"A moppet-haired kid who likes impossibly sad music"

Any weblog on the internet that has ever thrown a blog party will be aware that Bewildered Heart has a tendency to arrive late, if at all, to such parties. Therefore it feels nothing short of appropriate to offer an in-depth critique of the opening three chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, the cultural juggernaut that has radically and momentarily altered how people view sex, literature, book sales and traumatized tycoons. The novel begins on the rain-soaked highways leading to Seattle, Washington. Anastasia (Ana to her friends. Hi, Ana!) Steele is on her way to interview the enigmatic billionaire Christian Grey, founder and CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc, multinational conglomerate and maker of things. Ana is a bright, ambitious English major, studying the romantic classics James would be better off not bringing to the reader's mind. Her flatmate and best friend, Kate, was supposed to conduct the meeting herself, but has fallen foul of a narratively expedient sickness. Ana should be studying for finals, but how could she refuse this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to sit down with a successful businessman who never grants audiences, only making the occasional exception for anyone who asks. Even though she has not asked, here she is anyhow, armed only with a Dictaphone, some notes, a tatty outfit and an endearingly feminine clumsiness. Ana is unschooled in cynicism and constantly berates herself for being unattractive, awkward and foolish. Despite this she remains irresistible to all men, with a smattering of fellow students yearning to review her dissertation, as it were, and several colleagues at the hardware store desperate to hammer some nails into her sideboard, again as it were.

Written in a more informal and conversational style than its template Ana's narration still shows glimpses of a disparate home-life that closely resembles that of Bella Swan, including an irresponsible and oft-married mother. Mostly, however, Ana frets about not fitting in and embarrassing herself in front of those with a firm understanding of their own identity. Without an image-conscious, insular high school setting Fifty Shades settles for extravagant wealth. Thus Ana finds herself intimidated by metallic architecture and women able to walk. She mentally prepares for the interview, going over Kate's questions in an incongruous scene when considered against what happens next. Shown into his provocatively enormous office Ana trips over her feet and hits the floor, but who is there to help her up but our novel's hero. Ana is instantly struck by Mr. Grey's youth, less than thirty, his physical beauty, physically beautiful, and his copper-coloured hair, coppery. Much like her spiritual predecessor detailed description proves too much for E.L. James, but the reader is left in no doubt that Grey is very gorgeous. Perpetually blushing, Ana begins to probe her subject, revealing that beneath the well-groomed surface lies a smug and arrogant control freak. Nevertheless, his personality does little to sway her strong attraction for him, suggesting Ana was paying attention when reading the novels of Jane Austen and the Brontë sisters.

Christian Grey is the embodiment of the modern Byronic hero, wealthy and powerful, dismissive and sexist, dark and good-looking, brooding and intense, mysterious and seemingly always running out of duct tape. Ana can do nothing in the force of raw masculinity but fall down, ask over-familiar questions and somehow beguile and unwittingly seduce, as she does with every man she meets. The next day Christian happens to be passing Ana's workplace and stops in to purchase some rope. They get to talking while shopping for questionable items and a photoshoot is arranged to accompany Kate's profile. The gang of possibly significant student characters descend on the most decadent hotel in the local area to snap some portraits and leap to some conclusions, before Christian invites Ana to drink hot beverages and swap biographical information at the most decadent café in the local area. At the coffee house we learn that Ana's favourite tea is Twining's English Breakfast, and logic dictates that this must surely become an important plot point later. Ana does not drink coffee and does not eat in front of men, but Christian enjoys coffee and is fond of blueberry muffins, yet despite their indubitably different lifestyles the pair seem smitten and determined to gaze longingly at one other whilst speaking in euphemisms. Briefly, Christian finds time to save Ana's life after another glaring moment of ungainliness and there the third chapter ends leaving the reader to hope something worthwhile will happen in the remaining three hundred pages.

After fifty pages of navel-gazing we have witnessed a relatively docile and old-fashioned courtship between an unworldly virgin and a ruthless tycoon who will stop at nothing to possess her, as politely as he is able to. The writing is clichéd, the characters are bland archetypes, the plot is predictable and had Mills & Boon been the publisher Ana would have accidentally stumbled upon an iron maiden locked inside a wardrobe by now. Naturally, Ana's infatuation with Christian Grey is purely physical, as the conflicts thrown in the way of their relationship are either emotional or cerebral. James handles this attraction with amateurish concision, making her leading man the embodiment of masculine perfection, yet she fails to properly foreshadow his dark side with satisfying menace. His haunted back-story and misogynistic need for dominance are portrayed with a slight, knowing curling of the lips. What little light this sheds on the hero it offers less on the heroine, as her decision-making is unthinking and trouble-free. This does not conjure a great deal of optimism for the moral dilemmas she will soon face, but it is safe to assume E.L. James will force as much inevitability into the forthcoming crux of the book's concept as she does in the opening scenes of mutual admiration.

Ana's naïvety and impassivity appear to be her defining characteristics and are surely appealing to experienced perfectionists with mother issues like Christian Grey, but this creates an uncomfortable confection combining romantic fairytale with erotic psychological drama. Modern Harlequin Romances such as The Billionaire's Housekeeper Mistress, Bedded at the Billionaire's Convenience and The Millionaire's Indecent Proposal each tread a similar line to Fifty Shades of Grey, suggesting the formula has its followers, but anyone paying even the remotest attention will have already understood that Christian Grey's desires run deeper than those of the idealised husband material found in the aforementioned novels. Thus the Fifty Shades trilogy is a heightened version of Solicititilation, with the heroine using her womanly patience and empathy to help a billionaire overcome his behaviour problems and teach him to stop treating her like a live-in prostitute.

Christian Grey is an exaggerated alpha male, still arrogant and obsessive, but now bringing his flaws into the bedroom for additional complications. James sets out to interlace her conventional Cinderella-style love story with elements of mystery-thrillers and Bildungsroman, exploring notions of conformity and female empowerment. At this early stage character motivation is undetermined, which gives the drama the illusion of compulsion, but what makes the novel a page-turner is symptomatic of poor writing. What does Christian Grey want with Anastasia, besides the obvious things, and why does he want those obvious things from her, besides the obvious reasons? Does he represent a threat to Ana's well-being, her morality and long-term life-goals? Furthermore, does Ana have objectives of her own, for a career, a family or a remote cabin in the woods to scrawl Neo-Luddist rhetoric? How much does she risk from entering into a relationship with this charismatic tyrant? Will she lose her friends, her degree, her sense of self or her sanity due to her love for a man, and how will she reconcile this against the lessons of her literary heroines? If she can have everything she wants without losing anything in return why would an author bother to tell her story?

"His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something"

Perhaps in response to those who have complained that the internet is a ceaseless chasm of nonsense with not nearly enough within it USA Today's Serena Chase gathered several authors to discuss romance fiction for their website. During their conversations, separated into five parts, they touched upon such obvious issues as the prejudices casual observers hold against romance, what it means to be a feminist, why men should read their novels, how the latest trends don't affect them, why hardcore erotica isn't for everyone and how the advent of virtual dating may twist their stories into cautionary tales of sensationalist horror. While nothing more than a shameless opportunity to mention their work, the discussion was steered into potentially interesting areas on occasion, and perhaps in response to those who have complained that the internet is a ceaseless chasm of nonsense with not nearly enough within it Bewildered Heart has chosen to analyse a few of the comments for the sake of a few cheap laughs.

Where better to begin than with romance itself, and furthermore how it applies to the modern woman, for whom romance is as dead as chivalry and quality literature. Rachel Hauck gets us off to an uncertain start by failing to understand the meaning of definition, 'Everyone wants true love. How I define romance is the person with whom you are most comfortable.' This statement might seem entirely meaningless, but it soon loses its anaemia once studied alongside the other replies. Sharon Cameron and Kathy Tyers agree that the most romantic books are their own. 'My favorite stories are about the tension and the draw, about emotion and a dawning respect where little or no physical contact takes place,' Cameron says. This is only natural a point of view. After all, love, as scientists understand it, is a chemical reaction of the brain and brains are traditionally where emotions occur. Whereas modern love stories have placed special emphasis on sordid lust there will always be room for feelings in romance fiction, in order for the characters and stories to offer the impression of credibility. The authoress' pronouncements lead to predictable criticisms of enviable tales of success, as the Fifty Shades trilogy fails to satisfy the conventions of classical romance by trading emotion and dawning respect for little else but physical contact.

Choosing a route less travelled Chase also chatted to four male authors of Inspirational Romance. First of all, what are Inspys? Harlequin's Love Inspired Range offers, 'Strong contemporary romances with a Christian worldview and wholesome values.' In an attempt to broaden the appeal of this venture even further, two offshoots were created, Love Inspired Suspense and Love Inspired Historical. The attention of each line tends towards emotional connection, community and family in small-town America or close-knit urban sprawl America. In contrast to other strong contemporary romances Inspys prefer to avoid premarital sex, violence, drugs, alcohol, profanity and secular gambling. Once the hero and heroine marry, of course, all proverbial hell presumably breaks loose. The publishers specifically ask that prospective novels do not contain, 'A didactic, preachy tone or doctrinal language.' This does not leave an aspiring author much to fill their books with, besides casual praise to the Lord for inventing clouds. Away from Mills & Boon, however, and the freedoms of Inspirational Romance are greater, with the exploration of darker themes and the potential for requited desire combining to leave the subgenre indiscernible from the rest.

For more we turn to the insights of Dan Walsh, Murray Pura, M.K. Gilroy and John Campbell Clark, all men who write powerful romantic literature that finds time to give every due credit to God. Walsh is a former Pastor with a goatee beard who writes love stories and family-life dramas featuring a definite article followed by a thing, such as The Dance, The Homecoming, The Discovery and The Reunion. Fellow Pastor Pura has a Degree in Divinity and has written several books with possibly enigmatic titles, including The Wings of Morning and The Face of Heaven. Gilroy writes mystery suspense novels with subtle religious undertones, with titles borrowed from song lyrics by some of the world's most bland recording artists, for example Cuts Like a Knife and Every Breath You Take. Finally, Clark co-authored Echoes of Titanic with wife Mindy Starns Clark. The dual-narrative thriller deals with a heroine battling to save her company with the man she once loved as new allegations surface about her great-grandmother, a Titanic survivor turned business owner.

Chase asks the question every Bewildered Heart would surely ask given the opportunity to talk with the very men who write the books they have never heard of and have little interest in reading. Fellas, what is the point? Dan Walsh goes big with his response, 'Perhaps (what I write will) provide a voice — in my case a male voice — for how God views this important topic. To me, there's a terrible distortion of God's nature and design for love and romance.' There is no more noble an aspiration than writing the kinds of love stories the Almighty would write if He were available and needed the money. Considering the success of His early work Mills & Boon would be fools to reject a long-awaited follow-up. Murray Pura has more modest objectives, and takes a similar view to his female counterparts, 'Love is the hope of the world, whether it is the love of God, the love of friendship, the love of family, or the love of romance.' There are few more important subjects to write about than human relationships, and therefore, Chase wonders, why is this genre critically and culturally dismissed as emotional porn or poorly-written?

In order to explain such a reaction to Christian Romance M.K. Gilroy elucidates, 'Sometimes romance is defined too closely to a highly emotive expressiveness.' Now, there are words in that sentence, but possibly not all of them are correct. Be that as it may, Gilroy might have made a perceptive comment. Are the perimeters used to measure romance fiction too narrow? Are the characters in their novels processing emotions in a way their readers do not in their own lives? Who is ultimately to blame for the flaws of the genre, the authors or the people who find flaws? Gilroy's point, however, is that besides comparing themselves to romantic heroes in terms of physical beauty, career, wealth and love-making ability, there is also a danger regular men will be made to feel inferior by the hero's ability to speak openly and honestly about his feelings, even though such protagonists are consistently portrayed as arrogance and cruel. The author's advice to those unable to articulate their emotions? 'Inspirational romance reminds all of us that there comes a time when we have to say it loud and with real words: "I love you," "I'm sorry," "I'm glad you're mine."' So there you are. Problem solved. Thanks, professional writers.

For Murray Pura, 'Writing about love — falling in love, the ecstasy of the kisses and touches and feelings — is beautiful; one of the most beautiful gifts humans have been given.' Of course, he would say that, but Inspirational Romance is so named because it celebrates and glorifies God's most precious hand-me-down. Yet conscientious of dismissive critical attitudes Pura goes onto temper his enthusiasm with a rational warning. 'The more we write and talk about love the better. But the writing needs to be as good as it possibly can be for such an important theme, not overly sentimental or badly described or lacking strength and passion.' Pura's genre has seen grand statements like this one before, but their noble intentions are rarely bolstered by books containing what they want to achieve. Venerable rhetoric may attract inquisitive tenderfoots, but Inspirational Romance novelists will need more than words to secure a dedicated readership.

“The words were the biggest lie he'd told in the past five minutes”

When we left Once Upon a Wedding at the end of its third chapter the plot had become fully formed, with little for Stacy Connelly left to write except the remaining forty thousand words. Kelsey Wilson had begun her career as a wedding planner and independent businesswoman. Her first client was her socialite cousin, Emily, whose ceremony to Todd Dunworthy would have to run smoothly if Kelsey would ever become a success and win the approval of her aunt, uncle and the deceased mother she hardly knew. There was only one problem, and that arrived in the masculine shape of Connor McClane, Emily's bad boy ex-boyfriend, who seemed intent on breaking up the wedding and being handsome. Aunt Charlene sensed trouble and sent Kelsey to dispel Connor back to under the rock he crawled out from. Naturally, plans went awry as Kelsey has always been a sucker for gorgeous men wearing sunglasses and comfortable jeans. Equally, Connor became smitten with Kelsey, because Connelly needed him to be, and all of a sudden the game was afoot, with mysterious pasts, hidden neuroses and life-changing secrets ready to shatter the happiness no one particularly felt.

Kelsey cannot fall in love with Connor, even though she already has, not when he continues to romantically pursue Emily, even though he isn't. Meanwhile, Connor cannot fall in love with Kelsey, even though he already has, not when she is the one coordinating Emily's wedding, even though that hardly seems important. What Connor should be concentrating on is proving Todd is unsuitable for Emily, just as Connor himself was all those years ago. Wanting to keep him within her sights, for any number of reasons, Kelsey tags along on several stake-outs, which all lead nowhere. Fortunately for the plot, Connor has sent his colleague to Florida to find out what happened to a former Dunworthy maid, and with actual plot developments taking place elsewhere, Connor and Kelsey can concentrate on staring at one another swooning. In terms of inner conflict there are a couple of contrivances for the hero and heroine to overcome, but with both problems simply solved by an honest conversation there is plenty of time for hot dinners, the wearing of hot clothes, the arranging of flowers, sex, decorating offices and sitting in cars looking at buildings while sweating.

Kelsey must accept her place alongside her two cousins, as part of the family and no longer as the ugly duckling who doesn't belong. However, this listless form of self-loathing is easily defeated once a desirable man shows an interest, empowering her to become the woman that man allows her to be. Furthermore, Kelsey must stop vilifying her Uncle for the callous way with which he treated his sister, Kelsey's mother. This inconsequential issue is resolved with one statement and a brief explanation of the statement, at which point life seems grand for the Wilson Family. Connor, meanwhile, has his own sad story to tell, and tell it he probably should. After all, in all likelihood Kelsey will never forgive him for his past sins, and their relationship will be over before it has even begun. Ingenuous as always, Connor has the sense to wait until after sex and someone else revealing the truth before he comes clean. Of course, Kelsey realises his accepting of a bribe was the honourable and selfless thing to do, because it isn't stealing if the money is for a good cause, and what's a better cause than investment?

With inner conflicts externalised as love-making and happiness just a denouement away, there remains enough time to ruin a perfectly good wedding. As Connor's fellow private detective has learned from tactically seducing a vulnerable immigrant Todd had been impregnating the help as his romance with Emily developed. There is no greater misdeed among the wealthy than fathering a child with a foreign maid, and as a result the Dunworthy clan have shunned their disgraced offspring, leaving him no choice but to marry into money to win their affection back. While Todd denies this possibly spurious accusation from a complete stranger with an axe to grind, the Wilson's accept Connor's verbal evidence, powerless to stop the hurried plot from reaching its necessary conclusion. All that is left is for two people to take the places of bride and groom in Kelsey's fairytale, picturebook wedding, and who better than Kelsey herself, alongside every woman's ideal man, Connor. Emily, meanwhile, will probably survive and maybe feature in her own spin-off, meeting Connor's best friend, Javier, at what was supposed to be her ceremony and almost immediately having The Wedding She Always Wanted, although due to the financial background and ethnic nature of her husband probably not the wedding her parents had always dreamed of.

It is difficult to predict the reactions of Connelly's characters, however, due to their malleable personalities when faced with the full force of the storyline. Surprising twists appear more incongruous reversals of opinion than unpredictable narrative turns, and the major issue at the heart of the concept, the scandalous affair between Connor and Emily and the resulting bribery, isn't so much dealt with as much as it is reduced to frivolity through a warped sense of justice. Kelsey shrugs off what appears to be betrayal as noble indiscretion and Connor strides past his mistakes with a forceful, manly gait. As Once Upon a Wedding begins Connor's unwavering instincts are in question due to his previous case almost ending in tragedy, yet this is later revealed to be a courageous act of physic prowess.

Perhaps because of the constraints of Harlequin Mills & Boon Connelly consistently fails to engage the reader with anything approaching depth. She instead relies on a drip-feed of references that turn out to be a series of purposeful deceits. Connor's flaws are exposed as virtues just as Kelsey's stunning beauty, fierce independence and worldly intelligence are reappraised as positive traits. Still, even this basic failure could have been redeemed by the distraction of Connor's investigation, but the detective element lacks credibility and revelations, suggesting tthis was nothing more than a tedious excuse to keep the characters entwined, allowing emotional honesty and personal arcs to linger, stagnant and unresolved. The novel concludes not with the hero and heroine changing, but the universe around them altering to acknowledge their superiority. Thus the complete absence of worthwhile obstacles makes for a lifeless story and a unsatisfactory ending, despite the marriage and eternal bliss, and if Mills & Boon believe their followers will be satisfied with marriage and eternal bliss they have seriously under-estimated their readership.

“I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment, or maybe it's forever”

As 2012 dawdles to a close there appears to be no better time to culturally evaluate the changing fortunes of romance fiction. Over at Publishers Weekly Julie Naughton has assessed the evolution of theme, form and sparring partner in an article entitled Anything Goes, and this works out suitably, because there appears to be no better time to culturally evaluate the changing fortunes of romance fiction and without the dedicated research of a journalist Bewildered Heart would have no idea what any of those words mean. The growing success of digital imprints has seen Mills & Boon and Avon greedily pursue this online opportunity, and this means a more open and progressive attitude towards sexuality, monogamy, polyamory and any number of group activities. Fifty Shades may receive a bounty of credit, yet companies such as Ellora's Cave have been selling bondage and sadomasochism since 2001 and romances featuring gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender characters since 2007. Plans are presumably underway to combine the two next year. Meanwhile, ten per cent of novels published by Carina Press involve relationships other than the heterosexual pairings Harlequin Mills & Boon exclusively insist upon.

Is this a significant move on the part of the industry, a broadening of audience minds or simply a loosening of the classic definition of romance fiction? '“GLBT romance, including male/male and ménage stories, continues to become more popular as our society begins to embrace the idea that love is love and that a good romance story isn’t bound by gender,” explains Lorna Hinson of e-publisher Torquere Press. While this may be the case there is little evidence to suggest those reading traditional romances are becoming tired of the demure virgin meets arrogant billionaire and marries him formula. After all, this year's most popular novel could be summarised by the previous sentence. The author of Melting Ice, Nicole Austin, takes a different approach. “For many readers, being the center of a ménage is the ultimate fantasy. For those who have stressful, demanding careers, the idea of giving up control in the bedroom to a dominant partner is a little slice of heaven. Others may long for a same-sex encounter.” Has the market caught up with their readers, have the readers softened in their attitudes or is Austin trying to sell something? One positive to come from all this perversity is a genuine attempt to create rounded and believable gay and bisexual characters, far removed from the tired and offensive stereotypes of before. Surely the straight characters will be soon to follow suit.

Another phenomenon of romance literature has been the startling success of BDSM, but this is something of a misnomer. As Amy Pierpoint points out, “Romance readers have been devouring erotica for over a decade, but since these books were predominantly bought in e-book format, the sales weren’t reported through traditional sales channels.” Despite this, the surge in popularity is worth noting, albeit belatedly. After all, no such novel had broken through into the mainstream quite like those by E.L. James and now a new audience has demanded more. The reasons for this are unclear, but the ramifications could become serious. Next year will see the release of two interpretations of Jane Eyre, which will wonder out loud how Charlotte Brontë might have written her tale had she been allowed to include brooding and obsessive sex scenes throughout. Part of this move exemplifies the sophisticated transition the subgenre has undertaken. Titles and covers have become more elusive, even if the prose and characters have not. “Previously, the erotic titles featured more explicit covers, whereas the new covers are more subtle and feature objects, artistic lighting, and bold text,” says Cindy Hwang, executive editor at Berkley. Nothing says sophistication quite like a clearly captioned, well-lit photograph of a thing. The cheesy superficiality has disappeared and with it the dated snobbery aimed at brightly-coloured pictures of body parts and weird fonts.

Just as with real life there is a downside to too much sex and no one knows this better than the readers and writers of romance fiction. As Kate Douglas suggests, “The minute you give up on story development just to make something sexy, you’ve quit writing romance and gone over the slippery slope into pornography.” Still, as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart acknowledged there is no obvious way to define pornography without asking him directly. Fifty Shades of Grey appears to be pornographic in its content, with narrative conventions such as a first person narrator and a barely discernible plot to disassociate it from whatever literary porn might look like. Due to this those readers disgusted by euphemisms and characters incapable of chafing have sought solace in the far end of the romance spectrum. As much as a voracious appetite among readers for graphic sex has developed there is just as strong an audience for the old-fashioned kind of romance, where courting is respectful, love is many-splendored and baby-making is done under woollen sheets and behind closed doors.

For more on this we turn to Laurie Gold of Heroes and Heartbreakers. The alternative to explicit sex is labelled Sweet, just as chocolate is often the alternative to explicit sex. Therefore a new niche has been defined, falling somewhere between, 'Religious morals (and) lustful escapades.' Yet what exists between church and the bedroom? As it turns out there are plenty of things to do and see that aren't offensive. Thus PG-rated stories feature small-towns with distinct personalities of their own, larger casts of colourful secondary characters and a more realistic representation of everyday life. Amy Pierpoint, of the inappropriately named and spelled Hachette, insists these novels will, 'Offer the ultimate fantasy: finding faith, hope, and happily-ever-after in a local community.' The strongest criticism of sweet romances, known to Mills & Boon fans as Cherish, is that they lack the emotional intensity of the sexier stories, but slowly this false impression has been overcome. Gratuitous erotica is not immediately suggestive of compelling plot-lines and the less time the hero and heroine spend in bed the more time an author has for conventionally peripheral concerns such as characterisation, story, depth and theme.

'As one end of the romance spectrum blurs with erotica, the other blurs with women’s fiction,' suggests Gold, with this latest fusion placing an emphasis on plot twists, humour and a grounding in a deeper reality than sexual fantasy. Thus a new style has emerged, eerily-similar to numerous other styles that have been popular for centuries. The situation has become so financially-lucrative that Harlequin has created an entirely new imprint called Heartwarming. Senior Editor Victoria Curran explains, 'Because these romances are not aimed at an inspirational audience, they need to be exciting page-turners.' For as long as Mills & Boon has published romance fiction their product has been sold to female readers as a lifestyle choice with a clear identity. Their heroines are aspirational figures living a good life and achieving their dreams of eternal love, marriage and babies with an idealised partner. Next year's novels, as mentioned by Publishers Weekly, do not stray far from this formula and the addition of vampires, sadists, widows and art thieves are shallow subversions of the conformist approach. As 2013 draws near readers, authors, critics and bloggers can look forward to more sex, less sex, more of the same, less of the same, a new subgenre to cater for each and finally making that choice between inspiring or compelling.

“I like horses,” he said. “And for some reason, I like you, too”

Due to the incomprehensible and enduring success of Mills & Boon it was only a matter of time before other publishing houses took the opportunity to wade into the saturated romance fiction industry. Smaller presses specialise in the niche corners of the market Harlequin has failed to capitalise on, but few companies are seen as genuine competition. Finally, one has emerged and recently Avon Romance has attempted to branch into the digital realm. Founded in 1941, Avon did not publish romance until the 1970s, but they quickly became notorious through the work of Kathleen Woodiwiss and Rosemary Rogers whose sexually explicit, rip-roaring rape fantasies such as The Flame and the Flower and Sweet Savage Love are considered forerunners of the modern romance genre that feminists railed against, women bought by the million and men were largely unaware of. What better time for some brand expansion to remind those mildly cognizant that nothing has changed?

In 1999 Avon swapped owners, leaving one despicable newspaper magnet for another. Shortly thereafter News International moved other interests to a sister company and stream-lined Avon down to a single commodity, allowing them to concentrate solely on rivalling Mills & Boon. Although the business claims to be at the cutting edge of reading technology their website is only now accepting unsolicited manuscripts for Impulse, their online imprint. The eventual intention is to throw a new novel into the ether of the internet every week, but before that can happen they will need some people to do the necessary work. This, as you may have already guessed, is where you might come in. While print submissions tend to weigh in at a hefty eighty thousand words, fifty to sixty thousand is all that is expected for their digital e-books. 'We want you to be our next star,' Avon exclaim. Their titles are faintly ridiculous, their cover photographs are unintentionally hilarious, their authors are poorly paid and their subgenres are eerily familiar, but how does Avon match up to Mills & Boon when it comes to idiotic submission guides?

'Q) Do you think all the fun has gone out of romance novels?' Well, Avon, much has changed since you were relevant. Nowadays heroines consent to sexual intercourse, so it would depend on how you were defining fun. 'A) Sometimes we do, too!' Oh, we didn't realise that was rhetorical, but then who knew romance novels used to be enjoyable. Clearly Avon has a passion for reinvigorating this much-maligned genre, and Bewildered Heart cannot find fault with this aspiration. After all, love stories have been in something of a rut for the previous few centuries. Therefore, what do you want, Avon Romance, anything even remotely different from everyone else? 'Fabulously sexy heroes who let nothing get in the way of getting what they want—the heroine of course—and giving her everything she needs.' Grammatical errors aside, a dominate alpha male relentless in his pursuit of a willing sexual partner is hardly a ground-breaking way with which to inject vitality and fun back into writing. The only character more archetypal than a strong, successful and handsome hero would be, 'Heroines unafraid to take chances in life…and in love. She’s smart and she’s never afraid to stand up for herself.'

The generic nature of romance has seen it fall foul of tiresome monotony. There is little here to suggest Avon has grander ambitions than any other purveyor of the identical product. Gone have the daring, politically-incorrect plot-lines that made their name, replaced by an underwhelming blandness. Nevertheless, the casual lack of clarity used to describe the ideal protagonists might imply a willingness to indulge subversion from prospective writers. With hero and heroine supposedly covered, Avon move onto the next vital ingredient. 'You choose the setting, just make sure it’s utterly romantic! We want to be able to immerse ourselves in the wonderful world that you’ve created.' Unlike those other stuffy publishers who insist upon their own suitable location, Avon allows you, dear authors, to invent your very own candlelit restaurants over-looking the ocean. At long last freedom? Possibly, but how many utterly romantic settings are left now that Washington State has been monopolised by vampires and perverts?

One curious avenue that might set Avon apart is their calling for series. 'Readers always cry out for more when you’ve given them characters to believe in…so give us more and you’ll get our attention.' While this sounds meaningless, the suggestion is that success will lead to further opportunities for success, allowing sequels, spin-offs and potentially more things to come from an initial story that readers don't immediately lose interest in. If a novelist has an idea for a trilogy, or an endless family saga loosely based around the drunken ramblings of a ninety-year-old with a god complex then Avon might be the home for such a concept, unless a home is found at practically any other publisher because such an offer is hardly unique. All these perfunctory statements might appear appealing on computer screen, but what kinds of manuscripts induce enthusiasm in the hearts of the Avon editors? Anything whatsoever? 'Dark and dramatic? Bring it on! We all love to laugh, but we’re also interested in stories that explore the many twists and turns of true love.' With this benign sentence the guidelines conclude and no one is any the wiser. There is little to learn from the Avon Romance website besides the fact that Avon Romance exists. Aspiring authors should bear in mind that if Mills & Boon reject their novel then there are other places that might reject it as well.

“Darn him for making even sarcasm look sexy!”

Anyone with a rational mind might have surmised that the article on happy endings that concluded Chapter Three of Secrets Uncovered would have signalled the end of the advice-giving. Typically of the logical, however, their brains serve no purpose when working out what goes on in romance fiction. Unsurprisingly Mills & Boon have one more epiphany to share, and even less startlingly that final piece of wisdom concerns unpredictability. Such a concept is not traditionally applied to the genre. In fact, the exact opposite is considered a major selling point. After all, boy must meet girl and boy must be handsome and wealthy, while the girl must be demure, beautiful and a twenty-seven year old virgin who has never recovered emotionally from being abandoned by her father. At a given point the couple must cede to overwhelming carnal desire and indulge in spectacular, life-affirming sex. By the end of the novel they must have overcome their petty differences and unresolved paternal anxieties to marry and make countless babies. What could possibly be unforeseeable in this classic formula that hasn't worked yet and shows no signs of fixing itself?

'At Romance HQ unpredictability has become the buzzword of 2011 – we’re constantly discussing and promoting ways to ensure our authors are producing the most exciting stories possible.' As we near the end of whatever we are calling this year it is safe to assume that the current buzzword is sadomasochism, and that development certainly seems fitting. Nevertheless, there is no reason to think that unpredictability will fall out of fashion, after all predictability remains as vibrant and popular as it always has. Therefore the fact that it has taken Bewildered Heart over a year to read a short e-book should not make this weblog entry any less relevant. Thrusting aside preconceived notions that Mills & Boon is misguided, what can aspiring authors learn from this hastily thrown together afterthought of a tip devoid of inspiration and sentences worth cutting and pasting? 'Less successful submissions tend to share a common flaw - a reliance on the same tried-and-tested conflicts and themes (‘I’ll write a Greek hero and a marriage of convenience!’).' Followers of Bewildered Heart should brace themselves for the realisation that Secrets Uncovered might have confused unpredictability with originality, and it wouldn't be the first time. No matter though, because their statement remains as true as their continued dedication to not publishing any new books featuring Greek heroes and marriages of convenience, and both.

'For everyone who likes a definition, in Romance HQ-speak, an unpredictable story delivers a compelling happy-ever-after that takes the reader on an unanticipated, cliché-free and emotionally engaging journey.' This adorable explanation helps to illustrate that unpredictability can be defined by a synonym and two characteristics a reader would never associate with Mills & Boon. These qualities must be the original twists the publishers claim to be constantly on the search for. Yet no definition would be loveable without a series of antonyms that aren't particularly beneficial. 'We don't mean crazy plot twists, inconsistent behaviour or random genre mash-ups – it’s definitely not an excuse to replace conflict with crashing plot devices!' These are wise words indeed, as no amount of unconventional story-telling justifies incompetence. Still, it remains hypocritical of the purveyors of Paranormal, Medical™ and NASCAR to summarily dismiss random genre mash-ups. Who knows what else can be combined with a love story to expose new ways in which to view love, as we have seen with the addition of cupcakes, Spaniards and Washington State.

Despite the publisher's challenge we are no closer to understanding how to imbue romance fiction with unique revelations that will force readers from their comfortable chairs and hazy alcoholic stupors. What does Mills & Boon want? 'Don’t panic, we’re not asking for radical differences!' Phew, eh. After all, if we were brimming with creativity we wouldn't have chosen romance as our favoured genre. 'You’ve heard this before, and we’ll say it again – it’s all in the characters! The best way to create a strong conflict and story is by starting with two interesting, original characters with a compelling story to tell.' It is appropriate that even an essay on unpredictability will revert back to the same insight every how-to guide uses. These books begin and end with the hero and heroine. It would appear that once you have a one-of-a-kind Greek billionaire and a never-before-seen virginal orphan twenty-something caught up in an innovative version of a marriage of convenience your novel will tell itself, leaving you to work on the name and location changing that amounts to writing a follow-up.

For the redundancy of their article Mills & Boon is sensible to endlessly repeat their mantra. The unavoidable conclusion of Secrets Uncovered is that despite everything to the contrary there are no inventive ideas to revolutionise romance fiction and there doesn't need to be. Aspiring authors are best served simply telling their stories well. Through depth, humanity and honesty clichés can prove what made them such strong concepts in the first place, worthy of their endless recycling. Now Bewildered Heart has finished stripping Secrets Uncovered for parts there seems no more suitable time for a full evaluation, but there is little point. Much like romance novels themselves the e-book has a single idea bulked out with rambling padding. Even the single idea is a weak one, the straight-forward assertion that characters are everything. No words are wasted on sentence structure or how to infuriate your reader with a clumsy simile comparing the churning in the heroine's stomach to a sinking boat on a stormy ocean of concupiscence. Perhaps such skills come naturally. Before the inevitable panic does kicks in, there is one way to bring genuine originality to your novel. 'If you want to tackle a more controversial theme, go for it!' There you are. Not only the inspiration, but more importantly the permission.

Harlequin's quest for vitality has seen it attempt to escape its reputation for generic romances grandmothers read. Nowadays hip, young perverts are found buying Twilight and Fifty Shades by the wheelbarrow-load. Mills & Boon have struggled in vain to prosper from this audience, consistently thwarted by their own authors playing it safe. Of course, the aforementioned phenomena are about as ground-breaking as they are scandalous, but their sales reflect a change in reader mood. There may never have been a more suitable time for pertinence to be introduced into romance fiction. What are these contentious issues Secrets Uncovered talks of? Racism, ugliness, elitism, actual prostitution, the list of options seems endless and increasingly unlikely to ever be published. In September Harlequin Teen printed Speechless, a Hannah Harrington novel involving a vow of silence following a hate crime. She somehow finds love and learns any lessons Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak forgot to teach. Might Harlequin adults follow Harlequin teens in dealing with realistic social problems in a way that isn’t deeply offensive? Would such earnest examinations benefit from being interwoven into an idealised love story with a happy ending? Are there serious and divisive subjects connected to relationships worthy of exploration and later a possible mention on Romance Novels for Feminists? There appears to be only the one way to find out and a firm rejection from the improved, politically-conscious Mills & Boon would only serve to exemplify their hypocrisy, and that would prove just as satisfying as seeing a book on the shelf.