"Keir Dullea, Gone Tomorrow"

With the quantity in volume, unambitious marketing strategy and short shelf-life of a Mills & Boon novel in mind, the lack of a breakthrough book hardly surprises. No title from the publishing house will ever be the must-read of the summer season, clutched by commuters on trains to prove they're wise to what's cool or packed into every holiday bag for beach-reading. Nope, for a Mills & Boon author to be successful, it is a matter of saturation, rather than luck and people's desperate need to belong. This isn't to say one can't dream. Who knows who reads these novels and might one day aspire to turn a emotionally-striking story they've read into a $30 million dollar Hollywood romantic comedy? Surely if top film producers are willing to shell out small fortunes for the rights to computer games, old television shows, board games, Facebook applications and Nicholas Sparks (whatever they are), why not a Mills & Boon? Valentine's Day is just a day and that was enough of an idea for a movie. A highly lucrative movie, at that. How highly lucrative? Dunno, writing down how much money Valentine's Day grossed is depressing.

This isn't to suggest that Harlequin don't produce movies, because anyone unfortunate enough to have seen one will testify that they do. Bewildered Heart can testify to having watched such a thing. In 1995 Harlequin Books published Alicia Scott's At the Midnight Hour, and in 1995 Harlequin Films produced an adaptation of said novel, starring as the historical romantic heroine, who else, but Patsy Kensit. Before the Modern Romance category introduced modernity to Mills & Boon the majority of the company's output seems filled with clones of Jane Eyre, Rebecca and Wuthering Heights. The tales of brooding and cruel land-owners in giant country estates who hide a dark secret beneath that brooding and cruel exterior. Our feisty and determined young lady must brave harsh terrain and break through the cruel, curt broodiness of this man to learn cruelty and brooding are worth putting up with when there's a giant country estate at stake.

Sometimes there's a kid and sometimes there's an ex-wife who died mysteriously and may have been murdered. Can our plucky female lead give her heart to this insensitive bore when all clues point to the fact he murdered his first wife? Why is he so obsessed with that painting of her anyway? Is the painting haunted? No, don't be silly. Did he murder his wife? Well, you should probably be sure one way or another before you marry him. The End. At the Midnight Hour is so eerily similar to Rebecca it is almost meta-fiction parody, with At the Midnight Hour the second wife and Rebecca as Rebecca. Would that make Alicia Scott Mrs. Danvers?

It turns out, however, that the Midnight Hour's aloof and foul-tempered hero is not a killer after all and the reasons for his inhumane disposition are never explained. Some men are just cruel and distant. It's part of their charm. As noted by many Mills & Boon writers, you want your man with a little edge and mystery and what's more edgy and mysterious than a potential history of uxoricide?

Harlequin Enterprises only produced a handful of films between 1994 and 1998. Hardly enterprising, but probably for the best. Their other title was far ago in 1978, Leopard in the Snow, based upon the 1974 novel by Anne Mather. This one concerns a beautiful woman, Helen, who runs into a leopard in the snow in the English countryside. Fortunately for her the leopard has been tamed by a dashing, yet cynical, chap named Dominic Lyall. The question is, can he tame Helen? Not having read the book or seen the film, for shame!, it could be the other way around and it is Helen who has to tame Dominic, like he tamed the leopard. For example, 'Helen was relieved to find the leopard tamed, if only she could say the same for its master! Oh, did we mention that this master, Dominic, is a former racing-driver still physically and emotionally scarred from an accident years before. Because he's also that.' It's a little clunky. Dominic was played by Keir Dullea, star of 2001: A Space Odyssey and Bunny Lake is Missing, which certainly adds a little class to the proceedings. If Bewildered Heart had been in charge of the film's marketing, we would have led with his angular, yet dashing, presence. Even if we attempt to forget about Dullea for a moment, we certainly would have played down the leopard in the snow and the racing-driver stuff.

So why then do Mills & Boon authors write? Appropriately enough, it's for love. Romance novelists enjoy reading and creating stories of eternal love so much that they don't need the fame or money that comes from multimedia success. Now, when we say they love love stories, they do, but only for a month, when they move onto the next book, which is exactly the same as the previous one, but with a different name and a slightly altered appearance. These writers sound a lot like some young male weblogs we attended blogging university with.