"He wanted her. The depth of that discovery made her forget to chew her toast for a full two seconds"

For Starr and David the journey from lovestruck teenagers in love to twenty-somethings in love has been a long and arduous voyage of self-discovery and waiting an appropriate amount of time, a decade, before getting married and making hasty babies. After three chapters of Under the Millionaire's Influence there seemed little stopping the estranged lovers from rekindling their mutual passion and ending the novel in a hurried and foreseeable fashion. Author, characters and reader clearly just wanted to get all this over with, and so on a pier over-looking the ocean after a series of tedious conversations they professed their undying love for each other and hugged, happy in the knowledge their selfish reunion had brought suffering and shame on every single other character in their lives. A happy ending if ever there was one, for Starr and David, if no one else.

To reiterate, David Hamilton-Reis returns to Charleston to tend to his sickly mother, but to his puzzlement finds the old girl surprisingly sprightly and chipper. Less surprising, however, is his instant attraction to the homespun existence of Starr Cimino, the love of his life who has a house and business next door to the Hamilton-Reis estate. As chapter four begins David resolves to make some changes in his former back yard, before returning to his day job of fighting international crime and being tremendous. Firstly, he reasons, he must not become romantically involved with Starr, knowing their relationship could never find the long-term happiness both wish it could. Secondly, he has to remove those pesky Cimino's from the beach, the gypsy villains are trouble, and he knows it, not only are they leaving Starr unhappy, but they are also driving down house prices by being unfashionably poor. Thirdly, David needs to come to terms with the long-lasting effects of his emotionally-sterile upbringing, his distant father and his snobbish mother, especially if he is going to become romantically-involved with Starr.

Starr also has to deal with some of her own deep-rooted issues. Firstly, she must not immediately jump back into bed with David, because his work and his emotionally-sterile upbringing will only cause her pain eventually. Secondly, she has to wave goodbye to her birth parents once and for all, to save her business and to save herself, because the Beachcombers business is all she has. Thirdly, once she has those scuzzy gypsies gone she could allow herself to be vulnerable and honest with someone, put her past behind her and truly begin to introduce happiness into her life, meaning she could finally become romantically-involved with David and jump back into bed with him. Watching each other do anything, or even not watching each other, but simply thinking about them while absent-mindedly operating machinery, proves too much for both hero and heroine and before you can say, 'This is predictable,' they have wrapped their arms around each other and kissed longingly, fully aware of the burning desire they can feel when their aching bodies press against each other, his muscles firm and rigid, her breasts soft and perfectly-shaped.

However, Starr is able to break the embrace and return home, leaving David with a plan and an uncomfortable walk back to his mother's house. If Starr refuses to be with him because she does not want to travel the world and wait in hotels while he completes his top secret missions, he must kidnap her and coerce his new best friend, Seth Jansen, to fly them to a suitably exotic romantic getaway where they can platonically discover how wonderful it would be to marry and travel to exotic locations together. Once Starr awakens at a deserted airfield to find her belongings packed into a bag she is confused and more than a little turned on. What about her business, her step-sisters and her estranged family committing heavens knows what kind of crimes against her business and step-sisters, and who is this stranger with his own private plane? David seductively instructs her to stop asking questions and accept that she cannot escape and must abandon her responsibilities for the sake of an indulgent vacation. With Starr still haunted by a childhood plagued with abandonment crises and enforced suffering this is more than enough to leave her a little turned on.

Seth flies them to New Mexico where David and Starr sample the delights of Taos and R.C. Gorman's Navajo Gallery, before passion cannot evade them any longer and they enjoy a series of sex scenes to bulk out the second act of the novel. While taking momentary breaks from being naked with one another, David uses the opportunity to pry into Starr's troubled early life, and has her explain all those childhood traumas the reader is already aware of. Starr reveals all, both figuratively and literally, by continuing her parade of sultry nakedness. In turn, David exhibits his own sensitive side, acknowledging respect for Aunt Libby and admitting vulnerability when it comes to Starr. Could this arrogant, chauvinistic secret agent actually be empathetic and willing to suffer eventual heartbreak for sex? If so, should Starr marry him immediately and proceed to birth his babies? Though it is fulfilling, satisfying and thankless to read about, David's wooing must end, as Starr stamps a pretty, little foot and demands he return her to the pressing narrative matters of the story. If David believes he can convince her to follow him around to world with a brief holiday, surely she can prove to him the value of staying at home and mending things around the carriage house by making him go home and fix his relationship with his mother.

They drop in on David's home, where Alice Hamilton-Reis is helpfully absent, to unearth photographs of their prom night for another of Starr's memory albums. With the crafty use of casual swearing Starr teases full disclosure from David, as he tells of his oppressive upbringing, his withdrawn father and the one time he showed the young boy the back of his hand to force him into taking over the family business against David's wishes. This shocking revelation of abuse strikes a chord with Starr and inevitably leads to sex, as anything does with this pair. Shortly afterwards Starr comes to the conclusion that she loves David and always has, even though she already knew this. Meanwhile, David decides in the aftermath of the sex that he should not walk away from all this sex, so the couple are bound in eternal union. Only three nagging plot-points remain to be resolved and those are the three plot-points that Mann opened her novel with. What will happen to the Cimino family and their vagabond criminality? What will happen with David and his mother, thanks to all the psychological damage Starr has dredged up with her womanly questioning? Finally, can the lovers overcome the differences in their personalities and long-term objectives that have always managed to wreck their chances of a relationship? Has Catherine Mann left herself too much to do in the final chapter, having put off dealing with anything of significance in the opening ten?

The reader nervously delves into the novel's climax and finds that of course everything can be tied up in a neat bow and stored out of sight to never complicate the lives of the protagonists again. Alice can be kicked out of her home and sent to a retirement community where she will linger for a couple of months and then die. The Cimino Clan cannot be charged with any misdemeanours, but they certainly can be warned to stay out of Charleston, South Carolina and continue their crime spree anywhere else in the United States, just not around their daughter. Lastly, David and Starr can kiss on a pier and what used to separate them can be entirely disregarded by the author. With Alice sent to her doom the mansion is empty for youthful reinvigoration. Starr agrees to follow David on his elusive foreign missions so long as they are close to her new university course, while David agrees to occasionally come home and never discuss where he has been because of national security, possibly, we don't know, as Mann feels it unnecessary to explain the details of David's job, even though his work is fundamental to the central conflict of her novel.

Happiness came and love conquered all, from homicidal travellers, to infirmity, to child abuse, to childhood neuroses and the inability to accept love because of repressive and irresponsible parenting. Starr Cimino and David Hamilton-Reis were free to pursue marriage and the many children they will burden with their inherited emotional deficiencies. Otherwise, Catherine Mann continued with her hackneyed prose, littered with damns and darns, and ended with an incredulous conversation that implied our hero and heroine were aware of the title of the novel, as Mills & Boon foolishly toyed with meta-fiction. Who, after all, is the millionaire in this relationship and who is under whose influence? Do these questions best represent the most important elements of Under the Millionaire's Influence? The answer, naturally, is no, but when the author seems intent on abandoning the pressing aspects of their story, because there was nothing but being reasonable stopping the characters from getting together, sometimes the only way to end a novel is to change the subject and hope the reader lacks intelligence. For example, here is a video of Hugh Jackman asking a chair to dance.

"He shuddered even though there wasn't an air conditioner or fan in sight"

Mills & Boon has mustered all the pride they can manage for their product to announce this year's New Voices competition. For the first time in quite some time the publisher has made the newspaper headlines for non-detrimental reasons. Enough with the destructive qualities of their work, enough with the psychologically-traumatised women who only wished to read a nice, relaxing novel, but wound up cracking up and complaining their own husband wasn't named Buck Rodriguez. It is time Harlequin reached out and attempted to procure a few more admirers and writers to eventually psychologically-traumatise. New Voices sets out to discover the next big thing in romance authorship, where a judging panel and the public combine to vote on best opening chapters, second chapters and third chapters featuring a pivotal moment involving said characters, where presumably the heroine is horrified to learn that the gorgeous Hispanic stranger carrying her dog up a flight of stairs and the ruthless property developer determined to tear down her beloved former high school gymnasium are one and the same. Uh oh, Buck Rodriguez!

As we have learned many times before and proven in the previous paragraph, dreaming up romance scenarios is simple, but for those potential competition entrants still unsure how to proceed The Independent on Sunday has written a Blagger's Guide to Writing a Mills & Boon Novel, in order to help improve your chances of landing the coveted winner's spot. From the previous year's eight hundred entries, the champion, Leah Ashton, and two runners-up, Lucy Ellis and Louisa George, will, or have already seen, their efforts published. Who shall it be this time? Well, tempted yet trepidatious reader, have no worries as Bewildered Heart and, to a lesser extent, a national newspaper are here to help.

Let us begin with how New Voices works. First, authors submit their three chapters before the closing date of October tenth, and the judges select a short-list, from which Mills & Boon fans can read and vote for their favourites on the Romance is Not Dead website. The initial twenty authors chosen will be given a romance mentor to improve their decisive second and third chapters. From there four finalists will be singled out, and the eventual victor shall be announced from those four by the beginning of November. This lucky writer will be rewarded with a year working closely with a Mills & Boon editor, as she or he completes the remainder of the manuscript, which will then be published, to coincide with next year's event, and then forgotten about almost immediately.

The Independent, sensing further help was needed, sought the wisdom of Penny Jordan, who has been churning out romance fiction for over twenty-five years, selling ninety million copies of her one hundred and seventy books. If ever there was someone who might be able to offer valuable insights, it would be Penny Jordan, and so she did, revealing the five top tips of writing romance that only a professional romance writer would know, and that the rest of us could merely hopelessly guess at, mourning the inadequacies of our feeble brains.

Number One, 'Grab the reader's attention in the first line and introduce the hero and heroine by the end of the first page,' says Jordan, making a solid beginning to explain the importance of solid beginnings. Make the reader know they are reading from the outset. There is nothing worse than being thirty pages into a book before you realise it is a book you are staring at. Do not allow your target audience to gaze absent-mindedly at the words you have written. Have your words stand out and demand attention, possibly by utilising bold or a large font size for your novel's first letter. With your hero and heroine meeting within the opening few pages you have set up your story's focal point, these two characters have been brought together through fate and shall be kept together by plot contrivance, until they come to the inevitable conclusion there is no escape and agree to marry one another.

Number Two, 'Convincing dialogue is crucial. Speak it out loud to make sure that it sounds right and flows easily.' Do not let every Mills & Boon book fool you into thinking that cringe-worthy, unlikely dialogue is acceptable, because according to Penny Jordan, it is not acceptable. Reading it out loud is decent advice, however, although her statement needs amending with an appendage. After you have penned your believable dialogue for your incredulous series of ridiculous situations read it out loud quietly, and make sure no one is around who might be able to hear you.

Number Three, 'Sex = Sensuality, Emotion and a certain amount of X factor. Balance the physical aspects of any sex scenes with the emotional intensity of what the characters are feeling.' There were we thinking that Sex = No Sex + Lady, when the correct equation is in fact Sex = (Sensuality + Emotion) x X Factor. Who knew Mills & Boon authors could only think carnally through the use of technical sums? When Bewildered Heart becomes an old enough blog to discuss how to write a sex scene we will hope to explain how to put into practise the lessons Penny Jordan has tried to teach us. Until then, let us assume that emotional intensity means the heroine and hero react to love-making with intense emotions, resulting in some sort of conclusion that renders them emotionally drained, naked and sleepy. However, there is little need to worry about explicit desires as of yet, because you are still only completing your opening chapter and none of your characters should be doing anything more than denying their emotions at this point.

Number Four, 'There must be a strong element of conflict between the heroine and the hero, but they will come to value their love more than their differences. Restrict the plot to the hero and heroine; there is little room for secondary characters in a story of 50,000 words.' Ah, the unwritten Mills & Boon formula and how everyone understands it, while rejecting its very existence. Occasionally, and increasingly commonly, the structure hopes to resolve these conflicts through an emotional arc, where the differences that would at first have prohibited a relationship are conquered with each character teaching the other an important lesson, helping them get over their arrogance, shyness, neuroses, self-doubt or body issues. In Wild Child by Cindi Myers Drew and Sara had to overcome their utter stupidity and literal distance by accepting their idiotic behaviour and also one of them moving. Whereas in Cathy Williams' Bedded at the Billionaire's Convenience Georgie helped Pierre relax his attitude toward business, money and intelligent women while he taught her the joy of responsibilities by impregnating her with a baby.

Number Five, 'Believe in your characters, let them take over.' Not so much as to blur the line between reality and fantasy, mind, as we have already explained that kind of mental breakdown should only occur in the minds of your readers, but this standard piece of advice suggests writing a romance novel is not a short-lived whim, or a joke between friends, but actually a long-term commitment and consuming passion. You must love the genre and throw yourself fully into the act of reading and writing, conjuring up a man you would love to run into one day whilst walking past his luxurious mansion and a heroine you would be proud to call your friend. They must be real, credible and the perfect fit not only for one another, but also for your book. Of course, The Blagger's Guide and Mills & Boon have only given us one month before the deadline of their competition, so for the sake of saving time and getting on with writing this last one is probably best glossing over until you have finished.

"I had a talent, something that set me apart from all the other girls"

The Festival of Romance is the United Kingdom's only festival dedicated to romance fiction. There authors, readers and the occasional pollster can mingle and discuss their genre of choice. Ahead of this October's event the organisers have given romance writers a brief questionnaire, hoping for an insight into the minds of the women who write books about women falling in love with muscular, confident billionaires with full heads of hair and gloriously thick eyelashes. A series of characteristics were presented and the novelists then asked to rate the importance of each in their ideal partner. How would wealth, paternal feelings, love-making abilities and willingness to communicate honestly feature alongside such certainties as physique, dress sense and misogyny?

Each author was given a balanced list of personality traits and invited to score them as either Essential, Desirable or Not Important. Those most widely agreed upon were taken as gospel and will soon appear in your future romance heroes, as well as all those calculating men who read this weblog for helpful hints for dating game improvement. Do you have a pen and paper or computer nearby? If so, results are in. The essentials every male must provide are loyalty, honesty, personal hygiene, kindness, sense of humour, intelligence and principles. Preferred, but optional, are weight, bedroom skills, height, self-confidence and attractiveness. Finally, there were the choices that women deemed entirely irrelevant, such as the man's car, his religious and political persuasions, and his social and financial standings. What, no cooing at babies in supermarkets, eyelashes that flutter in the gentle breeze, enigmatic gift-buying, Hugh Jackman-similarity, steely blue eyes, Mediterranean descent, or pasts shrouded in secrecy? Nothing of his career as CEO or mysterious tycoon, and no mention of worthwhile credentials such as romantic, divorced or cool with feminism. What the hell, novelists?

The findings are eye-opening, but largely meaningless, as romance authors knew their answers would be collected and then released onto this world web and copied into newspapers, blogs and college theses. Because of this many of the more obvious buzzwords such as loyalty, honesty and kindness can be easily dismissed for a variety of reasons. What sort of woman would willingly choose a cruel, unfaithful liar, despite the quality of his car and wicked wit? Furthermore, sense of humour and intelligence can be discounted with similar reasoning. The essentials feature heavily in the creation of a Harlequin hero, and even more so in modern chick-lit. However, it is peculiar to see principles rated so highly and yet religious and political persuasions barely considered, as if the women taking part in the poll were not clear what some of those words might have meant. Personal hygiene, though, is something of a stand-out among the other imperative ingredients in husband material, but when you are fruitlessly searching for eyelash thickness and no sign of male pattern baldness perhaps personal hygiene could be considered an appropriate euphemism.

As expected of a survey where those taking part are likely to lie despite their exultation of honesty, categories such as wealth and social standing were not only not considered desirable, but in fact thought unimportant, again suggesting some confusion over the meaning of the word desirable. For this statement to be treated credibly, however, there would surely be clues found in romantic literature. Typically a heroine sees material success in her man as inconsequential to their spiritual value, yet an evolutionary study of romance titles found prosperity is regarded as highly appealing for the benefit of the welfare of the heroine and the couple's eventual children. Where a consensus formed the choices were usually predictable. Ninety-one per cent of the fifty-eight authors polled said loyalty was essential, and seventy-nine per cent agreed that a good car was not a deal-breaking factor. Curiously, however, a handful of options do not show up in the results under any category, implying split opinion over such qualities as loving his family, loving animals, being adventurous, owning property, showing a sensitive nature and being able to fix the computer and connecting the television to the DVD player.

Following on from whatever the first part of the poll was supposed to accomplish, the Romance Festival continued on to pose some serious questions. Once the day-dreaming was completed, the writers were queried over their beliefs toward notions of eternal love, whether men have become more sensitive in recent years and whether anyone wishes to share their own memories of having their heart ripped from their chest and trampled upon, figuratively-speaking. Surprisingly, eighty-six per cent of a small selection of romance writers admitted to being romantic at heart, although half of them confessed to having been disappointed in love. Still, the majority proved themselves modern and progressive, saying marriage was not the only way to declare love, and accepting that eternal love is something of a myth. However, many said they retained hope of finding life partners, which while showing faith in love, does not show a keen understanding of the concept of eternity. Sixty-four per cent said the best chance of finding romance was between the pages of one of their books, although they would say that, wouldn't they? They are shameless self-publicists even in anonymous online questionnaires, each and sixty-four per cent of them.

With the writers out of the way the Festival of Romance can move on to the thoughts of the public, and invites anyone, including yourself, gentle reader, to take part in the same discussion and see if we are that different from professional romantics. A week remains before polling is closed and the results stand, forever defining the attributes of the ideal partner, so time is not the only matter of utmost importance. 'The Festival of Romance is calling on the nation's women to let the novelists know what they think makes the perfect man,' says event organiser and novelist Kate Allan. 'This vital poll could change the way that romantic novels are written!' You heard the lady, Bewildered Hearts. If enough of you make Technology Literate an essential requirement of the perfect man perhaps we can at last see an internet blogger into the world of romantic heroism. Failing that we can still achieve the less ambitious aim of changing the way romantic novels are written.

"The metaphorical beer keg exploded and she didn't have a clue how to stop the spewing mess of her emotions"

The good news at reaching the end of The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal was immediately tempered with the bad news that we had only completed one of our first ever Desire 2-in-1's. How would the second compare, thematically and possibly otherwise? After all, Emilie Rose had given us a timid heroine, an arrogant millionaire, poorly-written sex scenes, misogyny, a deluded interpretation of prostitution, an exotic coastal location, and countless supporting characters for endless spin-off value. What to expect from Under the Millionaire's Influence by Catherine Mann? Would there at least be a millionaire? Well, impatient reader, your wait is over. Thank you for waiting.

There is indeed a millionaire in Under the Millionaire's Influence, and his name is David Hamilton-Reis. David is back to his exotic coastally-located home to look after his ailing mother's health. His family, the Hamilton-Reis's, are as wealthy a clan as many a Harlequin family, but David has not merely resorted to inheriting from his father and helping the business to flourish while secretly yearning to pursue his real passion of bedding virgins with matriarchal neuroses. No, David has chosen an entirely less well-paid career, as your run-of-the-mill super agent spy. Now he spends his days gallivanting across the globe, saving nations from themselves, killing undesirables, filing reports and wandering glamorous locales, shirtless and effortlessly gorgeous.

Like all millionaire families, of course, the Hamilton-Reis' live in a large, beachside mansion next door to a home for troubled youths. One such troubled youth is the inexplicably-named Starr Cimino. Starr was saved from her itinerant family of murderous gypsies and sent to live with kind Aunt Libby, although Libby was no aunt, but rather an aunt in the sense that Uncle Bewildered Heart is an uncle. There Starr met other troubled orphans, the responsible Claire, who had her romantic tale told already, and the young, intelligent accountant Ashley, who had her own novel shortly thereafter. Together the three step-sisters run Beachcombers, a beach-side restaurant and hotel. Starr lives behind the restaurant in a carriage house and harbours dreams of being an artist, making her a terrible choice for restaurateur and hotel owner.

Unfortunately for Starr and her aspirations for a life of sexless regret, her thieving travellers of parents, uncles and aunts have turned up in their RVs with mischief on their minds and David has returned to try to have sex with her, as is their custom. As teenagers Starr and David had enjoyed a serious, explicit relationship they never recovered from, emotionally and possibly otherwise. Naturally, David's mother disapproved, as any mother would of a girl named Starr Cimino, but this only fuelled the young lover's fervour. However, a life-time of wedded bliss and being sexy was not on the cards for the couple. David wanted to experience the world as the United States' least secretive secret agent spy, but Starr was tired of nomadic slaughter, having had her fill from her folks, and wanted to settle down in wherever Under the Millionaire's Influence is supposed to be set.

Yes, once again there is that classic story we have grown so sick of reading, where the woman wants a home to call her own and the man wants to shoot people for his government and sleep with beautiful ladies in fancy hotels. No amount of physical attraction and emotional retardation can overcome such stubborn personalities wanting different things and Starr and David have become no longer synonymous with each other, but rather memories in their respective back stories. That was until one year ago, though, when reuniting for vague reasons, they enjoyed a weekend of 'incredible, heart-searing sex (author's words)' until the weekend ended and they returned to their understandings of what a relationship entails. Still, no amount of physical attraction, love and emotional retardation can make David and Starr an item that will promise marriage to one another at the book's conclusion?

Yet is it possible there is a specified amount? There are only two ways to find out, reading on or not reading on. There are downsides to the preferable option of not reading on, however. How shall Starr and David contrive a way to rid the beach of Starr's family, and just what are Frederick and Gita up to? Another scam involving herbal remedies and flower-trampling, or have their ambitions grown to actual ambition and do they have something dramatic planned, because the novel could use someone doing something dramatic. What will happen with Ashley, returned from college, now Claire's husband's cousin, Seth, has also turned up to build a business and house with his bare hands, out of sheer willpower and masculinity? According to Rich Man's Fake Fiancée, not a thing.

Those Bewildered Heart loyalists, such as Bewildered Heart, may recall an encounter with one Jill Shalvis last year. By all accounts it was not a satisfactory experience, and Roughing It With Ryan had until now remained something of a novelty Mills & Boon example. However, with Catherine Mann's 2008 Desire the author has abandoned any pretence of quality and the first three chapters contain numerous unwarranted attempts at Shalvis-style eloquence, with the littering of darns and damns throughout the prose to give it a chatty, informal air. Mann does not stop there, and ineptly adds long-winded sentences where a simple description of a sand dune becomes a prompt to mention Starr's tragic childhood or sexual past with David. The reader is constantly reminded of character history, implying the majority of the action took place before Chapter One, and there is little to read about in the present. This is a typical fault of the genre, where the lovers previously shared a brief fling, a marriage, or a one night stand that resulted in pregnancy and the billionaire returning to his Greek palace.

Here David and Starr cannot be in each other's company without wanting to touch each other, believing this will inevitably lead to inappropriate public displays of pornography, which they both want, but cannot have for reasons they have no intention of knowing. Mann cleverly uses this to suggest sexual tension, as Starr's blonde, curly hair harkens back to that time David laid her on the golden sands and made love to her. Furthermore, when Starr stands in a room she cannot help but think of the time she and David made love in a room, and when fantasising about having sex with him she immediately recalls all the times she had sex with him. If this sounds hopelessly bombastic and one-note, then you share Bewildered Heart's trepidation of reading the remaining eight chapters.

The question of whether this pair can turn their mutual passion and lack of emotional depth into a successful union seems easily resolved with either David agreeing to stop travelling the world spying enigmatically, or Starr agreeing to tolerate him travelling the world spying enigmatically. This difference of opinion appears to be their only stumbling block, as it was when they were youths when the story should have taken place. How Starr's estranged relatives figure into the plotting is a mystery. Surely they cannot have resolved to change their wicked ways, and presumably they will not have the desired effect on Starr's aversion to travelling the world enigmatically, and therefore they exist solely as a complication for David to fix using willpower and masculinity, proving to Starr he is the upstanding, noble hero she has always known him to be.

This leaves us with one final issue. Will Mann continue to swear non-threateningly, and relate everything to the two central issues of the narrative without any semblance of literary expertise? You can surely bet your bottom damn dollar, damn her, that Mann won't be able to resist gossiping unceremoniously for the rest of the novel, even when she describes Starr and David making love, like all the times previously they'd made love, like that time on the bathroom sink, that had helped Starr forget all those times her parents had betrayed her and left her for dead in the back of that car with the windows rolled up on a sunny day, as sunny as when David and Starr had made love on the beach having gone for a drive, in a car, with the windows rolled down when they were mere teenagers and this loving each other conundrum was a breeze.