“Her paint was fresh and blindingly white, her trim hot and sassy red”

Once an aspiring romance author has created their two conflicted characters and spun a tale involving mistaken identity, a lucrative art collection and an unsettling wager between a controlling misogynistic and a desperate student moonlighting as a hotel maid, they must move onto the task of spending the first paragraph using words to describe locations. With their novel coming together as almost started there is one final skill left to master, the mysterious mistress named dialogue. For more on this subject we turn to our trusted source, Secrets Uncovered, to find Flo Nicoll talking the good talk. Now, Flo, why should writers use dialogue at all? 'It keeps the text alive, creates pace and flavour, allows good insight into character, shows how the hero and heroine are communicating and most importantly, shows the developing dynamic of the central relationship.' Nothing is more indispensable to a prospective relationship than communication, besides money and physical attraction, and is there a better way for your characters to communicate than through communication? Mills & Boon wisely believes not, and therefore they fully endorse dialogue as the only means to this end. Without it writing drags along at an interminable speed with no old-fashioned seasoning or exotic spice, and then dies an agonising death, drowning in the shallow end of a rancid swimming pool somewhere no one holidays.

Furthermore, dialogue allows the novelist to commit to the key tenet of writing, to show and not tell. 'There’s no point telling readers about the sparks flying if they haven’t seen them in action,' explains Flo. While numerous examples of Harlequin Romances seem to contradict this suggestion, there is no greater lesson to be learned from reading Secrets Uncovered than reading Secrets Uncovered is more beneficial than reading the books they are helping you to write. The guidebook continues with the following golden rule, so read on carefully. 'Dialogue needs to be character-appropriate – if your heroine’s Little Miss Prim, would she really start talking dirty in the bedroom? So, work on channelling your in-depth knowledge of your hero and heroine into their speech.' Assuming you have decided to give your protagonists personalities you can then shed light on their thoughts and feelings through what they choose to discuss while having sex.

Even though Secrets Uncovered seems to think it has covered this topic comprehensively, the obvious importance of dialogue forces us to turn elsewhere for additional information. Where more suitable than The Art of Romance Writing, by Valerie Parv? 'If you have to struggle to write dialogue, it may be because you're overlooking the work the dialogue has to do. Far from being idle chatter which breaks up the narrative, dialogue has to help to tell a story.' Anything that does not assist in moving the narrative forward should be left on the writing room floor, but deep meaning can be loaded into a seemingly banal conversation about absent fathers or blackmail etiquette. Thus dialogue can become a tool of great subtlety in a genre of storytelling devoid of nuance and perception. The wisdom of The Art of Romance Writing teaches every aspiring author to have a clear idea of what they hope to achieve from every scene, building credibility into sequences through a pinpoint understanding of the characters who are speaking. After all, would a romantic hero and heroine really talk honestly and openly when they are denying their heartfelt desires because he had only paid her for attachment-free sex, or she were only using him to get free medical treatment for her disease-ridden nephew?

According to another Mills & Boon package, And Then He Kissed Her..., dialogue is capable of achieving five crucial objectives, all of which stand alone and in no way contradict due to their vague and empty rhetoric. Number One, Claim Reader Attention and Set the Story in Motion. Much like every other facet of writing a novelist must use any available tactic to sucker their audience in and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that this is a book where things will happen and now they have started following the words on the page they are obligated to keep doing so until there are no more words. Number Two, Allow the Characters to Reveal Themselves. So often the two main players of a romance reveal themselves through ham-fisted interior monologue and while Mills & Boon says this is acceptable it is probably not. Retain the secrets of your enigmatic billionaire for as long as possible through short, non-committal sentences and eyelash movement, while allowing him to maintain dignity as a human man, who always infuriates women by not describing what he is thinking. Your heroine and your readers will tolerate this because the man in question is handsome, muscular and wealthy, and will enjoy the slow drip-feed of intriguing disclosures about just how handsome, muscular and wealthy he truly is.

Number Three, Provide Information. Such as, who is this tycoon and why is he carrying the heroine towards a small commuter plane? How did he make his money? Why is he intent on breaking up a wedding and does he use a special moisturiser and a curler on his eyelashes? Remember to be cautious with your concept, gentle writer, as the more indistinct and ludicrous the opening chapter the more your heroine will have to talk about during those troublesome middle eight chapters. Your publisher is likely to explain every detail in the blurb and what cannot be assumed from the cover photograph can be pieced together through experience, so hold a shock or two back to allow the second one hundred pages to fly by.

Number Four, Add Pace and Tension, Create Emotional Mood. Naturally these two pithy ideas fit under the same heading because this fourth objective points to writing technique, while the previous three suggestions were idiotic. Dialogue allows for numerous possibilities, but it is important to choose your moments intelligently. A poignant, touching conversation can be achieved solely through speech marks and occasional references to moonlight or Mariachi music playing softly from the distant valley. Equally, a bitter argument of unanswered questions and desperate measures can create empathy and compelling antagonism, the Mexican band closer now, their fingers faster on their strings, a lone singer's voice haunting in the sultry night air.

Finally Number Five, Move the Story Along. Harlequin Romances have a tendency to skimp on action, and as a result stilted dialogue and emotional resonance take centre stage, much to the chagrin of the reader, keen for excitement and believable conclusions. Once a story has been decided, with enough turns and revelations to justify its telling, dialogue can play a role in feeding narrative exposition and character secrets, working well when juxtaposed with a twisting plot of strong moral dilemmas and life-altering decisions. While Secrets Uncovered, The Art of Romance Writing and And Then He Kissed Her... all fail to mention this explicitly, we can assume it was a message similar to this that they were attempting to explain. The final quality check is in reading your dialogue out loud, assuming a dashing Mediterranean accent and two arched eyebrows, arrogantly admiring your startled cat's curvaceous form with devastating diligence, before taking a sip of your third glass of wine and making a short and non-committal put-down about dress length. If it sounds like something a Mills & Boon alpha male would say then you can smile daintily at the cat and respond with a feisty quip that hints at a nurturing nature.

“Lighted mirror, long counter, padded stool, clothes rack. And God bless America, a neat sofa”

The second part of The MacGregor Grooms concerns the playboy and professional boat owner Duncan Blade, son of Serena MacGregor and Justin Blade, and brother of Amelia, Gwendolyn and, who can forget, 'Mac' MacGregor. For Daniel Duncan, their alcoholic loon of a grandfather, Duncan is his spiritual successor, because they share a love of cigars, drinking and gambling. However, The MacGregor has come to the conclusion he comes to with everyone eventually, and so it is about time Duncan settled down and married someone who also isn't interested in marriage and settling down, because without a family the passing of time is another variation of loneliness, as that great philosopher Nora Roberts once wrote. Therefore off we go to the Mississippi and the classic riverboat the Comanche Princess, a suspiciously successful riverboat so named because Duncan is of Native American blood and has a thing for princesses, possibly. It matters not, as they set sail from St. Louis all the way to New Orleans, with stops at Memphis and Natchez, both locations which may well exist.

With the vessel as loaded as the dice, Duncan awaits one crew-member, the glamorous lounge singer Catherine Farrell. Naturally Catherine (Cat to her friends. Hi, Cat!) is late, over a day late, in fact, and Duncan's patience has run as dry as the ginger ale. Then, to further complicate matters, a teenager in a disgusting baseball cap tries to stow aboard. Duncan won't stand for such behaviour, but is struck by this under-age girl's sexy body and emerald green eyes. Uh oh, Duncan, you're not in Mississippi yet. He need not worry, because this woman is no child, but in fact Cat Farrell, the of age glamorous lounge singer with a sexy body it is socially acceptable to slobber over. He ushers her onto his potentially metaphorical boat, and Cat doesn't have to be a yachtsman, slush or amateur architect to be impressed by the traditional décor, modern casino and free food. She would also have to be blind or a lesbian not to be impressed by the dashing, flirtatious Duncan Blade, with his head of hair, cheekbones and sexual confidence. Fortunately for Cat she is neither blind nor a lesbian, and as previously alluded to she is a lounge singer with no interest in sailing or booze. Soon the intense chemistry has hero, heroine and author unable to describe anything in their interior monologues without referring to body parts. Roberts uses the opportunity to display her virtuoso skills at lively dialogue as Duncan says, 'Sometimes you have to go down before you go up.' Oh boy, isn't it hot in here?

If Duncan was aroused when walking in to Cat's dressing room and finding her naked, that was no match to hearing her sing on stage in a single spotlight practically naked. He is smitten, in a way only red-blooded, extroverted billionaires can be smitten, and invites her to his office for some bottled water, biographical information and sex. They begin with bottled water and things move swiftly from there. Between passionate kisses Duncan boldly propositions her to let herself into his cabin after that evening's performance for additional connection. Having equated him to the intentional act of killing oneself Cat hurries to the door. Their chemistry is bubbling over too quickly, as only moments earlier she had ruled out sleeping with her boss and now she is about to sleep with her boss in exchange for career help. Still, if she didn't want to go to his cabin that evening then kissing him, being attracted to him and falling in love with him were obvious miscalculations for that so often flawless Southern logic. She returns below deck to indulge her healthy appetite for gratis meals, leaving Duncan to temper his arousal in ways more becoming of a gentleman. He is happy, therefore, to hear from his grandfather, but Duncan instantly smells a rat in The MacGregor's casual enquiry of Catherine Mary Farrell. To throw a proverbial gremlin into the matchmaking system Duncan invents an engagement between Cat and her piano player and hey presto!, the game is afoot.

Nevertheless, for all of Daniel Duncan's meddling and Duncan Junior's canny recognition of being played Nora Roberts has created little conflict for her hero and heroine to overcome. The end of third chapter twist is deceitful, a cynical ploy to get The MacGregor and The MacGregor's wife on the boat to see for themselves the predictable conclusion to events as Duncan takes Cat in full view of the poop deck. Part Two of The MacGregor Grooms is as tame and inconsequential as Part One, with little to differentiate the archetypal players of both stories. DC and Duncan share more than a first initial, and represent the standard alpha male readers readily devour. Duncan enjoys the high life and numerous vices, but he has fashioned a successful life for himself which affords him endless opportunities to make money whilst indulging his numerous vices. One such hobby is beautiful, ravishing women and Cat fits the bill perfectly. Not only is she attractive, but she is available and nearby, two of the necessary qualities men look for when they aren't fleshed out enough to have a type.

Without either having discernible personalities it is easy to assume Duncan and Cat have much in common. Perhaps they do, but what remains most ideal about the heroine is that marrying her will not force the hero into altering his lifestyle. DC required a little domesticity and a haircut, thus Layna enjoyed tidying and would have had scissors somewhere, but Duncan has no charming characteristics he will need to sacrifice to become an honest man. Catherine Farrell, meanwhile, is largely at odds with the straight-laced businesswoman Layna, as much as Layna was with DC. Cat and Duncan are like-minded hedonists, eager to copulate with no strings attached. While DC had to wear down Layna's prim exterior for the nymphomaniac beneath, Cat has a handful of moral qualms about romantic involvement with her employer and a chip on her shoulder borne from her squalid upbringing on the mean streets of Chicago. These, however, are minor hindrances and immediately over-looked in the handsome face of swagger and cash inducements.

The novella format offers Roberts a chance to cut through the usual conflicts and contrivances that scupper fifty-thousand-word Harlequin romances and concentrate instead on the highlights of a couple falling in love against their better judgement. The author attempts to compensate for a lack of drama, tension and narrative nuance with a rush to physical contact, sob story and kiss, hoping the reader will appreciate punchy prose and characters who know what they want and aren't interested in waiting. Nevertheless, if Roberts was concerned with realism Duncan's tale would be finished already and The MacGregor would be staving off the spectre of death by drunkenly pawing over his family tree for loose limbs. Instead he is needlessly headed for the Mississippi River for his cameo appearance. When he and Anna arrive they will find another grandchild in love and refusing to admit it, but they have seen this all before and emotional denial has no defence against a stubborn pensioner with whiskey on his breath and mischief in his mind. This time, Roberts will argue, The MacGregor maybe powerless, because it is not Duncan who needs manipulating, but Catherine, and how do you convince a woman in love that she is in love with the man she is in love with? Nora has only six chapters remaining and as the third closes to the sound of the hero's smug laughter Roberts has exhausted a credible amount of reticence. What to write for sixty pages? There simply aren't enough nautical phrases in the offing to tide us over.

“That must have been a mouse she felt in his pocket when he pulled her into that sloppy kiss”

Following on from Secrets Uncovered's discussion on opening chapters and cursed clichés, they move onto a different, but equally essential, first that is often riddled with clichés, the first time hero presses his lips against those of the heroine, melting her contempt and hostility into a womanly puddle of romantic fantasy. There are key incidents in a fictional relationship that must be realised credibly, compellingly and sometimes misogynistically to help a novel soar from being the work of an author with little knowledge of a good kiss to a book betrayed by poor plotting, lifeless characters and hackneyed dialogue, but with a really great scene of lip-locking about five chapters into it. Yet how do aspiring writers make the exchange of saliva sexy, exciting and not in the least bit disgusting? Fortunately, the editors of Mills & Boon are happy to offer the kind of advice we have grown accustomed to being disappointed by. 'Have you ever wondered why some first kisses leave you cold, while others are page-turningly, stomach-flippingly wonderful? Well we at Romance HQ have!' What a coincidence, because Bewildered Heart had just been thinking the same thing, so who knows how many others will also have been slightly curious for the sake of having something new to write about.

Now then, Anna Boatman, what is first and therefore most important? 'First, and most importantly - let the tension build! Anticipation is the key, and without it any kiss can never be more than a simple physical act. Compare kissing the man at the end of a first date who you quite like, to finally getting to kiss the man you’ve been fantasising about since you first saw him by the photocopier!' There is nothing more erotic than a billionaire tycoon who reproduces his own billionaire business papers, pushing those buttons, closing the lid and then perhaps running a hand through his luscious hair as the machine makes those illicit beeps and whirrs. What happens when the photocopier runs low on paper and toner, and he casually walks into the stationary cupboard? Go to him, Anna Boatman, you can punch the staple in his unruly pile of documents. 'By the time those lips come together, your readers should be absolutely desperate for the kiss and virtually able to hear the hero and heroine’s hearts pounding!' Quite right, and contractually relevant, as there is no going back once hero has kissed heroine and found her to taste just as she smells, looks and acts in social situations, of strawberries and with a hint of resentment. It is a combination no photocopier repairman can resist.

Nevertheless, there is no going back for the chosen couple once their novel has begun let alone once they have made out, or discovered their true identities, or discussed the shared tragedy of own back-stories over herbal tea onboard a private jet headed towards a Portuguese principality. While teasing may heighten temptations and eat up the word count, the act must also offer additional insight beyond revealing their physical infatuation is symptomatic of their emotional connection. 'Make the kiss characteristic. Since a great first kiss is the natural result of all the simmering tension between your hero and heroine, make sure that the moment itself reflects the dynamic you’ve been building.' Unlike the softcore pornography Mills & Boon is equated to, by those who have foolishly dedicated their time to pointing out comparisons between softcore pornography and Mills & Boon, the kiss and the sex scene sure to follow should drive the story forward, allowing the journeys of the characters to develop. While the kiss can never be anything less than ideal it does allow the author to challenge the protagonists expectations, as long as this has been foreshadowed by the narrative. Readers demand meaning behind every action and slip of the tongue. 'A kiss is much more than two sets of lips meeting - or it should be! A proper kiss, the kind of kiss that gave the Little Mermaid her voice back, gains its emotional power from its implications. To make the moment unforgettable, show your readers that for both characters, even if they don’t consciously realise it at the time, their first kiss means that nothing in their lives will ever be the same!'

For all her romantic bluster Anna Boatman forgets one pressing concern. Typically this transitory flash of passion occurs relatively early in the structure. For example, the standard Mills & Boon will take place over the course of anywhere between twelve and fifteen chapters, with the first kiss taking place slightly before the midway point. With the wheels of true love set firmly in motion therefore an author has a troublesome thirty-thousand words left to write, with only the promise of two sex scenes to bulk the remainder of their story. Does Secrets Uncovered cater for this glaring problem? ''Take your time with this scene, give it the attention it deserves and you’ll be rewarded with a kiss that does proper justice to your characters.' Anyone reading that can only possibly take it as a No, and for that reason all the points before it are rendered devoid of value. For the majority of Mills & Boon authors the first kiss is a scene of great significance for the reader, but only to the characters for the period of contact. Once the kiss is over so the chapter ends and the next begins with heroine and hero straight back to denying their lapse in judgement contained any meaning. Perhaps their feelings become harder to fight, but fight them they must, as internal conflict barely registers once all sense and decorum have been defeated by the electricity of stomach-flipping touch.

Secrets Uncovered claims their work on the subject is complete at this point, leaving Bewildered Heart to pick up the slack, once again. This superficial exploration of the first kiss is emblematic of Mills & Boon's simplistic story-telling. Their books set out every conflict within the blurb, signal the plot's intention by the cover photograph and have every issue solved by the overwhelming power of love, thus under-mining the moral dilemmas of the hero and heroine as irrational neuroses easily conquered by marriage. The kiss follows the initial brushing of hands as merely another step toward a happy ending, and therefore these instances become the structure. The characters meet and instantly fall in love due to their aesthetic appeal. This is emboldened by accidental physical contact and a handful of conversations to exemplify these two have functional personalities. They kiss as attraction overcomes them and then sleep together as if further proof of their emotional connection was needed. Shortly thereafter they conclude that whatever was stopping them from kissing and sleeping together without latent feelings of guilt and recrimination were not strong enough to cancel out their love. Finally they agree to spend the rest of their lives in the same location. What happens between these plot-points merely rehashes what has already been established in the punchy one paragraph concept. The kiss signifies the predictability of all that is to follow and extinguishes any final remnants of hope the reader might have had that this novel will keep them entertained until the photocopier starts malfunctioning once more.