“I've never wanted anyone else inside me this way”

In such a month previous to this one Bewildered Heart had its first skirmish with the publishing titans Mills & Boon when an opening chapter submitted to the Fast Track competition was mercifully rejected with reassuring promptness and professionalism. This very weblog has long-held aspirations of succeeding in the world of romantic fiction, as many middle-aged authors and other flippantly half-hearted internet sites have over the years. Where once it seemed anyone could dash off fifty-five thousand words of trite emotional epiphanies and sexual euphemisms and earn money and approval from Harlequin or their modern competitors, now the standards are moving ever higher, despite all evidence to the contrary. Since Bewildered Heart's own attempt at a ground-breaking romantic tale of medical colleagues finding happiness against the odds in a world that has forgotten how to love, an admittedly wordy title, has been read and judged, and our Bewildered Heart has recovered from being as shattered as our dreams, we can concentrate on discovering why, perhaps learning a little something for the next time we dare to wager our livelihoods on our writing abilities. The Medical™ Romance Team, whose job it was to peruse the entrants in search of literary magic, sent the following message out-lining their grievances with this particular Fast Track response.

The eye is naturally drawn to the neat top three list of things worth bearing in mind. However, mere sentences earlier we learn that the characters and story did not feel sufficiently developed for an introductory chapter of mysterious billionaire doctors enigmatically fluttering their thick eyelashes in brightly-lit hospital corridors where life makes sense. This disappointing lack of development may be the direct result of reading Mills & Boon novels and assuming a style and formula from said research, but what do the proceeding hints say about this glaring fault? After all, how much development is possible in any opening chapter? Whereas a traditional speculative submission would see the opening three chapters proffered, Fast Track did away with such time consumption and chose instead to form an opinion on pieces anywhere between three and five thousand words. Can a future Nora Roberts be plucked from obscurity based upon the minimal amount of reading? Going by Bewildered Heart's own reviews of Mills & Boon novels unwavering judgements often seemed to be formed by the end of the first sentence.

Sensing an abrupt refusal was not nurturing enough, the romantics at head office attempted to soften the blow and stir the winds of inspiration by cutting and paste three titbits from a presumably endless list of generic criticisms. 'Ensure that your story and conflict are character-driven against the backdrop of a contemporary medical setting.' More fool you for writing about doctors in Ancient Greece dealing with crises created by the frivolous gods. Nothing about The Greek Surgeon's Virgin Olive Oil Salesgirl suited the Fast Track brief. Nevertheless, even with the most archetypal situation and characters a love story must be rooted in the emotional journeys of the hero and heroine. Even when limited to an opening chapter the author must lead their characters into making life-altering decisions and not have them simply react passively to contrived circumstance, as seen before in every romance novel Mills & Boon have ever published. Bewildered Heart's unfortunately restricted knowledge of the Medical™ subgenre has only Neurosurgeon... and Mum! as an example, but Kate Hardy's novel is perfectly appropriate. The heroine is broken through loneliness and professional tragedy, while the hero struggles with grief and single fatherhood, thus making the unlikely coincidence of their living together seem less formulaic and transparent than it appears when recounted later in an article on the internet.

Secondly, 'Focus on the internal emotion conflict of your characters.' This particular point is eye-opening for numerous reasons. What is external emotional conflict? Should the characters be persuaded to deal with their doubts, attraction, anger and fears solely on the inside, lessening the dramatic thrust of the narrative? Should the writer begin their book by explaining that hero and heroine are as incapable of verbalising and emoting their thoughts as they are intellectualising them in an enjoyable or readable way? To keep emotional conflict within the interior monologues of the protagonists is to play to one strength of prose. However, when handled poorly, in the style of the majority of romance fiction, this tactic quickly becomes tiresome and displays the author's shallow use of psychology and the blandness of their characters. Furthermore, the unbalanced focus exemplifies the lack of genuine twists and reveals a story merely treading water until the ending the blurb had sign-posted arrives. Despite this, a series of tumultuous revelations, tear-soaked confessions and bitter arguments works against the satisfying character arcs Mills & Boon guarantee their audience. Therefore, the author must find a compelling middle ground between neurotic, silent agonising and standing on a mountain cursing the whims of the gods.

Thirdly, 'Use the secondary characters to add richness and depth to your central romance but don't let them take over!' When discussing the problematic nature of Medical™ the issue of patients was an obvious concern. How can a plot weave in injury or illness, giving the characters something to do besides pining, without the life and death emergencies of the profession becoming more gripping than the they-will-they-will machinations of the romance? Kate Hardy side-stepped the dilemma by utilising a series of one-off patients, never allowing the reader to become involved, but as a result squandered any excitement by applying a superficial gloss to the individuality of the subgenre. Does the reader wish for a House MD mystery, an ER-style shot of adrenalin, a bit of whatever happens in Grey's Anatomy, or do they simply want some technical language involving blood cells between their vital scenes of internal conflict and external love-making? Since Bewildered Heart has no more expertise to go on other than the rejection letter we can only assume we still have no idea.

For many the Fast Track experience will have proved beneficial and for a few it will bring the opportunity of a lifetime. While the three points this weblog received shed no light on how to break into the industry there are lessons to take away otherwise. For example, there is no sense attempting to write a Medical™ Romance unless you have a passion for the field or for the subgenre itself. The research required for even a veneer of credibility is time-consuming and a distraction from the actual writing of the book and the additional reading about Ancient Greece. Mills & Boon will ask their aspiring author to pursue the novel the author wants and not the novel the author thinks Mills & Boon will want. This is fair advice, albeit possibly misleading and certainly frustrating to consider once the rejection letter lands on the doorstep. Since the results of Fast Track have been revealed the publishers have announced their new competition, bigger than New Voices and Fast Track combined, and with it the prospect of achieving a long-held and half-hearted aspiration has begun to emerge. Enough trying to offer romance readers what they desire and what they already have, here is the chance to offer them something better. So You Think You Can Write is that chance, despite what appears to be photographic proof that we, in fact, cannot.

“She couldn't quite manage to swallow, so shrugged instead”

When we left Part Two of The MacGregor Grooms at the end of the third chapter, Catherine 'Cat' Farrell and Duncan 'Duncan the Blade' Blade where smoothly gliding down the Mississippi River on their way to eternal love and sassy bickering. As the fourth chapter began, however, what had once seemed plain sailing on calm waters had somehow turned to a perfect storm, with high winds of intrigue, tidal waves of emotion, undercurrents of refusal, preying sharks of unresolved family issues and Somali pirates of sexual tension. Duncan had bought Cat elegant, thoughtful gifts such as perfume and trinket boxes and made heartfelt, honest offers of candlelit dinner and candlelit sex over the course of one frustrating week, but every advance was thwarted by a swift rejection. As the Comanche Princess docks in New Orleans Duncan has begun to wonder just what he has to do to convince Cat to sleep with him. As always in romance fiction leaving the woman with no choice turns out to be the way to go. He takes her into town for authentic local cooking and then down a darkened alley for a sampling of authentic palm-reading. When the day is through Duncan is more smitten than ever, while Cat remains as beguilingly enigmatic as the plot forces her to be for the sake of narrative padding.

Shortly thereafter the twosome’s chemistry proves too great and as another evening of luxury, singing and gambling comes to a close Cat and Duncan indulge in a bout of unprotected sex and their lives are changed irrevocably. Duncan is just so glamorous, charming, handsome and wealthy that Cat is powerless against his roaming tongue, fancy suits and big words. Equally, Cat is available and has a tendency to call people Sugar inbetween sips of water, a combination that prove impossible to resist. Within minutes Cat has moved her clothes, gifts, perfumes and American sofa into Duncan's sizeable cabin and they are at the mercy of their unwavering attraction for however long it is before Nora Roberts returns to the story. Taking temporary respite from Duncan's manhood, Cat strolls about the boat in search of Duncan and a room with a lock. There she finds her hunky piece of masculinity with his arm around a gorgeous, svelte blonde and her romance is about to meet its first and only fleeting obstacle. Nevertheless, hold your raging, Cat, because this sophisticated young woman is in fact Duncan's mother, Serena MacGregor, and with her is husband Justin Blade, of family Blade, world-renowned arms dealers with absurd genetics.

Once the embarrassment fades into excruciating memory likely to haunt her forever, Cat surmises Duncan Blade comes from a mighty dynasty of fantastically beautiful people. Not only are Serena and Justin onboard, but The MacGregor and Wife also show up, due to the contractual obligations of the novella. Daniel Duncan 'Mac The MacGregor' MacGregor takes an instant shine to Catherine and she develops quite the crush on him too. Who wouldn't, of course, the devious silver fox and his excessive drinking have combined to seduce numerous women into his burgeoning legacy and soon enough Serena, The MacGregor and Anna have declared Cat suitable baby-making material. They then urge Duncan to continue what he has been doing for weeks already as they return to their memoirs of breath-taking reflections. While the male half of the couple is easily convinced Cat remains somewhat dubious for reasons that the author never bothers to explain. Perhaps she feels undeserving of such a glorious specimen as Duncan, or maybe she doesn't understand love, or she could possibly be holding out for more expensive presents. Then there is her dream of a singing career and perhaps a marriage aboard a boat, back and forth along the Mississippi, isn't as appealing as it is for Duncan Blade, the drunken gambler who loves boats.

Unbeknownst to Cat, and any readers not paying close attention, Duncan had sent her demo tape to Reed Valentine of Valentine Records and, to use musical terminology, Reed had flipped for that groovy jam. Duncan breaks the news with champagne and moonlight, and Cat is overwhelmed with joy and amorous gratitude. As Part Two draws to a conclusion there is only one final fight to be had, in which Cat attempts to break things off and fly to New York to be a professional chanteuse, only for Duncan to persuade her to marry him, live on a Mississippi riverboat and then fly to New York to be a professional chanteuse. At long last Cat realises she can have it all, love and a career, singing and gambling, copious amounts of food and a slim figure, a giant diamond wedding ring and no worries about anything ever again, because a man is here and he has money and all of life's answers at the bottom of a bourbon bottle.

While Part Two of The MacGregor Grooms is a woeful waste of time Nora Roberts appears completely aware of its absence of drama and compulsion. While Part One, concerning DC and Layna, showed enough glimpses of genuine hang-ups and personality clashes, there is so little standing in the way of Cat and Duncan the story instead represents everything that is wrong with modern romance fiction. The characters are unrealistically good-looking, to the point of parody, they are talented and without troubles, they move through life utterly at ease, all the while waiting for their perfect lives to improve with the introduction of idealised love, attained without struggle or sacrifice. Roberts needlessly shoehorns in Serena and The MacGregor, if only to break up the endless number of sex scenes, but with in-laws this perfect there is never any danger of conflict. Instead Roberts utilises the steadfast opinions of the impossibly youthful old people to further demonstrate how wonderful Catherine is and how canny The MacGregor's eye, as if additional proof were necessary or interesting to read of. It is more likely that the strongest appeal of the MacGregor series is the loveable rascal who dominates proceedings through meddling, sentimentality and a haze of cigar smoke. While Daniel Duncan MacGregor's cult of personality is the highlight of every story this isn't achieved so much through his magnificence, but rather through how hopelessly tiresome and predictable all the other characters are.

The MacGregor Grooms belongs to a bygone era when physically flawless billionaires were aspirational and therefore suitable for romantic heroes. Unlike the majority of similar fiction, however, Roberts comes unstuck with her male protagonists for numerous reasons. Namely, she is unable to write convincing male characters, and while the narrative jumps back and forth between viewpoints, the book's title and family theme will always draw the reader to respond emotionally to the hero, as Duncan and DC are the active pursuers with goals to achieve. Whereas a more conventional novel will see the poor, innocent heroine nurture the powerful, arrogant tycoon into the emotionally stunted mummy's boy hiding within, The MacGregor Grooms subverts the formula while retaining the archetypes. The reader is expected to empathise with the controlling playboy as his years of getting what he wants are momentarily delayed by a stunning woman who is as equally successful and purpose-built. Roberts then asks her fans to relax and enjoy the easy-going, passionate, tender romance as it builds toward a marriage proposal and endless offspring, foolishly assuming the truncated word count absolves her of a professional duty. Now Nora has one final opportunity to get things right, as Ian meets Naomi and somewhere, in a castle over-looking the ocean, a ninety-year-old shouts merrily at no one to bring him more whiskey. How canny that man is.

“It was black tonight, plunging deep, front and back”

No sooner had we Bewildered Hearts sent our Fast Track entries into the Mills & Boon offices than Harlequin had announced a brand new competition. Yes, the benevolent publishers have launched a multi-layered global writing contest with a press release and a website, So You Think You Can Write, finally throwing down the gauntlet to their many admiring readers who probably all believe they are literate. ‘Do you dream of being a world-famous published author?’ they begin. If so, writing for Mills & Boon is a deeply illogical choice. However, simply by removing the phrase ‘world-famous’ from that sentence the slightly amended meaning suddenly seems much more appropriate. ‘Do you dream of being a publisher author?’ If so, does the internet have the career opportunity for you. Here is your chance to send a manuscript to that hallowed centre of disposable romance fiction and perhaps see your fake name sandwiched between a bombastic, sexist title you did not choose and a gently pornographic photograph of two unsuccessful models canoodling that you had no say over. Last year’s winner, Kat Cantrell from Texas, will see her debut published in February 2013 and critically-lambasted on this very weblog possibly afterwards.

Much like New Voices and Fast Track in every way conceivable, So You Think You Can Write will attempt to discover those hidden talents whose manuscripts were until now doomed to remain where they belonged, in a drawer or on a slush pile. Because Mills & Boon lack imagination and originality they have decided to create an event of their competition, but unlike the ebook Secrets Uncovered that preceded New Voices, So You Think You Can Write submissions will have been tailored to perfection by a twenty-four hour a day, seven day a week week-long online conference where potential entrants will work alongside fifty romance editors over a variety of cutting edge technological communication tools, including, ‘Podcasts, videos, webinars, blogs, live chats, community discussions and Twitter events.’ Many of those are things that exist. Webinars are seminars that take place on the internet and are so-called because who ever invented the term didn’t take the time to check the etymology of seminar.

In case everyone wasn’t excited enough by the illicit thrills of learning the differences between webinars, videos, podcasts and live chats, ‘Aspiring authors will attend a virtual romance-writing "boot camp" designed to teach them how to write a romance novel that will attract the attention of publishers.’ Who doesn’t enjoy a boot camp experience? This online international festival of smut and mediocrity will last from the seventeenth to the twenty-fourth of September, giving plenty of time to those wishing to hone their novel before the competition deadline on the thirteenth of October. From there participants will submit an opening chapter and brief synopsis before the many hopefuls will be whittled down to twenty-eight through a combination of a public vote and Harlequin themselves. The twenty-eight writers will then send off their finished manuscripts, which professional editors will judge and select a final three for another communal election. The overall favourite will win a publishing contract to write a series romance novel, slightly undermining the amount of work, stress and unrestricted online opinion they will have had to endure from a contest with such a friendly, non-confrontational name.

With the press release released Mills & Boon swiftly moved onto the next obvious step. In order to prepare for the crash university course taking place in September there will be three month prep class, which will consist of numerous blog entries regurgitating the wisdom of Secrets Uncovered and fed to the next generation of unskilled romance writers eager for learning and eventual worldwide fame and glory. First up are two short essays, Vanquishing the Terrifying Empty Screen and How to Stand Out from the Slush. According to the latter, the crucial difference between the thousands of rejected opening chapters and the few selected success stories is, ‘The author’s natural voice – all too often we receive submissions that may be technically very good but there is no personality or spark to the writing. Sometimes it feels like writers are trying to emulate authors that they have read before but we’re not looking for a paint by numbers romance.’ While it may intermittently sound as if Harlequin lies in its promotional material this statement has the indefinable, elusive enigma that explains the publisher’s vague notion of quality control. Helpfully How to Stand Out from the Slush immediately moves on without a further word of insight.

Other than that opening, head-scratching statement the leftover hints are the straight-forward classics we have covered before such as dazzling dialogue, emotional intensity, colourless inflammable hydrocarbon, originality, humour, chemistry, characterisation and relatable, contemporary issues no matter what century the story occurs in. As Bewildered Heart has foolishly promised not to repeat itself on countless occasions we can therefore return to the troubling challenge of believably faking naturalism. We are consistently told that writing romance fiction is not easy, and while an understanding of sentence structure and narrative form can be acquired from schooling or scrolling downwards the skill of displaying affection for love and for this genre is an innate gift authors either have or do not. Furthermore, and most troubling for anyone after an easy payday, a winning personality cannot be disingenuously engineered, unlike technical ability. If a high standard of romance writing could be achieved through cynicism, research and pretence the company behind our cherished novels would lose any remaining credibility they hadn’t squandered through the drearily low standard of their product.

After all, Harlequin have set their stall out as editors with a sharp eye for the real thing, and can distinguish between writers born to churn out special moments and those writers willing to change a few adjectives in a Marie Ferrarella book and calling it their own. Expecting… In Texas becomes Trouble in Tennessee with a minimal amount of reworking and would a Mills & Boon editor really sense the missing ethereal elements they are paid to discover lacking between the words? If they were unable to shouldn’t we Bewildered Hearts establish a competition entitled So You Think You Can Judge? Regardless, So You Think You Can Write will select as winners only the novelists passionate about romance and dedicated to rewriting Marie Ferrarella with loving attention to detail. This should call to an end the dispiriting years of cynicism, research and pretence. There are romance writers and then there is everybody else. With any luck the boot camp will crush any desire among the aspiring authors to make any such suggestions about the duality of man.

“Her paint was fresh and blindingly white, her trim hot and sassy red”

Once an aspiring romance author has created their two conflicted characters and spun a tale involving mistaken identity, a lucrative art collection and an unsettling wager between a controlling misogynistic and a desperate student moonlighting as a hotel maid, they must move onto the task of spending the first paragraph using words to describe locations. With their novel coming together as almost started there is one final skill left to master, the mysterious mistress named dialogue. For more on this subject we turn to our trusted source, Secrets Uncovered, to find Flo Nicoll talking the good talk. Now, Flo, why should writers use dialogue at all? 'It keeps the text alive, creates pace and flavour, allows good insight into character, shows how the hero and heroine are communicating and most importantly, shows the developing dynamic of the central relationship.' Nothing is more indispensable to a prospective relationship than communication, besides money and physical attraction, and is there a better way for your characters to communicate than through communication? Mills & Boon wisely believes not, and therefore they fully endorse dialogue as the only means to this end. Without it writing drags along at an interminable speed with no old-fashioned seasoning or exotic spice, and then dies an agonising death, drowning in the shallow end of a rancid swimming pool somewhere no one holidays.

Furthermore, dialogue allows the novelist to commit to the key tenet of writing, to show and not tell. 'There’s no point telling readers about the sparks flying if they haven’t seen them in action,' explains Flo. While numerous examples of Harlequin Romances seem to contradict this suggestion, there is no greater lesson to be learned from reading Secrets Uncovered than reading Secrets Uncovered is more beneficial than reading the books they are helping you to write. The guidebook continues with the following golden rule, so read on carefully. 'Dialogue needs to be character-appropriate – if your heroine’s Little Miss Prim, would she really start talking dirty in the bedroom? So, work on channelling your in-depth knowledge of your hero and heroine into their speech.' Assuming you have decided to give your protagonists personalities you can then shed light on their thoughts and feelings through what they choose to discuss while having sex.

Even though Secrets Uncovered seems to think it has covered this topic comprehensively, the obvious importance of dialogue forces us to turn elsewhere for additional information. Where more suitable than The Art of Romance Writing, by Valerie Parv? 'If you have to struggle to write dialogue, it may be because you're overlooking the work the dialogue has to do. Far from being idle chatter which breaks up the narrative, dialogue has to help to tell a story.' Anything that does not assist in moving the narrative forward should be left on the writing room floor, but deep meaning can be loaded into a seemingly banal conversation about absent fathers or blackmail etiquette. Thus dialogue can become a tool of great subtlety in a genre of storytelling devoid of nuance and perception. The wisdom of The Art of Romance Writing teaches every aspiring author to have a clear idea of what they hope to achieve from every scene, building credibility into sequences through a pinpoint understanding of the characters who are speaking. After all, would a romantic hero and heroine really talk honestly and openly when they are denying their heartfelt desires because he had only paid her for attachment-free sex, or she were only using him to get free medical treatment for her disease-ridden nephew?

According to another Mills & Boon package, And Then He Kissed Her..., dialogue is capable of achieving five crucial objectives, all of which stand alone and in no way contradict due to their vague and empty rhetoric. Number One, Claim Reader Attention and Set the Story in Motion. Much like every other facet of writing a novelist must use any available tactic to sucker their audience in and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that this is a book where things will happen and now they have started following the words on the page they are obligated to keep doing so until there are no more words. Number Two, Allow the Characters to Reveal Themselves. So often the two main players of a romance reveal themselves through ham-fisted interior monologue and while Mills & Boon says this is acceptable it is probably not. Retain the secrets of your enigmatic billionaire for as long as possible through short, non-committal sentences and eyelash movement, while allowing him to maintain dignity as a human man, who always infuriates women by not describing what he is thinking. Your heroine and your readers will tolerate this because the man in question is handsome, muscular and wealthy, and will enjoy the slow drip-feed of intriguing disclosures about just how handsome, muscular and wealthy he truly is.

Number Three, Provide Information. Such as, who is this tycoon and why is he carrying the heroine towards a small commuter plane? How did he make his money? Why is he intent on breaking up a wedding and does he use a special moisturiser and a curler on his eyelashes? Remember to be cautious with your concept, gentle writer, as the more indistinct and ludicrous the opening chapter the more your heroine will have to talk about during those troublesome middle eight chapters. Your publisher is likely to explain every detail in the blurb and what cannot be assumed from the cover photograph can be pieced together through experience, so hold a shock or two back to allow the second one hundred pages to fly by.

Number Four, Add Pace and Tension, Create Emotional Mood. Naturally these two pithy ideas fit under the same heading because this fourth objective points to writing technique, while the previous three suggestions were idiotic. Dialogue allows for numerous possibilities, but it is important to choose your moments intelligently. A poignant, touching conversation can be achieved solely through speech marks and occasional references to moonlight or Mariachi music playing softly from the distant valley. Equally, a bitter argument of unanswered questions and desperate measures can create empathy and compelling antagonism, the Mexican band closer now, their fingers faster on their strings, a lone singer's voice haunting in the sultry night air.

Finally Number Five, Move the Story Along. Harlequin Romances have a tendency to skimp on action, and as a result stilted dialogue and emotional resonance take centre stage, much to the chagrin of the reader, keen for excitement and believable conclusions. Once a story has been decided, with enough turns and revelations to justify its telling, dialogue can play a role in feeding narrative exposition and character secrets, working well when juxtaposed with a twisting plot of strong moral dilemmas and life-altering decisions. While Secrets Uncovered, The Art of Romance Writing and And Then He Kissed Her... all fail to mention this explicitly, we can assume it was a message similar to this that they were attempting to explain. The final quality check is in reading your dialogue out loud, assuming a dashing Mediterranean accent and two arched eyebrows, arrogantly admiring your startled cat's curvaceous form with devastating diligence, before taking a sip of your third glass of wine and making a short and non-committal put-down about dress length. If it sounds like something a Mills & Boon alpha male would say then you can smile daintily at the cat and respond with a feisty quip that hints at a nurturing nature.

“Lighted mirror, long counter, padded stool, clothes rack. And God bless America, a neat sofa”

The second part of The MacGregor Grooms concerns the playboy and professional boat owner Duncan Blade, son of Serena MacGregor and Justin Blade, and brother of Amelia, Gwendolyn and, who can forget, 'Mac' MacGregor. For Daniel Duncan, their alcoholic loon of a grandfather, Duncan is his spiritual successor, because they share a love of cigars, drinking and gambling. However, The MacGregor has come to the conclusion he comes to with everyone eventually, and so it is about time Duncan settled down and married someone who also isn't interested in marriage and settling down, because without a family the passing of time is another variation of loneliness, as that great philosopher Nora Roberts once wrote. Therefore off we go to the Mississippi and the classic riverboat the Comanche Princess, a suspiciously successful riverboat so named because Duncan is of Native American blood and has a thing for princesses, possibly. It matters not, as they set sail from St. Louis all the way to New Orleans, with stops at Memphis and Natchez, both locations which may well exist.

With the vessel as loaded as the dice, Duncan awaits one crew-member, the glamorous lounge singer Catherine Farrell. Naturally Catherine (Cat to her friends. Hi, Cat!) is late, over a day late, in fact, and Duncan's patience has run as dry as the ginger ale. Then, to further complicate matters, a teenager in a disgusting baseball cap tries to stow aboard. Duncan won't stand for such behaviour, but is struck by this under-age girl's sexy body and emerald green eyes. Uh oh, Duncan, you're not in Mississippi yet. He need not worry, because this woman is no child, but in fact Cat Farrell, the of age glamorous lounge singer with a sexy body it is socially acceptable to slobber over. He ushers her onto his potentially metaphorical boat, and Cat doesn't have to be a yachtsman, slush or amateur architect to be impressed by the traditional décor, modern casino and free food. She would also have to be blind or a lesbian not to be impressed by the dashing, flirtatious Duncan Blade, with his head of hair, cheekbones and sexual confidence. Fortunately for Cat she is neither blind nor a lesbian, and as previously alluded to she is a lounge singer with no interest in sailing or booze. Soon the intense chemistry has hero, heroine and author unable to describe anything in their interior monologues without referring to body parts. Roberts uses the opportunity to display her virtuoso skills at lively dialogue as Duncan says, 'Sometimes you have to go down before you go up.' Oh boy, isn't it hot in here?

If Duncan was aroused when walking in to Cat's dressing room and finding her naked, that was no match to hearing her sing on stage in a single spotlight practically naked. He is smitten, in a way only red-blooded, extroverted billionaires can be smitten, and invites her to his office for some bottled water, biographical information and sex. They begin with bottled water and things move swiftly from there. Between passionate kisses Duncan boldly propositions her to let herself into his cabin after that evening's performance for additional connection. Having equated him to the intentional act of killing oneself Cat hurries to the door. Their chemistry is bubbling over too quickly, as only moments earlier she had ruled out sleeping with her boss and now she is about to sleep with her boss in exchange for career help. Still, if she didn't want to go to his cabin that evening then kissing him, being attracted to him and falling in love with him were obvious miscalculations for that so often flawless Southern logic. She returns below deck to indulge her healthy appetite for gratis meals, leaving Duncan to temper his arousal in ways more becoming of a gentleman. He is happy, therefore, to hear from his grandfather, but Duncan instantly smells a rat in The MacGregor's casual enquiry of Catherine Mary Farrell. To throw a proverbial gremlin into the matchmaking system Duncan invents an engagement between Cat and her piano player and hey presto!, the game is afoot.

Nevertheless, for all of Daniel Duncan's meddling and Duncan Junior's canny recognition of being played Nora Roberts has created little conflict for her hero and heroine to overcome. The end of third chapter twist is deceitful, a cynical ploy to get The MacGregor and The MacGregor's wife on the boat to see for themselves the predictable conclusion to events as Duncan takes Cat in full view of the poop deck. Part Two of The MacGregor Grooms is as tame and inconsequential as Part One, with little to differentiate the archetypal players of both stories. DC and Duncan share more than a first initial, and represent the standard alpha male readers readily devour. Duncan enjoys the high life and numerous vices, but he has fashioned a successful life for himself which affords him endless opportunities to make money whilst indulging his numerous vices. One such hobby is beautiful, ravishing women and Cat fits the bill perfectly. Not only is she attractive, but she is available and nearby, two of the necessary qualities men look for when they aren't fleshed out enough to have a type.

Without either having discernible personalities it is easy to assume Duncan and Cat have much in common. Perhaps they do, but what remains most ideal about the heroine is that marrying her will not force the hero into altering his lifestyle. DC required a little domesticity and a haircut, thus Layna enjoyed tidying and would have had scissors somewhere, but Duncan has no charming characteristics he will need to sacrifice to become an honest man. Catherine Farrell, meanwhile, is largely at odds with the straight-laced businesswoman Layna, as much as Layna was with DC. Cat and Duncan are like-minded hedonists, eager to copulate with no strings attached. While DC had to wear down Layna's prim exterior for the nymphomaniac beneath, Cat has a handful of moral qualms about romantic involvement with her employer and a chip on her shoulder borne from her squalid upbringing on the mean streets of Chicago. These, however, are minor hindrances and immediately over-looked in the handsome face of swagger and cash inducements.

The novella format offers Roberts a chance to cut through the usual conflicts and contrivances that scupper fifty-thousand-word Harlequin romances and concentrate instead on the highlights of a couple falling in love against their better judgement. The author attempts to compensate for a lack of drama, tension and narrative nuance with a rush to physical contact, sob story and kiss, hoping the reader will appreciate punchy prose and characters who know what they want and aren't interested in waiting. Nevertheless, if Roberts was concerned with realism Duncan's tale would be finished already and The MacGregor would be staving off the spectre of death by drunkenly pawing over his family tree for loose limbs. Instead he is needlessly headed for the Mississippi River for his cameo appearance. When he and Anna arrive they will find another grandchild in love and refusing to admit it, but they have seen this all before and emotional denial has no defence against a stubborn pensioner with whiskey on his breath and mischief in his mind. This time, Roberts will argue, The MacGregor maybe powerless, because it is not Duncan who needs manipulating, but Catherine, and how do you convince a woman in love that she is in love with the man she is in love with? Nora has only six chapters remaining and as the third closes to the sound of the hero's smug laughter Roberts has exhausted a credible amount of reticence. What to write for sixty pages? There simply aren't enough nautical phrases in the offing to tide us over.

“That must have been a mouse she felt in his pocket when he pulled her into that sloppy kiss”

Following on from Secrets Uncovered's discussion on opening chapters and cursed clichés, they move onto a different, but equally essential, first that is often riddled with clichés, the first time hero presses his lips against those of the heroine, melting her contempt and hostility into a womanly puddle of romantic fantasy. There are key incidents in a fictional relationship that must be realised credibly, compellingly and sometimes misogynistically to help a novel soar from being the work of an author with little knowledge of a good kiss to a book betrayed by poor plotting, lifeless characters and hackneyed dialogue, but with a really great scene of lip-locking about five chapters into it. Yet how do aspiring writers make the exchange of saliva sexy, exciting and not in the least bit disgusting? Fortunately, the editors of Mills & Boon are happy to offer the kind of advice we have grown accustomed to being disappointed by. 'Have you ever wondered why some first kisses leave you cold, while others are page-turningly, stomach-flippingly wonderful? Well we at Romance HQ have!' What a coincidence, because Bewildered Heart had just been thinking the same thing, so who knows how many others will also have been slightly curious for the sake of having something new to write about.

Now then, Anna Boatman, what is first and therefore most important? 'First, and most importantly - let the tension build! Anticipation is the key, and without it any kiss can never be more than a simple physical act. Compare kissing the man at the end of a first date who you quite like, to finally getting to kiss the man you’ve been fantasising about since you first saw him by the photocopier!' There is nothing more erotic than a billionaire tycoon who reproduces his own billionaire business papers, pushing those buttons, closing the lid and then perhaps running a hand through his luscious hair as the machine makes those illicit beeps and whirrs. What happens when the photocopier runs low on paper and toner, and he casually walks into the stationary cupboard? Go to him, Anna Boatman, you can punch the staple in his unruly pile of documents. 'By the time those lips come together, your readers should be absolutely desperate for the kiss and virtually able to hear the hero and heroine’s hearts pounding!' Quite right, and contractually relevant, as there is no going back once hero has kissed heroine and found her to taste just as she smells, looks and acts in social situations, of strawberries and with a hint of resentment. It is a combination no photocopier repairman can resist.

Nevertheless, there is no going back for the chosen couple once their novel has begun let alone once they have made out, or discovered their true identities, or discussed the shared tragedy of own back-stories over herbal tea onboard a private jet headed towards a Portuguese principality. While teasing may heighten temptations and eat up the word count, the act must also offer additional insight beyond revealing their physical infatuation is symptomatic of their emotional connection. 'Make the kiss characteristic. Since a great first kiss is the natural result of all the simmering tension between your hero and heroine, make sure that the moment itself reflects the dynamic you’ve been building.' Unlike the softcore pornography Mills & Boon is equated to, by those who have foolishly dedicated their time to pointing out comparisons between softcore pornography and Mills & Boon, the kiss and the sex scene sure to follow should drive the story forward, allowing the journeys of the characters to develop. While the kiss can never be anything less than ideal it does allow the author to challenge the protagonists expectations, as long as this has been foreshadowed by the narrative. Readers demand meaning behind every action and slip of the tongue. 'A kiss is much more than two sets of lips meeting - or it should be! A proper kiss, the kind of kiss that gave the Little Mermaid her voice back, gains its emotional power from its implications. To make the moment unforgettable, show your readers that for both characters, even if they don’t consciously realise it at the time, their first kiss means that nothing in their lives will ever be the same!'

For all her romantic bluster Anna Boatman forgets one pressing concern. Typically this transitory flash of passion occurs relatively early in the structure. For example, the standard Mills & Boon will take place over the course of anywhere between twelve and fifteen chapters, with the first kiss taking place slightly before the midway point. With the wheels of true love set firmly in motion therefore an author has a troublesome thirty-thousand words left to write, with only the promise of two sex scenes to bulk the remainder of their story. Does Secrets Uncovered cater for this glaring problem? ''Take your time with this scene, give it the attention it deserves and you’ll be rewarded with a kiss that does proper justice to your characters.' Anyone reading that can only possibly take it as a No, and for that reason all the points before it are rendered devoid of value. For the majority of Mills & Boon authors the first kiss is a scene of great significance for the reader, but only to the characters for the period of contact. Once the kiss is over so the chapter ends and the next begins with heroine and hero straight back to denying their lapse in judgement contained any meaning. Perhaps their feelings become harder to fight, but fight them they must, as internal conflict barely registers once all sense and decorum have been defeated by the electricity of stomach-flipping touch.

Secrets Uncovered claims their work on the subject is complete at this point, leaving Bewildered Heart to pick up the slack, once again. This superficial exploration of the first kiss is emblematic of Mills & Boon's simplistic story-telling. Their books set out every conflict within the blurb, signal the plot's intention by the cover photograph and have every issue solved by the overwhelming power of love, thus under-mining the moral dilemmas of the hero and heroine as irrational neuroses easily conquered by marriage. The kiss follows the initial brushing of hands as merely another step toward a happy ending, and therefore these instances become the structure. The characters meet and instantly fall in love due to their aesthetic appeal. This is emboldened by accidental physical contact and a handful of conversations to exemplify these two have functional personalities. They kiss as attraction overcomes them and then sleep together as if further proof of their emotional connection was needed. Shortly thereafter they conclude that whatever was stopping them from kissing and sleeping together without latent feelings of guilt and recrimination were not strong enough to cancel out their love. Finally they agree to spend the rest of their lives in the same location. What happens between these plot-points merely rehashes what has already been established in the punchy one paragraph concept. The kiss signifies the predictability of all that is to follow and extinguishes any final remnants of hope the reader might have had that this novel will keep them entertained until the photocopier starts malfunctioning once more.