"He likes his women sentient. He's probably not celibate then"

Fifty Shades of Grey weighs in at a daunting five hundred and six pages. The lettering is large and easily distinguishable even at an appropriately coy distance, yet the bombastic and inept prose style of author EL James will cause every reader, regardless of their obsession, to struggle their way through, questioning their commitment as often as the heroine flushes. The admittedly congruous pain of such an arduous slog could have been avoided had the novel any merits, but Fifty Shades of Grey is utterly without distinction. Now, there are numerous websites, newspapers, magazines and people standing by themselves at parties who are all too happy to discuss the book, and therefore Bewildered Heart, still grimly wading through turgidity with several hundred pages remaining, cannot simply regurgitate plot and glaring literary flaws, as it does with the majority of the Mills & Boon's it has reviewed. What little that can be added in way of explanation of James' enduring success seems worthless at this juncture also, and yet something must be written to account for the continued reading.

Therefore we shall attempt to highlight the positives in James' tome because, despite evidence to the contrary, there are strong ideas at the heart of the novel's concept, although James seems unaware of what they are. The tale of Ana and Christian rushes headily into the bashful glancing and blushing stage, with our aloof billionaire barely able to string a sentence together without grinning knowingly at the sexual connotations of something he didn't quite say. Our virginal, yet sexy, heroine seems equally incapable of performing tasks without deciphering the sexual connotations and reddening mercilessly, to the point where her ghostly complexion is replaced by a perpetual shade of crimson. Despite this, Mr. Grey is smitten. Even after several warnings from the man himself, her only friend Kate and assorted males Ana is too a prisoner to her carnal desires and soon, after a series of contrived meetings, a polite courtship begins. However, Christian is insistent that he be the only man to force himself on Ana and a drunken pass from token ethnic José only hurries the plot towards the losing of consciousness that inevitably leads to marriage. Before the reader can shout, 'Get on with it,' James has her characters in a helicopter on their way to Grey's luxurious bachelor pad, ensconced snugly inside a mountain carved into the form of his lop-sided smile.

Yet, as everyone already knows, Christian Grey isn't your average impossibly-beautiful twenty-seven year old self-made billionaire and with comical brevity his dark secrets are unravelled, inbetween lengthy bouts of plot-defying love-making. Christian asks Ana to become his submissive, the woman he keeps in a room at the top of his stairs, who dresses as he pleases, eats as he demands, shaves where he tells her and obeys unquestioningly his every whim. Ana's acquiescence is complicated by a mysterious locked door in Christian's luxurious duplex. Fortunately, any tension is immediately squandered as the door is opened shortly after Ana notices it. Inside what is aptly named the Red Room of Pain is an arsenal of torture devices, chains, hooks, ropes and a four-poster bed, because billionaire sadomasochism has decorum. As it transpires, Christian became a submissive to his adoptive mother's friend at the age of fifteen and after many years of corporal punishment has developed a taste for inflicting pain on others. Ana is horrified, yet naturally aroused, and tentatively agrees to read over one of the contracts Christian keeps permanently tucked into his jacket pocket.

Before soft and hard limits can be discussed there is the small matter of Ana's purity to deal with. Christian is unable to believe that Ana has amassed twenty-one years without a wealthy eccentric propositioning her, yet she is as untouched as he is perverse. Quickly he regains the icy demeanour he tends towards and breaks his two cardinal rules of never making love and never sharing a bed by gently making patient love and then sharing a bed of restful sleep. Ana has a man, somewhere to live, a car, a computer, a degree, a thriving sex-life and money, while Christian has been cured of his penchant for violence and has overcome his sleep disorder. Those assuming this to be a happy ending are best advised to gloss over the following three hundred pages. By that time nothing more has been resolved and no headway has been made into understanding Mr. Grey's enigma or Miss Steele's stupidity. Herein lies the inherent problems in James' story-telling. Fifty Shades of Grey is fantastical fairytale, ignoring reality and refusing to approach potentially compelling ideas, satisfied instead to trade on supposedly risqué sexual content for a gimmick.

The sex is poorly utilised, however, as James removes all darkness, brutality and threat in order to maintain the idealised fantasy of her world. She portrays Christian as impossible to love, due to his bedroom peccadilloes and aloof sensibility, but he is the finest slice of masculinity ever committed to page. He wants Ana, but only on his own terms and makes it clear he is unable to be the man she needs him to be. This core concept might have allowed for a searing morality tale, a powerful rite-of-passage or a emotionally-wrought love story, but the set-up is fallacious, as James cannot commit to unlikeable characters or even the slightest sense of danger. Christian is an intelligent, loving, sensitive, charming control freak who enjoys hurting women, even though he has never hurt a woman and does not like to. He says he cannot share a bed and yet does, sleeping better than when he's alone. His dysfunction is not debilitating, scary or painful, but rather a lively and worthwhile interest guaranteeing countless orgasms. Ana risks nothing by being with him and without knowing what she wants she stands to gain everything all women want which we assume she wants too, what with Ana being a woman.

Every romance begins with a couple arranging a compromise where both find mutual benefits from a relationship. Unlike the more honestly conventional Mills & Boon novels, Fifty Shades of Grey positions itself as the ultimate power struggle, involving sex as a visual metaphor for that confrontation. In this sense there is great promise in the novel's central conceit, but this is incompetently wasted, as has become custom in the romance genre. James strives for a powerful conflict that her plot is incapable of earning. The narrator is a morbidly embarrassed klutz who hates her appearance and seems to cope with the world by splitting herself into three distinct personalities, all of whom hate one another and indulge in a lifelong game of Schadenfreude. This is an obvious attempt to make her sympathetic, but instead results in a series of failed jokes. Nevertheless, these signs of deep psychological scarring remain the only indication that Ana has character.

All the reader is left with is what the reader came for in the first place, the sex. Christian's paraphilia for silk ties and riding crops is consistent with the flaws in his personality, creating the arc he must resolve for his happy ending. Yet due to the book's idealised wish-fulfillment the darker aspects of his sexuality turn out hugely gratifying for all involved, meaning the hero draws the heroine into his world rather than she draws him back to a satisfying equilibrium. Does James therefore make the argument that people should be more sexually adventurous, less inhibited and more honest with themselves about desire? If she does it appears to be a purely coincidental consequence of her predictable formula. Yet the impression is offered that Ana is empowered by what she is made to do and contented by the constant rushes of pleasure that crash over her like waves. This seems to be a delusional fantasy on the part of the author, as Ana's stereotypical depiction as an unworldly virgin allows for no insight into anything. Moving forward with dwindling optimism we note, with dismay, that there are many chapters remaining. Will we learn what secrets Christian hides behind his beautiful eyelashes and curly chest hair and more importantly, will they have any worthwhile effect on the story or Ana's philosophical musings?

“I flush, and somewhere deep, deep down my muscles clench deliciously”

During these long, uncomfortable months spent searching Fifty Shades of Grey for quotes to take out of context, Bewildered Heart neglected its trusted source of nonsensical utterances, the how-to essays from Romance HQ. There remains something of a taboo to consider and that is taboos. Over at Romance is Not Dead Elise Windmill has shed light on Mills & Boon's attitude towards the topics no one dare discuss in an article entitled Sailing Close to the Wind and Pulling It Off. To extrapolate this sentence sailing would be writing while the wind would be contentiousness. The boat would therefore be you, gentle writer, or your novel. Without wind the boat would remain floating on the water, which may prove ideal for fishing, but this sailing expedition is not interesting in fish, but rather reaching land, with the land representing publishing success. Yet what if the boat is motorised with the motor perhaps symbolising talent, making the need for wind and sails largely irrelevant? Can the motor combine with the weather for greater speed, bringing you to your destination even more quickly? What if you want to sail into the wind and the motorised propellers are not powerful enough for forward momentum? Can you use an oar of convincing dialogue without the need of the life-jacket of conformity?

For an article asking so many profound questions let us waste no more time on analysis. Harlequin Romances are not renowned for their challenging material, causing offence or choosing realism, and this has tended to send a message that there are boundaries in Mills & Boon, but is this accurate? 'Let’s set the message straight, once and for all: there are no boundaries in Mills & Boon!' That certainly sounds unequivocal, but is this accurate? 'Having said that, there are some themes that will inevitably provoke strong reactions in readers.' Yet isn't that a great thing? 'This can be a great thing – everyone loves a bit of controversy!' Indeed, the indisputably positive reaction is what always makes controversy so controversial. Still, there's no sense engendering hand-wringing and forehead-furrowing without having an actual objective. 'The aim of the game is to explore a conflict/theme/issue in a thought-provoking, ultimately uplifting, way that adds unique depth to your romance.'

Therefore the rhetoric remains consistent with everything Romance HQ has taught us over the years, as long as a story is handled with credibility and tact any amount of violent crime, war, bestiality, poverty and suffering is fine and dandy. Windmill has her own ethical concerns though, 'Issues like infidelity/abortion/euthanasia (to select just a few at random from my ‘moral dilemma’ scrapbook…!) can be notoriously difficult to motivate sympathetically and/or weave into a compelling romance.' Yet why have a 'Moral Dilemma' Scrapbook unless you plan on shoehorning some into your next potential manuscript? Naturally, for a publisher proffering fairytale aspirations to a readership seeking escapism there seems little point in delving into the dark territory Windmill mentions, unless those issues are handled expertly, in which case your novel will not only be deeply insensitive, but also beautifully crafted.

It hardly needs spelling out again, but that's never stopped Mills & Boon before. 'As ever, the advice here is simple – for readers to get on board with behaviour they might disapprove of, the characters’ reasoning needs to be watertight and empathetic.' Character motivation should always make sense, but when dealing with infidelity or murder it's probably especially important. Once you've added depth and conviction to your protagonists, while maintaining the hero's brooding, enigmatic intensity, how do you have them survive as a couple and make it to a kiss and declaration of eternal devotion against a backdrop of expensive exoticism considering the cheating, foetal-termination and fatal drugging of the elderly that occurred during their courtship? 'Obviously the hero and heroine need to have a happy ending – in the wonderful world of category romance, this goes without saying.' Hmm, or so you'd think. Still, sometimes it is worth saying something that doesn't need to be said if for no other reason than saying something, and with that Elise Windmill assumes she has solved the problem and can move on.

However, the more keen-eyed observers will have noticed that Romance HQ solved nothing, but those keen-eyed observers should not fret, because there is no difficulty an author can face that can't be fixed with the sudden appearance of a supporting character. 'It doesn’t necessarily follow that all secondary characters need a HEA – sometimes, a tragic subplot adds complexity and raw power that throws the happy ending into even more bright relief.' Precisely, once you have introduced a best friend, patient, colleague, client or parent the reader will have no qualms about the fate that befalls them, allowing you to indulge your peculiar desire to kill someone off, visit a clinic or destitute a single parent. As Bewildered Heart has noted in novels such as Under the Millionaire's Influence and The Domino Effect once the central couple are married and pregnant no one seems to care what happens to anyone else, safe in the knowledge that love always finds a way to redeem those who matter.

Nevertheless, 'Don’t shy away from exploring the darker side of life in your romances. What’s important to remember is that the lower the lows, the higher those highs need to be. If you’re going to make your readers cry with sadness, the joy pay-off needs to be H-U-G-E!' That spells huge, and what's more joyful than a huge pay-off? The happiest endings are born from the lowliest of beginnings. Readers want their heroines to deserve the handsome billionaire they inevitably end up with having suffered for him physically, emotionally and however else. Jane Eyre has a nightmarish struggle before the empty shell of Mr. Rochester is her own, and Cathy Earnshaw takes things a step further and dies in agony before she and Heathcliff are able to settle down. Death brings us on nicely to Windmill's next insight. 'There’s also the grey area of ‘temporary’ happy endings – for example, if your hero or heroine is terminally ill and their happy ending is for the next twenty years rather than for life.' That's quite an optimistic forecast for a terminal illness and yet a slightly confused understanding of how life typically ends.

Next up is the latest trend in romance writing, what Windmill describes as the Modern Two-Part Epic, which is a fancy way to pretend that a sequel was always intended. This very weblog has been calling for follow-ups and novels that explore, 'What happens after the couple is married / confessed their love etc.' As the article continues Romance HQ notes how this very idea is fundamentally at odds with the tropes of the genre, and it is debatable whether anyone would want to read a story about married life and realistic representations of relationships. Therefore, much like Windmill we should forget this notion was ever brought up and move onto hardcore pornography. 'Whilst all Mills & Boon books can be categorised as female fantasy fiction to some extent, to our minds even our sexiest fiction falls in the ‘highly sensual’ camp rather than the ‘erotica’ camp because the main purpose is to entertain, not (gulp) arouse.' Heh, gulp. In as much seriousness as possible, though, it is noteworthy that Mills & Boon has admitted its product is supposed to be enjoyable, albeit not for the obvious reasons.

The point is, 'This doesn’t mean we’re not open to more explicit exploration of women’s sexual fantasies. Targeting your series is crucial here, but don’t be afraid to let your imagination run wild. We’ve already successfully embraced spanking, light bondage and the complete opposite, male impotence.' Whether or not you're doubtful about the validity of that last statement it seems safe to assume that male impotence was cured by a good woman's love. Nevertheless, dealing with all manner of issues on the spectrum of sexuality the advice is the same for every other supposedly unsuitable theme or plot point, 'As long as it’s in keeping with your characters, emotionally motivated and not introduced for mere kinky thrills, don’t be shy about giving that sizzle some oomph!' Why someone would introduce spanking or male impotence into their sex life for any reason other than kinky thrills is not explained. Nevertheless, any brave author that does sail close to that proverbial wind and still finds the audacity to pull it off surely deserves more than an unsubstantiated referential aside on a blog no one studies too closely.

"Now I feel like a receptacle - an empty vessel to be filled at his whim"

Just as filmmakers and movie stars have the Oscars, musicians have the Grammys and Bewildered Hearts have nothing, romance novelists have the Romantic Novel of the Year Awards, or RONAs to give them a hip acronym. Much like publishers, bloggers and members of the public the Romantic Novelists' Association separate the genre into five categories, covering every style in which people show affection. There's Contemporary, for the fashionable, Historical, for the old-fashioned, Young Adult, for the young adults, Comedy, for those with a sense of humour and Epic, for those with time on their hands. Somewhat foolishly, the victorious books were announced on the 26th of February, presumably in the belief that no other ceremonies were taking place that week. Those five winners will now contest for Romantic Novel of the Year, to be announced in May. Much like publishers, bloggers and members of the public the RNA chooses to ostracise the work of Mills & Boon, creating the RONA Rose for, 'Category or series and shorter romance - novels that focus on the developing love affair between the hero and heroine.' Unfortunately none of books deemed eligible for this award are considered for the main prize, but previous winners include such Bewildered Heart keywords as Kate Hardy and Liz Fielding. From this year's selection there are luminaries such as Fiona Harper, two nominations for Scarlet Wilson and titles that play upon the distinctive Mills & Boon custom of mixing gimmick with spoiler.

The six nominees were made of a cross-section of Harlequin's subgenres, although NASCAR yet again failed to make the grade, much like it has as a sport. There were two Historicals, two Rivas and two Medicals, covering every degree of loving from the nostalgic through to whatever Riva is. It is there we begin, with Harper's Always the Best Man. 'Standing at the altar, Damien's breathless as the woman he loves walks towards him - to marry another man.' Uh oh, Damien. Yet he needn't worry, because just like a real life wedding there is always a bridesmaid when all else has failed. Yet Damien can't stand Zoe and Zoe can't stand Damien. She is too vibrant, sexy and exciting for him and he is too handsome, intelligent and honorable for her, but somehow, through the author's sheer force of will, opposites attract, kiss, have numerous bouts of sex and then find love, allowing hero to overcome his inner conflict of being in love with someone else and heroine to overcome her inner conflict of being single and childless. Heidi Rice's The Good, the Bad and the Wild begins implausibly with a famous, sexy, bad-boy scriptwriter, suggesting the Romance genre has finally run out of believable occupations for its heroes. The heroine, Eva, is a timid, yet pretty, genealogy investigator and virgin, who has arrived in San Francisco to tell Nicolo Delisantro that his grandfather is an Italian Duke. Soon a hedonistic and poorly-motivated love affair begins, throwing few obstacles in the way of the characters and ending with everyone even more wealthy, happy and married than they were to begin with.

The two Medical(Tm) offerings are from Scarlet Wilson and both feature female nurses and male doctors finding affection at national landmarks and during obvious holidays. West Wing to Maternity Wing has for its hero yet another world-renowned neonatologist. However, this neonatologist is no ordinary neonatologist (Like the majority of neonatologists), the suitably-monikered Lincoln Adams is the White House neonatologist, but that doesn't seem to have much bearing on the plot. Six years ago, while aboard an aid boat on the Amazon River, Lincoln met Amy Carson and together they shared one glorious summer of hand-holding and wound-treating. Now Amy has returned, pregnant and in need of a trusted friend. Is the baby Lincoln's and how do two medical professionals explain the six year gestation period? Will the love they shared be rekindled? Will the President make a cameo appearance, perhaps to shout, 'Good for you, Doc,' down the Oval Office corridor and into the Rose Garden, where Lincoln gazes longingly into Amy's eyes to tell her he doesn't care who the father is, they're a family no matter what? Will breast cancer be clumsily worked into the narrative for reasons that aren't entirely obvious? If Amy can entrust Linc with her baby will she entrust him with her heart? For answers to all these questions, and possibly more, you would have to read the book.

Wilson's other novel, Her Christmas Eve Diamond, tackles every hospital worker's favourite time of year, late December. 'Nurse Cassidy Rae is a stickler for rules, but even she revels in the magic of Christmas, unlike new registrar Brad Donovan, who hates Christmas. With his surfer-boy looks and cocky charm, he's severely testing Cassidy's goodwill to all men.' Uh oh, Nurse Cassidy Rae, there's nothing sexier than a misbehaving official keeper of records, but how could you spend a life celebrating by-the-book festivities with someone incapable of joy? Brad Anderson has swapped Australia for Scotland to forget his tragic back-story, only to meet the Head Nurse who inspires him to smile once again, while wearing an embarrassing jumper. In turn, perhaps Brad teaches Cassidy to relax and take a more freewheeling approach to running a hospital. The final nominee is the first Harlequin Historical to make the grade, albeit only for its title. Betrothed to the Barbarian is a Carol Townend tale of sacrifice, secrecy and regal responsibility that does not use barbarian as literally as Bewildered Heart had hoped, which is a shame considering the TLC reality show of the same name. Despite her reservations the heroine is forced into a demanding proposition, she must marry a man she loves and wants to marry. Princess Theodora of Constantinople is duty-bound to wed Duke Nikolaos on the orders of the Emperor, but as much as she would like to, she harbours a dark secret. Yes, she is the titular barbarian, having spent ten years in exile where she gave birth to a child. Will her disgrace destroy her future, or will it turn out that through some incredible contrivance the Duke also used to be a barbarian and is, in fact, the father?

Having read the blurbs of the novels that failed to take home the coveted prize, what about the winning book itself? What could have possibly beaten out such eminently readable love stories as those previously discussed? As it turned out Britain's most beloved married couple, Richard and Judy, presented the award to Sarah Mallory for Beneath the Major's Scars, making Mallory a consecutive winner, having triumphed last year with The Dangerous Lord Carrington. Her latest book tells the story of Zelah Pentewan, a spirited heroine with a tragic past who meets and falls for a secretive hero with a tragic past. Fleeing from scandal, having been seduced by a married man and losing her baby during childbirth, she takes a job as a librarian for the enigmatic and facially-scarred Major Dominic Coale. Slowly she warms his cold heart as he persuades her to have a second shot at vulnerability. What follows sounds suspiciously like Beauty and the Beast, sprinkled with the usual Mills & Boon touches, but the powerful conclusion does indeed reveal that beneath the Major's scars there lies a Major, and there are a handful of subplots if this resolution fails to completely satisfy. Without having read the novel, Mallory's effort appears to be a worthy victor, despite negative reviews and unremarkable plotting. What do these five books tell us about the fortunes of Mills & Boon and reader preferences? To answer that question with, 'Very little,' would suggest there was something to learn from all this and therefore the answer, 'Very little,' is misleading.

"A moppet-haired kid who likes impossibly sad music"

Any weblog on the internet that has ever thrown a blog party will be aware that Bewildered Heart has a tendency to arrive late, if at all, to such parties. Therefore it feels nothing short of appropriate to offer an in-depth critique of the opening three chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, the cultural juggernaut that has radically and momentarily altered how people view sex, literature, book sales and traumatized tycoons. The novel begins on the rain-soaked highways leading to Seattle, Washington. Anastasia (Ana to her friends. Hi, Ana!) Steele is on her way to interview the enigmatic billionaire Christian Grey, founder and CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc, multinational conglomerate and maker of things. Ana is a bright, ambitious English major, studying the romantic classics James would be better off not bringing to the reader's mind. Her flatmate and best friend, Kate, was supposed to conduct the meeting herself, but has fallen foul of a narratively expedient sickness. Ana should be studying for finals, but how could she refuse this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to sit down with a successful businessman who never grants audiences, only making the occasional exception for anyone who asks. Even though she has not asked, here she is anyhow, armed only with a Dictaphone, some notes, a tatty outfit and an endearingly feminine clumsiness. Ana is unschooled in cynicism and constantly berates herself for being unattractive, awkward and foolish. Despite this she remains irresistible to all men, with a smattering of fellow students yearning to review her dissertation, as it were, and several colleagues at the hardware store desperate to hammer some nails into her sideboard, again as it were.

Written in a more informal and conversational style than its template Ana's narration still shows glimpses of a disparate home-life that closely resembles that of Bella Swan, including an irresponsible and oft-married mother. Mostly, however, Ana frets about not fitting in and embarrassing herself in front of those with a firm understanding of their own identity. Without an image-conscious, insular high school setting Fifty Shades settles for extravagant wealth. Thus Ana finds herself intimidated by metallic architecture and women able to walk. She mentally prepares for the interview, going over Kate's questions in an incongruous scene when considered against what happens next. Shown into his provocatively enormous office Ana trips over her feet and hits the floor, but who is there to help her up but our novel's hero. Ana is instantly struck by Mr. Grey's youth, less than thirty, his physical beauty, physically beautiful, and his copper-coloured hair, coppery. Much like her spiritual predecessor detailed description proves too much for E.L. James, but the reader is left in no doubt that Grey is very gorgeous. Perpetually blushing, Ana begins to probe her subject, revealing that beneath the well-groomed surface lies a smug and arrogant control freak. Nevertheless, his personality does little to sway her strong attraction for him, suggesting Ana was paying attention when reading the novels of Jane Austen and the Brontë sisters.

Christian Grey is the embodiment of the modern Byronic hero, wealthy and powerful, dismissive and sexist, dark and good-looking, brooding and intense, mysterious and seemingly always running out of duct tape. Ana can do nothing in the force of raw masculinity but fall down, ask over-familiar questions and somehow beguile and unwittingly seduce, as she does with every man she meets. The next day Christian happens to be passing Ana's workplace and stops in to purchase some rope. They get to talking while shopping for questionable items and a photoshoot is arranged to accompany Kate's profile. The gang of possibly significant student characters descend on the most decadent hotel in the local area to snap some portraits and leap to some conclusions, before Christian invites Ana to drink hot beverages and swap biographical information at the most decadent café in the local area. At the coffee house we learn that Ana's favourite tea is Twining's English Breakfast, and logic dictates that this must surely become an important plot point later. Ana does not drink coffee and does not eat in front of men, but Christian enjoys coffee and is fond of blueberry muffins, yet despite their indubitably different lifestyles the pair seem smitten and determined to gaze longingly at one other whilst speaking in euphemisms. Briefly, Christian finds time to save Ana's life after another glaring moment of ungainliness and there the third chapter ends leaving the reader to hope something worthwhile will happen in the remaining three hundred pages.

After fifty pages of navel-gazing we have witnessed a relatively docile and old-fashioned courtship between an unworldly virgin and a ruthless tycoon who will stop at nothing to possess her, as politely as he is able to. The writing is clichéd, the characters are bland archetypes, the plot is predictable and had Mills & Boon been the publisher Ana would have accidentally stumbled upon an iron maiden locked inside a wardrobe by now. Naturally, Ana's infatuation with Christian Grey is purely physical, as the conflicts thrown in the way of their relationship are either emotional or cerebral. James handles this attraction with amateurish concision, making her leading man the embodiment of masculine perfection, yet she fails to properly foreshadow his dark side with satisfying menace. His haunted back-story and misogynistic need for dominance are portrayed with a slight, knowing curling of the lips. What little light this sheds on the hero it offers less on the heroine, as her decision-making is unthinking and trouble-free. This does not conjure a great deal of optimism for the moral dilemmas she will soon face, but it is safe to assume E.L. James will force as much inevitability into the forthcoming crux of the book's concept as she does in the opening scenes of mutual admiration.

Ana's naïvety and impassivity appear to be her defining characteristics and are surely appealing to experienced perfectionists with mother issues like Christian Grey, but this creates an uncomfortable confection combining romantic fairytale with erotic psychological drama. Modern Harlequin Romances such as The Billionaire's Housekeeper Mistress, Bedded at the Billionaire's Convenience and The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal each tread a similar line to Fifty Shades of Grey, suggesting the formula has its followers, but anyone paying even the remotest attention will have already understood that Christian Grey's desires run deeper than those of the idealised husband material found in the aforementioned novels. Thus the Fifty Shades trilogy is a heightened version of Solicititilation, with the heroine using her womanly patience and empathy to help a billionaire overcome his behaviour problems and teach him to stop treating her like a live-in prostitute.

Christian Grey is an exaggerated alpha male, still arrogant and obsessive, but now bringing his flaws into the bedroom for additional complications. James sets out to interlace her conventional Cinderella-style love story with elements of mystery-thrillers and Bildungsroman, exploring notions of conformity and female empowerment. At this early stage character motivation is undetermined, which gives the drama the illusion of compulsion, but what makes the novel a page-turner is symptomatic of poor writing. What does Christian Grey want with Anastasia, besides the obvious things, and why does he want those obvious things from her, besides the obvious reasons? Does he represent a threat to Ana's well-being, her morality and long-term life-goals? Furthermore, does Ana have objectives of her own, for a career, a family or a remote cabin in the woods to scrawl Neo-Luddist rhetoric? How much does she risk from entering into a relationship with this charismatic tyrant? Will she lose her friends, her degree, her sense of self or her sanity due to her love for a man, and how will she reconcile this against the lessons of her literary heroines? If she can have everything she wants without losing anything in return why would an author bother to tell her story?

"His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something"

Perhaps in response to those who have complained that the internet is a ceaseless chasm of nonsense with not nearly enough within it USA Today's Serena Chase gathered several authors to discuss romance fiction for their website. During their conversations, separated into five parts, they touched upon such obvious issues as the prejudices casual observers hold against romance, what it means to be a feminist, why men should read their novels, how the latest trends don't affect them, why hardcore erotica isn't for everyone and how the advent of virtual dating may twist their stories into cautionary tales of sensationalist horror. While nothing more than a shameless opportunity to mention their work, the discussion was steered into potentially interesting areas on occasion, and perhaps in response to those who have complained that the internet is a ceaseless chasm of nonsense with not nearly enough within it Bewildered Heart has chosen to analyse a few of the comments for the sake of a few cheap laughs.

Where better to begin than with romance itself, and furthermore how it applies to the modern woman, for whom romance is as dead as chivalry and quality literature. Rachel Hauck gets us off to an uncertain start by failing to understand the meaning of definition, 'Everyone wants true love. How I define romance is the person with whom you are most comfortable.' This statement might seem entirely meaningless, but it soon loses its anaemia once studied alongside the other replies. Sharon Cameron and Kathy Tyers agree that the most romantic books are their own. 'My favorite stories are about the tension and the draw, about emotion and a dawning respect where little or no physical contact takes place,' Cameron says. This is only natural a point of view. After all, love, as scientists understand it, is a chemical reaction of the brain and brains are traditionally where emotions occur. Whereas modern love stories have placed special emphasis on sordid lust there will always be room for feelings in romance fiction, in order for the characters and stories to offer the impression of credibility. The authoress' pronouncements lead to predictable criticisms of enviable tales of success, as the Fifty Shades trilogy fails to satisfy the conventions of classical romance by trading emotion and dawning respect for little else but physical contact.

Choosing a route less travelled Chase also chatted to four male authors of Inspirational Romance. First of all, what are Inspys? Harlequin's Love Inspired Range offers, 'Strong contemporary romances with a Christian worldview and wholesome values.' In an attempt to broaden the appeal of this venture even further, two offshoots were created, Love Inspired Suspense and Love Inspired Historical. The attention of each line tends towards emotional connection, community and family in small-town America or close-knit urban sprawl America. In contrast to other strong contemporary romances Inspys prefer to avoid premarital sex, violence, drugs, alcohol, profanity and secular gambling. Once the hero and heroine marry, of course, all proverbial hell presumably breaks loose. The publishers specifically ask that prospective novels do not contain, 'A didactic, preachy tone or doctrinal language.' This does not leave an aspiring author much to fill their books with, besides casual praise to the Lord for inventing clouds. Away from Mills & Boon, however, and the freedoms of Inspirational Romance are greater, with the exploration of darker themes and the potential for requited desire combining to leave the subgenre indiscernible from the rest.

For more we turn to the insights of Dan Walsh, Murray Pura, M.K. Gilroy and John Campbell Clark, all men who write powerful romantic literature that finds time to give every due credit to God. Walsh is a former Pastor with a goatee beard who writes love stories and family-life dramas featuring a definite article followed by a thing, such as The Dance, The Homecoming, The Discovery and The Reunion. Fellow Pastor Pura has a Degree in Divinity and has written several books with possibly enigmatic titles, including The Wings of Morning and The Face of Heaven. Gilroy writes mystery suspense novels with subtle religious undertones, with titles borrowed from song lyrics by some of the world's most bland recording artists, for example Cuts Like a Knife and Every Breath You Take. Finally, Clark co-authored Echoes of Titanic with wife Mindy Starns Clark. The dual-narrative thriller deals with a heroine battling to save her company with the man she once loved as new allegations surface about her great-grandmother, a Titanic survivor turned business owner.

Chase asks the question every Bewildered Heart would surely ask given the opportunity to talk with the very men who write the books they have never heard of and have little interest in reading. Fellas, what is the point? Dan Walsh goes big with his response, 'Perhaps (what I write will) provide a voice — in my case a male voice — for how God views this important topic. To me, there's a terrible distortion of God's nature and design for love and romance.' There is no more noble an aspiration than writing the kinds of love stories the Almighty would write if He were available and needed the money. Considering the success of His early work Mills & Boon would be fools to reject a long-awaited follow-up. Murray Pura has more modest objectives, and takes a similar view to his female counterparts, 'Love is the hope of the world, whether it is the love of God, the love of friendship, the love of family, or the love of romance.' There are few more important subjects to write about than human relationships, and therefore, Chase wonders, why is this genre critically and culturally dismissed as emotional porn or poorly-written?

In order to explain such a reaction to Christian Romance M.K. Gilroy elucidates, 'Sometimes romance is defined too closely to a highly emotive expressiveness.' Now, there are words in that sentence, but possibly not all of them are correct. Be that as it may, Gilroy might have made a perceptive comment. Are the perimeters used to measure romance fiction too narrow? Are the characters in their novels processing emotions in a way their readers do not in their own lives? Who is ultimately to blame for the flaws of the genre, the authors or the people who find flaws? Gilroy's point, however, is that besides comparing themselves to romantic heroes in terms of physical beauty, career, wealth and love-making ability, there is also a danger regular men will be made to feel inferior by the hero's ability to speak openly and honestly about his feelings, even though such protagonists are consistently portrayed as arrogance and cruel. The author's advice to those unable to articulate their emotions? 'Inspirational romance reminds all of us that there comes a time when we have to say it loud and with real words: "I love you," "I'm sorry," "I'm glad you're mine."' So there you are. Problem solved. Thanks, professional writers.

For Murray Pura, 'Writing about love — falling in love, the ecstasy of the kisses and touches and feelings — is beautiful; one of the most beautiful gifts humans have been given.' Of course, he would say that, but Inspirational Romance is so named because it celebrates and glorifies God's most precious hand-me-down. Yet conscientious of dismissive critical attitudes Pura goes onto temper his enthusiasm with a rational warning. 'The more we write and talk about love the better. But the writing needs to be as good as it possibly can be for such an important theme, not overly sentimental or badly described or lacking strength and passion.' Pura's genre has seen grand statements like this one before, but their noble intentions are rarely bolstered by books containing what they want to achieve. Venerable rhetoric may attract inquisitive tenderfoots, but Inspirational Romance novelists will need more than words to secure a dedicated readership.

“The words were the biggest lie he'd told in the past five minutes”

When we left Once Upon a Wedding at the end of its third chapter the plot had become fully formed, with little for Stacy Connelly left to write except the remaining forty thousand words. Kelsey Wilson had begun her career as a wedding planner and independent businesswoman. Her first client was her socialite cousin, Emily, whose ceremony to Todd Dunworthy would have to run smoothly if Kelsey would ever become a success and win the approval of her aunt, uncle and the deceased mother she hardly knew. There was only one problem, and that arrived in the masculine shape of Connor McClane, Emily's bad boy ex-boyfriend, who seemed intent on breaking up the wedding and being handsome. Aunt Charlene sensed trouble and sent Kelsey to dispel Connor back to under the rock he crawled out from. Naturally, plans went awry as Kelsey has always been a sucker for gorgeous men wearing sunglasses and comfortable jeans. Equally, Connor became smitten with Kelsey, because Connelly needed him to be, and all of a sudden the game was afoot, with mysterious pasts, hidden neuroses and life-changing secrets ready to shatter the happiness no one particularly felt.

Kelsey cannot fall in love with Connor, even though she already has, not when he continues to romantically pursue Emily, even though he isn't. Meanwhile, Connor cannot fall in love with Kelsey, even though he already has, not when she is the one coordinating Emily's wedding, even though that hardly seems important. What Connor should be concentrating on is proving Todd is unsuitable for Emily, just as Connor himself was all those years ago. Wanting to keep him within her sights, for any number of reasons, Kelsey tags along on several stake-outs, which all lead nowhere. Fortunately for the plot, Connor has sent his colleague to Florida to find out what happened to a former Dunworthy maid, and with actual plot developments taking place elsewhere, Connor and Kelsey can concentrate on staring at one another swooning. In terms of inner conflict there are a couple of contrivances for the hero and heroine to overcome, but with both problems simply solved by an honest conversation there is plenty of time for hot dinners, the wearing of hot clothes, the arranging of flowers, sex, decorating offices and sitting in cars looking at buildings while sweating.

Kelsey must accept her place alongside her two cousins, as part of the family and no longer as the ugly duckling who doesn't belong. However, this listless form of self-loathing is easily defeated once a desirable man shows an interest, empowering her to become the woman that man allows her to be. Furthermore, Kelsey must stop vilifying her Uncle for the callous way with which he treated his sister, Kelsey's mother. This inconsequential issue is resolved with one statement and a brief explanation of the statement, at which point life seems grand for the Wilson Family. Connor, meanwhile, has his own sad story to tell, and tell it he probably should. After all, in all likelihood Kelsey will never forgive him for his past sins, and their relationship will be over before it has even begun. Ingenuous as always, Connor has the sense to wait until after sex and someone else revealing the truth before he comes clean. Of course, Kelsey realises his accepting of a bribe was the honourable and selfless thing to do, because it isn't stealing if the money is for a good cause, and what's a better cause than investment?

With inner conflicts externalised as love-making and happiness just a denouement away, there remains enough time to ruin a perfectly good wedding. As Connor's fellow private detective has learned from tactically seducing a vulnerable immigrant Todd had been impregnating the help as his romance with Emily developed. There is no greater misdeed among the wealthy than fathering a child with a foreign maid, and as a result the Dunworthy clan have shunned their disgraced offspring, leaving him no choice but to marry into money to win their affection back. While Todd denies this possibly spurious accusation from a complete stranger with an axe to grind, the Wilson's accept Connor's verbal evidence, powerless to stop the hurried plot from reaching its necessary conclusion. All that is left is for two people to take the places of bride and groom in Kelsey's fairytale, picturebook wedding, and who better than Kelsey herself, alongside every woman's ideal man, Connor. Emily, meanwhile, will probably survive and maybe feature in her own spin-off, meeting Connor's best friend, Javier, at what was supposed to be her ceremony and almost immediately having The Wedding She Always Wanted, although due to the financial background and ethnic nature of her husband probably not the wedding her parents had always dreamed of.

It is difficult to predict the reactions of Connelly's characters, however, due to their malleable personalities when faced with the full force of the storyline. Surprising twists appear more incongruous reversals of opinion than unpredictable narrative turns, and the major issue at the heart of the concept, the scandalous affair between Connor and Emily and the resulting bribery, isn't so much dealt with as much as it is reduced to frivolity through a warped sense of justice. Kelsey shrugs off what appears to be betrayal as noble indiscretion and Connor strides past his mistakes with a forceful, manly gait. As Once Upon a Wedding begins Connor's unwavering instincts are in question due to his previous case almost ending in tragedy, yet this is later revealed to be a courageous act of physic prowess.

Perhaps because of the constraints of Harlequin Mills & Boon Connelly consistently fails to engage the reader with anything approaching depth. She instead relies on a drip-feed of references that turn out to be a series of purposeful deceits. Connor's flaws are exposed as virtues just as Kelsey's stunning beauty, fierce independence and worldly intelligence are reappraised as positive traits. Still, even this basic failure could have been redeemed by the distraction of Connor's investigation, but the detective element lacks credibility and revelations, suggesting tthis was nothing more than a tedious excuse to keep the characters entwined, allowing emotional honesty and personal arcs to linger, stagnant and unresolved. The novel concludes not with the hero and heroine changing, but the universe around them altering to acknowledge their superiority. Thus the complete absence of worthwhile obstacles makes for a lifeless story and a unsatisfactory ending, despite the marriage and eternal bliss, and if Mills & Boon believe their followers will be satisfied with marriage and eternal bliss they have seriously under-estimated their readership.