Somehow, after having read the opening three chapters of Bedded at the Billionaire's Convenience, the publishing team at Mills & Boon decided this was a book worth finishing. Largely because of their misjudgement then, Bewildered Heart has been forced to continue onwards. When we left the absurd contrivances and inexplicably protracted exposition that amounted to a narrative, Pierre Christoph Newman was headed to the Devon cottage of his ailing mother, Didi, to prove he and Georgie were in a committed relationship, even though they were not, to cheer Didi up and offer the flimsiest excuse yet for a romance novel. With such an opportunity and a lack of chivalry, Pierre has no intention of merely playing along with Georgie's lies. Oh no, Pierre wants to enjoy the full benefit of a method performance, and that means more than taking his fake girlfriend and real mother out to shop and eat at fancy restaurants. It also means forcing himself on Georgie, the woman he admittedly finds repulsive.
Still, who hasn't pretended to be in a relationship to enliven a fraught Christmas break with their senile, judgmental parents? With a premise so relatable and ripe for comedy and love, Cathy Williams eventually gets Bedded at the Billionaire's Convenience up and running, painfully stretching four sentences over ten chapters and one-hundred and eighty-five pages of inane banter, misogyny, the cod-philosophical musings of the benighted and hilarious descriptions of breast fondling. However, by the grand finale of a lifetime of happiness and accidental pregnancy the story is no longer as exhausting and infuriating as it was when it began, over coffee in a series of impressive locations. Fortunately, Williams has a love story to unfold, to obscure the tedium of the telling. Georgie and Pierre are at odds, but slowly their exasperated shouting turns to petty squabbling, evolving to ribald teasing and then into love and polite honesty. How was this achieved, the reader wonders, putting down the book and sighing again, no longer confused, but just passed caring?
Stuck at Didi's cottage from an unlikely snowstorm Georgie shares Pierre's bed to maintain the illusion of a healthy sex-life. Didi is nothing if not the modern mum, always pushing her son into having sex in front of her. However, Georgie feigns sleep as Pierre enters the room, having finished his important business via email and staring at his laptop quizzically. Georgie finds Pierre's amazing eyes, luscious eyelashes and sturdy torso of manly masculinity frankly irresistible, and Pierre is easily aroused by the fact that there's an of-age woman lying next to him, yet libidos cannot be satisfied. After all, they still loathe each other and sexual ecstasy would come at a high price, although the reader is never informed of that financial breakdown. The next morning some light kissing, heavy breathing and breast fondling is interrupted by Didi, always alert to her son's erections. Dismayed and perplexed beyond belief Georgie finds fault in her womanly desires and demands such a thing never happen again, possibly put off by Didi's roving gaze.
From then on it's a parade of awkward meals and Pierre's shameless flirting, coupled with illicit rendezvouses in bedrooms where Pierre grins and leans in doorways, while Georgie hides her decency and spurns his advances. Pierre calls her a hussy, a hypocrite and other charming petnames and leaves her to her celibacy, in order to return to his own. Bearing this failure in mind, Pierre attempts a new approach. Less of the smug seduction with rape-overtones and more being a charming, sensitive chap offering compliments and help where needed. Well, smug seduction with rape-overtones has worked for nearly every other Mills & Boon hero, but then Georgie is hardly every other Mills & Boon heroine. She keeps chickens and possibly has other personality traits, and is not waiting for a big, strapping gentleman to come along and give her life purpose, even though that's exactly what she's doing.
First up for the improved Pierre is the small favour of playing Santa Claus at Georgie's primary school, after the usual Santa Claus injures himself slipping on ice. You'd expect Santa to be more nimble in such treacherous conditions, but Cathy Williams has proven a dab hand at contriving unlikely motivations for inconsequential anecdotes. So, Pierre puts on the outfit and entertains the tots, impressing with his parentings skills and also looking mighty tasty to the adults with his fake beard and fat suit. Georgie's colleagues swoon over Pierre as only parochial ladies can when faced with a good-looking man. Georgie feels the first twinge of jealously, but how can this be jealously, she asks herself, when she is not in love with Pierre? Unless the twinge of jealously at seeing other women flirt with Pierre is a sign of love. That would certainly explain all the other romantic feelings she has been having, yet denying herself. Oh no! She's in love with Pierre. How utterly hopeless, especially as there is no way Pierre could be in love with her.
Shortly thereafter, at a candlelit fish restaurant, Pierre admits he might be in love with Georgie. Oh no! They're in love with each other. How utterly unsubstantiated by plotting. How can the two of them make it work when they're separated by space, personality, outlook, aspirations, lifestyle and issues on keeping chickens? This is a situation so burdened with danger and tension the only possible escape for Georgie is drinking copious amounts of wine and then making a drunken pass at Pierre while fondling those fondle-worthy breasts. Pierre, now resolved to completing his character arc, refuses the open invitation in fear of taking advantage of her sullied state. His gallant chivalry only extends so far, however, because Pierre sees no moral issue in taking advantage of her hang-over and before she can say, 'Oh, my head and the worrying implications of my actions last night,' Pierre has fondled her breasts into the early hours of the morning, only breaking briefly to collect breath and talk seductively about Didi.
For a few pages of instantly forgettable prose Pierre is happy with his lot in life, while Georgie remains the same blank state of expressionless womanly emotion. All is well, and Pierre even finds himself enjoying the company of strangers, as only someone with severe psychological problems is able to. Nevertheless, a heavy air of doom hangs over the pre-Christmas celebrations as Pierre knows soon he must return to the fast-paced, cut-and-thrust business world of London, and such dog-eat-dog, high-stakes territory is no place for a dainty woman who keeps chickens, loves children and talks about feelings. Still, Pierre cannot stay in this fictional village in Devon to tend to chickens, love children and talk about feelings. He lives in London, where they presumably eat chickens, hate children and communicate their feelings through obtuse hand gestures. Is there no hope or future or compromised middle ground for this couple? Pierre and Georgie say no, because this is the penultimate chapter and the easy answers to solve these trifling troubles are only ever found at the denouement.
Pierre knows he must end things, but wisely takes the liberty of having unprotected sex with Georgie twice before making up a questionable excuse and leaving. For the best, he surmises, as love is not enough to keep you in love with someone, you also need to change your entire personality and sacrifice your aspirations and responsibilities, unless that woman is the right woman for you, although that thought never enters his mind. But hey, chap, you remember that morning you woke up proudly erect and proceeded to impregnate your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend in a moment she wished would last forever? You'll never guess why she wished that moment would last forever. It was because that was the final moment in her life she would not be with child. Yes, Georgie is pregnant and, more importantly, according to Didi, making filthy, spontaneous, uninhibited love to a greasy-haired musician. Aw, Didi, you so disconcertingly aware of everyone else's sex life.
Pierre rushes back, so alarmed and envious he even takes public transport with all the disgusting non-billionaires. There he finds Georgie saying goodnight not to her musician-lover, but rather to her music-teacher. How many musicians are there, you disgraceful tramp! No, Pierre. There is no lover at all, your mother lied to you in the hopes you'd murder Georgie in a fit of jealous rage. Thankful, and still not in the least bit concerned about the mental welfare of Didi, Pierre resolves to finally do right by Georgie and marry her before the baby begins to show. To reconcile their lifestyle differences Pierre steps back from working so hard, buys a huge house in Winchester and attempts to find pregnant women sexy. Georgie stays exactly the same throughout and is rewarded with all of her wildest dreams, although she must quit being a teacher to concentrate on being a mother, because all female teachers are infertile, as the saying goes. Everything works out entirely as Bewildered Heart had predicted, making us feel intellectually superior to a book entitled Bedded at the Billionaire's Convenience, which, though incidental, still makes for a happy ending.
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