“Laughing with him was way too easy... and that scared her more than any terrorist ever would”

Every so often when touring the seedy alleys of a local library Bewildered Heart discovers a book that we know we shouldn't read, but cannot seem to draw away from, the musty, weathered pages only adding to the illicit thrill. Despite Mills & Boon's predilection for archetypal characters in archetypal situations an oddity will escape the publishing daddies that aspires to shatter any allusions an experienced reader may have grown to expect. And thus, placed innocently in amongst a row of Harlequin Blaze titles there was The Domino Effect, by Julie Elizabeth Leto. Domino Black is a spy as only politically clueless, paranoid people can imagine them for popular entertainment. She wears tight-fitting outfits, has cool gadgets and kills terrorists and third-world dictators for a shadowy organisation named The Shadow, a top-secret government agency that officially doesn't exist. Oh, book. Your readers have already abandoned any hope of you being pleasurable and disease-free, but what the hell, we are feeling frisky. Go on...

Her tough-talking handler sends Domino undercover into the suave and sophisticated Club Cicero, owned by the sexy and mysterious Luke Brasco, a man the government believes is about to sell classified documents to terrorists, revealing the names and locations of spies around the world. She must murder the sonofabitch for the sake of democracy. But wait! For this is the United States and they have a sworn policy to only kill morally-heinous evil-doers. They can't just go around shooting people who might have anti-American agendas. And so it is up to Domino to infiltrate the nightclub and investigate Luke, and by investigate we mean find the truth, and find the truth by whatever means necessary, and by whatever means necessary we mean have sex with him.

Will this enigmatic and emotionally-cold woman slowly warm to a man she may have to kill, before their growing bond forces her to reject her life's work and renege on the operation, only for it to turn out the guy is not the traitor, but someone close to him who she will have to kill, thus revealing her true self and destroying the love between the man and she, until an extremely unlikely plot contrivance brings them back together where they forget everything that had happened up until that point, leaving the poor and foolish reader with those memories and hoping for a plot contrivance so they too can forget about everything as well? Although a predictable ending is part of a romance novel's appeal, for anyone who yearns for change a thrilling plot running parallel to the romance sounds as if it could be an intriguing ploy. We know Luke is innocent and he and Domino will end up together, and yet we remain in the dark about who the real villain is. Might it be one of the other characters in the story? we wonder aloud to concerned onlookers on the bus. After all, besides Luke there are only three possible suspects and two of those are quickly ruled out. Looks as if we shall be reading until the end this time to find out what we already knew before we had begun.

Not only does The Domino Effect have a mystery complicating the emotional journey of the characters, it also offers an entirely redundant and inane secondary romance. For the first time in our Mills & Boon reading there were other characters engaging in adulterous acts, their sordid actions having no bearing on the main story. Club waitress and sexy bombshell Sienna Monroe wants Mikey something Italian, the muscular club security chief. The only thing standing in her way? Mikey is married and his wife is pregnant with twins! Well, that certainly is a stumbling block. Furthermore, Mikey loves his wife and doesn't want Sienna. Soon enough, of course, Mikey has had too much to drink and Sienna has put his penis in her mouth and there's really only one result from that situation. By the time our story has wound to an end Sienna is missing, Mikey is begging his wife for forgiveness and the twin babies are facing a sad future which will one day end in their own broken marriages and a lonesome vodka Christmas. Why did Leto deem it necessary to add these brief interludes? Was it because she guessed the traitor plot was too engaging and she wanted to infuriate her readers with lengthy and pointless asides? Is there a message buried in there, suggesting no matter how happily married a man is he will still cheat and voluptuous twenty-year-old coquettes always get what they want while the rest of us wonder why they wanted it in the first place? No one on the bus knew either.

Further removing The Domino Effect from your typical Harlequin fodder is the lead character. When she reveals her name is Domino, Luke replies, 'Like the game?' She says yes, but the reader should assume they were confusedly referring to Dominoes. Miss Black has committed hundreds of murders without showing signs of remorse or thought. She is unwaveringly loyal to imperialistic greed and she finds herself sexually attractive. “She'd always loved the way she looked,” the narrator tells us, as Domino grows more empathetic by the word. In her introductory notes, Leto tells her excited readers that she is, 'exploring the good girl/bad girl dichotomy in (her) heroines,' and, 'Domino is perhaps (her) edgiest heroine to date.'

Fair enough, but let us examine her comments. Domino has no virtuous qualities. She is edgy, perhaps, if you are willing to misuse the word, and she does test the reader's own moral code. Usually the insipid, anaemic beauties of romance fiction deserve their loving lot because everyone deserves a shot at happiness and some folk are easier to please than others. Domino, however, is a step too far. Now, no one worth speaking to considers Mr. & Mrs. Smith a good film, but the one lesson the viewer can learn from that error in judgement, besides never share your film's title with a Hitchcock movie, is that assassin is an unsuitable profession for a romantic lead. Domino proves the point. Even if we take the novel's hilarious political rhetoric at face value there is still the fact she displays no emotional connection to anyone throughout the book. She alienates every female character because of her beauty and curt manner and she alienates the reader for more than those two reasons. While she and Luke enjoy a rigorous and healthy sex life there are few romantic feelings shared between them. Domino can light a bunch of candles and she can even fall asleep on his elbow but their entire relationship is built around a façade. Luke's only personality trait appears to be his zero-tolerance toward criminal behaviour, thus making Domino an unlikely partner.

Furthermore, if the United States requires a top-secret unofficial branch of international and domestic espionage then what are the chances this outfit is committing acts of pure altruistic heroism? Why is Domino being asked to undertake such a simple assignment which a regular and existing law enforcement agency could have easily looked after, she constantly asks herself and the author? We never find out, a glaring omission in a book of glaring omissions. Domino is an arrogant, bitchy, self-obsessed, unrepentant mass murderer. She doesn't have a change of heart when she desires to give her work up for the love of a man. Oh no, it's only a logistical nightmare to continue killing for the government while under-taking an honest relationship. She doesn't change anything but outward appearances. She doesn't even learn a lesson. She is not deserving of a novel and she is not worth reading about. It is not edgy to expect a reader to want to see how she turns out. It is obnoxious. The Domino effect is mostly rage.

“'This is crazy,' he said, his mouth pressed against her ass”

For the reader of Bewildered Heart, the name Trish Wylie recalls the title One Night with the Rebel Billionaire and the enjoyment of said novel and the further enjoyment of critiquing it, a review that can probably be found trawling through the archives. Or scrolling downwards. As with nearly all Harlequin authors Trish has her own website, her own series of romance fiction writing guides, her own weblog and her own Twitter account. On her blog, Writing & Other Assorted Forms of Insanity (a title of great offence to a writer, for numerous reasons) Wylie took time from her hectic schedule of writing in various forms to write a retort to an article that appeared online over at the Irish Independent, written by Patricia Casey and concerning the detrimental effects Mills & Boon has had on modern culture and Feminism. Oh no, she didn't! But oh yes, she did. In fact, she didn't, but Wylie couldn't resist needlessly defending her publisher and as a weblog who has read a handful of Mills & Boon books Bewildered Heart feels itself in a position of authority to wade into the debate. We read the books and therefore we get to make fun of how terrible they are.

Wylie's beef with Casey stems from the journalist's lack of first-hand experience with the material. Immediately you must be thinking there's an innocent journalist, an arrogant and knowledgeable author with years of romance under her notched belt, a classic misunderstanding and now a heated disagreement filled with tension, longing looks and unspoken desires. We're only two hundred pages of stubborn idiocy away from true love! You're foolish to be thinking that. Let's begin with the Casey article written for the Alternative Health section of her website. “The hero is tall and handsome with a thick mop of hair; the heroine has a sylph-like attractiveness, and is never overweight. She is often vulnerable and fragile. The hero may be a doctor, pilot or a billionaire while the heroine is a nurse, air hostess or poverty-stricken beauty. He saves lives through his psychological prowess and is always considerate and insightful. She, on the other hand, is gentle and supportive,” writes Casey, cryptically.

Isn't considerate and insightful the same as gentle and supportive? It is obvious that while Casey has never read a Mills & Boon her evidence comes from reading other articles about the same subject. She is merely recycling facts. And it is these recycled facts that Wylie takes issue with. Casey publishes statistics of the upsurge on electronic downloads proving that the digital era has facilitated the prosperity of the download and online markets. Amazon.com was really struggling before the internet was invented, dontchaknow? Never mind that though, because we covered this months ago. The idea that electronic downloads means young people can read erotic romance without having anyone see the book cover isn't Casey's thought, but Wylie shoots back sarcastically that Harlequin's success has, “Nothing at all to do with an increased need for escapism from real life due to the economic climate and the pressures people are facing on a daily basis. The same upsurge wasn't seen in the 1920's, was it?”

As Casey remarks, “In a complex and capricious world, a storyline that predictably culminates in a happy ending provides a degree of insulation against harsh reality and reassures the reader that good things can happen.” Trish Wylie can trash Patricia Casey all she likes about the lack of research in the offending article, but had Wylie actually read Casey's argument she would have found herself in agreement. After all, they are saying the same thing. This wouldn't be such a palaver had Wylie not rallied against Casey's ignorance for three thousand two hundred and twenty-nine words. “The handsome men and exotic locations capture the imagination and give a glimpse of what life could be like, although most women also accept their escapist value.” Casey ends her piece with such a shocking and hurtful statement it is no wonder Wylie was so upset. Her response to Casey pointing out how successful romance books are? Publishing figures showing how successful romance books are. That'll show her, Trish.

When Casey suggests sometimes books take place in exotic locations Wylie angrily points her to the Mills & Boon website where we are told the stories are, 'Set against a backdrop of luxury, wealth and international locations.' How dare she rephrase that poorly-written and grammatically incorrect tag-line! Then Wylie reveals the full force of her ire: “Was this after he saved her from an oncoming train by untying her from the railway tracks with 'psychological prowess'? In my seven years of writing romance, I can honestly say I've never had a hero kiss a heroine 'fulsomely on the lips'. Can't remember ever reading that description either. The heroine 'reluctantly submits' to her 'previously denied attraction to this tower of masculinity'? Hasn't been a whole heap of denying going on in my Modern Heat books. Or reluctant submission for that matter. And heaven forbid a woman should be happy the man she loves, loves her too! What woman could possibly want THAT?”

OK. You're misguided and your blog needed updating. We understand that, but you're nitpicking when you say you've never used the word “fulsomely”. As for the heroine's reluctant submission to a kiss from the hero? Bewildered Heart has only reviewed one of Trish Wylie's books, One Night with the Rebel Billionaire, and that is exactly what happens. The girl, Roane, isn't fond of the man, Adam, but then he surprises her with an enforced kiss, which she relents to after a brief struggle. So maddening was the scene part of the passage became a post's title. The anger never subsides, but there is one final disagreement worth mentioning and that, of course, is the fertile topic of Feminism. Casey makes a valid point, “Feminists have castigated these books for stereotyping women into particular roles. They claim that although there has been some evolution in the female characters over time, the constant portrayal of women as passive and submissive is unacceptable.” While these are Casey's words, she indirectly quotes from writers such as Julie Burchill, who wrote Mills & Boon books were 'rape fantasies', "Man chases woman, woman resists, and finally, woman submits in a blaze of passion."

Wylie, “Constant portrayal. Wouldn't that be another sweeping generalization? Considering this article is chock-a-block with the same uninformed, patronizing tone I've read before from the kind of feminists who haven't - and wouldn't be seen DEAD - reading a Mills & Boon, I'm finding it a tad hard to care what they think any more than they care what I think (unless it matches up with what they think, I should think). I always thought a huge part of the feminist movement was a woman's right to freedom of choice. As a modern, independent woman I'm no more going to have my reading preferences dictated to me by a card-carrying feminist, uninformed journalist or a literary snob, than I am anyone - be it female or male.” Maybe feminists could download Mills & Boon so no one would know what they're reading? But yes, to hell with feminists always forcing women what to do. Gawd, they're worse than men. From a feminist standpoint the idea of a passive and submissive heroine might be upsetting, but it is equally upsetting from a literary position. It's sexist, perhaps, but really it is lousy writing. Wylie is probably correct in doubting feminists care about Mills & Boon. No one should care about romantic fiction enough to write a lengthy riposte on their blog about it. The only person who cares the right amount seems to be Patricia Casey, who couldn't even be bothered to source her information.

“Man, but he loved her”

One Night with the Rebel Billionaire opens appropriately enough with gratuitous nakedness. But don't fret, nudity fans, because there's plenty more where that came from, all dealt with coyly and without description by Trish Wylie, a happy romance author, if you take her word for it. Her 2009 effort tells the story of Roane Elliott, a virginal twenty-seven-year-old whose Dad was the chauffeur for the Bryant clan, owners of the Bryant Corporation, one of those businesses that makes a fortune without offering any explanation of how. Since her father's passing Roane took a job flying clients and colleagues to and from the Martha's Vineyard Bryant home and the Manhattan offices of the company, trips taken daily because the Bryant dynasty hates the environment. Roane grew up with the Brothers Bryant, the younger Jake and the elder, the dark and mysterious and brooding Adam. Jake, the nice one, stayed and ran the family business, while Adam cut himself off from his disapproving father and has never come back.

One starry night Roane meets an enigmatic and gorgeous stranger on her company's private beach. She acts in shocked outrage, but revels in the sight of male flesh in all its dangled glory. You have one guess to guess who this man turns out to be. Did you guess Adam Bryant, the enigmatic billionaire owner of the Bryant Corporation finally returned to make peace with his ailing father? The Other Brother, or Adam, or The Guy would have all been acceptable answers. Now, what a pickle for dear Roane. On the one hand she's instantly infatuated with Adam and his sturdy forearms, rippled pectorals, thick eyelashes (the eyelashes get mentioned a few times every chapter), lazy smile and constantly changing eye colour. Yet on the other hand she's a woman of principle who doesn't jump into bed with any strange man, especially one who arrogantly dismisses her as 'Little Girl' and generally behaves arrogantly. Also, Roane loves Jake like a brother and loves the Old Man Bryant as anyone good-hearted loves a really old man. Not to mention she has had a lifetime of being aware of how terribly Adam treated both of them.

But these minor grievances are merely delaying tactics from the inevitable, and so Roane leaps, nay soars, into bed with Adam and finally experiences the orgasm she had until then only read about in bad romantic literature. Adam, it turns out, is an incredible lover and soon Roane is in love with him, despite knowing that soon he will have to leave Martha's Vineyard for that stuff that he was doing in places other than Martha's Vineyard before the story started. If that sounds vague it's because Adam is darkly secretive and Roane must use her delicate fragility to coax the truth from him. If that still sounds vague it's because the reader isn't delicate or womanly enough to coax the truth from the author. Happily, there is time for the giddied-up couple to indulge in some food shopping and outdoors sex before Roane is forced into remembering all those things about Adam she had been ignoring in order to find him a pleasant companion. However, these things are quickly resolved and had actually just been the result of a series of misunderstandings and plot contrivances. Phew! The only real trouble concerns Adam's relationship with his father, but that isn't important, says the book, skipping the matter entirely, because the father is old. Fuck old people.

There still remains one problem once Adam has finally been portrayed as a nice chap with only the best wishes for other people in his heart. Adam can't give Roane what she wants, and that thing is love. 'I want you,' he tells Roane. 'And I need you, God only knows how much,' but he cannot fully commit to love, because he doesn't know what love feels like. The implication being that God isn't telling. He touches a boiling kettle. 'Is this love?' he asks, with an endearing scowl. 'Oh, silly.' Roane replies, 'Why don't we look up Love in a dictionary, or on Wikipedia?' And they do and then Adam, despite all his intelligence, accepts that he's a ridiculous creation with no credibility as a human being. The End. As endings go it is pretty magical. The epilogue uses the future to emphasize how right the author was when she explained how these two were right for each other, despite the reader's reservations. In fact, Roane and Adam get married and have a baby and call out 'I love you' at inappropriate times in public locations. And thus the book closes at a brisk one hundred and eighty four pages. From a tricky meet cute the couple have made it, going from confidently naked to nakedly confident.

Continuing on from our discussions on the nature of hero and heroine construct, Adam Bryant is a fairly stereotypical Mills & Boon hunk of masculinity. He's cocksure, he's tanned and muscular, he has thick brown hair with specks of blond, his eyes change colour depending on mood, sometimes becoming hooded and lightening during times of levity. He's mysterious and abrupt, he is sexist and cruel and intelligent and a billionaire. And like the very worst kinds of men he doesn't fall in love with everyone he meets, instead falling slowly for the right woman and then mating for life. His only character flaw? Not being in love, an issue revolved by the end of the book, thanks to the hard work and dedication of Roane Elliott, your stereotypical Mills & Boon babe. She's a weak protagonist, but not weak in the virtuous way that all females are weak and therefore adorable.

Roane's journey involves forcing change on the personality of Adam. Her emotional obstacle would appear to be his misguided perception of her. She does not need to change, no, he only needs to see her for who she really is. This happens relatively quickly and then it is merely up to Roane to resolve Adam's problems which stem from an inherent issue of miscommunication over the Bryant Corporation's Assets and fraternal fighting liberally borrowed from Rumblefish. It is a wonder why novels such as One Night with the Rebel Billionaire are chosen as prime publishing fodder by Mills & Boon. Their clichés so clichéd and their stereotypes so stereotypical the stories become self-referential parodies of the genre. There is little here to distinguish Adam Bryant from all the previous and future Adam Bryants and even though he found the happiness he did not deserve the reader will always wish marriage to Roane Elliott on him as punishment for his pathetic behaviour to everyone who seemed to adore him for reasons they will fail to discern.

“What kind of woman was turned on by a naked stranger in the middle of the night?”

One of the dangers of reading romance fiction is the unrealistic expectations it puts on real life living. To treat the characters of One Night with the Rebel Billionaire as figures of escapist fantasy is fair enough, but the story becomes empty spectacle, fairytale scenarios masquerading as dramatically heightened soap operas. Mills & Boon picks at the facade with the introduction of emotional neuroses. This is a worthwhile endeavour, as flaws are endearing and the reader must find the characters loveable enough to follow. Their physical perfection is problematic in itself, but people don't want to read about ugly people anymore than they want to see them on the street. Nevertheless, a little humanising can go a long way. Forgetting our feelings on humans for a moment, these sexual predators and stunning virgins can only suffice on purely superficial terms. For deep-rooted bonding, the kinds of life-changing connections the books are supposedly indebted to uncovering, perfection just does not cut it. The Mills & Boon writer must create a hero the female readers will fall in lust with and then later, after pages of enigmatic eyelash-fluttering and brooding looks, allow that lust to become love, unconditional and forgiving, a soul-baring devotion.

So, how does an author, inexperienced in the ways of desirable men, create such a Lothario, a man full of passion, intensity, sexual prowess, knowledge and misogyny, without turning him into the jerk he sounds like? Well, fortunately Mills & Boon themselves are here to help and they realise that, “it’s not always easy to create an Alpha hero,” because, “We live in an age where equality is (quite rightly) the aim and male strength can be seen as oppressive.” You're gosh darn right, helpful little lady, and thank you for pointing out that equality is the aim, because it's easy to lose track of human progress. So how do we create an Alpha Hero without making him seem like an oppressive force and you know, rapey? As it happens, it is merely a matter of modernising unrealistically. Modern cultural male heroes are now peacemakers, environmentalists and family men. Apparently. Admittedly, a family man sounds like a stretch for romantic lead, but the first two are acceptable. Men must be strong, but their strength should be productive.

They should also be gorgeous, but should never be seen working on their beauty, such as modern types who moisturise and wash. They should be able to wake up in the morning and throw on a T-shirt and be as minty-fresh and equally irresistible as they would be dressed for seduction. According to Mills & Boon our Alpha Male must satisfy two narrative requirements. He must “take control” and he must “drive the story”. Now let's ignore the first of these for a moment, because it's vague enough to be rendered meaningless. The latter, however, is worth a mention. If we assume that our female lead is our protagonist, and the story's emotional centre, then she must drive the story. Her passiveness, while sexy, is not worthy of a heroine. The man takes control and drives the plot? That's sexist, Mills & Boon, and to think, seconds ago you were using brackets to prove how progressive you are.

Further tips include:

“Recognise that he is the ultimate nurturer and build his character around this trait. He acts for the welfare of others and he is the one who recognises the heroine’s true goodness and worth.

Build a list of his strengths and reveal them as his character develops in your story.

Show his passion for his work, his life and in the bedroom!

Know his flaws and have the heroine, and the storyline, challenge them – so that he has to contemplate changing himself and his behaviour. Though changing will always remain his choice!

Be clear about the heroine’s emotional and sexual needs. It is through her journey of fulfilment via the hero that the reader gains insight into his character.

Use writing technique to create a more complex rendering of his character, such as male point of view, and semi-climax when crisis occurs as a result of the hero’s flaws.

Be sure that by the last chapter our hero has experienced his own emotional journey and he’s ready to settle down to a happy ending.”

There you go, a neat list. Recognise, Build, Show, Know, Be Clear, Use Writing Technique and Be Sure. Seven points to follow and you have your male lead. Most importantly there's this, “An Alpha male should still be vulnerable – even if he’s too proud to admit it! We need to see that underneath the arrogance, charm or guarded heart, he’s capable of great emotional depth.” Agreed. Bewildered Heart also believes the most vital element to fleshing out a Hero is making him capable of emotion. Before you, dear reader, note with incredulity that these writing tips are useless, please bear in mind they're only the initial prompts. We take these non-committal and occasionally hilarious tips and use them to mould the man we already have in our hearts. Naturally, as this is a romance story we want a man with the ability to love, who sees the heroine for who she really is. After all, having him not fall in love with a false impression of her would be detrimental to our book. Hah! Only kidding, Mills & Boon, your helpful hints are idiotic.

Later on, as we properly prepare to create our Alpha Male we will build a list of his strengths, but for now let's mention the few traits clearly fundamental. Strength, Nurturing, Kindness, Perception, Passion, Talent, Bedroom Skills, Charm, Confidence, Hair. We'll add more as we go along. As we construct our itinerary of strengths, we will begin work on his flaws, remembering that misogyny and commitment-phobia aren't flaws, they're not even words. These issues will help humanise him for both the reader and the heroine, allowing us, the author, to colour him with a personality. Now, our hero only exists through the eyes of the heroine, and he is defined by what he represents to her. At first he usually represents an irritation, an arrogant, but devastatingly handsome, stranger who stands in her way, because he wants to build a hotel on the seal sanctuary she works to save. 'Damn the seals,' he says, his thick eyelashes fluttering in the gentle breeze. 'Ugh, what an obstinate jerk,' she thinks, 'If only I didn't badly yearn to birth him numerous children!' So the heroine comes first and the hero is created based on the fulfilment of her journey to over-come whatever character flaws she has. And thus they become the perfect fit, finally allowing us to use the word perfect without it feeling deeply inappropriate. For the sake of time it is best to gloss over the 'Use Writing Technique' tip, and yet it is the most fascinating on the list. Anyone who has read plenty of romance fiction will know that semi-climaxes just do not occur. These characters just aren't almost kinda people.

“For a second she convinced herself she could feel her womb clench”

When creating your very own Mills & Boon romance novel the author is best served beginning with the most basic element, their protagonist. The story's driving force, the warm and fuzzy emotional centre of the plot machinations and the reader's window into the world of the book. This character is the heroine. However, when searching for hints on how to invent such a lady, an author is more likely to find pages and pages explaining how to create the hero.

Well, search no more people who are searching for this information who aren't me, because I have decided it is time we explore this problem ourselves. Go, Bewildered Heart! This blog is named Bewildered Heart.

The truth is, of course, that Mills & Boon readers are predominantly female, and Mills & Boon writers are predominantly female too. Therefore, the female of the story becomes a challenge of credibility and likeability, someone we can relate to and don't mind living through. While the hero can be an idealistic creation of feminine fantasy, without a strong and interesting lead the book won't stand up and will fall under the death knell of being published by Mills & Boon and read by millions.

According to Writing a Romance Novel for Dummies, readers want to see themselves reflected in their reading choices, or as they describe it women who are 'accessible, real, interesting and emotionally complex.' Readers see themselves as being these things. They seek something aspirational and yet familiar, an escapist world they can become absorbed by while still seeing themselves represented, if only as stunningly attractive twenty-seven virginal types with successful and glamorous careers and lifestyles, who by the end of the book are happily contented.

Here we are then, as the Dummies sets forth the five rules for creating a believable heroine.

#1 Realistic Responses. Good spot. Believability just wouldn't be believable without realism. “She's certainly going to experience things in the course of the book that most women never experience in real life,” says Dummies, providing clear evidence as to why their novel was repeatedly rejected. “Make her respond as the reader would. If a woman would be scared or shocked in real life, let your heroine feel that way, too. Her realistic response to an unrealistic situation will make sense to the reader and keep her caught up in your story.”

Sound advice. While unexpected reactions might be narratively compelling they're just so much more tricky to rationalise. We have to make the world around our girl larger than life and have her as the wide-eyed ingénue struggling to comprehend the sudden and unpredictable changes in life a new romantic interlude can bring. We fall in love through our protagonist and because of her, her attraction made all the more empathetic because we understand her thought processes, or in the case of Mills & Boon, the lack of them.

#2 Conflict Seeds. Ah, yes. Planting those seeds of conflict and watching conflict grow, with the occasional watering of communication breakdown. “The sparks of all conflict come from your characters, and the best conflict is emotional. Your heroine's the key character, so root the novel's conflict in your heroine's emotions. When the heroine's emotions feel real, her emotional conflict also feels real.” This is more related to plot, but it's certainly worth bearing in mind as we create our fair lady. Make sure what happens has an emotional effect on her.

#3 Identifiable Traits. “Give your heroine character traits that feel real. She often has a job or lifestyle that your reader will never have.” This is where all that reading Mills & Boon's came in handy. We've read of a Chef, office worker, public relations girl, nurse, unemployed, student, vague but possibly admin related and an actress... But in all these cases these women had character traits, they were feisty, virginal, strong-willed, innocent, free-spirited, sensitive, emotionally-retarded and sometimes a combination of two of those. “On the surface, she may seem too far outside the reader's realm of experience for that crucial sense of identification to occur, but a few well-chosen character traits can change that. Maybe she likes to drive too fast or is always playing with her hair. Maybe she has a soft spot for stray dogs or coos at babies in the supermarket.”

Oh, I see. You mean quirks that identify her as reckless, fidgety, maternal or dog-liking. Sorry. Go on, “Something small and human can resonate with the reader and make her realize that, for all their differences, she and the heroine aren't so dissimilar after all.” There is nothing objectionable about that statement, and while people do like dogs, cats are probably better when you consider the target readership.

#4 Complexity. Because character traits can feel gimmicky and meaningless, an author is well-advised to make her heroine interesting and human. Too many boring protagonists have only “whatever character traits the author decided were necessary for the plot — curious, lonely, and intelligent, for example — but that was it. They don't seem like real people who have quirks, contradictions, and layers worth uncovering.”

Seeing as how a book and its hero need something to do for the 55,000 word count stipulated in the contract, some uncovering of emotional issues is useful once you've used up 10,000 or so words on the uncovering of her clothes. However, Dummies is quick to suggest that, “a mass of tics, insecurities, and disconnected enthusiasms” would be a mistake. Remember, the heroine must remain, “strong, admirable and intelligent.” So there you have it, strong, admirable, intelligent and coos at babies at the supermarket. Your heroine is born.

#5 No Mirrors! Whenever I read a guide on creating female characters one thing is usually stressed time and time again. While men constantly check themselves out in mirrors and windows and shiny pieces of metallic plating women are neurotic creatures who only see flaws in their reflection. Even the beautiful ones, and so, “Don't let your heroine realize she's beautiful.” That may sound cruel, but she won't know unless you tell her. Beauty should be seen only through the eyes of the hero. “Giving her a flaw or two doesn't hurt, either. Maybe her hair has a tendency to frizz in the humidity, or maybe she needs glasses to read. Little touches like these make her more human and easier for the reader to empathize with.”

Glasses to read? What a freak! No one who requires reading aids can possibly be considered physically alluring. Suddenly our hero has gone from dream hunk to weirdo with a spectacle fetish.

Imperfection is important and that brings us nicely onto the next section of this article, imperfection. “An imperfect heroine makes a perfect heroine,” says Dummies. “So if you make your heroine perfect, without flaws, fears, or vulnerabilities, your reader won't feel the bond that keeps her inside the heroine's head and turning the pages. By introducing weaknesses and vulnerabilities, you let the reader create that all-important bond with the heroine.”

This seems to be less of a necessary element, but imperfection also allows for growth and character development. The love between the leads should feel life-changing and not just because the two characters will soon have to find a new place to live. Love should embolden a character and help them overcome their fears and vulnerabilities by having someone else love them completely and for all they are. Self-confident leads meeting and falling in love makes for demoralising reading. The only thing worse, passivity. “As the plot progresses, you need to make your heroine develop, change, grow, and discover things about herself and her abilities — especially how to love and live with her hero.”

“Part of what makes a couple right for each other is that they complement each other; they need each other, and bring out the best in each other. The same must be true of your hero and heroine, so the reader believes they belong together.” Yeah, Dummies. Yeah. If a book written to help 'representations of human figures for the displaying of clothes in store windows' can come to this conclusion then why can't more romance writers?

Most of these pointers aren't particularly helpful, with the general consensus being fanciful, and yet realistic, but there is no roadmap for the ideal romance novel. All heroines are basically the same in the world of Mills & Boon and originality is not the vital ingredient for success. Culmination is the key. The pieces must come together for maximum fulfilment with your heroine's journey emotionally tumultuous and ultimately rewarding. You'd be wise to base her on yourself, and then exaggerate all the elements for dramatic effect, and then in my case, also make her a woman.

“She was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted. All the sweeter because she didn't fight”

So intriguing was the blurb of the latest Mills & Boon selection no attention was paid to the title. A cursory glance at the front cover will surely persuade many to return the book to the shelf and forego the embarrassment of checking One Night with the Rebel Billionaire out at the front desk. But not Bewildered Heart. Oh yes, gentle reader. It was only a matter of time before we relented and returned to the treasure trove of Modern Heat Harlequin, and the virginal twenty-seven year old women falling for thirty-two year old bastardly billionaire rebels, despite vast and deal-breaking differences in personality and outlook.

Trish Wylie's One Night with the Rebel Billionaire concerns a rebellious billionaire, Adam Bryant, who returns to his father's billions, having previously gallivanted around the United States, frivolously frittering away the fortune of the man he detests and wants nothing to do with. Now back to deal with his ailing father's estate, this billionaire happens upon the all grown up Roane Elliott, daughter of the Bryant family chauffeur, the Sabrina to his and his younger brother's male leads from Sabrina Fair. Naturally, Roane immediately takes a dislike to Adam, because of his arrogance and perpetual penis-flaunting. He also demeans her with the pet-name 'Little girl' and barely even looks at her when talking to someone else. One Night with a Rebel Billionaire should not be confused with Wylie's earlier The Return of the Rebel or Claimed by the Billionaire Bad Boy even though they all sound exactly the same. But look here, a fellow review to tide you over until the final, definitive word.

During the natural struggles of comprehending the atrociously written Wylie prose Bewildered Heart remains committed to working through the American Film Institute's 100 Passions List, because this weblog's interests are nothing if not rich in diversity. Thus there was the enforced opportunity of Pillow Talk, a film that begins promisingly with a catchy bass-line and pillow-tossing and quickly descends into a disappointing mixture of beautiful, successful people being beautiful and successful and a personality clash overcome by the rejection of those personalities. It is always demoralising to watch or read a story in which character is used as a plot device, with a strong and wilful trait merely an obstacle preventing them from happiness. The female lead in One Night with the Rebel Billionaire hates jerks and doesn't tolerate being mistreated, ridiculed and bullied for being a silly little woman. She makes an exception for Adam, however, because he has thick eyelashes and so she quickly sleeps with him, immediately proving she is no silly little girl who can be mistreated and bullied. He'll learn to respect her the hard way, she reasons. This is why Mills & Boon books aren't taken seriously, not because they're satirically in on the joke, but because they're stupid and sexist.

In Pillow Talk Doris Day plays an independent lady, an interior decorator who lives alone, assisted ably by the occasional visits of an alcoholic. She shares a party-line with a philandering composer, played by Rock Hudson, and they argue because she has business calls to make and he's constantly chatting up his harem of giggly, easily manipulated girls over the phone. She thinks he's a sex-mad chauvinist and he thinks she's a frigid professional. They're both right and so, the film concludes, they're perfect for each other. Combined they make one whole person with a relatively healthy attitude towards sex. The course of true love never runs so smoothly, however. Rock's best friend is in love with Doris, but she does not love him. For reasons undetermined, but possibly due to his aversion to empathy, Rock decides to screw his only friend over and seduce Doris, thus getting revenge on her and alienating himself from all of his social circles. It's win-win. Because they only have a telephone relationship Rock convinces Doris he's a visiting Texas prospector with simple, home-spun values and a chivalrous nature towards women. Doris falls head over heels in love with the act, this is the man she's been waiting her whole life for.

The charade is untenable, of course, as Rock's deceit and misogyny are soon revealed by his best friend. Then the film somehow ends with Rock and Doris happily in love with their true selves and Rock's best friend happy and glad they've found each other. How this was achieved remains a mystery that not even watching the film helps to unravel. Nevertheless, viewers will always remember not being convinced by those story machinations they are unable to recall. Pillow Talk is a light and frothy concoction that works better when lovingly pastiched. As a film it struggles with an inherent lack of depth, but the main criticism of its place on the 100 Passions list is that it is not romantic and the two leads are impossible to care for. They risk nothing and supposedly gain everything. If you're not going for drama then make us laugh. If not laugh then at least feel. Why is it that throughout this colourful canon of romance we are subjected to men and women treating each other abominably, with love viewed as the natural progression from loathing? Why should we want Rock Hudson to be happily in love with the woman he only wants to teach a lesson?

Why are we expected to care what happens to Adam Bryant and Roane Elliott? He's a snarky and insensitive date rapist and she's falling in love with him even though she clearly sees him for nothing more than an attractive date-rapist, with thick eyelashes. There are a great number of references to the man's eyelashes. The ideal husband has thick eyelashes, apparently. Without knowing the secret of thick eyelashes it seems safe to assume the ideal husband also uses eyelash curlers and mascara. Even at this early stage One Night with the Rebel Billionaire may prove a troublesome journey. It was a slog to make it all the way to the end of the title. Yet there was enough rage-inducing insanity in the first thirty pages to prompt a sudden appraisal of story-telling errors. As the story slowly, teasingly builds to the spectacular narrative crux of the two good-looking people having sex, we must prepare ourselves for the inane bickering that will inevitably follow, culminating in more sex and some kind of resolution, where the man swaps his love of misogyny, dickishness and violent threats for the love of a woman, and the kinds of things the love of a woman brings to a man now shorn of characteristics. In Pillow Talk both Rock and Doris had sunk so low in their game of petty tit-for-tat revenge that they had reached a point where marriage was the only option left to them, and so there you are, with whatever possible conclusion you can draw from that.