"You don't strike me as the type to carry lucky stones in his pocket"

Valentine's Day happened, as inevitable and aggressive as always, leaving everyone with little choice but to try and enjoy it. While the cynical and desperately alone might wish to see the non-holiday as a commercial enterprise pushed by a capitalist elite to fleece money from the masses through emotional bribery, those who know what is good for them invariably partook in romantic declarations of affection using greeting cards, flowers, chocolates, restaurant tables or small acts of kindness, which are free and therefore worthless. Naturally assuming cheapskates and the unimaginative may turn to the internet in search of inspiration, romance outlets offered their own timely insights, articles and essays on fictional loving. There are reasons for this besides it being early February, as Harper's has noted that the industry is worth $1.4 billion, and thus a suitable subject for a subscription-only magazine. Last summer they sent their intrepid editor, Jesse Barron, to the Romance Novel Convention in Las Vegas where, 'Professionals and novices alike pool resources, share ideas and generally have a love fest.' Described more accurately, 'The convention is a five-day smattering of trite classes, cheesy entertainment and a costume ball.'

Over at the thankfully free National Public Radio, Arun Rath asked Barron several questions concerning the experience, copied down the responses and submitted the series of words to the website. Barron appeared particularly interested in the male cover model who emceed the event, but within the numerous facts and anecdotes about what it takes to be handsome and often shirtless there are a handful of other points that can be copied from NPR and turned into an article for Bewildered Heart, to coincide with Valentine's Day and satisfy a necessary obligation for a weblog about romance fiction. First and perhaps most important is the nature of the female protagonist. Who is she? Where is she going? What is she buying from that supermarket? What's wrong with her hair? Is it because of the hot weather?

According to Barron, newest and thus foremost, expert on all things romance, 'She's gotta be tough, but she can't be cold, she can't be whiny ... and if she's got those walls up, you must show her vulnerability. She is just like the reader.' Unlike the reader, however, she has to be desirable to billionaires, and tough. The walls in question are proverbial walls that the hero must knock down with his sledgehammer of empathy. When the heroine's father abandoned both her and her determined single mother she retreated into a shell, refusing to trust her heart to anyone else in case it was broken once again. Her pursuer must become a surrogate by means of being male and older, while proving through the repeated use of a penis that he will never leave, allowing her to cast off the protective layer of emotional insensitivity and love with her entire self. While this example is just a single potential option it appears to be the only one authors have chosen to use.

On the topic of the writing craft, or the craft of writing, Barron explains that there is one thing we all have to understand. 'One thing that you have to understand if you're gonna get into writing romance is that the things that are valued in that genre are not the same things that are valued when we read something like literary fiction. So you're gonna want to hone your prose until its extremely clear, it's very, very fast, the dialogue is funny and the plots are really engaging.' All seemingly important things, and while comprehensible prose, funny dialogue and engaging stories are not rated significant for works of literary fiction, we must recognise that romance and literature are different, with value systems that are not the same, and should be treated accordingly. From there, naturally, we turn to infidelity. 'Heroes and heroines in romances never, ever cheat ... it's really about the relationship between two people and the way that they gradually become more vulnerable to each other over time.' By cheating Barron means casual dating, and by ruling out alternative suitors the author is able to concentrate on the actual plot, which deals with the initially emotionally-frozen characters slowly recognise their estranged parents in the manner of their prospective partners and allow themselves to indulge in intense feelings before married life rather takes the edge off.

With the latest trends of the genre covered it is time for business and the real reason for all this lovely intimate sweetness. Money. 'It's estimated that about 60 percent of all romance novels are e-books, and that's compared with about 40 percent of trade fiction. Literary fiction does not get along well with e-books and self-publishing because it takes too long to write, and e-books are cheap. So e-books will favor writers who can write schematically, quickly.' No one writes more quickly than the authors of Mills & Boon, and if, by chance, Barron uses such words as schematic and quick as euphemisms for bad or amateurish, this is not problematic either, as no one writes more ineptly than the authors of Mills & Boon. Bearing this potentially good news in mind, however, the chances of an upturn in quality appear ever dimmer, but at least now there is alternative to blaming the publisher. The fault clearly lies with the consumers and the internet. Thanks, internet.

We conclude, as we always seem to, with photographs of handsome men. 'Romance is published, written, edited, bought by women. Ninety to ninety-five percent of romance readers are women. The one exception in the industry is male cover models.' When it comes to cheap imitations of a smouldering Hugh Jackman, positioned provocatively and somewhere glamorous, in a clinch with a female equivalent of Hugh Jackman, such a stock picture can cost anywhere from $15 to $300. As to how this wide a range of price is possible Barron does not elaborate, but beauty beholders will no doubt acknowledge the vast handsomeness divide between a Hugh Jackman and a non-Hugh Jackman. Did you know that, 'Authors have even figured out what kinds of cover poses are more likely to make customers swoon?' Apparently they have, thus explaining chin-holding, finger-pointing, distance-staring, torso-bearing and crotch-emphasis that has become the standard over these last few decades of tinkering. For genuine interests on romance fiction, Harper's Magazine is willing to share Barron's investigation in exchange for a small annual fee. For a retread of what you already know, lovers are advised to stay with the one they are with. Sound wisdom, whatever disappointment that befell you this Valentine's Day.