Before an aspiring author attempts their addition to the swell of romance writing published every month by Mills & Boon they are smartly advised to choose the sub-genre they wish to be considered for. Without further ado, therefore, a little research is necessary. As Bewildered Heart has already helpfully alluded to there are numerous different styles for your generic love story, including, but not limited to, Nocturne, Medical, Blaze!, Intrigue and Historical. Other less well-known categories are named Mira, Cherish, Desire and Riva. What are these? you demand, impatiently. Unfortunately, our necessary research wasn't especially thorough, but never mind because Cherish sounds like the antithesis of Desire and frankly the other two aren't even words, so forget them.
Because of a particular aversions toward vampires, demons, well-being, sex and old people, we should press on with the least likely category to contain animalistic rutting between otherworldly beasts. With Nocturne and Cherish out of the way then, we are left at the grateful feet of Modern and Romance. Yes, that's correct. There's a Romance sub-genre called Romance. Romance Romance, you might say. So, what does the Romance Romance genre ask for? Mills & Boon opens with, 'Do you love a happy ending?' It is never a good idea to immediately ask a stupid question, but seeing as how they have we have little choice but join them. Don't all Mills & Boon books have happy endings? If the reader didn't love a happy ending would they even be here? How does that separate this style from all the other styles? Can we pretend they didn't ask that and move on? 'Do you love to get lost in a story that takes you on a roller-coaster of emotions?' Sure, why not. A roller-coaster of emotion sounds like a normal roller-coaster, except with more vomiting. But seeing as how most romance novels are emetic there doesn't appear to be anything here to differentiate this from the likes of Historical and Medical, besides history and medicine. After all, a stroll through indifference would be a terrible idea for a story.
'Do you want to walk in your heroine’s shoes?' They don't offer great arch support and chances are they wouldn't fit, but yes, we most certainly do. After all, she is our narrative representation, albeit with nicer shoes. 'Do you want pure Romance?' Of course, who doesn't want pure romance? No more of this diluted romance that doesn't even taste like romance. It's mostly anti-freeze. This question is a tricky one to answer, but the implication is that Romance Romance skips on the more sultry stuff. 'Each story delivers 100% pure romance - but happily leaves the explicit detail on the cutting room floor! Readers come to this series to experience the feel-good high of love blossoming!' So it's 100% pure, but not uncut?
'Do you want to explore a rainbow of emotional scenarios?' This is the same question as before only worded slightly differently, so the answer remains the same, only worded slightly differently. You're gosh darn right we do! And yet, why does it feel as if you're making vague and derisory statements that in no way explain what Romance Romance writers are expected to deliver? How about a long list of words? 'Vibrant, hilarious, heart-wrenching, exciting, uplifting, unexpected, intelligent, warm…' Yep, that didn't help either. In fact, as a description it seems ever more confused. Does Mills & Boon want a novel that fits all of these adjectives, or can the author choose one word and base their book around that, because Bewildered Heart has never featured a Harlequin that was any one of those things.
'We celebrate women: their lives, triumphs, families, hopes, dreams…and most importantly their journey to falling in love. These are heroines every woman can relate to, root for, a friend you can laugh with and cry with. There should be a sense that the story really could happen to you!' That's something. Readers of Romance Romance seek familiarity, their own personal, realistic fairytale with a likeable, relatable lead character. But what about that chap hiding behind her? 'Behind every strong woman…there’s a strong man. A guy you could meet on the sunniest of days, but who’ll be there for you on the rainiest.' That doesn't make sense. Let's assume what they're demanding is that we don't create a fair-weather love interest, instead a man who can be relied upon, for better and for worse, through sickness and in health, the sort of heroic lover that has appeared in every Mills & Boon since its inception.
'So - wherever in the world your book is set, whether it’s fun and flirty or deeply emotional, let your imagination fly. The possibilities in Romance are endless.' Please note that by endless we here at Mills & Boon are not implying that the possibilities in romance are endless. On the contrary they are limited to a standard structure, character archetypes and predictability any deviation from will result in instant manuscript rejection. We ask all potential authors to follow the strict guidelines that are not mentioned anywhere within the submission section of our website because we enjoy receiving up to 20,000 manuscripts a year that are unsuitable for publication.
Alternatively, there's Modern Romance, which translates as romance for the modern woman, still 100% romantic, but now with the occasional sex scene and talking on mobile phones! 'Modern Romance is the last word in sensual and emotional excitement,' they inform us. 'Readers are whisked away to exclusive jet-set locations to experience smouldering intensity and red-hot desire.' They are whisked away to exclusive jet-set locations in their imagination, for those excitable readers who took that literally. Modern Romance is the most popular category to write in and the most comfortable to be seen buying. Who doesn't yearn for a little romance in this day and age? Despite the contemporary illusion, the stories are exactly the same as they are in Romance Romance, only with the sexual element amped up to Low.
'Modern Romance explores emotional themes that are universal. These should be played out as part of highly-charged conflicts that are underpinned by blistering sexual anticipation and released as passionate lovemaking. However, Modern is not the home of purple prose, cliché or melodrama; we want to see writing that offers unique perspectives and bursts with originality.' Yeah, you salty dogs. Clichéd, melodramatic purple prose with stereotypical perspectives that occasional flashes with banality are published under the Blaze! banner.
So what have we learned from this, besides not to look to the Help pages for help? Well, it really comes down to sexual content. Much like life itself the books are categorised by the amount of explicit description they contain. Modern Romance features one, maybe two, encounters, but must use coy euphemisms and old-fashioned reactions to mark the books out as Modern. Blaze! can say what the reader wants to read, and must tailor their story around a couple who meet and almost immediately begin having sex, thus discrediting any semblance of intellectual connection. With Romance Romance the focus is rightly on the romance, and it would be expected that the couple do not fuse their bodies in a fit of passion until after the book has ended. A standard example will revolve around a slow-burning and tender courtship often involving a single parent with an adorable child. That's another thing we'll have to think about later on down the line, the involvement of adorable children, but for now we should all get on with reading some Romance Romance and the first example will be The Dad Next Door, and look there's an adorable child on the front cover holding a teddy bear!
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