" I don’t remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible"

Selling studious criticism of Mills & Boon to devoted fans of Mills & Boon who are savvy with the internet has proved an arduous struggle for this Bewildered Heart weblog. The notion that romance novels are inherently dim-witted has been acknowledged by everyone except the authors of those books, and even they appear to be defending their work with the same lazy indifference to quality that they bring to their prose. Despite this, their enduring popularity remains undiminished. The fall in sales of chick-lit has been well-documented, but romance fiction is as profitable and newsworthy as ever, thanks largely to two phenomenal franchises, the twee teenage vampire swooning of Twilight and the decidedly less virtuous world of Fifty Shades. Sales of the first book, Fifty Shades of Grey, have reached demented new heights in success, out-selling Harry Potter and The Da Vinci Code within four months of release, with digital and print sales upwards of six million. The sequels, Darker and Freed, have similar, though less spectacular figures, suggesting either readers bought all three in one go, or read the first one and decided not to bother with the latter two. Is this the Lord of the Rings of literary sex?

The trilogy tells the sordid dating history of Anastasia Steele, a beautiful university graduate who attracts the attention of enigmatic twenty-something tycoon Christian Grey. He offers her the lucrative opportunity of being his mistress and she accepts for reasons that aren't explained satisfactorily. It is at this point that the book begins to twist its mundane, everyday scenario. Christian hides a dark secret and, furthermore, he is a sadomasochist with a penchant for whips, chains and possibly other torture devices. He is shocked, and no doubt a little perturbed at his lack of research, when he learns that Ana is a virgin and not particularly aroused by bondage gear. From there only two potential endings seem likely and one of those seems unlikely. Surprisingly, Ana leaves Christian at the end of the first book, frustrated that her mysterious owner hasn't overcome his deep-rooted psychological scarring and given her a hug. In the second part, Fifty Shades of Darker, Ana meets an enigmatic pharmaceutical CEO named Ezra Darker who offers her a small fortune to pretend to be his wife at a forthcoming family get-together while Fifty Shades of Freed introduces wealthy tree surgeon Cornelius Freed and the three men throw money at one another until Anna declares one of them the winner and marries him.

Within months of their release the books have become the literary sensation of the year, E.L. James is the must-have dinner party guest of the season and light violence has been added to everyone's sexual repertoire. Christian Grey is truly the popsicle flavour of the month. Even Hollywood has joined in, announcing plans for the film adaptation, with the likes of Emma Watson, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and 1980s Mickey Rourke all unrealistically linked to the roles. Some have hailed this as the summer of the bonkbuster, while others have coined the term 'Mummy Porn,' although this suggests something entirely different. These phrases do a disservice to this burgeoning subgenre, as well as sarcastic wits the world over, as James has hardly tapped into an until now unknown market. Her novels have sold astoundingly, as if every Mills & Boon fan stopped buying from the assortment of titles their favoured publisher proffered and instead plumped for the same book. Fifty Shades has not trounced the competition of the romance genre, it has simply become the romance genre.

In response to this consumerism, Mills & Boon has reacted by reissuing twelve of its most erotically-charged sadomasochistic novels, including Going Down and Cuffing Kate, but in doing so have they assumed the reason for E.L. James' recording-breaking trilogy is the sexual content and not the hackneyed archetypal characters, the hostile misogyny or the insipid writing? After all, Mills & Boon cornered the market on those years ago, and they have been running Spice, their explicit imprint, since 2008, and yet Fifty Shades was published by Random House, some company that could have been anybody. Notoriously Harlequin's product is not promoted for individual glory. Their books are on shelves for thirty days, but the evolution of technology has allowed contracted authors a shot at continuing relevance. Now all Mills & Boon books exist permanently through websites and as ebooks, and it is electronically that E.L. James found her audience. She began her career, as all modern authors do, penning Twilight fan fiction for an online forum where Twi-Hards reimagine their beloved heroes and heroines in a variety of situations. James quickly gained a following thanks to her eroticism and cliffhanger endings. Bella referred to Edward as Fifty and soon enough entirely original characters had developed, she a passive virgin and he a dominating billionaire, thus unlike anything in the history of romantic fiction.

The cynical attempts to cash-in on a hungry public desire may have misjudged their target audience as well as misunderstood the appeal of the Fifty Shades books, but anyone who has read, or attempted to read, E.L. James is at a loss to explain what her fans see in her. Reviews have been as negative as those aimed at Stephenie Meyer or the Sex and the City movies, suggesting a division between popular opinion and critical evaluation. Nevertheless, the reaction of Mills & Boon does not imply changes to their product or lessons learned from James' interpretation of modern romance. The issue of great significance at the heart of Fifty Shades is in marketing, and this is where Harlequin consistently betray their readers and authors as if as a matter of course. Fifty Shades of Grey may have been born from humble beginnings, but using the Twilight forums helped generated the sensational word-of-mouth that contributed to the impressive online sales that begat the print numbers. What followed was wholly predictable, as women rushed to buy the novels their colleagues, friends and over-confident strangers were all talking about. Many were titillated, but those expecting hardcore eroticism, lessons in sex toys or competent writing were disappointed. Briefly a healthy attitude towards sexuality was pushed into mainstream conversation, but Ana's virginity and Christian's unhealthy attitude towards sexuality soon put paid to that.

Nevertheless, Mills & Boon might hope to strike while the iron is hot, as any adventurous hero would insist, and seize this opening to update their brand. Fifty Shades of Grey is as unashamedly old-fashioned as Twilight, but the books are seen as the contemporary alternatives to Harlequin Romances it is socially acceptable to enjoy. With such a stigma attached there are obvious explanations for why the likes of Meyer and James have pitched their work elsewhere, yet the truth is Fifty Shades of Grey could have been published by Spice as The Billionaire's Blackmailed Mistress, few would have read it and the author would have been given a contract to dream up four new novels by the end of the year. If Mills & Boon has any intention of modernising its product, besides designing a website, here is as good a chance as they have ever been given. They invented this saturated market and then they saturated it. A new crowd of readers with plenty of money and little discernible taste has announced itself eager for a follow-up and all Harlequin can offer is shelf after shelf of drearily identical, colour-coordinated novels. Instead they need a single title, stacked artistically on its own table with a banner and a clever lighting arrangement, that tells the story of a penniless, yet likeable, virgin girl who meets a mysterious, brooding billionaire with a perverse ultimatum and also an estranged wife locked in the attic. Does anyone anywhere have anything like that lying around?

“Down boy, he thought, and comforted himself with Chocolate Sin”

For all authors aiming to conquer the romance fiction industry there is one name each would aspire to eclipse in terms of fame and success, and recently Bewildered Heart had its first, and hopefully last, flirtation with the publishing juggernaut named Nora Roberts. The MacGregor Grooms has been a blessed book for this weblog, with its three novellas guaranteeing months of subject matter to see us through the summer. Now the inevitable end has come, but many questions and concerns remain. Before putting this book back where it belongs, in the recycling bin behind the library, there is time for a full and unequivocal appraisal which may in turn reach any number of conclusions as to why The MacGregor’s are so beloved, why Nora Roberts is so adored and whether D.C. lost his manhood after all that frosty sex?

According to self-proclaimed Nora Roberts Examiner Carol Thomas at eleven books The MacGregor franchise is, 'Both the most extensive series she published for Silhouette and the most popular.' The initial story, Playing The Odds, concerned Daniel's attempt at fixing up his only daughter Serena with eligible gambler Justin Blade. From there things blossomed, somehow, into a sprawling family tree of endless repetition of a theme. The reasons for this, as Roberts would later explain to All About Romance, were purely down to money and a lack of imagination. 'When I started Playing The Odds, it was planned as one book. Somewhere during the writing of it, I decided to write stories involving each of Serena's brothers... So that meant three books. Then I had an idea to connect Shelby's brother, so that was four. And I fell for Daniel. Big time. My editor had received so many letters on him, she asked me if I would be willing to write his and Anna's story. She got a big yes! Later, when I was asked to write an historical, doing the MacGregors and the '45 in Scotland seemed like a natural. And again when I wrote a novella, for Harlequin Historicals, the MacGregors popped into my head.'

Once an author begins to churn out manuscript after manuscript of impossibly beautiful, talented people falling in love despite the sins of their parents the only challenge stems from having to constantly think up different names for the characters. However, there is more to The MacGregor's appeal than the writer's laziness, as Roberts' anecdote proves. The family grew as a result of reader demand as much as contractual obligations. 1987's For Now, Forever discloses the background of the monumental meeting of egos that was the courtship of Daniel and Anna. The MacGregor recounts the tale as he recovers from a car accident, possibly the result of his drinking problem. While Daniel receives much devotion from fans and family members alike, Anna Whitfield took on a prominent role in the novel as the feisty feminist who refused to be romanced, until she arbitrarily changed her mind and got married. For causes not explained with words or evidence Wylene Rholetter has described Anna as, 'Arguably the most revolutionary heroine among Roberts's category romances, a feminist in an age before the word was coined.' This would be glowing praise, had Roberts ever been renowned for her revolutionary heroines or had the book also been written in an age before feminism.

Due to the shameful superficiality, the tedious characterisation, the banal dialogue and insipid descriptions of womanly dithering contained within The MacGregor Grooms any explanations of the enduring prosperity of the series must be learned from elsewhere. After all, there is little to discern this Nora Roberts novel from any of her hundreds of others, or the thousands of others published by an endless list of similar best-selling authors. For many the prospect of inner-connected stories is appealing. Mills & Boon has shown a propensity for rolling, casually-linked novels, often involving the siblings of what are presumably Catholic parents. Therefore The MacGregor collection is hardly unique, but perhaps where Roberts has deviated from the standard scenario is in the scale in which her family inhabit the world. This is one spectacular dynasty, a Kennedy-like clan without the assassinations, open marriages and despicable patriarch. Alan MacGregor becomes U.S. President, and elsewhere there are doctors, artists, architects, entrepreneurs, lawyers and the women they wed. Even the assortment of gamblers make good. Many marry into equally wealthy families and their fictional status within an idealised world blossoms unrealistically without so much as a raised eyebrow from the reader.

There are few romance novels more fantastical than The MacGregor's unless you delve into the murky world of Paranormal, and although the pastoral locations and perfect people who populate the books have a tendency to trip onto the wrong side of parody there is plenty to recommend the extremities of Roberts' work. Mills & Boon followers choose fantasy over earthy realism and the best authors shovel the sappy romance on thick. If the heroes are gorgeous, charming, decent, successful and rich then why not have them as gorgeous, charming, decent, successful and rich as possible? This is as formulaic and stereotypical as romance fiction gets, but it would be almost impossible to exaggerate these characters and scenarios any further without losing the audience. This is the fine line Roberts must tread, but her readers seem willing and able to forgive the worst indulgences because they are complicit in enjoying the commitment to excess. As repeatedly noted during the reviewing process Roberts exacerbates her errors with her chosen format. The three revealing briefs only serve to underline the glaring lack of variety and insight. DC, Duncan and Ian are as tedious and forgettable as their names. The heroines are given depth and neuroses largely because Roberts has written The MacGregor family without physical or emotional flaws. Therefore each glorious specimen of masculinity cures a twenty-something woman of whatever is bothering her through handsomeness, money and genitals. Layna did not believe in love because her parents lived a sham marriage, but then she fell in love because DC is dreamy and fear was defeated. Cat wanted everything and got it because Duncan already had everything and was willing to share in exchange for sex. Finally Naomi was a virgin and an idiot, but Ian had a patient penis and happened to be an idiot too.

Just as important as all the marriages was the birth of Fiona Joy, Julia's second child. With this lengthy diversion being of no narrative necessity, it can be assumed that the MacGregor legacy is of equal significance to the romance for the fans of the series. Although Roberts concluded the franchise with the follow-up to The MacGregor Grooms, there was no particular need not to continue, despite the fact that Daniel Duncan cannot be immortal and what would the books become without the irascible patriarch drunkenly pulling the strings? Roberts plays upon soap opera machinations with these multi-generational novels as wealth accumulates, couples tie the knot, babies are born and attractive people do exciting things in expensive locations, but for the sake of wistful love she does away with the fighting, tension and obstacles that might heighten the drama of an inconsequential flirtation into a compelling saga. Yet such alternations could have been simply accomplished and therefore the dull, pleasant nothingness of The MacGregor Grooms is not only intentional, but key to the unchallenging charm. If sales had been disappointing, or even average, there would be little else to comment on. Thus for the sake of putting this sorry episode behind us, let us perpetuate the delusion that sales were disappointing.