Tuesday, 10 April 2012

“She heard him rip the packet, then the unmistakeable sound of the condom being rolled on”

With the opening three chapters of Neurosurgeon... and Mum! proving an arduous struggle hopes for the remaining eleven were cautiously pessimistic. When an operation on her best friend's husband is a calamitous mistake brain doctor Amy Rivers heads to Norfolk on sabbatical, only to end up sharing her aunt and uncle's house with visiting GP Tom Ashby and his eight year old daughter. Tom lost his wife to death only a year earlier and he has seen Perdy disappear further into a shell made of self-doubt and whimsy. Perhaps, somehow, love can blossom in these difficult times and Amy can find the family she always wanted. Meanwhile, we should expect that she and Tom will practise a little medicine, for this is a Medical™ and the readers demand excitement and descriptions of bladder infections in amongst their usual concoction of tiresome emotional reiteration, euphemistic sex scenes and parades of family togetherness with child and dog followed by a hefty chunk of emotional reiteration.

Tom knows he should not enter into a relationship with Amy, not because she isn't beautiful, on the contrary she is stunning, and not because she is fat, on the contrary if anything she is underweight, but because she is mentally troubled, she will soon return to London and foremost, he must put the needs of Perdy first. Amy knows she should not enter into a relationship with Tom, not because he isn't handsome, on the contrary he is very handsome, and not because he doesn't make a lot of money, on the contrary he does all right, but because he is a mourning widow and father who must put the needs of his daughter first, not to mention that she, Amy, is a complete mess of a woman who will soon be returning to London. Of course, no amount of determination can stop Amy and Tom from being together, because they are soul-colleagues, and sure enough, within a couple of chapters they have kissed in the kitchen and made love in the bathroom area. Wanting neither a short-term fling nor a permanent relationship with genuine commitment, they instead agree to a short-term relationship hidden from locals and Perdy, but involving sex, spiritual connection and a commitment ambiguous enough to placate the needs of a lonely, unemployed woman desperate for a family and a grief-stricken single father desperate for love.

While Perdy has taken to Norfolk as any well-adjusted, healthy person takes to Norfolk her father and surrogate mother sense turmoil and shyness within her. What about school work and school friends? Should this girl really be spending all of her time with Amy and Buster the Dog, rather than kids her own age, doing normal things kids do, such as running around screaming? Why won't she speak about her deceased mother and why does she take such an interest in cooking, cleaning and other womanly things? Isn't all this time she could be playing outside or sleeping outside seriously cutting into the time Amy and Tom could be using for sex? To help, the potential couple take his daughter out on day-trips, to pick strawberries to turn into ice cream, and to see the seals, to possibly bake into a pie. However, every adventure is strewn with complications, as members of the public occasionally appear to ask awkward questions, assuming Amy to be Perdy's mother or Amy to be Tom's wife, and, in an extreme case, one noisy youngster collapses after an allergic reaction to a wasp sting.

Throughout the latter stages of Neurosurgeon... and Mum!, author Kate Hardy takes the opportunity to explore Amy's second career as a neurosurgeon. Sequences such as the wasp incident are followed by numerous other, less action-packed scenes, where Amy shows off her knowledge of the nervous system, and Hardy eats up the word count by copy and pasting from her medical dictionary. First there is poor Mrs. Cooper, who has a great deal of pain in her jaw, possibly from yawning incessantly whilst reading Mills & Boon novels. Doctor Ashby is merely a general practitioner and his comprehensive understanding of health does not stretch to the intricacies of neurology. But hey, says Tom, the woman I'm sleeping with might be able to help and, over a strategic glass of decent wine, he invites Amy to speak perceptively on gamma knives and other mystical instruments, thus calming Mrs. Cooper's worst fears, revitalising Amy's passion for patients and science, and allowing Hardy to bulk out a flagging second act.

Soon Amy is lecturing locals on the wonders of pain and the cutting edge advancements in the fight against ageing appropriately. Her vigour returns, as does her radiate smile and she even eats enough of Perdy's pudding to return to a salubrious weight. Things are going so swimmingly, in fact, that Hardy allows the reader to indulge in a second sex scene. With chapters dwindling, however, there is still the small matter of the plot to sort out. Thankfully, Amy's former best friend calls out of the blue to apologise and admit that Amy's handling of the operation that destroyed her life and career was actually a roaring success. Ben can move his hands and masculine areas, and although he will never walk again he can have a life and Laura can have children the natural way. Amy, did you hear, the concept of the novel was based upon a fallacy and the reasons to doubt and cast yourself into isolation never existed. Laura and Ben are fine, everyone can become friends again, and why, Kate Hardy, why can't Ben ever walk again? This is a book of fiction, and Ben isn't real, but still you take away the feeling in his legs just like you take away any remaining feelings of joy in the reader.

As for Mrs. Cooper, Max Barton and the rest of Tom's patients none see their subplots through to completion, as instead Amy gets her dream job forty minutes down the road, Tom finds a permanent place in Joe's practise, peripheral figures of little importance stop being unreasonable for reasons that are not explained, Perdy betrays her age with a series of statements that belie even her claims at being a realistic human and Tom and Amy are married at the local church, watched on by all, who have returned from wherever they were for a painfully elongated final chapter. What about old Doctor Joe's casebooks that Amy was transcribing for the majority of the story? Well remembered, but that plot-point is entirely abandoned by the author, as her heroine already has everything she ever wanted, except the love of her clearly quite discerning parents. There we leave the small world of Amy Rivers and Tom Ashby, little Perdy and their new puppy, Buster Two, safe in the knowledge their family will be strong, loving and constantly baking. We assume the assortment of secondary characters will sort themselves out and even if they don't they were never significant anyhow.

Neurosurgeon... and Mum! certainly delivers on both love and medicine. First, at its gooey centre, is a Cherish Romance, where a put-upon loner and a single parent find strength through the other's encouragement and warm eyes. There is no sense of conflict between the pair, no obstacle to overcome, only the need for time to heal wounds and allow affection to grow. With two characters unsure of their futures Hardy proved herself unable to conjure the most minor of difficulties, and quickly resolved to watching her couple fall in love, always knowing there were diseases and injuries to distract the reader from noticing the complete lack of narrative twists. Anyone with the merest experience of living will be able to relate to a good Medical™ as it brings together two favourite conversational topics, gossip and health. Naturally, from a technical standpoint the book is unreadable drivel because of its anaemic plotting, weak characterisation, interminable dialogue and a sloppy prose style. Nevertheless, the demands of the subgenre could be found responsible for this. Hardy places emphasis on Amy's rehabilitation where she regains her self-confidence from Tom's support. This works in regards to Mrs. Cooper, who has two thankless scenes of listening to surgical jargon, but Hardy quickly hedges her bets by introducing numerous other ailments and old people. This creates a series of disparate elements, as while Tom treats patients his career has little to do with his emotional growth as a lover and a father. Perdy's development was thoughtlessly arrested to the point where the book would have been better off without her, but this flaw was consistent with all of Neurosurgeon... and Mum! to the point where it did not need to be told.

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