“I flush, and somewhere deep, deep down my muscles clench deliciously”

During these long, uncomfortable months spent searching Fifty Shades of Grey for quotes to take out of context, Bewildered Heart neglected its trusted source of nonsensical utterances, the how-to essays from Romance HQ. There remains something of a taboo to consider and that is taboos. Over at Romance is Not Dead Elise Windmill has shed light on Mills & Boon's attitude towards the topics no one dare discuss in an article entitled Sailing Close to the Wind and Pulling It Off. To extrapolate this sentence sailing would be writing while the wind would be contentiousness. The boat would therefore be you, gentle writer, or your novel. Without wind the boat would remain floating on the water, which may prove ideal for fishing, but this sailing expedition is not interesting in fish, but rather reaching land, with the land representing publishing success. Yet what if the boat is motorised with the motor perhaps symbolising talent, making the need for wind and sails largely irrelevant? Can the motor combine with the weather for greater speed, bringing you to your destination even more quickly? What if you want to sail into the wind and the motorised propellers are not powerful enough for forward momentum? Can you use an oar of convincing dialogue without the need of the life-jacket of conformity?

For an article asking so many profound questions let us waste no more time on analysis. Harlequin Romances are not renowned for their challenging material, causing offence or choosing realism, and this has tended to send a message that there are boundaries in Mills & Boon, but is this accurate? 'Let’s set the message straight, once and for all: there are no boundaries in Mills & Boon!' That certainly sounds unequivocal, but is this accurate? 'Having said that, there are some themes that will inevitably provoke strong reactions in readers.' Yet isn't that a great thing? 'This can be a great thing – everyone loves a bit of controversy!' Indeed, the indisputably positive reaction is what always makes controversy so controversial. Still, there's no sense engendering hand-wringing and forehead-furrowing without having an actual objective. 'The aim of the game is to explore a conflict/theme/issue in a thought-provoking, ultimately uplifting, way that adds unique depth to your romance.'

Therefore the rhetoric remains consistent with everything Romance HQ has taught us over the years, as long as a story is handled with credibility and tact any amount of violent crime, war, bestiality, poverty and suffering is fine and dandy. Windmill has her own ethical concerns though, 'Issues like infidelity/abortion/euthanasia (to select just a few at random from my ‘moral dilemma’ scrapbook…!) can be notoriously difficult to motivate sympathetically and/or weave into a compelling romance.' Yet why have a 'Moral Dilemma' Scrapbook unless you plan on shoehorning some into your next potential manuscript? Naturally, for a publisher proffering fairytale aspirations to a readership seeking escapism there seems little point in delving into the dark territory Windmill mentions, unless those issues are handled expertly, in which case your novel will not only be deeply insensitive, but also beautifully crafted.

It hardly needs spelling out again, but that's never stopped Mills & Boon before. 'As ever, the advice here is simple – for readers to get on board with behaviour they might disapprove of, the characters’ reasoning needs to be watertight and empathetic.' Character motivation should always make sense, but when dealing with infidelity or murder it's probably especially important. Once you've added depth and conviction to your protagonists, while maintaining the hero's brooding, enigmatic intensity, how do you have them survive as a couple and make it to a kiss and declaration of eternal devotion against a backdrop of expensive exoticism considering the cheating, foetal-termination and fatal drugging of the elderly that occurred during their courtship? 'Obviously the hero and heroine need to have a happy ending – in the wonderful world of category romance, this goes without saying.' Hmm, or so you'd think. Still, sometimes it is worth saying something that doesn't need to be said if for no other reason than saying something, and with that Elise Windmill assumes she has solved the problem and can move on.

However, the more keen-eyed observers will have noticed that Romance HQ solved nothing, but those keen-eyed observers should not fret, because there is no difficulty an author can face that can't be fixed with the sudden appearance of a supporting character. 'It doesn’t necessarily follow that all secondary characters need a HEA – sometimes, a tragic subplot adds complexity and raw power that throws the happy ending into even more bright relief.' Precisely, once you have introduced a best friend, patient, colleague, client or parent the reader will have no qualms about the fate that befalls them, allowing you to indulge your peculiar desire to kill someone off, visit a clinic or destitute a single parent. As Bewildered Heart has noted in novels such as Under the Millionaire's Influence and The Domino Effect once the central couple are married and pregnant no one seems to care what happens to anyone else, safe in the knowledge that love always finds a way to redeem those who matter.

Nevertheless, 'Don’t shy away from exploring the darker side of life in your romances. What’s important to remember is that the lower the lows, the higher those highs need to be. If you’re going to make your readers cry with sadness, the joy pay-off needs to be H-U-G-E!' That spells huge, and what's more joyful than a huge pay-off? The happiest endings are born from the lowliest of beginnings. Readers want their heroines to deserve the handsome billionaire they inevitably end up with having suffered for him physically, emotionally and however else. Jane Eyre has a nightmarish struggle before the empty shell of Mr. Rochester is her own, and Cathy Earnshaw takes things a step further and dies in agony before she and Heathcliff are able to settle down. Death brings us on nicely to Windmill's next insight. 'There’s also the grey area of ‘temporary’ happy endings – for example, if your hero or heroine is terminally ill and their happy ending is for the next twenty years rather than for life.' That's quite an optimistic forecast for a terminal illness and yet a slightly confused understanding of how life typically ends.

Next up is the latest trend in romance writing, what Windmill describes as the Modern Two-Part Epic, which is a fancy way to pretend that a sequel was always intended. This very weblog has been calling for follow-ups and novels that explore, 'What happens after the couple is married / confessed their love etc.' As the article continues Romance HQ notes how this very idea is fundamentally at odds with the tropes of the genre, and it is debatable whether anyone would want to read a story about married life and realistic representations of relationships. Therefore, much like Windmill we should forget this notion was ever brought up and move onto hardcore pornography. 'Whilst all Mills & Boon books can be categorised as female fantasy fiction to some extent, to our minds even our sexiest fiction falls in the ‘highly sensual’ camp rather than the ‘erotica’ camp because the main purpose is to entertain, not (gulp) arouse.' Heh, gulp. In as much seriousness as possible, though, it is noteworthy that Mills & Boon has admitted its product is supposed to be enjoyable, albeit not for the obvious reasons.

The point is, 'This doesn’t mean we’re not open to more explicit exploration of women’s sexual fantasies. Targeting your series is crucial here, but don’t be afraid to let your imagination run wild. We’ve already successfully embraced spanking, light bondage and the complete opposite, male impotence.' Whether or not you're doubtful about the validity of that last statement it seems safe to assume that male impotence was cured by a good woman's love. Nevertheless, dealing with all manner of issues on the spectrum of sexuality the advice is the same for every other supposedly unsuitable theme or plot point, 'As long as it’s in keeping with your characters, emotionally motivated and not introduced for mere kinky thrills, don’t be shy about giving that sizzle some oomph!' Why someone would introduce spanking or male impotence into their sex life for any reason other than kinky thrills is not explained. Nevertheless, any brave author that does sail close to that proverbial wind and still finds the audacity to pull it off surely deserves more than an unsubstantiated referential aside on a blog no one studies too closely.

“Darn him for making even sarcasm look sexy!”

Anyone with a rational mind might have surmised that the article on happy endings that concluded Chapter Three of Secrets Uncovered would have signalled the end of the advice-giving. Typically of the logical, however, their brains serve no purpose when working out what goes on in romance fiction. Unsurprisingly Mills & Boon have one more epiphany to share, and even less startlingly that final piece of wisdom concerns unpredictability. Such a concept is not traditionally applied to the genre. In fact, the exact opposite is considered a major selling point. After all, boy must meet girl and boy must be handsome and wealthy, while the girl must be demure, beautiful and a twenty-seven year old virgin who has never recovered emotionally from being abandoned by her father. At a given point the couple must cede to overwhelming carnal desire and indulge in spectacular, life-affirming sex. By the end of the novel they must have overcome their petty differences and unresolved paternal anxieties to marry and make countless babies. What could possibly be unforeseeable in this classic formula that hasn't worked yet and shows no signs of fixing itself?

'At Romance HQ unpredictability has become the buzzword of 2011 – we’re constantly discussing and promoting ways to ensure our authors are producing the most exciting stories possible.' As we near the end of whatever we are calling this year it is safe to assume that the current buzzword is sadomasochism, and that development certainly seems fitting. Nevertheless, there is no reason to think that unpredictability will fall out of fashion, after all predictability remains as vibrant and popular as it always has. Therefore the fact that it has taken Bewildered Heart over a year to read a short e-book should not make this weblog entry any less relevant. Thrusting aside preconceived notions that Mills & Boon is misguided, what can aspiring authors learn from this hastily thrown together afterthought of a tip devoid of inspiration and sentences worth cutting and pasting? 'Less successful submissions tend to share a common flaw - a reliance on the same tried-and-tested conflicts and themes (‘I’ll write a Greek hero and a marriage of convenience!’).' Followers of Bewildered Heart should brace themselves for the realisation that Secrets Uncovered might have confused unpredictability with originality, and it wouldn't be the first time. No matter though, because their statement remains as true as their continued dedication to not publishing any new books featuring Greek heroes and marriages of convenience, and both.

'For everyone who likes a definition, in Romance HQ-speak, an unpredictable story delivers a compelling happy-ever-after that takes the reader on an unanticipated, cliché-free and emotionally engaging journey.' This adorable explanation helps to illustrate that unpredictability can be defined by a synonym and two characteristics a reader would never associate with Mills & Boon. These qualities must be the original twists the publishers claim to be constantly on the search for. Yet no definition would be loveable without a series of antonyms that aren't particularly beneficial. 'We don't mean crazy plot twists, inconsistent behaviour or random genre mash-ups – it’s definitely not an excuse to replace conflict with crashing plot devices!' These are wise words indeed, as no amount of unconventional story-telling justifies incompetence. Still, it remains hypocritical of the purveyors of Paranormal, Medical™ and NASCAR to summarily dismiss random genre mash-ups. Who knows what else can be combined with a love story to expose new ways in which to view love, as we have seen with the addition of cupcakes, Spaniards and Washington State.

Despite the publisher's challenge we are no closer to understanding how to imbue romance fiction with unique revelations that will force readers from their comfortable chairs and hazy alcoholic stupors. What does Mills & Boon want? 'Don’t panic, we’re not asking for radical differences!' Phew, eh. After all, if we were brimming with creativity we wouldn't have chosen romance as our favoured genre. 'You’ve heard this before, and we’ll say it again – it’s all in the characters! The best way to create a strong conflict and story is by starting with two interesting, original characters with a compelling story to tell.' It is appropriate that even an essay on unpredictability will revert back to the same insight every how-to guide uses. These books begin and end with the hero and heroine. It would appear that once you have a one-of-a-kind Greek billionaire and a never-before-seen virginal orphan twenty-something caught up in an innovative version of a marriage of convenience your novel will tell itself, leaving you to work on the name and location changing that amounts to writing a follow-up.

For the redundancy of their article Mills & Boon is sensible to endlessly repeat their mantra. The unavoidable conclusion of Secrets Uncovered is that despite everything to the contrary there are no inventive ideas to revolutionise romance fiction and there doesn't need to be. Aspiring authors are best served simply telling their stories well. Through depth, humanity and honesty clichés can prove what made them such strong concepts in the first place, worthy of their endless recycling. Now Bewildered Heart has finished stripping Secrets Uncovered for parts there seems no more suitable time for a full evaluation, but there is little point. Much like romance novels themselves the e-book has a single idea bulked out with rambling padding. Even the single idea is a weak one, the straight-forward assertion that characters are everything. No words are wasted on sentence structure or how to infuriate your reader with a clumsy simile comparing the churning in the heroine's stomach to a sinking boat on a stormy ocean of concupiscence. Perhaps such skills come naturally. Before the inevitable panic does kicks in, there is one way to bring genuine originality to your novel. 'If you want to tackle a more controversial theme, go for it!' There you are. Not only the inspiration, but more importantly the permission.

Harlequin's quest for vitality has seen it attempt to escape its reputation for generic romances grandmothers read. Nowadays hip, young perverts are found buying Twilight and Fifty Shades by the wheelbarrow-load. Mills & Boon have struggled in vain to prosper from this audience, consistently thwarted by their own authors playing it safe. Of course, the aforementioned phenomena are about as ground-breaking as they are scandalous, but their sales reflect a change in reader mood. There may never have been a more suitable time for pertinence to be introduced into romance fiction. What are these contentious issues Secrets Uncovered talks of? Racism, ugliness, elitism, actual prostitution, the list of options seems endless and increasingly unlikely to ever be published. In September Harlequin Teen printed Speechless, a Hannah Harrington novel involving a vow of silence following a hate crime. She somehow finds love and learns any lessons Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak forgot to teach. Might Harlequin adults follow Harlequin teens in dealing with realistic social problems in a way that isn’t deeply offensive? Would such earnest examinations benefit from being interwoven into an idealised love story with a happy ending? Are there serious and divisive subjects connected to relationships worthy of exploration and later a possible mention on Romance Novels for Feminists? There appears to be only the one way to find out and a firm rejection from the improved, politically-conscious Mills & Boon would only serve to exemplify their hypocrisy, and that would prove just as satisfying as seeing a book on the shelf.

“Why did his deep voice pour like hot fudge through her veins?”

Following the debatable success of New Voices Mills & Boon have returned with a different occasional competition, named Fast Track and dedicated to discovering the unearthed talents toiling in the field of Medical™ Romance, a subgenre Bewildered Heart shall now lay claim to an understanding of. In 2010, when the previous call for submissions was announced, Romance HQ received one hundred and seventy-four entries, promising to read and respond to each within the month. From the deluge of opening chapters submitted five new authors saw their novels published and their pseudonyms in print. This June Mills & Boon hope to repeat the trick, and so send the call out to all disillusioned healthcare workers with vacation-time and hazy dreams of frustration and embarrassment in a poorly-paid industry. Send a first chapter and a two-page synopsis to Richmond, London and the publishers promise a prompt rejection. It is just that easy!

Naturally the masses of frantic writers chancing their arm at literary doctors and nurses cannot go into this opportunity blind to the demands of Medical™, and therefore two handy guides have been written and posted online. The first is a simple list of top ten hints, borrowed from the numerous other top ten hint lists, but now with words such as medicine, surgeon and bedside replacing those beloved standards blackmail, billionaire and bedroom. For help we turn to a Thesaurus and novelist Fiona Lowe. Having read the submission guidelines in preparation for Neurosurgeon... and Mum! many of the insights are predictable and short-sighted, but surely a seasoned professional like the author of The Playboy Doctor's Marriage Proposal can conjure up some much-needed wisdom. 'Having your hero and heroine work together is very important because it keeps them on the page together and avoids “token” medical scenes. Your reader wants to see the relationship growing and it’s a lot harder to show this if they don’t work together.' The sheer number of times the word together was used in that statement suggests the aspiring author's couple must be paired in close proximity throughout the story. Keeping your leads apart, even in separate countries without the means to communicate, often results in a stunted development of their affections. This alternative also forces the narrative to rely on arbitrary sickness to fill the quota of health scenes, allowing the plot's momentum to flag even further, as we witnessed repeatedly throughout Kate Hardy's novel, published by Mills & Boon.

'Dare we say it but our medical heroes are divine and a little bit different from other category heroes. They’re strong, independent and focused, but they have compassion, heart and a bedside manner to die for.' Not literally, mind, because this publisher does not take kindly to displays of irony or death. Nevertheless, the adjectives not related to their job description are consistent with all romance alphas, thus this piece of perceptive analysis should not be considered useful by anyone planning their potential competition attempt. 'Due to the huge variety of specialisations in medicine, this opens up a huge array of settings... the outback, flying doctors, ER, small town, big city, drop-in centre, the White House, Africa, sports medicine, surgery, midwifery and complimentary.' Yes, as Mills & Boon have reminded their readers and authors beyond the point of repetition, anything is possible and acceptable. The only limitation is your imagination, but before you allow that to wander off to levitating surgeons healing the President's tennis elbow by unorthodox means, there are a few more hints to consider that might well destroy the credibility of that earlier sentence.

'Popular themes in medical romances are midwifery, paediatrics, surgery, secret babies, miracle babies, bachelor dads, Mediterranean docs, new-found families with young children, – families with young children, billionaire and posh docs, playboys docs, royalty, aristocracy, sheikhs – duty to patients or title?' The list is endless if you are willing to repeat the same phrase ad infinitum. From the inception of romance fiction the interests of its readers have not changed beyond the gradual approval of foreigners. Medical™ taps into universal common ground and the combination of finding love, prolonging the lives of the elderly, babies being adorable and technical language has solidified the subgenre as enduringly fashionable. The next step, Harlequin mistakenly claims, is to find methods to reinvigorate classic themes while remaining true to the much-loved, recognisable archetypes. However, all Fast Track asks for is the opening chapter, so it is more advisable to forget any grand notions of reinventing hospital love and concentrate on the second essay, How To Set Our Pulses Racing... assembled by the very editors who should know what they are looking for.

The points found here never stray too far from reminding the potential author that they must not display utter incompetence at the art of writing. Therefore we are told to capture the reader's attention from the first sentence, not use clichés, think before typing, focus on the characters, make the hero handsome and the heroine nice as well as medical professionals, and finally sow those conflict seeds to give the reader something to read while they stare absent-mindedly at the book. There is one additional argument tailored to the particular category romance. 'Immerse your reader in the medical world. Some insight into the community in which your hero and heroine work is part and parcel of the series.' A passing knowledge of the industry may stand authors in good stead, therefore, but cutting and pasting from Wikipedia should suffice if not. After all, Medical™ just wouldn't be medical without medicine, and there remains an implication that while anyone with a pen or computer can write for Modern, Cherish, Nocturne or Spice, this subgenre requires specific life experience. There is more to this than a simple tale of hero and heroine over-coming emotional conflicts through the redemptive power of love while happening to be doctors.

Nevertheless, no mention is made of how to construct a Medical™ Romance beyond the usual meaningless, contradictory revelations that a novel must put character before plot while revealing personality subtly through actions allowing empathy with their decisions and interactions, and insight into their thoughts and feelings without resorting to telling the reader instead of showing. If not that exactly, then words to that effect. How in-depth into terminology should the writer go? Surely if readers did not want a veneer of expertise there would be no need for making medicine a speciality romance when other occupations are not catered for in the same manner? Why must both leads be professional colleagues when this necessitates the creation of patients as secondary characters that Mills & Boon tells us should be kept peripheral? Is this inept lack of vision and clarity the reason the previous Fast Track yielded a success rate of less than three per cent? Be that as it may, there is little choice but for our Bewildered Hearts to fill in the gaps, which is what working for Mills & Boon basically amounts to anyway. We begin by combining elements of the most popular themes, a sheikh performing surgery on a secret Mediterranean baby in Africa for a midwife with Royal blood, throw in a complicated description of an incubator and a subplot involving emotional extortion and there we have a contest submission bound for glory. We can worry about what happens in the following eleven chapters in July.

“Was he so perverted that he would risk death rather than be denied his sick pleasure?”

During our initial three trawls through the quagmire of wisdom that is Secrets Uncovered we learned of the basic elements involved in creating conflict for story-telling purposes. Following on from those lessons comes another fundamental insight, 'Emotional conflict needs to be emotionally impactful,' at least so say the editors at Romance HQ. However, these same editors proffer a warning that too much emotion will see your manuscript rejected just as easily as if you had not bothered with emotion at all. There is a careful balancing act to be performed, so your reader will be invested in your story and the journeys of your characters, but will never become afraid that something dramatic, or sad, is forthcoming, to shatter the warm buzz of romance and alcohol. Searching for additional insight, RIVA author Fiona Harper was drafted in to throw around her own experiences. 'New writers often make the mistake of thinking that emotion on the page is the same as drama on the page. However, too much high emotion can turn readers off just as quickly as too little emotion.' Once sense has been deciphered from that quote we are forced to ask, is this an implied call for subtlety, from the author of English Lord, Ordinary Lady and Swept Off Her Stilettos?

Ignoring that as skilfully as we have grown accustomed to, we move along. 'Too many manuscripts from aspiring authors feature heroes and heroines who are emotionally incontinent. You know the sort – the ones that just have to let it all out every time they get the urge! Toddlers might behave this way, but mature adults don’t. Or shouldn’t.' Until toddler romance fiction catches on a potential writer is best served reinventing the Mills & Boon standard with the introduction of mature adults, so long as mature means a woman no older than thirty and a man a few years older than his prospective bride, both of whom severely repressed because of previous relationships and unresolved issues with their parents. Now, instead of all this womanly talk of openly sharing, empathy and gin, we should embrace an era of heroes and heroines barely able to control their tempers, passions and other dangerous tendencies. 'Often, the most emotional scenes are the ones where a character struggles to keep a lid on their feelings. If your character doesn’t cry, your reader will.'

Therefore, the mental breakdowns of your protagonists must be carefully-structured, a deliberate-yet-inevitable build-up to forsaking all else for the love of a heartbroken cowboy billionaire recently returned from war. 'If you overdo the drama, you risk exhausting readers and they’ll switch off. Connection broken. Book put down. Also, if you use all your emotional ammunition on scenes that don’t need it you’ll have nowhere to go when the real emotional high points come.' Sound advice to many hopeful Mills & Boon fans, who must have no idea what they are doing in their new careers. There is an obvious pitfall to all this angst, hardship and crying, however. How much is too much and don't readers just want a hunky, yet egocentric, billionaire, a happy ending, a few sex scenes and about forty thousand words of padding? Surely depression, politics, addictions, heartbreak and brutal murder are at best ill-advised and at worst completely unjustifiable when telling the tale of two idiots falling in love against a backdrop of exotic paradise, or small-town America.

In what Bewildered Heart has chosen to describe as research we have witnessed the odd murder, the kidnap of a baby, the accidental death of a toddler, casual sexual assault, war and journalists in our past experiences with romance fiction. In the majority of those examples the serious issues felt unsuitable due to the superficial treatment they received in a character's back-story for present-day motivation. Despite this prescient warning, Secrets Uncovered turned to a self-proclaimed author of feel-good, emotional stories for Cherish, the sub-genre known to Bewildered Heart as Romance Romance. Donna Alward was more than happy to take some time away from fetishising cowboys to explain how to balance dark themes with inoffensive loving. 'There are times I walk a really fine line between deeply emotional and depressing. Let me say right now, if you have these tendencies, embrace them. It’s not a bad thing.' Fair enough, Donna Alward, but what kinds of gloomy tendencies should we expect from A Family For the Rugged Rancher, Honeymoon With the Rancher, or other depressing-sounding titles featuring ranchers?

'I’ve dealt with the death of a baby, miscarriage, physical disfigurement, post-traumatic stress disorder, physical abuse… I do emotional trauma.' There is nothing wrong with the big issues that plague the everyday lives of everyday people, and if Alward's books contain those traumas within the context of the stories, rather than as prehistoric scarring, then kudos to her. How does Donna do it then, and could she possibly tell us while skilfully publicising one of her own recent novels? 'I’m going to use my book Her Lone Cowboy as an example.' Well played. 'Noah is home from Afghanistan where he lost his right arm in combat. From the start I knew that he could be down but not out. He needed to be fighting to get his life back and reaching for a goal which may or may not be happiness.' Self-pity is not attractive, as most of us learn the hard way, and therefore Noah grasps heroically, albeit vaguely, for an objective that can be held in one hand. We can surely predict that his objective will involve a loving woman and maybe a ranch, with some horses.

The secret to Alward's definition of success? 'It’s about going deep. The conflict is not the issue, but it is easy to confuse the two. It is not that he has lost his arm and needs to adjust. It’s the ripple effect: his loss of identity as a combat leader, finding a new place in the world, reconciling himself to being home and the death of his father, falling in love but being unsure that he is man enough.' Suddenly his missing arm is the least of his troubles, as narrative necessities push it toward the periphery. Certainly, his disability is a telling metaphor for his feelings of emasculation, but Her Lone Cowboy is a poor example of chiaroscuro. The tale of Noah and Lily seems comparable to another Cherish title, The Dad Next Door, which heaped on the tragic crises, and then wasted them on soap opera histrionics. The sadness of losing a child, being jilted and the worst recesses of grief had happened before the story began, and this left the book itself to deal with the less dramatic telling of a coupling, one revelation that proved inconsequential, and the return of a secondary character, which was then dealt with ineptly. Alward's explanation is no showcase of the depth of Harlequin Mills & Boon, but merely proof that the tearjerker-elements should be kept to a non-existent prologue and then only sold under the Cherish banner.

The advice contained within Secrets Uncovered amounts to nothing more than Alward's statement that Noah is, 'Not self-pitying but proactive, always moving forward. A reader cannot cheer for your characters if your characters don’t cheer for themselves.' However, he must be proactive and moving the story forward, not to gain the reader's sympathy, but because he is a romantic hero, and the ostensible protagonist of the novel. With this the Conflict Chapter ends and the readers are left to ponder a few questions. How is our own attempt shaping up in view of these guidelines, and, just as importantly, were any of these guidelines useful? We have learned that our publishers share our dream of one day seeing a one-legged hero accidentally-impregnating a heroine, causing much internal conflict for them both, and while Bewildered Heart and our many followers pursue that immediately clichéd concept, we will examine Donna Alward’s debut Harlequin to see if her writing lives up to her shameless self-promotion. There is a wedding on the front cover and words such as pregnant, gorgeous, temporary and mistake within the blurb, so we can only assume that she learned about depth and ripple effects after Hired by the Cowboy hit the shelves.

“She didn't do lovers”

In our first discussion on conflict in romance novels we learned several valuable lessons, such as internal conflict is different from external conflict, developing emotional journeys takes precedence over developing plot and themes, writing for Mills & Boon doesn't have to be easy, and unexpected pregnancy can sometimes become a situation where feelings arise. Secrets Uncovered didn't stop there, however, and Chapter Two of the e-book continues, dealing with black moments, the pitfalls of plotting, the necessity of grovelling, creating intensity while avoiding threatening the reader and the dangers a romance author faces when tempted to write properly. Before all that, though, we should assume you, gentle reader, remain hopelessly incompetent, and so here are a few of the most obvious mistakes you have probably already made.

The best place to start would be with your opening, the setting of the scene, the introduction of your heroine and hero. There are so many archetypal beginnings to avoid Romance HQ lists them, before explaining that sometimes an obvious first sequence can be rescued with subversion and the correct amount of emotional honesty. Therefore, if your heroine has recently been dumped, found her boyfriend with another woman, or been caught in an embarrassing position in front of her family, or entire office, do not fret, because even though this is lazy writing and too familiar to catch the reader's attention it might be strong enough if your carefully-tailored characters add depth to the potentially superficial incident. 'Acting out of character for the sake of the plot is a no-no. If your characters start bending every which way just to reach your desired conclusion then you are writing puppets, not people.' A romantic heroine is rarely imbued with a credible sense of dignity, but if they are true to themselves the reader will understand why they are single and unhappy, and what kind of belief system they must destroy within themselves in order to enjoy their happily-ever-after.

Every writer receives and then immediately ignores an oft-repeated phrase of advice, show don't tell. Heavy exposition kills the pacing of the narrative and hurts the mood of the prose. The characters and plot should be revealed through actions and responses. This is a common mistake in many Mills & Boon novels, so Secrets Uncovered sees fit to point out the problems caused by bombastic explanation. 'Events that should be front stage are anything that moves on the romance or creates conflict and has its basis in emotion. Anything else is window dressing.' Yet hang on, what about back-story? In Chapter One we were told to write extensive biographies and justify every decision, flaw and misgiving with previous failed relationships and father abandonment issues. Why do that if we can't use it in a lengthy speech to eat up a few hundred words? 'Ah hah! I hear you say – what about back story? The thing is, the most powerful back story is the one the reader sees through your characters’ reactions.' Despite this, your heroine will eventually have the opportunity to reveal all about their father, or that time they were left at the altar by a handsome con-artist, in case their tendencies implied through reactions make them appear insanely paranoid.

Moving on, how do we avoid the usual trappings most published Mills & Boon writers fall into on their way to success and riches?

• 'Choose your set-up carefully'

Do not simply jump in with any old idea, write the first fifty-five thousand words that come to mind and then mail off your manuscript and hope for the best. This tactic is only suitable for authors who have a built-in fanbase and scores of books already on their shelves. For your debut novel it is worth spending time planning the details of your story, and working from a theme, with powerful, unique, grounded and believable characters in a tale familiar enough to attract an audience yet unfamiliar enough to strike for originality. Once you have these fixtures in place any fifty-five thousand words will suffice.

• 'Make sure your characters are driving the plot'

Often romance novels throw their hero and heroine together through unlikely contrivance and push the inevitability of the story to the forefront, leaving the characters powerless to affect change on their lives, locked in as they are to accepting their fates are intertwined and they were born to be together. Fighting their desires, doubts and better natures would be senseless and only delaying what is written in the stars in permanent beams of light. Even though this style is consistent with the genre as a whole, apparently it is wrong.

• 'The reader is interested in reaction not action'

And you certainly wouldn't want to second-guess your reader. After all, the author has spent hours honing their characters and shaping a structure to challenge them, resulting in epiphanies that strengthen and enrich their lives, and sometimes related to that, helping them to find love. Once you have proven to the reader your heroine is a strong-willed, stubborn, feisty, shy, sexually-naïve tourist who coos at babies in supermarkets, and had her meet a conceited Brazilian billionaire who had just happened to have made a bet with his friend that he could buy any woman to have sex with him, what will really interest the reader is why this girl would completely go against all her personality traits and say, 'Sure.'

• 'Know what your plot needs to be on the page'

Your plot just doesn't belong anywhere else. The majority of authors know what their book must look like because Mills & Boon have told them. Deviating from plot points such as heroine meeting hero by the end of the first page and declaring their undying love on the last page would be suicidally ambitious. Once you have a solid beginning and a happy ending your job is largely complete, and as long as what happens inbetween these two moments doesn't inexplicably flash-back to Civil War-era Spain you should be successful. In writing that, though, Bewildered Heart cannot be sure what, 'Know what your plot needs to be on the page' actually means.

• 'Your reader will go with any plot if they believe in your characters'

For more on this turn back to the chapter on character we have yet to write about. As long as your principals are consistent in their decision-making yet consistently surprising in their decision-making the reader will read on, hoping these two love-birds get their respective acts together and realise that while he maybe a ruthless tycoon who hates all women she is unlike every other women because of a troubled relationship with her dad, and while she maybe gutsy, proud and desperately fighting to protect her animal sanctuary from closure the tycoon wanting to replace the animals with a shopping mall is caring, rich and strikingly dishy. Throw in an unexpected pregnancy and the reader will have to know how they deal with the news, much more curious about that than why the grizzly bear is suddenly acting so suspiciously.

• 'The characters are going on a journey – think of the plot as a road, not the destination'

Much like driving the destination is often where the journey ends, once the driving has concluded and the driver and their travelling companions have reached where they intended to go. In romance writing terms the analogy is apt. After all, we know where the journey is headed and will end once we get there, as hero kisses heroine, having apologised for the speeding, never indicating when changing lanes and refusing to wear a seatbelt in order to be closer to her. The drama is kept to the trip, how and why they are going, rather than where, and will they stop to eat lunch at a burger van parked in a lay-by? Imagine the greatest road trip you have ever under-taken, the one where you took several wrong turns and discovered an abandoned theme park when you had originally set off to buy a lampshade from a furniture shop. Now reinvent yourself as an emotionally-insecure, yet beautiful twenty-something, and your Sat Nav as a sophisticated, gorgeous, yet heartlessly arrogant billionaire, exchange petrol for sex and the car for life itself and you have yourselves one hell of a novel.

"Arise being the operative word, he admitted grimly"

In time to cash in on the New Voices competition the gals over at Romance Headquarters compiled a handy, free, download-only e-book entitled Secrets Uncovered – Blogs, Hints and the Inside Scoop from Mills & Boon Editors and Authors. There are fifty-five pages of suggestions for improving your story and fulfilling your life-long dream of writing for Harlequin. Those wishing to experience the advice and general frivolity for themselves need only download Secrets Uncovered onto their Adobe software, Kindles, digital devices or e-readers. However, for those neither technologically-aware nor Scientologists allow Bewildered Heart to walk you right through this computerized book from whatever passes for a front-cover online to whatever passes for a back-cover.

As the opening chapter deals with the well-traversed subject of character, we will begin with the equally important area of conflict and the first question a potential author would ask before they begin writing, What is an emotional conflict? According to the official Mills & Boon definition (Mills & Boon have their own official definitions of things) emotional conflict is, ‘The internal battle a character has to overcome something intrinsic to their personality that prevents their happy ending.’ There, when it is that straight-forward how come so many writers have troubled defining it? ‘This could be specific personality traits (lack of trust, a guarded heart) or motivations and aspirations.’

Mills & Boon strongly believe in the importance of internal emotional conflicts, and argue a book simply wouldn't be worth reading without any. Often authors are encouraged to come up with two, one for both heroine and hero. Typically the writer imbues their protagonists with standard neuroses such as vulnerability-refusal, sexual frigidity, arrogance, misogyny or work commitments. Yet occasionally a hopeful novelist will go beyond the archetypal afflictions and create a hindrance of depth and originality, and thus see their manuscript immediately rejected by the publishers.

Once you have explained to the reader that your heroine has been previously betrayed  and your hero is a man you have the necessary arcs to build your plot around, but if you believe your work with emotional conflict is complete your knowledge of writing and life is severely lacking. ‘Emotional conflict can also occur within a relationship, when a specific emotional situation – unexpected pregnancy, an arranged marriage, a curse or a dangerous situation – provides a further barrier to happiness.’ There are no emotional conflicts quite like an unexpected pregnancy, or a gypsy curse enforcing one hundred years of lycanthropy on your billionaire tycoon. However, these suggestions should be seen merely as physical machinations to further strengthen the already embedded dilemmas of the characters. If, for example, your heroine has difficulties with trust, loyalty and losing control imagine the dramatic journey she faces now a witch has turned her potential boyfriend into a werewolf.

This is reliable story-telling formula. Invent a character with a problem to solve, based upon a theme of your inclination, and assemble the narrative around the concept that most strongly challenges this intrinsic flaw, allowing the plot twists to offer genuine conflicts to resolve in order to achieve the most satisfying resolution. For romance fiction the contractual plot points, girl meets boy, a happy ending, are worked into a well-chosen subject matter. Once you're convinced your internal conflicts are powerfully dramatic enough for Mills & Boon what about your external conflicts, such as unexpected pregnancy or a voodoo hex? 'External conflicts – misunderstandings, circumstances or a secondary character's influence – should only be brought in as additional support to develop romance and plot. Allowing the focus to fall on to theme and plot is a common and easy trap to fall into.' Precisely, leave the exploration of theme to the professionals. However, before one begins typing there are a handful of questions you must work out the answers to.

'1. What draws them together?' For a moment ignore the external conflicts that cause your star-crossed lovers to meet, and concentrate on the emotional issues. It is all well and good drawing them together through hackneyed clichés such as one being a nurse caring for a plucky orphan and the other a chauvinistic sheik surgeon single-handedly building a log cabin for the family he no longer has, but what are the personal and physical qualities that cause the initial and ongoing attraction? What do they receive from the contact, and how are the beginnings of a relationship specifically both appealing and foreboding? The reader will be intrigued, unable to see how hero and heroine will ever reconcile their disputes, leave the past behind, find love and save a child's life.

'2. What keeps them apart?' Yes, what are the nagging psychological disturbances they suffer from that prevent them from finding the happiness, stability and mental health only marriage and offspring can bring? She maybe a sensitive, good-natured nurse, but her trusting nature has seen her hurt before, not least by her cruel, distant father and the way in which he treated her mother. How could she possibly fall for such an arrogant sheik surgeon with an icy bedside manner and ridiculously thick eyelashes? Despite her intense physical longing for his touch she must resist him to protect the fragility of her heart and the well-being of a brave, little orphan who desperately needs her attention now more than ever.

'3. What emotional obstacles do they encounter on the way?' Now you have your characters, scenario and location how do you develop the emotional journeys toward a gratifying culmination, rather than letting them meander like a Mills & Boon novel, padded tiresomely with sex scenes and the slow realisation of the sheik surgeon not being mean, conceited or dishonest, but rather misunderstood and a generous lover? How could she have had him so wrong, to think he refused to operate on a courageous orphan because he enjoys watching children slowly die, when in fact through secret, endless bouts of boardgames he had ascertained the kid was not strong enough to survive surgery and first would have to witness the power of love between medical colleagues.

'4. What are the turning points of the story going to be – positive and negative?' How do they overcome their differences, and what epiphanies and external conflicts occur to further the emotional arcs and bring them closer to the inevitable conclusion that they must surpass their doubts, and banish their destructive memories of busted romances and patriarchal abandonment not only for the sake of a gutsy orphan, but also for themselves. Now she has found the man of her dreams and seen him for who he really is, as no one else can see him, shouldn't she let down her defences, forgive her father and finally accept the all-consuming joy of matrimony?

'5. Why will the reader truly care about their happy ending?' Have you won over your audience with characters both credible and worthy of support? Does your hero leap from the page, shouting that despite building the log cabin using nothing but wood, nails and masculinity the empathy of a good woman and the pluckiness of an sickly orphan have proven to him he no longer wants to be a sheik surgeon hermit living alone in a log cabin in the woods, but rather a decent, caring sheik surgeon husband and father who has to sell a log cabin to pay for a three bedroom house, preferably in walking distance of a hospital?

If so far this combination of Mills & Boon insight and Bewildered Heart inspiration has failed to light a fire within you, gentle reader, how about a writing exercise sure to get those creative juices flowing? 'What story would you tell if your characters were trapped in one room for the entire book? Think of the emotional journey your hero and heroine would go on without any outside influences. How would you sustain the tension between the couple, build up to the highs and lows, when all they can do is talk to each other?’

That sounds as if it could be worth a try, but if you can only contemplate the fall-out of two people trapped in a room trying to find a way out of the room and wondering how they are trapped inside a room and whether anyone is coming to rescue them you are under-taking the assignment incorrectly. ‘We’re not going to lie, it’s a tough challenge – but no one said this was supposed to be easy,’ Secrets Uncovered reassures us. Yet that is not true, Romance HQ, everyone tells us that writing a Mills & Boon novel would be incredibly easy and haven't we been talking about writing one for nearly a year and a half already, so where is it, Bewildered Heart, where is this mythical novel you seem to always be on the verge of beginning? It is as if these helpful guides we keep reading, reviewing and learning from aren't helping at all.

"How could a woman with thighs that still ached be so totally entranced by a glance?"

By the time Bewildered Heart had struggled through the initial one hundred pages of Under the Millionaire's Influence we finally found the good stuff, where the hero and heroine, despite constantly vowing not to sleep with each other for the good of themselves and their relationship, could no longer resist the temptation of a quickie in the passenger seat of a rental car. What the scene lacked in eroticism it more than made up for with phallicism, overwrought emotional epiphanies and a succinct conclusion. With The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal the reader need only wait seventy pages before Franco is reaching for the condoms and nonchalantly accusing his latest conquest of carrying a sexually-transmitted disease, the charmer. In the many Harlequin Mills & Boons we have endured only a small minority, The Playboy of Pengarroth Hall and The Dad Next Door, featured no sex scenes, while many, including Wild Child and The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal, seemed to contain nothing but.

Which leads us to ask the necessary question, what makes for an enjoyable, enticing literary sex scene and can Mills & Boon themselves offer up a list of helpful ideas to guide us through it, as we nervously fumble for the right words and how they are supposed to fit together? Why yes, and who better than Flo Nicoll to let the gals at Romance HQ in on all the dirty secrets. 'Mills & Boon books promise readers the ultimate in female fantasies – from marrying your childhood sweetheart to a night of multiple simultaneous orgasms with a gorgeous stranger.' It is either or, romance readers, so choose wisely. 'A great love scene is unputdownable – emotional, sexy, and exciting. But a bad sex scene can be the kiss of death for your story, and your characters – how can we fall in love with your hero if his between-the-sheets behaviour fails to satisfy?' Perhaps he was exhausted from making billions of pounds, being kind to children and respecting and adoring the only woman for him. There sure is a lot of pressure on the modern heroic man, the last thing he needs is a heroine constantly wondering if prostitution is somehow sullying her principles and refusing him the opportunity to work his magic, and then once he forces himself upon her using magnetic eye contact and height she finds the nerve to criticise his performance...

So, when it comes to throwing together a firework display in a bedroom, what are the proverbial rockets and Catherine wheels? To continue this already strained analogy a sparkler would be emotionality. 'Good love scenes happen within the emotional development of the relationship, and can be a key turning point for the couple. Use sensual encounters as an opportunity to delve into the emotional reactions of your characters, particularly the heroine.' As with any other element of your novel therefore make sure what you write has meaning and value. Sex for the sake of sex is unnecessary, according to Nicoll and the general consensus of women in the real world. Lust has no depth and mental connection must be developed through an appropriate amount of intimate conversations and meals. Thus, fornication should only be used to advance the story, as a couple moves from a man and a woman who were not having sex to a couple who now are, or a former couple who used to have sex and stopped transition back to the couple they were once again. The latter structure sounds more complex than it actually is.

Thus we learn to use love scenes for their narrative necessity, while being careful to avoid pornographic gratuity that derails the pacing of the drama. What other suggestions does Nicoll offer for penning sex scenes that actually apply to all elements of writing? 'Don’t be afraid to leave details to the imagination: in some of the hottest books, the actual consummation scene is only a paragraph.' See, good sex does not always have to last thirty pages. There is nothing embarrassing about only lasting a paragraph and then ending the chapter by writing, 'Goodnight.' A pithy footnote will suffice, as no one wants to read a meticulous description of every thrust. Just as satisfying is the simple use of phrases such as repeatedly, or until he was finished. 'Remember, nothing you write on the page will be nearly as erotic as what your readers can dream up… particularly if they read a lot of romance!' You know what your audience wants and why they want it, but bear in mind they are only after skilful touches, sultry insinuations, not full-blown explicitness, because they can take care of themselves once you have set the mood. They're not perverts.

'A beautiful sex scene can easily be ruined by the less sexy aspects of sex – disposal of condom, wiping down the heroine, even (I can’t quite believe I’m typing these words) the dreaded wet spot. It may be realistic, but it’s also a massive mood killer.' Yes, as with in reality realism destroys the beauty of everything. Still, an author is better off simply ending the scene at a civilized point, rather than pretending that these things just do not happen to gorgeous Greek tycoons and their spellbound virginal mistresses. Of course, do not allow Nicoll's shallow logic to stop you from attempting to make the disposal of a condom, the wiping down of the heroine or the wet spot romantic, sexy or a combination of the two. Just because everyone else has failed it does not mean you couldn't be the first to make post-coitus the must-read part of the Mills & Boon experience. Soon enough Harlequin fans will be demanding every Modern Romance contains an erotic wiping down of the heroine sequence.

Typically of a female journalist Flo Nicoll waits until after we have dealt with condom disposal before explaining the significance of foreplay. 'Don't forget the importance of kissing and touching! Lips, neck and ears, lower back, inner thighs and forearms etc. Because, not to get too personal, but isn’t it the men who move in straight for the grope – boobs and below – that are the biggest turn-off?' Anticipation is key for getting both heroine and reader in the right mind for literary loving. Keep your characters exchanging provocative, innuendo-based dialogue before they get down to the nitty-gritty of forearm-touching, and below-boob-groping. Readers prefer to experience the passion of the encounter, believing hero and heroine have taken a giant step towards their eventual happy ending and have furthered their eternal devotion through a paragraph's worth of physical unity.

While it is all well and good being told what makes for marvellous sex, and Bewildered Heart has learnt an awful lot admittedly, there is little in the way of technical advice in Nicoll's column. For example, when word-painting a romantic boob-grope, or a tender, moonlit condom-disposal should we, the author, censor the more colourful words and search the internet for suitable synonyms? 'The less flowery the descriptions, the better. Sometimes you just need to be able to call an erection an erection – not always a throbbing member/hard shaft etc! We’re not talking graphic descriptions of the porno variety but don’t shy away from being direct – after all, what’s the point in writing about something you’re not comfortable describing?' There you have it, gentle reader, no more euphemisms such as 'boobs and below' when the writer is referring to a lady's heavenly warmth. From now on, use depictions you are relaxed about using, and never again will a reader giggle, blushing because she knows when you wrote throbbing and hard you really meant erect.

'Let’s spare a thought for the hero who can’t control near-constant hard-ons… Everyone loves a virile hero, but this lack of control over his body risks making him seem juvenile, not jaw-droppingly hot! A little manly restraint can go a long way, ladies.' Writers should know well enough already not to base their heroes on fourteen year old boys, internet bloggers, or men in general, instead drawing the fine line between sexual prepotency and erectile dysfunction. A doting smile, or a fleeting, electrically-charged touch of the hands, a brief bout of gentle neck-nuzzling, the heroine's parade across the Olympic-sized swimming pool in a risqué bikini, or hearing a tragic sob-story concerning unresolved father issues should not result in a twitch in the trousers or a guttural feeling of arousal. No, the hero should react to these events with disdain and indifference, thus garnering the favour of women even further.

Finally, let us pretend there was an award for most annoying cliché found in a literary sex scene, what would that be, Flo Nicoll? 'The booby prize goes to the heroine’s instant nipple hardening/ tightening/ peaking/ pebbling on seeing the hero! (After two years at Romance HQ, I am well on my way to developing a complex because this doesn’t happen to me on a regular basis).' Now, either Nicoll has a severe lack of sensitivity in her nipples, her brain emotionally connects to elsewhere on her body, or the pebbling of nipples is something that does not happen to the world's women. If so, what other options are open to an author when wishing to demonstrate her heroine's stimulation, besides eyelid-fluttering or accepting money in exchange for sexual compliance? Nicoll has no ideas, but perhaps aspiring female writers could use this opening to invent a new language for sensuality, creating compelling euphemisms, more imaginative acts for their couples, discovering more realistic ways to portray desire and no longer viewing sex as a contractual requirement for Harlequin novels, instead properly lacing intimacy into their narratives. For those wanting less sex try Cherish, more sex there is Spice and for the same amount, but with the added benefit of Nicoll's unhelpful demonstration of how it has always been there remains Mills & Boon.