"He wanted her. The depth of that discovery made her forget to chew her toast for a full two seconds"

For Starr and David the journey from lovestruck teenagers in love to twenty-somethings in love has been a long and arduous voyage of self-discovery and waiting an appropriate amount of time, a decade, before getting married and making hasty babies. After three chapters of Under the Millionaire's Influence there seemed little stopping the estranged lovers from rekindling their mutual passion and ending the novel in a hurried and foreseeable fashion. Author, characters and reader clearly just wanted to get all this over with, and so on a pier over-looking the ocean after a series of tedious conversations they professed their undying love for each other and hugged, happy in the knowledge their selfish reunion had brought suffering and shame on every single other character in their lives. A happy ending if ever there was one, for Starr and David, if no one else.

To reiterate, David Hamilton-Reis returns to Charleston to tend to his sickly mother, but to his puzzlement finds the old girl surprisingly sprightly and chipper. Less surprising, however, is his instant attraction to the homespun existence of Starr Cimino, the love of his life who has a house and business next door to the Hamilton-Reis estate. As chapter four begins David resolves to make some changes in his former back yard, before returning to his day job of fighting international crime and being tremendous. Firstly, he reasons, he must not become romantically involved with Starr, knowing their relationship could never find the long-term happiness both wish it could. Secondly, he has to remove those pesky Cimino's from the beach, the gypsy villains are trouble, and he knows it, not only are they leaving Starr unhappy, but they are also driving down house prices by being unfashionably poor. Thirdly, David needs to come to terms with the long-lasting effects of his emotionally-sterile upbringing, his distant father and his snobbish mother, especially if he is going to become romantically-involved with Starr.

Starr also has to deal with some of her own deep-rooted issues. Firstly, she must not immediately jump back into bed with David, because his work and his emotionally-sterile upbringing will only cause her pain eventually. Secondly, she has to wave goodbye to her birth parents once and for all, to save her business and to save herself, because the Beachcombers business is all she has. Thirdly, once she has those scuzzy gypsies gone she could allow herself to be vulnerable and honest with someone, put her past behind her and truly begin to introduce happiness into her life, meaning she could finally become romantically-involved with David and jump back into bed with him. Watching each other do anything, or even not watching each other, but simply thinking about them while absent-mindedly operating machinery, proves too much for both hero and heroine and before you can say, 'This is predictable,' they have wrapped their arms around each other and kissed longingly, fully aware of the burning desire they can feel when their aching bodies press against each other, his muscles firm and rigid, her breasts soft and perfectly-shaped.

However, Starr is able to break the embrace and return home, leaving David with a plan and an uncomfortable walk back to his mother's house. If Starr refuses to be with him because she does not want to travel the world and wait in hotels while he completes his top secret missions, he must kidnap her and coerce his new best friend, Seth Jansen, to fly them to a suitably exotic romantic getaway where they can platonically discover how wonderful it would be to marry and travel to exotic locations together. Once Starr awakens at a deserted airfield to find her belongings packed into a bag she is confused and more than a little turned on. What about her business, her step-sisters and her estranged family committing heavens knows what kind of crimes against her business and step-sisters, and who is this stranger with his own private plane? David seductively instructs her to stop asking questions and accept that she cannot escape and must abandon her responsibilities for the sake of an indulgent vacation. With Starr still haunted by a childhood plagued with abandonment crises and enforced suffering this is more than enough to leave her a little turned on.

Seth flies them to New Mexico where David and Starr sample the delights of Taos and R.C. Gorman's Navajo Gallery, before passion cannot evade them any longer and they enjoy a series of sex scenes to bulk out the second act of the novel. While taking momentary breaks from being naked with one another, David uses the opportunity to pry into Starr's troubled early life, and has her explain all those childhood traumas the reader is already aware of. Starr reveals all, both figuratively and literally, by continuing her parade of sultry nakedness. In turn, David exhibits his own sensitive side, acknowledging respect for Aunt Libby and admitting vulnerability when it comes to Starr. Could this arrogant, chauvinistic secret agent actually be empathetic and willing to suffer eventual heartbreak for sex? If so, should Starr marry him immediately and proceed to birth his babies? Though it is fulfilling, satisfying and thankless to read about, David's wooing must end, as Starr stamps a pretty, little foot and demands he return her to the pressing narrative matters of the story. If David believes he can convince her to follow him around to world with a brief holiday, surely she can prove to him the value of staying at home and mending things around the carriage house by making him go home and fix his relationship with his mother.

They drop in on David's home, where Alice Hamilton-Reis is helpfully absent, to unearth photographs of their prom night for another of Starr's memory albums. With the crafty use of casual swearing Starr teases full disclosure from David, as he tells of his oppressive upbringing, his withdrawn father and the one time he showed the young boy the back of his hand to force him into taking over the family business against David's wishes. This shocking revelation of abuse strikes a chord with Starr and inevitably leads to sex, as anything does with this pair. Shortly afterwards Starr comes to the conclusion that she loves David and always has, even though she already knew this. Meanwhile, David decides in the aftermath of the sex that he should not walk away from all this sex, so the couple are bound in eternal union. Only three nagging plot-points remain to be resolved and those are the three plot-points that Mann opened her novel with. What will happen to the Cimino family and their vagabond criminality? What will happen with David and his mother, thanks to all the psychological damage Starr has dredged up with her womanly questioning? Finally, can the lovers overcome the differences in their personalities and long-term objectives that have always managed to wreck their chances of a relationship? Has Catherine Mann left herself too much to do in the final chapter, having put off dealing with anything of significance in the opening ten?

The reader nervously delves into the novel's climax and finds that of course everything can be tied up in a neat bow and stored out of sight to never complicate the lives of the protagonists again. Alice can be kicked out of her home and sent to a retirement community where she will linger for a couple of months and then die. The Cimino Clan cannot be charged with any misdemeanours, but they certainly can be warned to stay out of Charleston, South Carolina and continue their crime spree anywhere else in the United States, just not around their daughter. Lastly, David and Starr can kiss on a pier and what used to separate them can be entirely disregarded by the author. With Alice sent to her doom the mansion is empty for youthful reinvigoration. Starr agrees to follow David on his elusive foreign missions so long as they are close to her new university course, while David agrees to occasionally come home and never discuss where he has been because of national security, possibly, we don't know, as Mann feels it unnecessary to explain the details of David's job, even though his work is fundamental to the central conflict of her novel.

Happiness came and love conquered all, from homicidal travellers, to infirmity, to child abuse, to childhood neuroses and the inability to accept love because of repressive and irresponsible parenting. Starr Cimino and David Hamilton-Reis were free to pursue marriage and the many children they will burden with their inherited emotional deficiencies. Otherwise, Catherine Mann continued with her hackneyed prose, littered with damns and darns, and ended with an incredulous conversation that implied our hero and heroine were aware of the title of the novel, as Mills & Boon foolishly toyed with meta-fiction. Who, after all, is the millionaire in this relationship and who is under whose influence? Do these questions best represent the most important elements of Under the Millionaire's Influence? The answer, naturally, is no, but when the author seems intent on abandoning the pressing aspects of their story, because there was nothing but being reasonable stopping the characters from getting together, sometimes the only way to end a novel is to change the subject and hope the reader lacks intelligence. For example, here is a video of Hugh Jackman asking a chair to dance.

"The metaphorical beer keg exploded and she didn't have a clue how to stop the spewing mess of her emotions"

The good news at reaching the end of The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal was immediately tempered with the bad news that we had only completed one of our first ever Desire 2-in-1's. How would the second compare, thematically and possibly otherwise? After all, Emilie Rose had given us a timid heroine, an arrogant millionaire, poorly-written sex scenes, misogyny, a deluded interpretation of prostitution, an exotic coastal location, and countless supporting characters for endless spin-off value. What to expect from Under the Millionaire's Influence by Catherine Mann? Would there at least be a millionaire? Well, impatient reader, your wait is over. Thank you for waiting.

There is indeed a millionaire in Under the Millionaire's Influence, and his name is David Hamilton-Reis. David is back to his exotic coastally-located home to look after his ailing mother's health. His family, the Hamilton-Reis's, are as wealthy a clan as many a Harlequin family, but David has not merely resorted to inheriting from his father and helping the business to flourish while secretly yearning to pursue his real passion of bedding virgins with matriarchal neuroses. No, David has chosen an entirely less well-paid career, as your run-of-the-mill super agent spy. Now he spends his days gallivanting across the globe, saving nations from themselves, killing undesirables, filing reports and wandering glamorous locales, shirtless and effortlessly gorgeous.

Like all millionaire families, of course, the Hamilton-Reis' live in a large, beachside mansion next door to a home for troubled youths. One such troubled youth is the inexplicably-named Starr Cimino. Starr was saved from her itinerant family of murderous gypsies and sent to live with kind Aunt Libby, although Libby was no aunt, but rather an aunt in the sense that Uncle Bewildered Heart is an uncle. There Starr met other troubled orphans, the responsible Claire, who had her romantic tale told already, and the young, intelligent accountant Ashley, who had her own novel shortly thereafter. Together the three step-sisters run Beachcombers, a beach-side restaurant and hotel. Starr lives behind the restaurant in a carriage house and harbours dreams of being an artist, making her a terrible choice for restaurateur and hotel owner.

Unfortunately for Starr and her aspirations for a life of sexless regret, her thieving travellers of parents, uncles and aunts have turned up in their RVs with mischief on their minds and David has returned to try to have sex with her, as is their custom. As teenagers Starr and David had enjoyed a serious, explicit relationship they never recovered from, emotionally and possibly otherwise. Naturally, David's mother disapproved, as any mother would of a girl named Starr Cimino, but this only fuelled the young lover's fervour. However, a life-time of wedded bliss and being sexy was not on the cards for the couple. David wanted to experience the world as the United States' least secretive secret agent spy, but Starr was tired of nomadic slaughter, having had her fill from her folks, and wanted to settle down in wherever Under the Millionaire's Influence is supposed to be set.

Yes, once again there is that classic story we have grown so sick of reading, where the woman wants a home to call her own and the man wants to shoot people for his government and sleep with beautiful ladies in fancy hotels. No amount of physical attraction and emotional retardation can overcome such stubborn personalities wanting different things and Starr and David have become no longer synonymous with each other, but rather memories in their respective back stories. That was until one year ago, though, when reuniting for vague reasons, they enjoyed a weekend of 'incredible, heart-searing sex (author's words)' until the weekend ended and they returned to their understandings of what a relationship entails. Still, no amount of physical attraction, love and emotional retardation can make David and Starr an item that will promise marriage to one another at the book's conclusion?

Yet is it possible there is a specified amount? There are only two ways to find out, reading on or not reading on. There are downsides to the preferable option of not reading on, however. How shall Starr and David contrive a way to rid the beach of Starr's family, and just what are Frederick and Gita up to? Another scam involving herbal remedies and flower-trampling, or have their ambitions grown to actual ambition and do they have something dramatic planned, because the novel could use someone doing something dramatic. What will happen with Ashley, returned from college, now Claire's husband's cousin, Seth, has also turned up to build a business and house with his bare hands, out of sheer willpower and masculinity? According to Rich Man's Fake Fiancée, not a thing.

Those Bewildered Heart loyalists, such as Bewildered Heart, may recall an encounter with one Jill Shalvis last year. By all accounts it was not a satisfactory experience, and Roughing It With Ryan had until now remained something of a novelty Mills & Boon example. However, with Catherine Mann's 2008 Desire the author has abandoned any pretence of quality and the first three chapters contain numerous unwarranted attempts at Shalvis-style eloquence, with the littering of darns and damns throughout the prose to give it a chatty, informal air. Mann does not stop there, and ineptly adds long-winded sentences where a simple description of a sand dune becomes a prompt to mention Starr's tragic childhood or sexual past with David. The reader is constantly reminded of character history, implying the majority of the action took place before Chapter One, and there is little to read about in the present. This is a typical fault of the genre, where the lovers previously shared a brief fling, a marriage, or a one night stand that resulted in pregnancy and the billionaire returning to his Greek palace.

Here David and Starr cannot be in each other's company without wanting to touch each other, believing this will inevitably lead to inappropriate public displays of pornography, which they both want, but cannot have for reasons they have no intention of knowing. Mann cleverly uses this to suggest sexual tension, as Starr's blonde, curly hair harkens back to that time David laid her on the golden sands and made love to her. Furthermore, when Starr stands in a room she cannot help but think of the time she and David made love in a room, and when fantasising about having sex with him she immediately recalls all the times she had sex with him. If this sounds hopelessly bombastic and one-note, then you share Bewildered Heart's trepidation of reading the remaining eight chapters.

The question of whether this pair can turn their mutual passion and lack of emotional depth into a successful union seems easily resolved with either David agreeing to stop travelling the world spying enigmatically, or Starr agreeing to tolerate him travelling the world spying enigmatically. This difference of opinion appears to be their only stumbling block, as it was when they were youths when the story should have taken place. How Starr's estranged relatives figure into the plotting is a mystery. Surely they cannot have resolved to change their wicked ways, and presumably they will not have the desired effect on Starr's aversion to travelling the world enigmatically, and therefore they exist solely as a complication for David to fix using willpower and masculinity, proving to Starr he is the upstanding, noble hero she has always known him to be.

This leaves us with one final issue. Will Mann continue to swear non-threateningly, and relate everything to the two central issues of the narrative without any semblance of literary expertise? You can surely bet your bottom damn dollar, damn her, that Mann won't be able to resist gossiping unceremoniously for the rest of the novel, even when she describes Starr and David making love, like all the times previously they'd made love, like that time on the bathroom sink, that had helped Starr forget all those times her parents had betrayed her and left her for dead in the back of that car with the windows rolled up on a sunny day, as sunny as when David and Starr had made love on the beach having gone for a drive, in a car, with the windows rolled down when they were mere teenagers and this loving each other conundrum was a breeze.

‘Should Rick start mixing business with romance -- and both with a baby?’

The talk of Mills & Boon titles being proof of anything has made Bewildered Heart thirsty for a romance novel with a heavy-handed title indicative of female mating interests. One of the many omissions of the scientific study was no noting of the gradual evolution the publishers have made towards ridiculous titles containing market-researched signifiers and away from the previous generation’s more artistic leanings. Nowadays there is no ambiguity in a Harlequin title, with modern monikers increasingly close to those a website such as this would invent for parody. Even our limited travels into the world of saucy fiction have thrown up names such as Finding Nick, Romantics Anonymous and Leopard in the Snow. Those don’t include the words billionaire, bride, mistress or pirate. What on earth will the female reader base her consumer wants on?

For this reason, among others that will soon become clear, we have chosen to investigate the Mills & Boon Desire 2-in-1, named 2-in-1 because there are two stories offered in one novel and not because of any sexually-explicit love triangles. In this case we have Emilie Rose’s The Millionaire’s Indecent Proposal and Under the Millionaire’s Influence by Catherine Mann, two writers challenging readers’ expectations by asking us to fall in love with millionaires when there are so many gorgeous single billionaires running amok. Best of luck, Rose and Mann. Before we tackle the stories, however, our research begins with the publisher’s description of what a Desire is.

Originally an imprint at Silhouette over a Simon & Schuster the sub-genre was bought by Harlequin in the mid-eighties and today Mills & Boon operates it solely as 2-in-1, having before that run it as Desire Double. Why is Desire only sold as two times the amount of novel at twice the price? No one seems willing to explain, but each coupling is themed, as ours is themed by millionaires and force, while others might instead use cowboy tycoons, secret babies, virgin brides, billionaires, blackmail and force. With instant appeal and obvious differences between others sub-genres aspiring authors can look to the Writing Help for further information. ‘A powerful, passionate and provocative read…guaranteed!’ it says, temptingly. All alliteration, and rhyming, aside, this is a strong start. Whereas Cherish would guarantee a gentle, loving and inoffensively bland read, Desire sets its stall out without any ado. We can only hope they don’t instantaneously become vague and contradictory in the opening paragraph.

‘Desire books are filled to the brim with strong, intense story-lines. These sensual love stories immediately involve the reader in a romantic conflict and the quest for a happily-ever-after resolution. The novels should be fresh, fast-paced and modern, presenting the hero and heroine's conflicts by the end of chapter one.’ Do you see, gentle reader, here we are offered palpable narrative instructions to help us understand the key variations that mark Desire unique, from, for example, Modern or Nocturne. Those sub-genres are stagnant, meandering and archaic, presenting tensions eventually, once the reader has bored of all the easy-going camaraderie. But who are these heroes and heroines the Author Guidelines speak of and how should we, starry-eyed writers, attempt to present our leading men, other than perhaps making them desirable?

‘The hero should be powerful, wealthy — an alpha male with a sense of entitlement, and arrogance. While he may be harsh and direct, he is never physically cruel. Beneath his alpha exterior, he displays some vulnerability, and he is capable of being saved. It's up to the heroine to get him there.’ These are the conflict seeds we have previously discussed. Firstly we introduce the hero, as conceited, believing he has the right to have sex with a woman just because he is authoritative and prosperous. However, our heroine is not attracted to those traits, though she is enamoured by his physical appearance, money and influence and thus, over the course of some two-hundred pages, she must teach him to stop being egotistical by having sex with him and acting womanly. Any further character details for those who haven’t been paying attention? ‘The Texan hero should own the ranch, not work on it, and the urban hero should be the company CEO, not a handyman.’ Indeed. Female readers will not buy A Texas Handyman’s Respectful Courting, and more fool you for even suggesting it.

Desire heroes, therefore, are much like all the other Mills & Boon heroes, with the exception of Cherish men, who, by this definition, aren’t men at all. Now, what of the protagonist, the heroine herself? ‘She is complex and flawed, strong-willed and smart, though capable of making mistakes when it comes to matters of the heart. The heroine is equally as important as the hero, if not more so. There is room for both protagonists' perspective, as long as his thoughts are centered on the heroine and their conflict. Desire novels are usually 60% heroine and 40% hero.’ Everyone understands percentages. We can expect our two upcoming Desire novels to be more women-centric than any examples from the other categories. Due to this statistical breakdown then, it is advisable to create a compelling heroine with more depth than cooing at babies in supermarkets and having frizzy hair on especially humid days, although it is most likely this is what they meant by complexities and flaws.

‘The conflict should be dramatic with such classic plot lines as revenge, secret pregnancies, marriages of convenience and reunion romances.’ Where is the implied prostitution? From the list of fairly standard soap opera clichés we can only hope marriage-of-convenience is code for live-in-mistress-but-not-prostitute-because-they-love-each-other. After all, that is a pretty classic plot line. Wannabe Mills & Boon creators should look to these suggestions for a scenario for their own ideal novel, where a couple reunite, arrange a marriage of convenience and then the heroine makes a terrible mistake in matters of her heart by getting pregnant because of the hero’s arrogant misplaced sense of entitlement, but gets revenge by falling in love with him. We can call it The Millionaire’s Blackmailed Bride’s Secret Baby Revenge. Cox and Fisher would adore that one. All we have left to learn is how many gratuitous sexual acts we will have to type.

‘Desire novels are sensual reads and a love scene or scenes are needed, but there is no set number. Rather, the level of sensuality must be appropriate to the storyline. Above all, every Silhouette Desire novel must fulfill the promise of a powerful, passionate and provocative read.’ Goodness, how helpful. With there being little discernible difference between Desire and Modern, besides a minor emphasis on the heroine, we should assume by the over-use of words such as sensual, passionate and desire, as well as the red cover, that this series will have a large story-appropriate quantity of copulation. Once you have decided your story will contain a wealthy tycoon buying a woman for cohabitation (and possibly more!) only to discover his physical attraction blossoms into genuine emotional connection you are going to need a gregarious attitude towards describing their love-making just to reach the required fifty-five thousand words.

First up for our reading pleasure is the aforementioned The Millionaire’s Indecent Proposal by Emilie Rose, part of her 2007 Monte Carlo series that included The Prince’s Ultimate Deception and The Playboy’s Passionate Pursuit, so we can comfortably assume Emilie knows what she is doing. The blurb promises passion and drama and the title hints are derivativeness. ‘Would she accept one million euros to be his mistress for a month? How could practical American Stacy Reeves say no to Franco Constantine's proposal?’ Hopefully these are the first of many deeply philosophical questions the scenario will throw up. How do women refuse money in exchange for sex? ‘The wealthy, arrogant CEO of Midas Chocolates was overwhelmingly passionate in his pursuit. Their union would be pure pleasure, but Stacy did not know Franco's offer was part of a bet.’

Intrigue, pleasure and chocolate, the dream trifecta for every lady of a certain age, but how does this differ from Modern’s The Billionaire’s Housekeeper Mistress, besides the gulf in wealth? Reading through the Writing Guidelines we are supposed to study before submitting our manuscript to the beloved publishers the only alteration should become apparent from reading on, and that shall be the focus on Stacy over Franco. This suits the story perfectly, as Franco, a millionaire who pays vast sums for call-girls, can remain suitably enigmatic, to hide his blatant sleaziness under layers of sexy mystery, while Rose can delve into Stacy’s psyche and convince the reader that her protagonist’s actions are credible. Our empathy will be vital to prevent us from falling into the trap of leading with prejudices and concluding that Stacy sounds like a hussy. Emilie Rose will presumably do this by making Franco incredibly gorgeous, charming and seductive, the offer impossible to turn down and the terms quite agreeable, thus under-mining those guarantees of passion, drama and provocation.