriend, but a fake girlfriend he can have sex with and treat much like a real girlfriend. Why not just ask her to be his real girlfriend if he always intended on seducing her? Such are the vagaries of the Sicilian playboy. Still, a game is afoot. Can Dara resist? Will Dara's femininity melt Leo's heart and allow him to open up to estranged family members? Will Leo be disgusted by Dara's premature menopause or will his love prove to Dara her only physical flaw need not be an impediment to happiness? Will the wedding of the century go off smoothly, making Dara's career and allowing her to plan the weddings of whatever minor brittish royalty is?

For those wishing to read the completed manuscript, this can be achieved in the usual variety of manners. However, for those who prefer their books with all the grammatical mistakes and continuity errors left in, the winning draft submitted by Cinelli remains available online. Unlike many of entries Resisting the Sicilian Playboy defeated in the competition, its title was considered suitable enough to be retained. How much has changed in the few months Harlequin editors had to work with Cinelli can only be known by reading both original and published stories. This seems unnecessary punishment, even for those driven by an insatiable curiosity. Resisting the Sicilian Playboy is indistinguishable from the usual fare of the Modern subgenre. The indefinable certain-something that Mills & Boon look for and believe they found in Cinelli is nothing more than marketability.

"Who would name their son Heathcliff and Rhett in this day and age"

The twenty-five finalists of So You Think You Can Write can be helpfully separated into ill-fitting categories. This allows Bewildered Heart to deal with them in groups, and the first group will be known as Women-in-Peril, due to their thriller overtures. There are two from the Harlequin Intrigue subgenre, Remembrance by Tanya M. Burnstad and Wanting the Detective by Leah Maser. There are two Historicals, Agent of Desire by Katherine Dane and Fire and Iron by Autumn Shelley. Representing Harlequin Romantic Suspense are Violation of Innocence by Jeannie Hall and In Desperate Search of Peace by Analiesa Adams. Finally, there is Impulse, by Ison Hill and for the Kimani™ imprint.

Where better to begin than with Remembrance, a mystery thriller featuring a hunted heroine suffering from amnesia, a retired Special Forces soldier and their mutual attraction that might just save both of them for reasons that aren't initially apparent. The first chapter begins with several unnecessary adjectives and the introduction of the psychopath who wants Sarah Morgan dead, much against her own wishes. After an opening light on plot but heavy on words, the story switches to something else entirely, and the reader is left to guess at what might be happening, thus fulfilling the secondmost important duty of the Intrigue subgenre. To call Remembrance somewhat incoherent would be too straightforward a sentence, and therefore would not do justice to Burnstad's prose.

Wanting the Detective, meanwhile, sounds suspiciously similar to every other mystery thriller ever written or filmed. This time, however, it is the heroine with special in her job title, as Lucy Reynolds is a Special Agent visiting Atlanta to track down her missing sister. Her personal investigation only brings her into conflict with Kurt Milton, the sexy police detective already on the case. Lucy will do whatever it takes to bring her sister home, but Kurt doesn't play by the rules when lives are at stake. She's enigmatic. He's untamed. Together they sound objectionable. Will sparks fly? Will a human trafficking ring be burned to the ground? Will that leave any evidence with which to prosecute? The first chapter begins promisingly enough in the location all romance novels should start in, a sleazy strip club, where the feisty heroine accidentally arrests her future husband, a cop claiming to be there working undercover. Still, at least they have a charming anecdote about how they first met to tell the grandchildren.

The woman-in-peril subgenre works well in the Historical imprint, as those were the days of damsels, where distress lurked around every corner. We begin with Fire and Iron, set in the classic Midwest, not far from John Wayne country. Incomprehensible sentences aren't the only thing troubling US Marshall Brit Tracey. There is too much murder going on in the town of Jennings, Wyoming and he is directly responsible for much of it. He shoots first, as half the saying goes, and the second half of the saying doesn't really apply to him. After what seems like a great deal of scrolling down the reader is introduced to both the plot and the heroine. "Crazy Mollie", otherwise known as 'Irish' Margaret Shannon O'Shea, is a cattle thief and convicted killer. Brit must transport her across country, all the while falling in love with her and bringing them both closer to the man who framed her for murder. Fire and Iron is not your typical romance. It is told from the hero's perspective and the opening chapter features many more references to urine than readers will be accustomed to. Still, completely ignoring the structural instructions the publisher suggested and making references to urine has never hurt an aspiring author previously.

Katherine Dane begins her pitch in confident mood. 'Perfect for the Harlequin Historical Series, Agent of Desire is a sexy historical romance filled with intrigue.' If only Harlequin Historical Intrigue Romance was a genre, then this would be just right. Agent of Desire may sound like a perfume you wouldn't buy for your grandmother, but if this competition has taught us anything it is that titles can be deceiving. Hampstead Heath, London. The year 1817. Lord Crayle meets Sari Trevor. Trevor, known for wearing a distinctive Asian drape, is not your standard historical heroine, according to the pitch. She robs carriages, and as the story begins, she is about to rob the carriage of Lord Crayle for all its jewels, money and the Lord's mother's ability to tactfully approach difficult subject matter. When judging the quality of writing, a prospective novel must pass the opening line test. Does, for example, the opening line make sense? Agent of Desire begins, 'Sari rubbed her gloved but frozen hands together painfully as hid among the beeches lining the London road.' Next.

From Harlequin Romantic Suspense comes Violation of Innocence. 'Raised in a cult and forced at twelve to marry its leader,' the pitch begins, pessimistically. Things improve, however, as some years later Lynea Kreig escapes to a college town and falls for her professor, an accident-prone expert on cults. Working together love is kindled, but somewhere lurks her husband, with homicidal vengeance on his mind. Violation of Innocence is either a retread of Sleeping with the Enemy or a powerful redemptive tale of a husband sacrificing everything to win back the beautiful woman he has loved since she was a child. The first chapter gives little away, too busy introducing numerous characters who may or may not be important and who may or may not soon be murdered.

Speaking of thinly-veiled retreads of Sleeping with the Enemy, In Desperate Search of Peace sees Lisa Hill flee her crazy ex-fiance, who has turned his back on engagement to focus on his new passion, drug addiction. Much like Lynea, Lisa finds love in an idealised small town, Lake Duchess, on the Washington coastline, but still adjacent to a lake named Duchess. Sheriff Ryan Jacobs takes a shine to the mysterious newcomer, but his work is, 'complicated by his growing feelings her.' In a world where not even sentences make sense, how are emotions supposed to? Still, author Analiesa Adams should earn credit for the most unexpectedly romantic line of dialogue thus far. 'Don’t hide from me. You fucking whore, get out here. Stop this shit.' What has happened to our once sweet and innocent romance genre?

Impulse imagines the greatest obstacle any hero faces when attempting to win the heart of the heroine, a restraining order. Payton Jordan may be unable to spell her first name, but she has a successful career as a news anchor for Channel 6 Detroit. She has good looks, a trademark smile, the ability to read, skin and hair, everything a television personality requires. Still, nothing says celebrity more like a demented stalker, and Payton has one of those to boot. The opening chapter splits its time between Payton at the police station, and the stalker watching his favourite show, the news. Where is the hero, as mentioned in the pitch as criminal psychologist Sterling Hughes? As it happens, he doesn't appear to be anywhere, unless he turns out to be the stalker, and that seems unlikely. The pitch says Payton will escape to the relative safety of Atlanta, apparently the human trafficking centre of the United States.

All of these seven first chapters appear suitable for Harlequin, given their complete indifference towards editing. If they make it through to the final ten and their full manuscripts are offered to the public there are pitfalls each will have to avoid. Women-in-peril, as plot devices, appeal to author, publisher and reader. For the writer it affords them more than just the woman-meets-man formula of Romance to inform their structure. The case brings the hero and heroine together, gives them something to talk about and pushes the story-line forward even while the romantic plot inevitably sags. While providing momentum, the thriller aspect breaks up the scenes of feeling-having and family history-sharing with sequences of possible excitement.

The challenge for the writer is in finding a balance between high-octane thrills and saccharine sentiment. Romance comes before intrigue, after all, as there are plenty of other bookshop shelves for readers seeking action and adventure. The tonal shifts require a nuanced touch to give credibility to complex emotional responses to life and death danger and candlelit dinner in an Atlantan restaurant. Given the stakes of the subplot, attempts at levity and romance can display a flippancy that is not consistent with the severity of the situation. After all, is it in poor taste to end a novel with a couple kissing on a pile of corpses?

"Six years on the rodeo circuit had disillusioned Jewel about a lot of things"

For even the most world-weary of romance fans, Bewildered Hearts should still be wary of the occasional subversion to the archetypes of Mills & Boon. Plots and characters rarely deviate from the formulas that have served the publisher so prosperously. Therefore when a novel such as The Prince’s Cowgirl Bride appears the cynical reader would be forgiven for wondering how Brenda Harlen’s book ever got past the hopeful manuscript stage. The title suggests a prince and a cowgirl fall into wedlock, either naturally or through blackmail, and while this is the case the titular prince is a good decade younger than the inappropriately named cowgirl of the title. Yet, due to oversight, idealism or perhaps Friday afternoon cocktails at the office, this Special Moments offering has indeed made it into book form and Bewildered Heart has struggled through the opening three chapters and therefore an incredulous review is acceptable.

Jewel Callahan runs a stable for racing horses somewhere in rural United States. She inherited the business from her disapproving father and has been attempting to win the endorsement of adult men ever since. As a result, she has failed as a woman, reaching her mid-thirties with neither a husband nor a baby. Her beautiful, lively and charismatic sister, Crystal, has married and also manages a renowned bakery. This only reinforces the notion that something is wrong with Jewel, beyond her preference for horses over male companionship, baking cakes and babies. There is trouble at the stables, as Russ has found a woman of his own and handed in his notice. Now Jewel must deal with the most arduous task any person can face, recruitment. If only a tall, handsome, qualified, unemployed stranger would walk into her life during this very sentence…

Meanwhile, on a small Mediterranean island that does not exist, Marcus Santiago of Tesoro Del Mar is facing up to the reality of what it means to be a handsome young Prince. It seems he cannot even idly rest in the lap of luxury without a beautiful girl throwing herself at him. Sigh! Having no regal obligations, he is free to gallivant the globe and study at whichever prestigious school he pleases, all while beautiful girls throw themselves at him. After presumably graduating from Harvard he travels across the United States, winding up in the same small-town backwater bakery Crystal owns, just in time to hear Jewel complain of being short-staffed. This term could never be used to describe Marcus, and so he introduces himself as Mac Delgado, turns and delivers a foal and is promptly rewarded with a two week trial.

Jewel is reluctant to hire the most beautiful man she has ever seen despite his display of veterinary competence and muscular torso. He may know his way around a horse and a gym, but what he offers in masculinity he lacks somewhat in biographical detail. Still, her stable is a couple cowboys short of a hoedown, if you forgive the technical parlance, and seeing as how the alternative is trawling through resumes and interviewing people, Jewel wisely decides to employ the first person she sees. Moreover, Crystal is delighted with the spontaneous hiring, and believes Mac to be eligible husband material for her sister based upon his appearance and lack of employment. Jewel’s stable has been a couple of cowboys short of a rodeo for many years now, if you forgive the vulgar euphemism, and seeing as how the alternative is trawling the internet and dating people, Crystal wisely decides to set Jewel up with the first person she sees.

The attraction between hero and heroine is palpable, and oft-mentioned by a narrator intent on heavy-handedness. Yet despite their shared magnificence Jewel cannot see herself marrying Mac. After all, she is ten years older than him and women over twenty-six are physically disgusting. Yet the age difference does not concern Mac because, as with all idealised men, he just happens to be into that. In his favour, however, a lifetime of cleaning stalls has been kind to this business owner and part-time jockey. She is as pretty as a twenty-something, and has all the sexual experience of a female character in a Harlequin romance. Her good looks captivate the secret Prince immediately, and he barely notices Crystal, a far more attractive woman and about his age. From this promising beginning the opening chapters contain bridled passion, as the flirtatious couple find ways to be alone and further ways not to touch, setting the probable trend for the rest of the novel, give or take a kiss and maybe a few rides around the paddock.

Due perhaps to its one surprising element, The Prince’s Cowgirl Bride compensates with stereotypes and clichés in all other areas. Mac is a modern hero, keen to shirk responsibility by marrying and starting a family. Harlen does not want her reader to doubt his credentials as sensitive alpha male, foregoing the usual trial of the hero overcoming conceitedness by making him thoroughly decent from the outset. There seems only one obstacle between him and his happy ever after, and that is his duty as Prince of a small Mediterranean island that does not exist. Can he leave his family and God-given birthright, throw it all away to co-manage a stable with the dream woman of his ten year older self? Will Mac sacrifice something he doesn’t want for sex?

The difficulties for Jewel are numerous and easily overcome. She must save her business, and the non-profit charity she runs in her spare time, possibly by riding one of her abandoned horses to victory in a local derby. She must prove to the friends of her father that she is a worthy successor and can be trusted in running the stables. She must begin to respect herself without the affection of her father and believe herself worthy of the perfect man. She must discover that her perfect man is nothing more than the invention of a bored playboy in the country illegally on an expired visa. She must quickly realise that his lying was fine with her and marry whoever he really is anyway. Only then will she truly have everything, including a tiara, the ultimate prize for any modern woman.

Why Brenda Harlen felt it necessary to introduce an age gap remains to be read, but it appears to be another neurosis for Jewel to fight past. The split narrative perspective serves little purpose when every rummage around Mac’s brain reveals little but the conflict between masculine arousal and gentlemanly restraint. The heroine has more than just her horses riding on the outcome of her romance, but the love story is not threatened by external forces. Whereas Accidental Princess was structured around the rules of the aristocracy and threw in a relationship to complicate matters, the reader has no understanding of the customs of a Mediterranean island that does exist. If the stable fails Jewel always has royalty to fall back on, and if the stable succeeds what stops Mac from staying in whichever part of West Virginia the novel is set in? The only thing prohibiting Jewel and Mac from getting together, besides all of the deceit, is Jewel’s refusal to believe she is the heroine of a romantic fantasy.

“Most women would trade their soul for the chance to don a title and the crown jewels”

What with all that has been happening these last jam-packed months Bewildered Heart almost forgot there was the second in a Special Moments Two-in-One to read. After the misanthropic joy of Once Upon a Wedding what would its complimentary companion offer to counter-balance the romance, comedy, self-employment and bourgeois-bashing of Stacy Connelly's modern fairytale? Would there be dark dramas and the glorification of consumerism, or would Nancy Robards Thompson fail to subvert convention with a contrived tale of secret identities to the backdrop of resplendent luxury? With a title such as Accidental Princess that is anybody's guess, but now, with the initial three chapters stared at and understood, Bewildered Heart can ascertain in which direction the life of one struggling single mother is headed. Why are there are so many accidental princesses wandering the world of romance fiction nowadays? Is it because there are so many intentional princes without brides?

Where more suitable to learn such answers to such questions than with the potted history of a fictional royal family from a fictional island that kind of exists. In the world of Thompson's cursory research St. Michel is an independent Mediterranean island overseen by the powerful, albeit fictional, King Bertrand. Decades ago his eldest daughter had fallen for the glamorous, albeit fictional, rock star Nick Morrison. Facing scandal Bertrand had forced Princess Sylvie to give birth to her baby in a fictional country not dissimilar to France named France, before sending the child away to the United States to grow up in obscurity. Shortly thereafter, Sylvie and Nick had attempted a family reconciliation only to perish in a plane crash. Later Princess Celine died in a road accident and her brother, Prince Thibault, lost his life in a diving disaster further hence. Now, in whichever fictional year the novel takes place in, Prince Antoine, wife Leanna, children and assorted guards have met their fates in a tragic fire. For the somehow still employed head of security Luc Lejardin either the House of Founteneau is cursed or an ageing procrastinator has been murdering the King's offspring until none remained.

Meanwhile, in a small town in North Carolina Sophie Baldwin has taken her office's Dress Down Friday to heart by going to work as a jar of mustard. What with her costume and irritable daughter Savannah to worry about it is no surprise Sophie turns up twenty minutes late for her Social Services desk job. While her completely reasonable boss takes these numerous breaches of contract with patient good humour Sophie is stunned by the bitchiness of her superior. After suggesting a subplot involving Laura Hastings that may well be forgotten about Sophie is called home by her frantic daughter with news of a French invasion. When she arrives she discovers a very handsome foreigner on her doorstep, the spitting image, in fact, of actor Oliver Martinez, because Thompson finds describing things tiresome. There Sophie hears the news that every women longs to hear, that she is the secret love child of an European royal dynasty and must be whisked away to a life of idle indulgence, castles, sea, sun and serfs.

Sensing what sounds like an elaborate and breathlessly well-executed confidence trick Sophie dismisses her so-called parents and the suited bodyguards to panic over finding her fourteen year-old daughter in bed with a tattooed ruffian nicknamed Tick. With problems piling up and only one possible way to solve her every problem in a matter of seconds, Sophie finds the time to ponder how her life became so complicated. As with the majority of divorced single parents, Her Highness was once married and without child. Once Savannah was born the marriage grew apart and one day Frank left for the sunny climes of California and the sun-kissed charms of teenage girls. This may have been the point where Sophie's self-esteem plummeted and she began to closely resemble store-brand condiments. Nevertheless, as infamous ladies man and observant noticer of things Luc Lejardin notices observantly, Sophie Baldwin remains a luminously attractive women with a quite splendid chin. How or why this is possible due to the ravages of time, stress and seasoning, however, is kept mysterious, due to Thompson's insistence that writing about stuff distracts from endless recalling of back-story.

Forward momentum is threatened when Sophie refuses to drop her responsibilities and abscond to an island that her education tells her does not exist. This rejection of regal duties forces King Bertrand himself to fly all the way from nowhere to a private airport near Washington D.C. in a desperate bid to keep the world's media from questioning his unexpected visit. Somewhat presumptuously this is where Chapter Three concludes, leaving the reader with the barest understanding of character motivations and story development and only the slightest inclination to begin Chapter Four. As contemporary twists on classic fairytale tropes go, Accidental Princess is certainly an improvement on the faux-Cinderella generics of Once Upon a Wedding. Sophie Baldwin is portrayed as an unlikely woman for picturebook romance, having been cast aside by one husband, dismissed by her daughter, criticised at work and constantly mocked by herself as a frumpy, pale imitation of her youthful loveliness. Only an idealised Gallic Adonis seems to have the ability to see through all visible evidence to the sexually alluring creature lurking beneath.

There are a handful of minor obstacles for the couple to overcome before they can rule a fictional country, however, yet most of these troubles can be fixed through vocabulary-updating. Savannah's ungrateful attitude and worrying misstep of scantily-clad bed-sharing were resolved during a mother daughter heart-to-heart discussion Thompson decided against writing. Still, any additional fears of Savannah and Tick's blossoming romance can be handled by a stepdad well-versed in gunplay and martial arts. The overwhelming concern, at least for Luc, is his own family's reputation, destroyed by his late father's scheming second wife. How could a man tasked with protecting a family, now mostly dead, who bears the disgraced and hard to pronounce Lejardin name marry into the House of Founteneau? Naturally, this conundrum can be solved by all parties acting reasonably, but in the land of Mills & Boon it usually requires two hundred pages of shoe-shuffling and sex before this decision is reached. Most importantly, of course, there is the small matter of a serial killer on the loose, who takes up to ten years to meticulously orchestrate fatal mishaps? In eight years time might Sophie and Savannah board a train, switch on a kettle or light a cigarette in a seemingly well-ventilated room and could Luc forgive himself for their untimely demises as easily as he shrugged off the others?

Much will depend on how Thompson wishes to play with the tropes of the genre. The damsel-in-distress and protector romance is something of a worn-out archetype, and the predictable introduction of single parent with troubled child expected of Special Moments does little to reinvigorate the formula. There are possibilities for originality, not least Sophie's commitment to her country, work and family, and thus a rejection of patriarchal pressure to submit to the princess fantasy. Do the glimpses of Mary Matthews, Mr. Carlo and Laura suggest an alternative direction for the novel? Will Luc prove a true twenty-first century hero by staying in North Carolina and fighting for the woman he loves on her terms? This is plausible, but highly unlikely for a book entitled Accidental Princess, just as it appeared improbable that Once Upon a Wedding would end with Kelsey prioritising her business over a dreamy man wearing jeans. No doubt circumstance and luck will allow Sophie to achieve all of her most fantastical dreams without sacrifice, as all heroines should, thus fulfilling the publisher's mantra that what makes Mills & Boon successful is what makes story-telling amateurish.

"He likes his women sentient. He's probably not celibate then"

Fifty Shades of Grey weighs in at a daunting five hundred and six pages. The lettering is large and easily distinguishable even at an appropriately coy distance, yet the bombastic and inept prose style of author EL James will cause every reader, regardless of their obsession, to struggle their way through, questioning their commitment as often as the heroine flushes. The admittedly congruous pain of such an arduous slog could have been avoided had the novel any merits, but Fifty Shades of Grey is utterly without distinction. Now, there are numerous websites, newspapers, magazines and people standing by themselves at parties who are all too happy to discuss the book, and therefore Bewildered Heart, still grimly wading through turgidity with several hundred pages remaining, cannot simply regurgitate plot and glaring literary flaws, as it does with the majority of the Mills & Boon's it has reviewed. What little that can be added in way of explanation of James' enduring success seems worthless at this juncture also, and yet something must be written to account for the continued reading.

Therefore we shall attempt to highlight the positives in James' tome because, despite evidence to the contrary, there are strong ideas at the heart of the novel's concept, although James seems unaware of what they are. The tale of Ana and Christian rushes headily into the bashful glancing and blushing stage, with our aloof billionaire barely able to string a sentence together without grinning knowingly at the sexual connotations of something he didn't quite say. Our virginal, yet sexy, heroine seems equally incapable of performing tasks without deciphering the sexual connotations and reddening mercilessly, to the point where her ghostly complexion is replaced by a perpetual shade of crimson. Despite this, Mr. Grey is smitten. Even after several warnings from the man himself, her only friend Kate and assorted males Ana is too a prisoner to her carnal desires and soon, after a series of contrived meetings, a polite courtship begins. However, Christian is insistent that he be the only man to force himself on Ana and a drunken pass from token ethnic José only hurries the plot towards the losing of consciousness that inevitably leads to marriage. Before the reader can shout, 'Get on with it,' James has her characters in a helicopter on their way to Grey's luxurious bachelor pad, ensconced snugly inside a mountain carved into the form of his lop-sided smile.

Yet, as everyone already knows, Christian Grey isn't your average impossibly-beautiful twenty-seven year old self-made billionaire and with comical brevity his dark secrets are unravelled, inbetween lengthy bouts of plot-defying love-making. Christian asks Ana to become his submissive, the woman he keeps in a room at the top of his stairs, who dresses as he pleases, eats as he demands, shaves where he tells her and obeys unquestioningly his every whim. Ana's acquiescence is complicated by a mysterious locked door in Christian's luxurious duplex. Fortunately, any tension is immediately squandered as the door is opened shortly after Ana notices it. Inside what is aptly named the Red Room of Pain is an arsenal of torture devices, chains, hooks, ropes and a four-poster bed, because billionaire sadomasochism has decorum. As it transpires, Christian became a submissive to his adoptive mother's friend at the age of fifteen and after many years of corporal punishment has developed a taste for inflicting pain on others. Ana is horrified, yet naturally aroused, and tentatively agrees to read over one of the contracts Christian keeps permanently tucked into his jacket pocket.

Before soft and hard limits can be discussed there is the small matter of Ana's purity to deal with. Christian is unable to believe that Ana has amassed twenty-one years without a wealthy eccentric propositioning her, yet she is as untouched as he is perverse. Quickly he regains the icy demeanour he tends towards and breaks his two cardinal rules of never making love and never sharing a bed by gently making patient love and then sharing a bed of restful sleep. Ana has a man, somewhere to live, a car, a computer, a degree, a thriving sex-life and money, while Christian has been cured of his penchant for violence and has overcome his sleep disorder. Those assuming this to be a happy ending are best advised to gloss over the following three hundred pages. By that time nothing more has been resolved and no headway has been made into understanding Mr. Grey's enigma or Miss Steele's stupidity. Herein lies the inherent problems in James' story-telling. Fifty Shades of Grey is fantastical fairytale, ignoring reality and refusing to approach potentially compelling ideas, satisfied instead to trade on supposedly risqué sexual content for a gimmick.

The sex is poorly utilised, however, as James removes all darkness, brutality and threat in order to maintain the idealised fantasy of her world. She portrays Christian as impossible to love, due to his bedroom peccadilloes and aloof sensibility, but he is the finest slice of masculinity ever committed to page. He wants Ana, but only on his own terms and makes it clear he is unable to be the man she needs him to be. This core concept might have allowed for a searing morality tale, a powerful rite-of-passage or a emotionally-wrought love story, but the set-up is fallacious, as James cannot commit to unlikeable characters or even the slightest sense of danger. Christian is an intelligent, loving, sensitive, charming control freak who enjoys hurting women, even though he has never hurt a woman and does not like to. He says he cannot share a bed and yet does, sleeping better than when he's alone. His dysfunction is not debilitating, scary or painful, but rather a lively and worthwhile interest guaranteeing countless orgasms. Ana risks nothing by being with him and without knowing what she wants she stands to gain everything all women want which we assume she wants too, what with Ana being a woman.

Every romance begins with a couple arranging a compromise where both find mutual benefits from a relationship. Unlike the more honestly conventional Mills & Boon novels, Fifty Shades of Grey positions itself as the ultimate power struggle, involving sex as a visual metaphor for that confrontation. In this sense there is great promise in the novel's central conceit, but this is incompetently wasted, as has become custom in the romance genre. James strives for a powerful conflict that her plot is incapable of earning. The narrator is a morbidly embarrassed klutz who hates her appearance and seems to cope with the world by splitting herself into three distinct personalities, all of whom hate one another and indulge in a lifelong game of Schadenfreude. This is an obvious attempt to make her sympathetic, but instead results in a series of failed jokes. Nevertheless, these signs of deep psychological scarring remain the only indication that Ana has character.

All the reader is left with is what the reader came for in the first place, the sex. Christian's paraphilia for silk ties and riding crops is consistent with the flaws in his personality, creating the arc he must resolve for his happy ending. Yet due to the book's idealised wish-fulfillment the darker aspects of his sexuality turn out hugely gratifying for all involved, meaning the hero draws the heroine into his world rather than she draws him back to a satisfying equilibrium. Does James therefore make the argument that people should be more sexually adventurous, less inhibited and more honest with themselves about desire? If she does it appears to be a purely coincidental consequence of her predictable formula. Yet the impression is offered that Ana is empowered by what she is made to do and contented by the constant rushes of pleasure that crash over her like waves. This seems to be a delusional fantasy on the part of the author, as Ana's stereotypical depiction as an unworldly virgin allows for no insight into anything. Moving forward with dwindling optimism we note, with dismay, that there are many chapters remaining. Will we learn what secrets Christian hides behind his beautiful eyelashes and curly chest hair and more importantly, will they have any worthwhile effect on the story or Ana's philosophical musings?

"A moppet-haired kid who likes impossibly sad music"

Any weblog on the internet that has ever thrown a blog party will be aware that Bewildered Heart has a tendency to arrive late, if at all, to such parties. Therefore it feels nothing short of appropriate to offer an in-depth critique of the opening three chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, the cultural juggernaut that has radically and momentarily altered how people view sex, literature, book sales and traumatized tycoons. The novel begins on the rain-soaked highways leading to Seattle, Washington. Anastasia (Ana to her friends. Hi, Ana!) Steele is on her way to interview the enigmatic billionaire Christian Grey, founder and CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc, multinational conglomerate and maker of things. Ana is a bright, ambitious English major, studying the romantic classics James would be better off not bringing to the reader's mind. Her flatmate and best friend, Kate, was supposed to conduct the meeting herself, but has fallen foul of a narratively expedient sickness. Ana should be studying for finals, but how could she refuse this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to sit down with a successful businessman who never grants audiences, only making the occasional exception for anyone who asks. Even though she has not asked, here she is anyhow, armed only with a Dictaphone, some notes, a tatty outfit and an endearingly feminine clumsiness. Ana is unschooled in cynicism and constantly berates herself for being unattractive, awkward and foolish. Despite this she remains irresistible to all men, with a smattering of fellow students yearning to review her dissertation, as it were, and several colleagues at the hardware store desperate to hammer some nails into her sideboard, again as it were.

Written in a more informal and conversational style than its template Ana's narration still shows glimpses of a disparate home-life that closely resembles that of Bella Swan, including an irresponsible and oft-married mother. Mostly, however, Ana frets about not fitting in and embarrassing herself in front of those with a firm understanding of their own identity. Without an image-conscious, insular high school setting Fifty Shades settles for extravagant wealth. Thus Ana finds herself intimidated by metallic architecture and women able to walk. She mentally prepares for the interview, going over Kate's questions in an incongruous scene when considered against what happens next. Shown into his provocatively enormous office Ana trips over her feet and hits the floor, but who is there to help her up but our novel's hero. Ana is instantly struck by Mr. Grey's youth, less than thirty, his physical beauty, physically beautiful, and his copper-coloured hair, coppery. Much like her spiritual predecessor detailed description proves too much for E.L. James, but the reader is left in no doubt that Grey is very gorgeous. Perpetually blushing, Ana begins to probe her subject, revealing that beneath the well-groomed surface lies a smug and arrogant control freak. Nevertheless, his personality does little to sway her strong attraction for him, suggesting Ana was paying attention when reading the novels of Jane Austen and the Brontë sisters.

Christian Grey is the embodiment of the modern Byronic hero, wealthy and powerful, dismissive and sexist, dark and good-looking, brooding and intense, mysterious and seemingly always running out of duct tape. Ana can do nothing in the force of raw masculinity but fall down, ask over-familiar questions and somehow beguile and unwittingly seduce, as she does with every man she meets. The next day Christian happens to be passing Ana's workplace and stops in to purchase some rope. They get to talking while shopping for questionable items and a photoshoot is arranged to accompany Kate's profile. The gang of possibly significant student characters descend on the most decadent hotel in the local area to snap some portraits and leap to some conclusions, before Christian invites Ana to drink hot beverages and swap biographical information at the most decadent café in the local area. At the coffee house we learn that Ana's favourite tea is Twining's English Breakfast, and logic dictates that this must surely become an important plot point later. Ana does not drink coffee and does not eat in front of men, but Christian enjoys coffee and is fond of blueberry muffins, yet despite their indubitably different lifestyles the pair seem smitten and determined to gaze longingly at one other whilst speaking in euphemisms. Briefly, Christian finds time to save Ana's life after another glaring moment of ungainliness and there the third chapter ends leaving the reader to hope something worthwhile will happen in the remaining three hundred pages.

After fifty pages of navel-gazing we have witnessed a relatively docile and old-fashioned courtship between an unworldly virgin and a ruthless tycoon who will stop at nothing to possess her, as politely as he is able to. The writing is clichéd, the characters are bland archetypes, the plot is predictable and had Mills & Boon been the publisher Ana would have accidentally stumbled upon an iron maiden locked inside a wardrobe by now. Naturally, Ana's infatuation with Christian Grey is purely physical, as the conflicts thrown in the way of their relationship are either emotional or cerebral. James handles this attraction with amateurish concision, making her leading man the embodiment of masculine perfection, yet she fails to properly foreshadow his dark side with satisfying menace. His haunted back-story and misogynistic need for dominance are portrayed with a slight, knowing curling of the lips. What little light this sheds on the hero it offers less on the heroine, as her decision-making is unthinking and trouble-free. This does not conjure a great deal of optimism for the moral dilemmas she will soon face, but it is safe to assume E.L. James will force as much inevitability into the forthcoming crux of the book's concept as she does in the opening scenes of mutual admiration.

Ana's naïvety and impassivity appear to be her defining characteristics and are surely appealing to experienced perfectionists with mother issues like Christian Grey, but this creates an uncomfortable confection combining romantic fairytale with erotic psychological drama. Modern Harlequin Romances such as The Billionaire's Housekeeper Mistress, Bedded at the Billionaire's Convenience and The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal each tread a similar line to Fifty Shades of Grey, suggesting the formula has its followers, but anyone paying even the remotest attention will have already understood that Christian Grey's desires run deeper than those of the idealised husband material found in the aforementioned novels. Thus the Fifty Shades trilogy is a heightened version of Solicititilation, with the heroine using her womanly patience and empathy to help a billionaire overcome his behaviour problems and teach him to stop treating her like a live-in prostitute.

Christian Grey is an exaggerated alpha male, still arrogant and obsessive, but now bringing his flaws into the bedroom for additional complications. James sets out to interlace her conventional Cinderella-style love story with elements of mystery-thrillers and Bildungsroman, exploring notions of conformity and female empowerment. At this early stage character motivation is undetermined, which gives the drama the illusion of compulsion, but what makes the novel a page-turner is symptomatic of poor writing. What does Christian Grey want with Anastasia, besides the obvious things, and why does he want those obvious things from her, besides the obvious reasons? Does he represent a threat to Ana's well-being, her morality and long-term life-goals? Furthermore, does Ana have objectives of her own, for a career, a family or a remote cabin in the woods to scrawl Neo-Luddist rhetoric? How much does she risk from entering into a relationship with this charismatic tyrant? Will she lose her friends, her degree, her sense of self or her sanity due to her love for a man, and how will she reconcile this against the lessons of her literary heroines? If she can have everything she wants without losing anything in return why would an author bother to tell her story?

“He ran through air thick as quicksand, each move bogged down by guilt and regret”

The numerous obsessive Bewildered Hearts out there may recall an awkward encounter this weblog suffered through thanks to a Mills & Boon Desire 2-in-1. Here the benevolent publishers offered twice the romance, making The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal and Under the Millionaire's Influence the bread in an unappetising sandwich that had no filling. Never one to give up on a failed metaphor Mills & Boon has continued with this tradition and now Bewildered Heart has a new double novel to contend with, only this time there are two Special Moments for the price of two. Previously remembered as Romance Romance, and now known as Cherish, Special Moments is an imprint that specialises in fanciful fantasies and lightweight comedies, distinctly separated from the gritty realism of Modern, the sweaty sensuality of Spice and the ethnicity of Spanish. With no discernible qualities besides in what they are lacking therefore, Special Moments pushes the absurdity of romance fiction to the forefront, leaving readers in no doubt that Cherish authors live in a delusionally blissful state, writing novels such as Once Upon a Wedding and Accidental Princess.

For the time being we will focus our attention on the former, a 2009 effort by Stacy Connelly. While the title implies gruelling disappointment Once Upon a Wedding also suggests fairytale nuptials, and after the opening three chapters the reader will have had their worst fears confirmed. Life hasn't been kind to Kelsey Wilson. Despite her thriving business, winning personality, stunning good looks and impressive breasts Kelsey has had her fair share of misfortune. First there was something to do with her father the narrative rather glossed over, and then her dear and feisty mother picked one fight, with cancer, that she couldn't win. Presumably orphaned and frightfully working class Kelsey was taken in by her Aunt and Uncle, the billionaire Wilson's of the legendary Wilson Family. Kelsey grew up in the shadow of her beautiful blonde cousins, Emily and Aileen, and as a result of not seeing any sunlight has grown into a literal pale imitation. Now a somewhat struggling wedding planner she has her biggest, and possibly first, event to coordinate, the marriage of Emily Wilson and Todd Dunworthy, of the resplendent Dunworthy clan. With ten days before the ceremony a rather large and attractive spanner is through into the works. The bride and groom only went and invited Emily's ex-boyfriend, Connor McClane, to the wedding and now he has arrived, spanner wedged uncomfortably into his trousers and with every intention of halting the couple's happiness and Kelsey's gainful employment.

Thus Once Upon a Wedding's heroine has a new job to add to that of everything else, she must stop Connor from whatever he is doing, but what is Connor doing? Connor McClane has a good life. He lives somewhere and works as the world's sexiest private detective. Sunglasses look tremendous on his face and even one of his lazy half-smiles is enough to reduce the female population to giddy puddles of excitement. Sure, he's a rebel from the wrong sides of the tracks and yeah, he was never good enough for Emily's uptight parents and big deal, he was responsible for an innocent woman getting murdered a couple of weeks ago and so what, he's an insensitive, paranoid jerk who gave up love for a big cheque, but Connor McClane has changed and now only three of those things are true. A month ago Connor had dinner in San Diego with Todd and Emily, and his tingly Private Detective senses went into overload. Something about Todd's smug wealth and handsome face and penis in Emily rubbed Connor the wrong way. Since then he has been hellbent on proving the groom is unsuitable for Emily and his exhaustive and expensive investigation has brought him absolutely no evidence. Yet Connor does not need evidence when he has a hunch and a history of fatally misjudging people. While readers may jump to the conclusion that he still harbours feelings for Emily, Connor dispels such notions by immediately attempting to seduce Kelsey, even going so far as to stare at her breasts.

While Kelsey was living in lowly one-bedroom apartments with her mother, Emily was the society princess her parents always planned for her to be. However, Emily had very different ideas, ideas borrowed from too many hackneyed Hollywood movies to recount. Aged eighteen she fell for Connor, a bad boy on a motorcycle and their doomed love affair fizzled briefly before Mr. Wilson paid Connor to break up with Emily and leave town. Nothing would have given Connor greater satisfaction than throwing the money back in the old man's face, but unfortunately destiny conspired against such idealistic notions of youth, because even then Connor loved money and needed some for a business opportunity. However long it has been since then has passed, but Emily has not changed, and is still the easily-manipulated arm candy she has always been. For this reason Connor has returned, perhaps to stop a sham marriage, or maybe just needing more money from Mr. Wilson. Our supposedly down-to-earth heroine cannot resist Connor's wild conspiracy theories or impish grin, and as the third chapters ends the adventure to bring down Todd Dunworthy has begun, just as soon as Connor finishes having breakfast in his hotel room with Emily.

Unlike every Mills & Boon novel Once Upon a Wedding contains a superficial impression that money isn't necessarily attractive. Although Kelsey shows the archetypal disinterest in wealth that all romantic heroines pretend to have before they marry a billionaire, Connor arrives in town as the never-do-well troubled youth made good. He has expendable resources for his vendetta against Todd and for a fortnight's stay at a five-star hotel, but these plot contrivances are more likely erroneous missteps by Connelly rather than subtle references to Connor's status as the richest private eye Earth has ever known. Laying the alpha male's financial comfort aside, the novel retains many trademarks of traditional Mills & Boon shelf-filler. Kelsey is an unassuming beauty, disgusted by her womanly curves, porcelain skin, fiery hair and freckles. Fortunately for the book's genre, and her own self-confidence, Connor likes his proverbial cushions sparkling white, plumped up and with red trim. Of lesser importance perhaps, Kelsey prefers a man to be an assured, patient, idealised Adonis with nothing but compliments and commitment on his mind. Soon swept along by Connor's immaculate brilliance, of course, and it hardly seems to matter what she wants.

Little of significance takes place over the course of the initial sixty pages, with the author cramming in as much laboured back-story as possible. When the action does manage to briefly catch up with the present hero and heroine are found wistfully remembering how beautiful the other is, only to worry over how their instant infatuations cannot lead anywhere, because Connor and Emily used to date and Kelsey is supposed to be distracting him, not falling in love. Despite these persuasive reasons they are falling in love, they have no choice, yet what is there to suggest that this couple are meant to be together? Without discernible personalities to give depth to their journeys they only share a disdain for Charlene, Emily's social-climbing, conceited mother. Kelsey is a mess of panic and neuroses, but Stacy Connelly has simply contrived the creation of her hero to specifically love all of her heroine's flaws and anxieties. Thus by failing to flesh out a credible protagonist the surrounding world she relates to becomes stereotypical and emotionally-clichéd. There is no need to fret at this early stage though, as there is much plotting to unfold over the remaining one hundred and fifty pages. Villains will be unmasked, lives shall be saved, secrets will be revealed and at some point Kelsey and Connor will wed.

“Her living space was attractive, efficient and simple. Like her”

As a prospective career in romance fiction writing appears a distant dream unattainable through work or talent Bewildered Hearts are encouraged to take faith in unlikely success stories and genre phenomenons such as Nora Roberts, the world's most prolific author. The dedication she shows to her craft is so great she only occasionally takes breaks, and during those brief holidays she writes futuristic police procedurals under the name J.D. Robb, the world's second most prolific author. During these last few weeks we have been coping with the task of reading about another of her franchise families, the insensitively affluent MacGregor clan. In Parts One and Two of the overly verbose The MacGregor Grooms Roberts has married off the wealthy, gorgeous and talented painter D.C. and the rich, handsome and brilliant gambler and small business owner Duncan. Nevertheless, however many that is now is still not enough for the serial matchmaker Daniel MacGregor. As a result, the wily old wino has set his gaze on grandson Ian MacGregor, a prosperous, attractive and intelligent lawyer. Ian has recently bought a large house somewhere near Boston, Massachusetts, and has begun to fill it with tasteful, expensive furniture. Damn it, barks Daniel to no one in particular, won't this boy ever settle down?

As with all men Ian needs a woman, a steady, calming influence to nurture him and be pregnant with his children. Therefore Daniel begins to scour the state for eligible, single ladies and who better than Naomi Brightstone, who just took over the family business, Brightstone's, Boston's most respected and idealised bookstore. Not only has Naomi over-hauled the shop in light of the dwindling fortunes of street-front booksellers, adding a coffee bar and children's section, but she has also over-hauled herself, in light of the dwindling fortunes of overweight, ugly women who smell funny. Now she wears perfume and make-up, dresses in outfits that accentuate her slim, yet shapely, figure and has halted her shy, secluded existence behind shelves of novels. All she needs to finish her transformation is the contract officially confirming her as partner in the business, and a lawyer is bringing those papers over personally, and not just any lawyer, but a lawyer from the law practise of MacGregor & MacGregor, only the most beautiful, lucrative law practice on the planet.

MacGregor & MacGregor is the family business, where Ian works with his sister, the eminent, stunning and gifted Laura Cameron and possibly other members of his endless family. Ian has one final stop to make before he can head home. He has to personally deliver the freshly-drawn up papers to Brightstone's, where he must also unearth some first editions as a favour to his grandfather. After some reminiscing about his perfect childhood Ian meets Naomi and an enduring tale of love has begun to be unfurled. Naomi can't help but be impressed by Ian's charms, good looks, muscular frame, smarts, finances and confidence. Equally, Ian is taken by Naomi's scent, reading glasses and her most noticeable trait of being a woman. Days later and Naomi has plucked up the courage to visit Ian at his office and drop off the last of The MacGregor's book orders. What she lacks in nerve and self-belief is quietly made up for in narrative necessities, and a date is made, ostensibly to celebrate Naomi's career-achievement, but in actual fact to allow she and Ian to continue sniffing one another and sighing.

After a light bout of physical intimidation Ian displays his affection for the finer things in life, taking Naomi to a fancy restaurant where they discuss Celtic music, old things and other obscure pastimes to prove they are a couple with common interests. With everything going smoothly, the candlelight stirring romantic feelings and the silk-flavoured wine loosening inhibitions, Ian reveals his devastating tactic to keep Naomi in his life. He wants to build a library in his resplendent house. Having researched libraries on the internet Ian discovered they are filled with books, much like bookshops, so who better to help stack books into a room than the manager of Brightstone's, a bookshop that is literally filled with books? Naomi is naturally disappointed, but remains philosophical. Of course, what would a dishy and flourishing MacGregor child want with a formally dowdy potato-chip-eater like her? With the meal dispensed with and few calories consumed the date concludes outside Naomi's home, but no sooner did Roberts introduced her potential conflict of mixed signals and misunderstood verbal gestures does she negate it completely, as Ian lowers his head and luscious flow of thick, masculine hair to passionately kiss Naomi on her timid, feminine lips to reveal any number of proverbial rainbows, clouds and low-carb cupcakes.

As Nora Roberts subtly exposes Naomi as nothing more than a woman the third chapter ends and the spirited race from respectful courting to life-affirming sex to blissful matrimony has wasted little time on the respectful courting stage. As with D.C., Duncan and every other hero in Roberts' series, Ian the lawyer is a spectacular example of the glorified male. Within a handful of pages Naomi has surrendered to his will, overwhelmed by his presence and ability to speak. However, there are allusions to the difficulties that lie ahead. Unlike the previous two heroines Naomi is the polar opposite of the secure, emotionally-stubborn Cat Farrell and the possessed, uptight Layna Drake. While D.C. was able to break down the latter's prim exterior through the use of sex and compliments, Duncan had to conquer the vulnerability within Cat through the use of sex and gifts. Despite these eye-opening differences, Naomi has neither the sexual confidence of Cat nor the independent determination of Layna. After all, she is a work-in-process, an introverted virgin who has only ever read about compliments in encyclopaedias. How does a man make a wife out of such disarray and anxiety? Through the use of sex, gifts and compliments perhaps?

If anyone knows the answers to those questions we can assume Nora Roberts has a semblance of an idea, as she wrote the story and it is doubtful she will throw around trite psychological epiphanies and thoughtless scenes of casual sexism in a deluded belief this will satisfy the reader. As is typical of her focus throughout these revealing briefs Roberts switches the point of view with jarring regularity, but merely uses the opportunity to helpfully reinforce how marvellous Ian is. The MacGregor himself rears his head on two occasions, breaking from a scotch to abuse Ian's answerphone and then as the centre of conversation during the dinner, as his grandchildren have been taught to always twist flirtatious banter into an anecdote about an elderly relative. His work here, however, seems rather unnecessarily. Within moments of their initial meeting hero and heroine appear made for one another, because they were made for one another by a lazy author struggling with a deadline. Ian has designs to settle down and take a wife, and Naomi is the first woman he sees having come to this decision. Meanwhile, Naomi is powerless against male sexuality and has no thoughts or ideology to call her own. As The MacGregor lies back for his mid-afternoon nap he can rest off his stupor easily, safe in the knowledge that this is one love story that will not warrant one of his needless cameos, although it may require some of his alcohol.

“Lighted mirror, long counter, padded stool, clothes rack. And God bless America, a neat sofa”

The second part of The MacGregor Grooms concerns the playboy and professional boat owner Duncan Blade, son of Serena MacGregor and Justin Blade, and brother of Amelia, Gwendolyn and, who can forget, 'Mac' MacGregor. For Daniel Duncan, their alcoholic loon of a grandfather, Duncan is his spiritual successor, because they share a love of cigars, drinking and gambling. However, The MacGregor has come to the conclusion he comes to with everyone eventually, and so it is about time Duncan settled down and married someone who also isn't interested in marriage and settling down, because without a family the passing of time is another variation of loneliness, as that great philosopher Nora Roberts once wrote. Therefore off we go to the Mississippi and the classic riverboat the Comanche Princess, a suspiciously successful riverboat so named because Duncan is of Native American blood and has a thing for princesses, possibly. It matters not, as they set sail from St. Louis all the way to New Orleans, with stops at Memphis and Natchez, both locations which may well exist.

With the vessel as loaded as the dice, Duncan awaits one crew-member, the glamorous lounge singer Catherine Farrell. Naturally Catherine (Cat to her friends. Hi, Cat!) is late, over a day late, in fact, and Duncan's patience has run as dry as the ginger ale. Then, to further complicate matters, a teenager in a disgusting baseball cap tries to stow aboard. Duncan won't stand for such behaviour, but is struck by this under-age girl's sexy body and emerald green eyes. Uh oh, Duncan, you're not in Mississippi yet. He need not worry, because this woman is no child, but in fact Cat Farrell, the of age glamorous lounge singer with a sexy body it is socially acceptable to slobber over. He ushers her onto his potentially metaphorical boat, and Cat doesn't have to be a yachtsman, slush or amateur architect to be impressed by the traditional décor, modern casino and free food. She would also have to be blind or a lesbian not to be impressed by the dashing, flirtatious Duncan Blade, with his head of hair, cheekbones and sexual confidence. Fortunately for Cat she is neither blind nor a lesbian, and as previously alluded to she is a lounge singer with no interest in sailing or booze. Soon the intense chemistry has hero, heroine and author unable to describe anything in their interior monologues without referring to body parts. Roberts uses the opportunity to display her virtuoso skills at lively dialogue as Duncan says, 'Sometimes you have to go down before you go up.' Oh boy, isn't it hot in here?

If Duncan was aroused when walking in to Cat's dressing room and finding her naked, that was no match to hearing her sing on stage in a single spotlight practically naked. He is smitten, in a way only red-blooded, extroverted billionaires can be smitten, and invites her to his office for some bottled water, biographical information and sex. They begin with bottled water and things move swiftly from there. Between passionate kisses Duncan boldly propositions her to let herself into his cabin after that evening's performance for additional connection. Having equated him to the intentional act of killing oneself Cat hurries to the door. Their chemistry is bubbling over too quickly, as only moments earlier she had ruled out sleeping with her boss and now she is about to sleep with her boss in exchange for career help. Still, if she didn't want to go to his cabin that evening then kissing him, being attracted to him and falling in love with him were obvious miscalculations for that so often flawless Southern logic. She returns below deck to indulge her healthy appetite for gratis meals, leaving Duncan to temper his arousal in ways more becoming of a gentleman. He is happy, therefore, to hear from his grandfather, but Duncan instantly smells a rat in The MacGregor's casual enquiry of Catherine Mary Farrell. To throw a proverbial gremlin into the matchmaking system Duncan invents an engagement between Cat and her piano player and hey presto!, the game is afoot.

Nevertheless, for all of Daniel Duncan's meddling and Duncan Junior's canny recognition of being played Nora Roberts has created little conflict for her hero and heroine to overcome. The end of third chapter twist is deceitful, a cynical ploy to get The MacGregor and The MacGregor's wife on the boat to see for themselves the predictable conclusion to events as Duncan takes Cat in full view of the poop deck. Part Two of The MacGregor Grooms is as tame and inconsequential as Part One, with little to differentiate the archetypal players of both stories. DC and Duncan share more than a first initial, and represent the standard alpha male readers readily devour. Duncan enjoys the high life and numerous vices, but he has fashioned a successful life for himself which affords him endless opportunities to make money whilst indulging his numerous vices. One such hobby is beautiful, ravishing women and Cat fits the bill perfectly. Not only is she attractive, but she is available and nearby, two of the necessary qualities men look for when they aren't fleshed out enough to have a type.

Without either having discernible personalities it is easy to assume Duncan and Cat have much in common. Perhaps they do, but what remains most ideal about the heroine is that marrying her will not force the hero into altering his lifestyle. DC required a little domesticity and a haircut, thus Layna enjoyed tidying and would have had scissors somewhere, but Duncan has no charming characteristics he will need to sacrifice to become an honest man. Catherine Farrell, meanwhile, is largely at odds with the straight-laced businesswoman Layna, as much as Layna was with DC. Cat and Duncan are like-minded hedonists, eager to copulate with no strings attached. While DC had to wear down Layna's prim exterior for the nymphomaniac beneath, Cat has a handful of moral qualms about romantic involvement with her employer and a chip on her shoulder borne from her squalid upbringing on the mean streets of Chicago. These, however, are minor hindrances and immediately over-looked in the handsome face of swagger and cash inducements.

The novella format offers Roberts a chance to cut through the usual conflicts and contrivances that scupper fifty-thousand-word Harlequin romances and concentrate instead on the highlights of a couple falling in love against their better judgement. The author attempts to compensate for a lack of drama, tension and narrative nuance with a rush to physical contact, sob story and kiss, hoping the reader will appreciate punchy prose and characters who know what they want and aren't interested in waiting. Nevertheless, if Roberts was concerned with realism Duncan's tale would be finished already and The MacGregor would be staving off the spectre of death by drunkenly pawing over his family tree for loose limbs. Instead he is needlessly headed for the Mississippi River for his cameo appearance. When he and Anna arrive they will find another grandchild in love and refusing to admit it, but they have seen this all before and emotional denial has no defence against a stubborn pensioner with whiskey on his breath and mischief in his mind. This time, Roberts will argue, The MacGregor maybe powerless, because it is not Duncan who needs manipulating, but Catherine, and how do you convince a woman in love that she is in love with the man she is in love with? Nora has only six chapters remaining and as the third closes to the sound of the hero's smug laughter Roberts has exhausted a credible amount of reticence. What to write for sixty pages? There simply aren't enough nautical phrases in the offing to tide us over.

“A woman with backbone, a woman with brains and ambitions – and breeding”

Nora Roberts has written over two hundred romance novels. She began her career with Silhouette over thirty years ago, having been first rejected by Mills & Boon when they began scouring the United States for authors. By the time she had found the international success few romance writers achieve her publisher had been bought out and Harlequin cashed in on a novelist attuned to her reader's desires, canny with a franchise and with a relentless appetite for work. Beginning in 1985, Nora created a new dynasty, a multi-generational family of the wealthy, attractive and powerful, allowing her an endless series of books and short stories about the MacGregor clan. Not to be confused with the Mackade Brothers, The Stanislaskis, the Calhoun Women, the Cordina Royal Family, the Stars of Mithra, The Donovan Legacy, The O'Hurleys and the goings-on of Night, the MacGregors are led by Daniel Duncan MacGregor and wife Anna Whitfield. They met and married in print and went onto have three children, who also got their romantic stories told, having numerous grandchildren and great-grandchildren that would fill Roberts' writing obligations for the next few weeks and shape the destiny of fictional American politics and culture, a country controlled by an affluent, white elite.

What followed became known as Playing The Odds, Tempting Fate, All The Possibilities, One Man's Art, For Now, Forever, In From the Cold, Rebellion, The Winning Hand and The Perfect Neighbor. However, Roberts and Daniel Duncan could not be stopped, offering us two collections of revealing briefs; The MacGregor Brides and The MacGregor Grooms. These are not the same stories told from differing points of view, but rather six further romances between one of the world's most celebrated families and the offspring of other incredibly rich legacies. Daniel MacGregor is sick of not seeing everyone he knows married and living in a mansion with countless kids, so he sets about playing secret matchmaker for his gorgeous and talented descendants. In The MacGregor Grooms' opening novella he trains his demented eyes on grandson Daniel Campbell (DC to his friends. Hi, DC!), sister of Julia and son of Alan MacGregor, former President of the United States. Roberts helpfully adds a Family Tree in the glossary. DC is a devilishly handsome and highly successful artist, who has moved back to Washington because of his name. He lives in a luxurious two-storey apartment overlooking the C & O Canal, where he paints sound tracked by the tough urban poetry of John Mellencamp. Despite having everything his glamorous lifestyle lacks a few items that DC would rather not have, namely a wife, some children and an interior design scheme.

From the moment DC was born Daniel had picked out the perfect partner for him. Now, having allowed legality to catch up with his dastardly games, the time for romance is afoot. The only trouble is DC does not want to settle down, so Daniel will have to play this carefully. He ropes in family friend “Aunt” Myra, the actual Aunt of one Layna Drake, heir to the Drake Department Store fortune. Layna has also recently returned to Washington D.C. to work her way up the corporate ladder and one day take control of the family business. Daniel asks DC to accompany Layna to a business function, purely as a favour to Myra. DC reluctantly agrees, but it soon becomes clear that he and Layna have many things in common; they are both exceedingly beautiful, successful and wealthy, they are both controlled by manipulative ageing family members, they both live locally and both have no interest in relationships, preferring instead to focus on their lucrative careers. All best intentions are torn asunder, however, when they see each other for the first time since they were innocent infants, running free down the hallways of the White House. Layna has developed from a willowly waif with hair like a dandelion to a stunning womanly creature of perfection with blonde hair, and still thin. Meanwhile, DC has retained all of his hair and become taller, thus overcoming the two challenges all men face when under-taking growing up.

Despite the stars aligning for an illicit clinch in a bathroom cubicle DC and Layna are able to control their baser urges and focus on struggling through the evening without any awkward instances of falling to the floor as watery liquid. Instead Layna has a short conversation with DC's parents, who happen to be there, and then they dance, sultrily, their bodies fitting together as if they had been designed to meld into one. Heart rates soaring unrealistically they call it a night without having to admit that they like one another. Foolishly, and perhaps only because Nora's ending demands it so, DC cannot resist some playful home invasion the following day. Finding Layna listening to classical music, wearing a hat and planting flowers in the garden he sketches her face and asks her to an art exhibit at the Smithsonian. There the third chapter ends with merciful succinctness, leaving Bewildered Heart to comprehend what so many millions of readers enjoy in the work of Nora Roberts. Her early fame seems remarkable, as nothing happens in Part One of The MacGregor Grooms to differentiate it from the romance canon, except Roberts seems less willing to baulk her prose out with heavy-handed emotional revelations. There are the standard clichés readers will have resolved to accept as inevitable, including mentions of DC's masculine hands and Layna's realisation that only a thin layer of silk saves her from skin on skin contact. The attraction between hero and heroine is carried out with a formulaic predictability, yet the novel's most obvious accomplishment is the subversive manner with which Roberts brings her leads together.

Mills & Boon Romances are keen to avoid secondary characters and plot contrivances, instead pushing ideas such as fate, soulmates and true love to the forefront of their stories. With the MacGregor series Roberts takes a cynical view, inviting her readers to empathise with the old-fashioned family orientations of Daniel Duncan rather than the actual leads. What do young people know of life and love, he asks, in the introductory passage, supposedly lifted from his memoirs, published, one assumes, when he eventually died of an excess of love in his heart. The youth know not what they want, but Daniel is certain that what they want is the same thing he had at their age, and to believe otherwise would surely call into question his entire existence. Often in these Harlequin tales the deliberations and neuroses of the hero and heroine are delaying tactics until the characters accept they want and can have what everyone wants, eternal happiness with their ideal partner, a department store empire and a national security detail. The umming-and-ahhing is a tedious narrative gimmick Secrets Uncovered had the nerve to call Conflict, but thanks to Daniel MacGregor's delusions of God-like perceptibility the story of DC and Layna giving up their youthful dreams of work and real estate for an incestuous marriage of corporate interests and Nora Roberts franchise-building takes on a knowing, wiser veneer.

Furthermore, to the author's credit, her book assumes a semi-relevant tone involving numerous details of Washington D.C., and throwing out hip references to the youth of the late nineties, such as Chopin, Dali and John Fogerty. Her heroine gardens with a manual at her side, fears death by automobile accident and does not like strangers entering her townhouse without an invitation. Equally, DC is humanised with numerous quirks including his enjoyment of bacon, driving recklessly and entering stranger's townhouses without invitation. While this does nothing to suggest he and Layna should be anything other than spiritual enemies the asides do help create a relatable parallel universe where Alan MacGregor was President, department stores remain in business, painting is a career and twenty-somethings enjoy what sixty-year-old retirees enjoy in the real world. Despite these supposed positives Roberts will have to work her vaunted magic on making the eventual ever-lasting kiss believable. So far the reader has little to buy into besides physical lust and the word of a senile old man hellbent on strengthening corporate bonds through his children. There is a clear lack of romance and credibility three chapters in, unless The MacGregor Grooms, and its forebears, were intended to be darkly satirical treatises on the trappings of money, breeding and heritage, which they really are either way.

“Just stop blaming her for getting that tropical fever and dying”

During the last entry on this very weblog we decided to learn more about the Harlequin Medical™ subgenre, and having found the Mills & Boon website's description predictably unhelpful, we chose as a random example the 2010 effort Neurosurgeon... and Mum!. Throughout her typically prolific career, author Kate Hardy has switched between Medical™ and Modern Heat, allowing herself to indulge in sizzling romances with and without doctors in them. However, the reader can tell no such raunchy antics will take place within the pages of Neurosurgeon.... and Mum! because her hero and heroine are damaged people going through the various stages of grief, there is a child involved and the story takes place in Norfolk, England, where the only sexy things to happen are most likely illegal everywhere else. Sorry, Norfolk.

Amy Rivers has had a tough few years, although the details have yet to be fully revealed because the writer will need something to flesh out those nagging central one hundred pages. Firstly, her distant, academic parents moved to the United States, and secondly she fell in love with a single dad and became surrogate mother to his kid, only for he to reconcile with his ex-wife and take Amy's new family with him. Furthermore, while doing some neurosurgery she made a catalogue of errors on her best friend's husband of a patient, destroying at least two relationships in the process. As a result, and at the behest of her clearly Irish supervisor, Fergus Keating, she has decided to take a sabbatical away from London and go where, only to her beloved Aunt and Uncle's house in Norfolk, where she spent many a happy childhood experience. Naturally for Amy things go awry, as Cassie and Joe are off to Australia to see their real daughter, who is pregnant and therefore more successful than Amy. Despite this minor setback Amy heads north regardless, to stay at the house with a visiting village doctor, who has also taken time away from the big city to deal with tragedy.

For the charming, decent Tom Ashby the last few years have been tough. Now his distant, academic wife has perished from the obvious dangers of being a doctor without any life-saving borders, Tom has taken his infant daughter Perdita (Perdy to her father. Hi, Perdy!) to a small village in Norfolk, for mawkish befuddlement and bonding. While Perdy remains withdrawn and in a constant state of mild terror, Tom enjoys the rural pace of the countryside, and he and Perdy seem to get along with the Rivers' potentially important dog, Buster. While Joe had warned Tom about his new house-guest Doc Tom had not expected to find her so instantly beguiling, even though that is the sort of thing that happens in romance novels. Equally, Amy's attraction is only tempered by the assumption that Perdy is Tom's wife, not his daughter. Once they are introduced, however, she reacts poorly and serves to under-mine the child's already shattered self-confidence. Still, after what happened with her previous relationship she is reluctant to become involved with a single dad, even though this one is at least a widow and therefore without external plot devices.

Neurosurgeon...and Mum! has all the hallmarks of Cherish, the imprint perhaps known better as Tender, Special Moments or Romance. Unlike the straight-forward Modern, or Modern Heat, here Hardy can avoid the foreseeable narrative techniques employed by her colleagues in other subgenres. Tom Ashby is no standard alpha male. He is sensitive, he has a troubled daughter, he wears thick-rimmed glasses, he spends his days tending to the disgusting ailments of the elderly and he may have murdered his previous wife. Meanwhile, Amy Rivers is no catch either. She is under-skilled at her work, has not been eating properly and has a boyish haircut, which only serves to emphasise her fine bone structure. Neither character has any problems marriage could not fix, and their emotional turmoil does not seem to have stemmed from their own failings. It is not Tom's fault his wife died, we can only presume, and Perdy is merely going through a phase all children go through when they are uprooted unexpectedly to Norfolk shortly after their mother passed away. On the other hand, Amy cannot be held accountable for her mistakes during Ben's operation, because neuroscience is complicated and she is only a woman with love to give but no one to give it to. Saying any different would be misogynistic.

While Amy and Tom seem to enjoy brief conversations of vague biographical insights and silent disapproval of leapt-to conclusions their shared, uncomfortable silences and mistreatment of Perdy must come to an end. At first Amy disappears upstairs to busy herself with her great-grandfather's medical casebooks, but eventually she joins Tom and his daughter for a series of dinners and before she can realise she is becoming sentimentally-involved with a temporary surrogate family she has offered to babysit Perdy while Tom conducts his business of being a doctor. After a flippantly undertaken background check father is convinced to allow this apparently psychologically-fragile stranger to take his child to an isolated field to pick strawberries. There the third chapter ends and Hardy has either set her protagonists up for a gratifying romance or a sinister race-against-time thriller, perhaps starring a young Rebecca De Mornay. Canny readers will have already guessed the former, however, based on the novel's title and the fact it has been published by Mills & Boon. Well done to you, canny readers.

For Medical fans surprised at the lack of frenetically-paced action and emotional intensity promised by the Harlequin promotional material, Hardy has at least managed to offer a scene where the kind doctor calmly breaks the news that Max Barton's tiredness, plaster-wearing and ongoing night urination can be explained by type two diabetes, which can be controlled through diet and exercise. Max is relieved that it is nothing more serious and medicine followers will delight in reading a superficial description of the inability to utilise glucose in the modern, middle-aged male. In an earlier chapter Doctor Ashby saw an old lady with an ulcer above her ankle, a sequence to make you cry out for the gripping dilemmas and high-octane excitement of Grey's Anatomy. As a resident of coastal Norfolk, Hardy's choice of East England village may have spoken to her own interests, but so far there is little sign of emergency and a controversial use of a stethoscope. In fact, we have nothing more to look forward to than The Dad Next Door with a series of narratively distracting health scenes.

At this early stage the appeal of Medical™ remains a mystery. When Mills & Boon began this enterprise their stories focused on the entirely out-dated set-up of male doctor and female nurse. Nowadays such a sexist scenario would not be consistently tolerated, even by romance readers, but the chance of a powerful female doctor meeting an enamoured male nurse would seem at odds with the publisher's mantra. Unless Hardy is able to weave in a satisfying medical subplot her novel will be marred by clumsy cutaways of Tom being nice to old people, for the benefit of the reader and the infirm, but not helpful in furthering the central concept concerning Amy, Perdy and a happy ending.

Possibly because of the subgenre's strategic attempt to exist in a politically-correct age both Amy and Tom are doctors, but the heroine's career has stalled to allow a plot to accelerate. As female fantasy goes, Neurosurgeon... and Mom! lacks the fairytale aspect of an arrogant, yet brilliant, doctor hero who is skilled with his hands, but not with his heart. Hardy instead settles for heart-warming simplicity using Tom's profession as a diversion. It is difficult to believe fans merely want their regular romances with some unnecessary pages of technical jargon involving bladder infections. Nevertheless, while Tom worries about his daughter, finds his new house-mate attractive while knowing he cannot enter into a relationship with her and mourns his late wife he still finds the time to fret over Mrs Poole not drinking enough tea. How many billionaire tycoons masquerading as bell-hops at a supposedly haunted Colonial hotel would do that? All of them? Still, this is an entirely different genre from the ones where billionaires masquerade as bell-hops at supposedly haunted Colonial hotels. For those, try The Secret Billionaire's Chambermaid Bride, published under any of the other Harlequin imprints, unless either the billionaire or the chambermaid is also somehow a doctor.