“The words were the biggest lie he'd told in the past five minutes”

When we left Once Upon a Wedding at the end of its third chapter the plot had become fully formed, with little for Stacy Connelly left to write except the remaining forty thousand words. Kelsey Wilson had begun her career as a wedding planner and independent businesswoman. Her first client was her socialite cousin, Emily, whose ceremony to Todd Dunworthy would have to run smoothly if Kelsey would ever become a success and win the approval of her aunt, uncle and the deceased mother she hardly knew. There was only one problem, and that arrived in the masculine shape of Connor McClane, Emily's bad boy ex-boyfriend, who seemed intent on breaking up the wedding and being handsome. Aunt Charlene sensed trouble and sent Kelsey to dispel Connor back to under the rock he crawled out from. Naturally, plans went awry as Kelsey has always been a sucker for gorgeous men wearing sunglasses and comfortable jeans. Equally, Connor became smitten with Kelsey, because Connelly needed him to be, and all of a sudden the game was afoot, with mysterious pasts, hidden neuroses and life-changing secrets ready to shatter the happiness no one particularly felt.

Kelsey cannot fall in love with Connor, even though she already has, not when he continues to romantically pursue Emily, even though he isn't. Meanwhile, Connor cannot fall in love with Kelsey, even though he already has, not when she is the one coordinating Emily's wedding, even though that hardly seems important. What Connor should be concentrating on is proving Todd is unsuitable for Emily, just as Connor himself was all those years ago. Wanting to keep him within her sights, for any number of reasons, Kelsey tags along on several stake-outs, which all lead nowhere. Fortunately for the plot, Connor has sent his colleague to Florida to find out what happened to a former Dunworthy maid, and with actual plot developments taking place elsewhere, Connor and Kelsey can concentrate on staring at one another swooning. In terms of inner conflict there are a couple of contrivances for the hero and heroine to overcome, but with both problems simply solved by an honest conversation there is plenty of time for hot dinners, the wearing of hot clothes, the arranging of flowers, sex, decorating offices and sitting in cars looking at buildings while sweating.

Kelsey must accept her place alongside her two cousins, as part of the family and no longer as the ugly duckling who doesn't belong. However, this listless form of self-loathing is easily defeated once a desirable man shows an interest, empowering her to become the woman that man allows her to be. Furthermore, Kelsey must stop vilifying her Uncle for the callous way with which he treated his sister, Kelsey's mother. This inconsequential issue is resolved with one statement and a brief explanation of the statement, at which point life seems grand for the Wilson Family. Connor, meanwhile, has his own sad story to tell, and tell it he probably should. After all, in all likelihood Kelsey will never forgive him for his past sins, and their relationship will be over before it has even begun. Ingenuous as always, Connor has the sense to wait until after sex and someone else revealing the truth before he comes clean. Of course, Kelsey realises his accepting of a bribe was the honourable and selfless thing to do, because it isn't stealing if the money is for a good cause, and what's a better cause than investment?

With inner conflicts externalised as love-making and happiness just a denouement away, there remains enough time to ruin a perfectly good wedding. As Connor's fellow private detective has learned from tactically seducing a vulnerable immigrant Todd had been impregnating the help as his romance with Emily developed. There is no greater misdeed among the wealthy than fathering a child with a foreign maid, and as a result the Dunworthy clan have shunned their disgraced offspring, leaving him no choice but to marry into money to win their affection back. While Todd denies this possibly spurious accusation from a complete stranger with an axe to grind, the Wilson's accept Connor's verbal evidence, powerless to stop the hurried plot from reaching its necessary conclusion. All that is left is for two people to take the places of bride and groom in Kelsey's fairytale, picturebook wedding, and who better than Kelsey herself, alongside every woman's ideal man, Connor. Emily, meanwhile, will probably survive and maybe feature in her own spin-off, meeting Connor's best friend, Javier, at what was supposed to be her ceremony and almost immediately having The Wedding She Always Wanted, although due to the financial background and ethnic nature of her husband probably not the wedding her parents had always dreamed of.

It is difficult to predict the reactions of Connelly's characters, however, due to their malleable personalities when faced with the full force of the storyline. Surprising twists appear more incongruous reversals of opinion than unpredictable narrative turns, and the major issue at the heart of the concept, the scandalous affair between Connor and Emily and the resulting bribery, isn't so much dealt with as much as it is reduced to frivolity through a warped sense of justice. Kelsey shrugs off what appears to be betrayal as noble indiscretion and Connor strides past his mistakes with a forceful, manly gait. As Once Upon a Wedding begins Connor's unwavering instincts are in question due to his previous case almost ending in tragedy, yet this is later revealed to be a courageous act of physic prowess.

Perhaps because of the constraints of Harlequin Mills & Boon Connelly consistently fails to engage the reader with anything approaching depth. She instead relies on a drip-feed of references that turn out to be a series of purposeful deceits. Connor's flaws are exposed as virtues just as Kelsey's stunning beauty, fierce independence and worldly intelligence are reappraised as positive traits. Still, even this basic failure could have been redeemed by the distraction of Connor's investigation, but the detective element lacks credibility and revelations, suggesting tthis was nothing more than a tedious excuse to keep the characters entwined, allowing emotional honesty and personal arcs to linger, stagnant and unresolved. The novel concludes not with the hero and heroine changing, but the universe around them altering to acknowledge their superiority. Thus the complete absence of worthwhile obstacles makes for a lifeless story and a unsatisfactory ending, despite the marriage and eternal bliss, and if Mills & Boon believe their followers will be satisfied with marriage and eternal bliss they have seriously under-estimated their readership.

“He ran through air thick as quicksand, each move bogged down by guilt and regret”

The numerous obsessive Bewildered Hearts out there may recall an awkward encounter this weblog suffered through thanks to a Mills & Boon Desire 2-in-1. Here the benevolent publishers offered twice the romance, making The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal and Under the Millionaire's Influence the bread in an unappetising sandwich that had no filling. Never one to give up on a failed metaphor Mills & Boon has continued with this tradition and now Bewildered Heart has a new double novel to contend with, only this time there are two Special Moments for the price of two. Previously remembered as Romance Romance, and now known as Cherish, Special Moments is an imprint that specialises in fanciful fantasies and lightweight comedies, distinctly separated from the gritty realism of Modern, the sweaty sensuality of Spice and the ethnicity of Spanish. With no discernible qualities besides in what they are lacking therefore, Special Moments pushes the absurdity of romance fiction to the forefront, leaving readers in no doubt that Cherish authors live in a delusionally blissful state, writing novels such as Once Upon a Wedding and Accidental Princess.

For the time being we will focus our attention on the former, a 2009 effort by Stacy Connelly. While the title implies gruelling disappointment Once Upon a Wedding also suggests fairytale nuptials, and after the opening three chapters the reader will have had their worst fears confirmed. Life hasn't been kind to Kelsey Wilson. Despite her thriving business, winning personality, stunning good looks and impressive breasts Kelsey has had her fair share of misfortune. First there was something to do with her father the narrative rather glossed over, and then her dear and feisty mother picked one fight, with cancer, that she couldn't win. Presumably orphaned and frightfully working class Kelsey was taken in by her Aunt and Uncle, the billionaire Wilson's of the legendary Wilson Family. Kelsey grew up in the shadow of her beautiful blonde cousins, Emily and Aileen, and as a result of not seeing any sunlight has grown into a literal pale imitation. Now a somewhat struggling wedding planner she has her biggest, and possibly first, event to coordinate, the marriage of Emily Wilson and Todd Dunworthy, of the resplendent Dunworthy clan. With ten days before the ceremony a rather large and attractive spanner is through into the works. The bride and groom only went and invited Emily's ex-boyfriend, Connor McClane, to the wedding and now he has arrived, spanner wedged uncomfortably into his trousers and with every intention of halting the couple's happiness and Kelsey's gainful employment.

Thus Once Upon a Wedding's heroine has a new job to add to that of everything else, she must stop Connor from whatever he is doing, but what is Connor doing? Connor McClane has a good life. He lives somewhere and works as the world's sexiest private detective. Sunglasses look tremendous on his face and even one of his lazy half-smiles is enough to reduce the female population to giddy puddles of excitement. Sure, he's a rebel from the wrong sides of the tracks and yeah, he was never good enough for Emily's uptight parents and big deal, he was responsible for an innocent woman getting murdered a couple of weeks ago and so what, he's an insensitive, paranoid jerk who gave up love for a big cheque, but Connor McClane has changed and now only three of those things are true. A month ago Connor had dinner in San Diego with Todd and Emily, and his tingly Private Detective senses went into overload. Something about Todd's smug wealth and handsome face and penis in Emily rubbed Connor the wrong way. Since then he has been hellbent on proving the groom is unsuitable for Emily and his exhaustive and expensive investigation has brought him absolutely no evidence. Yet Connor does not need evidence when he has a hunch and a history of fatally misjudging people. While readers may jump to the conclusion that he still harbours feelings for Emily, Connor dispels such notions by immediately attempting to seduce Kelsey, even going so far as to stare at her breasts.

While Kelsey was living in lowly one-bedroom apartments with her mother, Emily was the society princess her parents always planned for her to be. However, Emily had very different ideas, ideas borrowed from too many hackneyed Hollywood movies to recount. Aged eighteen she fell for Connor, a bad boy on a motorcycle and their doomed love affair fizzled briefly before Mr. Wilson paid Connor to break up with Emily and leave town. Nothing would have given Connor greater satisfaction than throwing the money back in the old man's face, but unfortunately destiny conspired against such idealistic notions of youth, because even then Connor loved money and needed some for a business opportunity. However long it has been since then has passed, but Emily has not changed, and is still the easily-manipulated arm candy she has always been. For this reason Connor has returned, perhaps to stop a sham marriage, or maybe just needing more money from Mr. Wilson. Our supposedly down-to-earth heroine cannot resist Connor's wild conspiracy theories or impish grin, and as the third chapters ends the adventure to bring down Todd Dunworthy has begun, just as soon as Connor finishes having breakfast in his hotel room with Emily.

Unlike every Mills & Boon novel Once Upon a Wedding contains a superficial impression that money isn't necessarily attractive. Although Kelsey shows the archetypal disinterest in wealth that all romantic heroines pretend to have before they marry a billionaire, Connor arrives in town as the never-do-well troubled youth made good. He has expendable resources for his vendetta against Todd and for a fortnight's stay at a five-star hotel, but these plot contrivances are more likely erroneous missteps by Connelly rather than subtle references to Connor's status as the richest private eye Earth has ever known. Laying the alpha male's financial comfort aside, the novel retains many trademarks of traditional Mills & Boon shelf-filler. Kelsey is an unassuming beauty, disgusted by her womanly curves, porcelain skin, fiery hair and freckles. Fortunately for the book's genre, and her own self-confidence, Connor likes his proverbial cushions sparkling white, plumped up and with red trim. Of lesser importance perhaps, Kelsey prefers a man to be an assured, patient, idealised Adonis with nothing but compliments and commitment on his mind. Soon swept along by Connor's immaculate brilliance, of course, and it hardly seems to matter what she wants.

Little of significance takes place over the course of the initial sixty pages, with the author cramming in as much laboured back-story as possible. When the action does manage to briefly catch up with the present hero and heroine are found wistfully remembering how beautiful the other is, only to worry over how their instant infatuations cannot lead anywhere, because Connor and Emily used to date and Kelsey is supposed to be distracting him, not falling in love. Despite these persuasive reasons they are falling in love, they have no choice, yet what is there to suggest that this couple are meant to be together? Without discernible personalities to give depth to their journeys they only share a disdain for Charlene, Emily's social-climbing, conceited mother. Kelsey is a mess of panic and neuroses, but Stacy Connelly has simply contrived the creation of her hero to specifically love all of her heroine's flaws and anxieties. Thus by failing to flesh out a credible protagonist the surrounding world she relates to becomes stereotypical and emotionally-clichéd. There is no need to fret at this early stage though, as there is much plotting to unfold over the remaining one hundred and fifty pages. Villains will be unmasked, lives shall be saved, secrets will be revealed and at some point Kelsey and Connor will wed.