“He ran through air thick as quicksand, each move bogged down by guilt and regret”

The numerous obsessive Bewildered Hearts out there may recall an awkward encounter this weblog suffered through thanks to a Mills & Boon Desire 2-in-1. Here the benevolent publishers offered twice the romance, making The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal and Under the Millionaire's Influence the bread in an unappetising sandwich that had no filling. Never one to give up on a failed metaphor Mills & Boon has continued with this tradition and now Bewildered Heart has a new double novel to contend with, only this time there are two Special Moments for the price of two. Previously remembered as Romance Romance, and now known as Cherish, Special Moments is an imprint that specialises in fanciful fantasies and lightweight comedies, distinctly separated from the gritty realism of Modern, the sweaty sensuality of Spice and the ethnicity of Spanish. With no discernible qualities besides in what they are lacking therefore, Special Moments pushes the absurdity of romance fiction to the forefront, leaving readers in no doubt that Cherish authors live in a delusionally blissful state, writing novels such as Once Upon a Wedding and Accidental Princess.

For the time being we will focus our attention on the former, a 2009 effort by Stacy Connelly. While the title implies gruelling disappointment Once Upon a Wedding also suggests fairytale nuptials, and after the opening three chapters the reader will have had their worst fears confirmed. Life hasn't been kind to Kelsey Wilson. Despite her thriving business, winning personality, stunning good looks and impressive breasts Kelsey has had her fair share of misfortune. First there was something to do with her father the narrative rather glossed over, and then her dear and feisty mother picked one fight, with cancer, that she couldn't win. Presumably orphaned and frightfully working class Kelsey was taken in by her Aunt and Uncle, the billionaire Wilson's of the legendary Wilson Family. Kelsey grew up in the shadow of her beautiful blonde cousins, Emily and Aileen, and as a result of not seeing any sunlight has grown into a literal pale imitation. Now a somewhat struggling wedding planner she has her biggest, and possibly first, event to coordinate, the marriage of Emily Wilson and Todd Dunworthy, of the resplendent Dunworthy clan. With ten days before the ceremony a rather large and attractive spanner is through into the works. The bride and groom only went and invited Emily's ex-boyfriend, Connor McClane, to the wedding and now he has arrived, spanner wedged uncomfortably into his trousers and with every intention of halting the couple's happiness and Kelsey's gainful employment.

Thus Once Upon a Wedding's heroine has a new job to add to that of everything else, she must stop Connor from whatever he is doing, but what is Connor doing? Connor McClane has a good life. He lives somewhere and works as the world's sexiest private detective. Sunglasses look tremendous on his face and even one of his lazy half-smiles is enough to reduce the female population to giddy puddles of excitement. Sure, he's a rebel from the wrong sides of the tracks and yeah, he was never good enough for Emily's uptight parents and big deal, he was responsible for an innocent woman getting murdered a couple of weeks ago and so what, he's an insensitive, paranoid jerk who gave up love for a big cheque, but Connor McClane has changed and now only three of those things are true. A month ago Connor had dinner in San Diego with Todd and Emily, and his tingly Private Detective senses went into overload. Something about Todd's smug wealth and handsome face and penis in Emily rubbed Connor the wrong way. Since then he has been hellbent on proving the groom is unsuitable for Emily and his exhaustive and expensive investigation has brought him absolutely no evidence. Yet Connor does not need evidence when he has a hunch and a history of fatally misjudging people. While readers may jump to the conclusion that he still harbours feelings for Emily, Connor dispels such notions by immediately attempting to seduce Kelsey, even going so far as to stare at her breasts.

While Kelsey was living in lowly one-bedroom apartments with her mother, Emily was the society princess her parents always planned for her to be. However, Emily had very different ideas, ideas borrowed from too many hackneyed Hollywood movies to recount. Aged eighteen she fell for Connor, a bad boy on a motorcycle and their doomed love affair fizzled briefly before Mr. Wilson paid Connor to break up with Emily and leave town. Nothing would have given Connor greater satisfaction than throwing the money back in the old man's face, but unfortunately destiny conspired against such idealistic notions of youth, because even then Connor loved money and needed some for a business opportunity. However long it has been since then has passed, but Emily has not changed, and is still the easily-manipulated arm candy she has always been. For this reason Connor has returned, perhaps to stop a sham marriage, or maybe just needing more money from Mr. Wilson. Our supposedly down-to-earth heroine cannot resist Connor's wild conspiracy theories or impish grin, and as the third chapters ends the adventure to bring down Todd Dunworthy has begun, just as soon as Connor finishes having breakfast in his hotel room with Emily.

Unlike every Mills & Boon novel Once Upon a Wedding contains a superficial impression that money isn't necessarily attractive. Although Kelsey shows the archetypal disinterest in wealth that all romantic heroines pretend to have before they marry a billionaire, Connor arrives in town as the never-do-well troubled youth made good. He has expendable resources for his vendetta against Todd and for a fortnight's stay at a five-star hotel, but these plot contrivances are more likely erroneous missteps by Connelly rather than subtle references to Connor's status as the richest private eye Earth has ever known. Laying the alpha male's financial comfort aside, the novel retains many trademarks of traditional Mills & Boon shelf-filler. Kelsey is an unassuming beauty, disgusted by her womanly curves, porcelain skin, fiery hair and freckles. Fortunately for the book's genre, and her own self-confidence, Connor likes his proverbial cushions sparkling white, plumped up and with red trim. Of lesser importance perhaps, Kelsey prefers a man to be an assured, patient, idealised Adonis with nothing but compliments and commitment on his mind. Soon swept along by Connor's immaculate brilliance, of course, and it hardly seems to matter what she wants.

Little of significance takes place over the course of the initial sixty pages, with the author cramming in as much laboured back-story as possible. When the action does manage to briefly catch up with the present hero and heroine are found wistfully remembering how beautiful the other is, only to worry over how their instant infatuations cannot lead anywhere, because Connor and Emily used to date and Kelsey is supposed to be distracting him, not falling in love. Despite these persuasive reasons they are falling in love, they have no choice, yet what is there to suggest that this couple are meant to be together? Without discernible personalities to give depth to their journeys they only share a disdain for Charlene, Emily's social-climbing, conceited mother. Kelsey is a mess of panic and neuroses, but Stacy Connelly has simply contrived the creation of her hero to specifically love all of her heroine's flaws and anxieties. Thus by failing to flesh out a credible protagonist the surrounding world she relates to becomes stereotypical and emotionally-clichéd. There is no need to fret at this early stage though, as there is much plotting to unfold over the remaining one hundred and fifty pages. Villains will be unmasked, lives shall be saved, secrets will be revealed and at some point Kelsey and Connor will wed.

“Connor's boots halted abruptly, and they stared at each other”

Secrets Uncovered brought Donna Alward to Bewildered Heart's attention, as she wrote of black moments, stories dealing with darkness and tragedy in a genre and market seemingly afraid of any kind of unpleasantness. Unfortunately, we were only able to track down Hired by the Cowboy, Alward's 2007 Harlequin debut, a relatively frothy love story set in the mythical land of Canada. The book contains only a few of the challenging elements Alward had attempted to convince us she is famous for. In her opening Dear Reader introduction she hints at the drama soon to unfold. 'If you ask any mother, she'll say unequivocally that she'd do anything for her child.' While her dear readers ponder why anyone would bother to ask then, the author sets up the usual dilemmas and contrivances romance fans expect and appear to insist upon, inter-mingled with a handful of those legendary Donna Alward twists.

Alexis Grayson, Alex to her friends (Hi, Alex!), has no friends to count on when she faces her latest personal crisis. No matter, for this tough, resolutely independent young beauty needs no help from anyone. She has made it thus far without any assistance and she has been getting along pretty well for herself, thank no one very much. Despite her sterling record, at the beginning of Hired by the Cowboy, she is unexpectedly pregnant, working for tips at a smoky bar and unconscious in a convenience store. Awakening to the ruggedly handsome face of a stranger, Alex is embarrassed and thirsty, but quickly forgets such pressing matters due to the gentlemanly conduct of this sharp-suited and extremely good-looking chap. He reassures her, humours her curt quips and resolute independence and then buys her a mug of peppermint tea. Alex does not need his help to figuratively get back on her feet no matter how kind he seems and she does not need his help to literally get back on her feet no matter how sturdy his arms. She will work something out, she always does. Remember when she was jobless and alone she still managed to become impregnated with a baby. She is a survivor, in summary.

Connor Madsen does not like wearing suits, would prefer to not be taking meetings in the city and has little understanding of herbal remedies, but one look at this troubled, yet determined, young woman and he is smitten. Connor has problems of his own. Due to a beef scare of some description he faces the loss of the ranch that has been in his family for generations. With no cash reserves to see him through such a bleak financial forecast he requires the money left to him by his parents in a trust fund. However, he can only access this small fortune when he turns thirty, and his feisty grandmother cannot change the rules. If only there was a statute within the contract that allowed him to acquire the money sooner, say if he was on the verge of losing the ranch? No, but what's that? There is a disclaimer that states if Connor were to get married the money would be released. If only there was a woman in as equally dire circumstances as Connor, who might agree to a marriage of convenience in exchange for a place to live and some help through her, for example, pregnancy and destitution. If only Connor had met such a damsel-in-distress mere pages earlier, who was not only beautiful, but had the good sense to reveal her life story and mention how she could be found at a moments notice.

Connor visits the smoky bar and finds Alex too busy working to hear about a life-changing ultimatum, so instead he waits outside all night with a bunch of flowers, because Connor is nothing if not chivalrous and old-fashioned. Walking her home, he explains the situation and proposes a shotgun wedding, to which Alex responds appropriately. Sensing she may be a tougher nut to crack than she first appeared Connor gives her the opportunity to think it over and suggests a trial period of living together at his isolated farm to see how she likes it, because Connor is nothing if not chivalrous and old-fashioned. When the next day comes Alex tentatively accepts the offer, because there is nothing a mother would not do for her child, and also because Connor opens doors for her, worries about her well-being and has thick-eyelashes, the masculine triad of goodness. Soon after they begin the drive to Canadian cattle country and a hearty spot of lunch from Connor's plentifully-stocked refrigerator. They make sandwiches amidst heavy erotic tension and light social awkwardness. Before long, the man must go out to tend to the livestock, so the woman makes herself at home and begins to think what she will make for dinner and how else she can please the man who will pay her to marry him.

Plot points are signalled when Alex finds a photograph, strewn haphazardly for all the world to see on the dresser of Connor's bedroom behind a closed door, and there ends the third chapter. For the publishers at Mills & Boon, Donna Alward's novel offers great potential, while never straying far from convention. The plot itself is a loose reworking of Solicititilation, but within the cuddly confines of Romance Romance the manipulative, misogynistic billionaire becomes a struggling, noble cow-hand and the recently unemployed, yet ambitious, female yuppie becomes seriously down-on-her-luck and pregnant. These superficial alterations are all that separate Hired by the Cowboy from the likes of Taken by the Sheikh or The Billionaire's Housekeeper Mistress. For Alexis the chance to play house, to cook and clean, look after a man and think only of her offspring is a welcome relief, having for years had to live within the gritty urbanity of Ontario. Thus her desire for feminine domesticity has been suspiciously embedded in character to avoid the understandable accusations of sexism. Alexis is an atypical heroine, but not necessarily a convincing one. Her pregnancy might be her defining feature, but it is utilised solely to make her acceptance of Connor's offer believable, much like Stacy's unemployment and tragic past allowed the reader to not judge her harshly for agreeing to The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal. As expected, due to the demands of the subgenres, Alex's situation allows for heightened drama while Stacy's befitted all those oily rubdowns and endless sex scenes.

Even at this early stage the reader will have no difficulty predicting the narrative turns toward this fixed marriage becoming a very real one. The blurb hints at airborne love, but there is no implication of conflict or tension. Has Alex made her biggest ever mistake by marrying the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with? the blurb asks, over-enthusiastically. It appears as if Alward can easily resolve her story without resorting to her favoured tactics of miscarriage, domestic violence or limb-losing. At this point, however, there is the nagging issue of Alex's baby and the matter of said child's conception. As with every Cherish title that involves a single parent, including The Dad Next Door, we are left to ponder where the father is, how he will further complicate the scenario and where has he been all this time? Will Connor seek him out, duty-bound and noble as ever, and will Alward develop a powerful, poignant human love triangle to make those last two hundred pages fly by? With an author seemingly so willing to embrace her every homicidal fantasy we cannot rule out genuine heartbreak, resulting in a happy ending all the more satisfying and fulfilling, but given Harlequin Mills & Boon's history, perhaps the reader should look forward to everything ending neatly without the author giving any thought to properly dealing with the issues raised by the narrative, something we should assume Alward is equally well-known for.

"He may be caviar, but I'm meat and potatoes"

The last time we heard from Lane Lincoln, his ex-wife, Cynthia James, and their precocious, obstinate daughter, Beth, they were planning a family Christmas together. Years of divorced parents had kept Beth from experiencing Christmas as the Pagans intended, celebrated together with every loved-one under a single roof in a room filled with clouds, wearing your finest smoking jacket and sipping non-alcoholic eggnog while a pheasant burns to death in the fireplace. Beth has never known a perfect Christmas and so her Dad has flown in from Hollywood to Oregon to visit his former in-laws and has, in turn, managed to fall back in love with the only woman he has ever loved and never stopped loving. Furthermore, Cynthia feels as if she and Lane have finally matured and grown reasonable enough to the point where reconciliation would make the greatest present of all. All that is left is a series of sickeningly twee portraits of domestic bliss and showcases of flaunting disposable income. This book is so nineteen-nineties.

Now you might have recognised, somewhat perceptively, that the only reason for the original divorce was the lack of an honest conversation. After all, if that were the case then Romantics Anonymous' central plot could surely be solved within three pages, a structural flaw we normally associate with modern Mills & Boon. Lauryn Chandler's book was written in 1993, a much simpler time. There are no ruthless billionaires demanding demure virgins relent to the most wicked of desires. No, Lane Lincoln is a devilishly attractive Hollywood big-shot who cares about his daughter and ex-wife above all else and wants nothing more than to remarry and live in Oregon with them. Cynthia, meanwhile, has problems that amount to her almost making for a compelling protagonist. Firstly, while her top priority remains herself, she also has a daughter to occasionally remember having had. Moreover, there's her boyfriend, Alan, the blissful wedded life of her sister, Gwen, the happy second marriage of her mother, Mother, and about a hundred other characters too meaningless and poorly-written to mention.

While much of this is immaterial, Cynthia's nagging emotional problems, stemming from a childhood rich in neuroses, seem to have hamstrung her to an adulthood of regret and bitter loneliness, despite all the characters who constantly bother her. When she was a mere kid she witnessed the final fight between her mother and father, Henry, who stormed out and was never heard from again. Naturally, she loved her father, but has never forgiven him for abandoning her. She grew into a young woman still tender from the hurt and unable to fully trust. This lack of belief in eternal love was only exacerbated by Lane running off to Hollywood without so much as a, 'I'm running off to Hollywood now, but once I establish myself as a famous screenwriter you can come and live with me in California because that is my plan and my leaving should not be misconstrued as an urge to live apart from my family, seek divorce and further damage you emotionally.'

Without such a note, or suitably-worded greeting card, Cynthia files for divorce and Lane, wrongly assuming his wife acts under her own free will and wants a divorce, signs the papers and officially ends the relationship. Romantics Anonymous picks up ten years later and then spends the majority of its storyline clumsily shoe-horning in this necessary exposition. Fortunately the time needed for flashbacks and interior monologues is found because nothing of importance takes place in the present. Lane and Cynthia soon find the groove within which they first fell in love and without any of the potentially interesting conflicts that might have made the story worthwhile. Furthermore, they have family, friends, colleagues and a daughter all pushing them along, making the rejoining of their union all the more inevitable, boring and anti-climatic.

Is there nothing to stand in their way? A farcical misunderstanding shortly after love-making? No? No love-making at all? Tsk! How about Alan, the potential husband-to-be, jilted and made a mockery of by Lane's unashamed flirting? No? He'll casually step aside like the spineless gentleman he appears to be? Tsk! How about the re-emergence of Henry, estranged Dad, back to put the proverbial cat among the proverbial pigeons with the cat representing dredged up memories and the pigeons perhaps representing a life in denial of those memories? No? He'll saunter back, easily make peace with everyone and be forgiven all for an even more sentimentally-saccharine finale? Tsk! What about Romantics Anonymous itself, the very institution Cynthia created to warn herself and others like her away from destructive romances built on idealistic notions of perfection? No? Apparently her entire philosophy is shattered with the return of her soul-mate, both under the illusion their future is suddenly solid, even though it is built upon the promises that neither could live up to the first time around? Not only that but Lane will make his grand gesture to win her heart at a Romantics Anonymous meeting, much like someone celebrating sobriety by bringing a case of champagne to A.A.? Tsk! indeed.

When the reader angrily throws the finished book at their cat they may wish to compare Romantics Anonymous to their own vague understanding of how story-telling should work. This, of course, is an mistake, because the novel, by Lauryn Chandler, should be only judged on its contextual merits. Within the perimeters of Mills & Boon Romance Romance, or Cherish as we have come to call it, the tale of Lane and Cynthia reuniting and all the other causes of their brief bouts of unhappiness inbetween the long periods of professional success, is a perfectly satisfactory entry to the genre. It is awkwardly contrived at times, the characters are simpering morons who never offer any reason for us, the reader, to warm to them and the displays of family affection are inane and unlikely enough to induce rage. For example, when Cynthia gets the sniffles, Beth and Lane throw an "I-Have-a-Cold-But-Would-Rather-Be-Out-Making-Snowmen-So-Somebody-Cheer-Me-Up Party" where they wrap toiletries in wrapping paper, eat graham crackers with frosting on and curl up on the bed to watch Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas in Connecticut and Swamp Thing. How utterly loathsome, the reader thinks, curled up in bed, crumbs everywhere.

After numerous episodes such as this we have tired of the whole rotten bunch of them and insist Cynthia hurry up and forgive her father and Lane for not finding her as adorable as she finds herself. Beth has a birthday and gets two puppies from her father. There is cake, showtunes, Mexican food, make-up, ice cream, root beer and the excess typical of the family, but once the fun is over Lane has jetted off to California, Beth is wherever she goes at night, and Cynthia is alone again with her happy memories and the bitterness they bring. Will Lane ever return, she asks herself. What did he mean when he said he would be back in a few days and once he got back they would get married? Why are men so obdurate and vague in their promises? Are there really three more chapters to go? Jeez. Sure enough though, Lane reappears just in time to stop Cynthia mentally combusting and drowning the state of Oregon in her madness. From that point on there are only the things that always happen in Harlequin stories left to read of, with a smattering of public indecency thrown in. Can Cynthia finally stop being so weird? What will happen to her novel, her philosophy and all those damaged people she seemed intent on helping? Hah! Who cares about that, right? She's married now. Maybe she'll have another kid. That's all women want anyway. The life lived and the commitments made before marriage are forgotten.

Even though Lauryn Chandler and the characters from her book show little respect for the idea of a support group for compulsive romantics that doesn't mean Bewildered Heart can't spend a little time examining the concept itself. Now, many addictive vices can be harmful, such as narcotics, chocolate, sex, exercise, but should we not throw love into the mix as well? After all, those who chase romance regardless of the solidity of the relationship on which it rests are doomed to a series of short flings, discarded once the passion and mystery have dissipated. They chase fleeting moments of exhilaration in a life of dull minutiae. There is more to love than romance, Cynthia might once have argued, and while magic is like caviar, sometimes one needs whatever meat and potatoes represents to keep them regular. However, in the case of this book a compulsive romantic is not someone compulsively seeking romance, but rather someone constantly wishing to create it, and such an endeavour should not be queried and it should not be stopped, unless fatigue sets in. What's wrong with romance? We spend our lives awaiting the warmth and preeminence it offers, but accept the best things in life are transient and the honeymoon stage of a relationship is naturally short-lived.

Therefore Mills & Boon, Hollywood, and at least one of your friends, is happy to trade on this tragic rationalisation for their advantage. We read book after book, and watch film after film, that deal with the first flush of love, reliving the glory, concentrating on the brightest spot and relegating the life either side into darkness. This is foolish thinking that causes despondency and only allows cynical writers to profit from our indulgence. When Bewildered Heart finds a Harlequin novel entitled Romantics Anonymous and opens the cover to discover it is the story of a support group for those addicted to romance we hope a few insights will be forthcoming. Such as, what is romance, why is it bad for you and why would someone need to wean themselves from it? What’s the treatment and what’s the alternative? Then we learn Cynthia is cured from her addiction to romance with more romance, much like an alcoholic finding a job that intoxication makes easier. But isn’t that like He’s Just Not That Into You, where the female characters realise the Dating Manuel that doubled as their screenplay is a bunch of made-up nonsense that only sometimes applies to life and should probably be ignored, thus rendering the validity of the rhetoric erroneous and the entire film worthless?

“Through a twist of fate they found a family – and each other!”

In our lengthy and occasionally irritating search for the perfect subgenre to write our love stories for we thought we had found an ideal match in the warm homeliness of Romance Romance, which also sometimes goes by the moniker Special Moments, or Tender Romance. What made Romance Romance different from all the other subgenres? Children, that's what. As we've established, the plots and characters are consistent across every Mills & Boon variety, but in Special Moments one of the leads usually has a child, suggesting the novel has greater emotional depth. Yes, we swooned, this is the category for us, this is the category that will accept us for what we really want to write. An open, sensitive and sweet-natured subgenre that will never hurt us, or lie to us, despite the nagging mystery of having so many changes of name.

'Everyone needs a daily pick me up from the pressures of life – job, family, relationships – women these days juggle so many things!' You don't need to tell us about it, promotional material. You just need to tell us what the daily pick-me-up is, because we find alcohol and denial just isn't working like it used to. 'Imagine a little luxury: some time out, just for you, a break from the pressures of everyday life. We offer this and more in our home and family category, which since September is published as Cherish.' The break on offer from the pressures of family and relationships is a book about family and relationships? What happened to a good old-fashioned box of metaphorical chocolates?

'Think of Cherish as a variety box of chocolates – each one is very different, but all contain satisfying author voices, a happy ending, a rush of feel-good emotion to give you a lift and leave you on a high!' Now you're talking. There's no filling quite like author voices, and no hard shell like the dilemmas of pregnancy from a one night stand with a Mediterranean Prince. But what if you don't look at the contents card and pick at random and wind up with a Hazelnut thing when you're allergic to hazelnuts and your cheeks swell up, or whatever the romance reading equivalent of that nightmare is?

'Are you a classic girl who loves a vanilla fudge smothered in milk chocolate? If you are…then there are stories in this series that deliver the same fix – 100% romance, like curling up with a favourite film, these heart warming stories will leave you on a romantic high!' You don't have to be a woman, or a chocolatier, to question to validity of that promise, but what happens to those who are not classic girls, or easily duped with expensive gifts? Perhaps you are a modern type with an apartment in the city and a job in the financial industry who lives a jet-set lifestyle and has no time for whatever vanilla fudge is supposed to represent.

'Are you a cosmo woman who likes a naughty liquor kick to their seriously dark chocolate? These vibrant, funny, entertaining and unexpected stories may make you laugh out loud or challenge your expectations.' Alcohol certainly tends to challenge expectations and serious dark chocolate is always hilarious, so this sounds like Bewildered Heart's kind of option, but it still feels as if Mills & Boon is safely covering every base without actually offering any clear indication of what one might expect from the Cherish shelf. So far heart-warming, classic, funny, modern and naughty have all been catered for. What's next? Is there a chocolate in that box that is guaranteed to make you cry?

'Are you a crier who loves a smooth caramel centre? If you’re a real softie, and love a heart wrenching romance that makes you go gooey inside, especially when a happy ending is guaranteed, we have the perfect story for you too!' Oh, Mills & Boon, you know us so well. Of course we'll end up eating the entire box and hating ourselves. There is no point maintaining this charade any longer. Just bring on the candy/literature. What was this sales pitch even supposed to be advertising? It hardly seems important now. The point is, don't promise chocolates unless you actually have chocolates.

As always with this publishing company their introductions amount to meaningless drivel, full of charming empty gestures, offering a life of happiness and affection filled with the kinds of emotions we dream of experiencing even though we know at the first sign of commitment Cherish will turn into Blaze! and call us names and expect us to read their books without needing to be seduced or made to feel special. We thought what we had was real, orange-covered subgenre. We were going to read Cherish forever. But you changed from the poorly-insinuated descriptions of the thing we presumed you were based on a handful of nebulous sentences of puff copy-writing we saw on a website. Now you're no better than those dishevelled Spice collections we glimpse in doorways downtown, their dust jackets barely concealing their contents.

We didn't mean for you to see that. Nevertheless, the enigma remains. As this is the case, and this is always the case, we are best served checking out the titles and synopses to understand what we can expect when we follow The Dad Next Door with the next adventure. Should we brace ourselves for more single parenting, domesticity and coy conversations in front of adorable children? Recent titles include: A Miracle for His Secret Son, Proud Rancher, Precious Bundle, Accidentally Pregnant!, Star-Crossed Sweethearts, Secret Prince, Instant Daddy, Cowgirl Makes Three, Expecting Royal Twins!, To Dance with a Prince, Nanny Next Door, The Baby Swap Miracle, The Doctor's Pregnant Bride?, The Texas Billionaire's Baby, and Wrong Groom, Right Bride.

If these books were chocolates eating more than one would be nauseating. But which should we begin with, they all sound so varied and unpalatable? How about we take a tentative taste of At Home in Stone Creek by Linda Lael Miller, but make sure not to swallow anything? 'Everyone in Ashley O’Ballivan’s life is marrying and starting families – except her. But what date can compare to Jack McCall, the man who broke her heart years ago? And now he’s mysteriously back. But he isn’t who she thinks he is. After a dangerous mission, security expert Jack McCall rents a room in Ashley’s bed-and-breakfast. For her sake, he must keep his distance. But his feelings for her are so powerful that only his heart remains off-limits. To protect her – from his enemies and himself – he has to leave, vowing to fight his way home to her and Stone Creek forever.'

First of all, that sounds like it could be published under Intrigue or Modern. Second of all, how can Jack leave and fight his way home at the same time? Sadly, we will never know because we won't be reading At Home in Stone Creek. Let's try a different one. A Baby for Mommy by Cathy Gillen Thacker? The title doesn't inspire confidence, but it has got our saliva on now, so... 'With a busy career and three kids to feed, single father Dan Kingsland needs help! Hiring a professional chef is such a perfect solution, Dan doesn’t notice the baby bump under Emily Stayton’s coat. Emily is finally getting what she wants – a baby – and going where she wants: home to the peach orchard her family used to own. But when Dan shares the joy of her baby’s first kick, he realises he’s falling for his very temporary employee. Can his love be the home that Emily’s been looking for?'

Yes? This sounds more like Cherish though. After all, there are three kids and the heroine is pregnant, making for a rare fat romantic lead. However, if Dan was say, a single, childless billionaire, and Emily was a single, non-pregnant, unemployed beauty then you'd have The Billionaire's Housekeeper Mistress with a few minor changes and the removal of implied blackmailed rape, which is probably for the best. The glaring obstacles for the couple in A Baby for Mommy are the same obstacles placed in front of Gavin and Alison in The Dad Next Door. Who got Emily pregnant and where did Dan hide his wife's body? Just kidding, of course. Dan sounds lovely. So our conclusion brings us back to our introduction, that what marks Cherish as unique is the involvement of offspring and the heightened tension their child's welfare brings to the romantic decisions of the single parent lead. When the conclusion resolves the issues brought up in the introduction you know you've written a good article. That's the first lesson you learn at article-writing school.