When faced with reading a Mills & Boon the reader may feel a powerful rush of emotions not unlike the reaction a heroine has to seeing her ideal man rise from the ocean in revealing swimming trunks and slowly descend over her quivering body laid wild and enticingly on a bed made of grapes. For fans of trite romance fiction a new novel is a gateway into a fantasy world of passion, intrigue and love. For readers who dislike romance fiction, of course, having another book land on their bedside desk and shimmer in the golden light of a low wattage energy-saving bulb conjures an apprehension more akin to seeing a dripping wet Adonis rise from the ocean in revealing swimming trunks and slowly approach as they attempt to read; jittery, self-conscious, fearing the worst and questioning their sexuality.
Having finished The Truth About the Tycoon happy in the knowledge that the truth had been that he was, in fact, a tycoon, Bewildered Heart yearned for something different and what is more different than a yellow cover? In all our many months of searching never have we seen a yellow cover and approximations of what snowflakes might look like if drawn by someone unaware of what a snowflake looks like. Yes, back in 1993 Harlequin and Mills & Boon showed elements of ambition in the marketing of their product. Before and during the wilderness years of titles such as In Bed With the Boss, Wife By Agreement and Bedded at the Billionaire's Convenience (Last one coming to Bewildered Heart soon, mind) the Mills & Boon subgenre Enchanted published Romantics Anonymous by Lauryn Chandler.
Immediately the reader will sense something special about this offering. Overlooking the pale cover for a moment (which should be easy as there are no pictures on the internet of the Mills & Boon edition), one is struck by the purposeful capitalised title, the nonsensical tagline, 'Mistletoe: Magic!' and the painted picture of a couple. Before the staged soft-core photograph of attractive people canoodling on silk sheets while candles flicker seductively in the background Romantics Anonymous offers a drawing of a fairy-tale scene. An Italian lounge singer with receding hair rubs his thumb against the chin of a high society dame who holds a bouquet of flowers while what appears to be a pheasant blazes to death in the fireplace. There is a Christmas tree and there are greeting cards on the mantelpiece. Also, and perhaps most inexplicable of all, there is a fluffy cloud about to consume them all. Is the building on fire, or is this luxurious house actually in Heaven? One must read on to find out if any of these strange elements are incorporated into the story.
Cynthia James, Cyn to her friends (Hi, Cyn!), has written a thinly-veiled anti-romance novel recounting her disastrous marriage to her ex-husband, the big-shot Hollywood screenwriter Lane Lincoln. Cynthia has also founded a self-help group for women addicted to love, named Romantics Anonymous, which teaches a twelve-step programme for afflicted ladies to use when wishing to say goodbye to their filthy habit. But hang on, romance writer, what's so wrong with a little thing called love? According to Cyn and her novel, Love and Marriage and Other Tall Tales, chemistry can be easily created, lust is a hormonal fluctuation and sexual passion can't be trusted, whereas stability and honesty are the cornerstones to a successful partnership. She learned this the tough way, first from her charming, yet flighty, father whom she adored, but was abandoned by, and then by the charming, yet flighty, Lane, who wooed her at 1970s university. Thereafter they lived a nomadic life, travelling America in a Winnebago and having tremendous sex before Cynthia demanded they settle down and Lane's dreams became too large for his life.
Since then, Lane has followed his calling to become an insensitive jerk and writer of epic Hollywood love stories. Imagine his consternation, therefore, when he sees his ex-wife on a chat-show setting forth her principles and explaining that she looks back on her infatuation with him as laughable and a mistake. Damn it, Cynthia, indeed. If only there was some unlikely circumstance which might force the pair together so he could prove to her that sexual magnetism is a once-in-a-lifetime miracle and a relationship should be built around tremendous sex and not support of each other's complex neuroses formed by unresolved issues with their fathers. Besides the destructive causes of their divorce are no longer an obstacle, because Lane has settled down and made a life for himself in California, while Cynthia has stopped being a control freak with unrealistic expectations of others. Can love be rekindled, asks the author? Yes, we reply, because you've already mentioned on numerous occasions that the love between Lane and Cynthia still burns brightly. Gosh, if only there were some unlikely circumstance...
As it happens their twelve-year-old daughter, Beth, has flown across country, from wherever Oregon is to wherever California has got to, with an ultimatum. Cyn has followed, freshly returned from her publicity tour and desperately searching for her missing child. This brings the former couple face to face for the first time in ten years and how attractive those faces remain, despite the stress and the ravages of time. Beth is not finished at disappearing and boarding a plane alone, however. She has an imposition of her parents that they must grant her, otherwise she will begin drinking and having sex with boys. Beth wants her mother and father to reconcile for a traditional family Christmas. For unexplained reasons Lane and Cynthia agree to this request, suggesting Beth may grow up to be a real bitch. Still, what could possibly happen during these weeks between responsible and emotionally-mature adults? After all, Lane and Cynthia tell each other that they are in happy, committed relationships that they're not really in, but are only pretending to be in to make the other one jealous.
While Mills & Boon constantly promise their books will be fun, flirty and may have you laughing out loud we have not yet seen any evidence of such a prospect. However, Chandler's novel has an odd smattering of jokes and a possibly satirical edge that is destroyed within the opening three chapters. The Romantics Anonymous twist on the standard formula quickly sacrifices itself to the requirements of the structure and ends up only working as a clever gimmick to fool the likes of us into buying the book. While the idea of a romantic heroine who actively denounces romance is hardly original, to go a step further and invent a self-help group affords an opportunity for deeper dissection of the principle subject. Sadly, it quickly becomes apparent that neither Cynthia James nor Lauryn Chandler believe in their own rhetoric and any fun set to be had at the reader's expense is lost to a withering lack of credibility.
Still, a full examination of romance maybe a worthwhile endeavour and perhaps Romantics Anonymous will deliver an understanding of other intangible notions such as fidelity and marriage. Lane is a changed man, no longer a slave to his youthful fancies and idealistic dreams of true love and adventure. He is, therefore, an empty shell of the man he once was, and the pressures of conformity and responsibility have evolved him into suitable husband material. Perhaps over the course of the novel Cynthia's support can resurrect him back into the vital, daring force she formally fell in love with. There remains a good possibility, however, that she will slowly be drawn to his good looks and easy-going charm, all the time fighting herself not to fall back into bed with him, until she does and remembers just how wonderful their relationship was, only to then be thwarted by self-doubt, magician issues and concerns for Beth, before a soul-baring speech helps her realise Lane will not leave her this time, because hope and ambition have been slowly crushed out of him by life.
Chandler may argue that Cynthia is fine the way she is, but there remains inside the heroine an inability to experience impulsive joy. Therefore it is up to Lane to help her realise that a life without romance is a life not worth living. She should embrace her life and step out of her mind. Lane still has a thick head of hair, as only handsome men do, and Cynthia should enjoy it while she still can. Who says one cannot experience passion and peace at the same time, such as love-making in Switzerland? Are we really expected to choose between reason or romance? Isn't there room enough for both? After all, the Romantics Anonymous Programme stresses the utmost importance of logic and really, what is so logical about a fundamental separation of unrelated brain functions? Lane shall, of course, say these things with his shirt removed, having recently risen from the ocean and approached seductively, his torso glistening and bare, his tight swimming trunks overtly suggestive, meaning he might as well have said nothing for all we were able to comprehend.
No comments:
Post a Comment